My wife and my family.. drama overload

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello, I've posted once or twice here before and found it really helpful. This latest issue has really hit me hard and I just don't know how to handle this without things going nuclear.

Here is some background to this. I've recently got married to my wife (uBPD) we have a 18 month old daughter. Over the last 18 months we have not been to visit my family which live roughly 2.5hrs away. My wife would come up with excuses why this could not be done and to be fair many of these were valid to a degree. Now my brother whom I am not very close with (and is pretty self centered) began holding it against us that we were not making holidays etc. My mother said she was sad but understood and we would work something out soon. We included them to every event that year baptisms, first birthdays etc. Then came the big one the wedding.

During the lead up to the wedding my brother, sent me a pretty nasty text saying he would not be making the effort to come to our wedding if I wasn't going to make the effort to come home. Needless to say this did not go over well. After some back and forth and his inability to apologize, he was not allowed to come to the wedding. My mom said it was our wedding and our choice so she just took it hoping we will patch up on day (not likely).

At this point we have cut my brother out completely. Which I have not really argued with as his actions were terrible and he is completely unapologetic for, at on point yelling at me over the the phone about how I spend too much time with my wife's family and that she has changed me type of stuff, keep in mind he was yelling so loud my wife heard this). His excuse is that I was hurting mom etc and he was standing up for her. My mom was open in saying she was sad over this but did not hold it against us.

Now the crux of the issue is my wife now is painting my mom black because she did not talk to her directly and apologize for my brother (who is 30 and living on his own). She also suspects my mom is taking my brothers side and not confronting him on the issue. Now my mom has apologized to me and told me she does not support my brother in what he did. But this is not enough for my wife. She wrote a huge emotional charged letter to my mom a few days ago and my mom has not responded (she saw it yesterday based on facebook). My wife now what me to cut my om completely out of our lives and cut off her ability to see her grand daughter. This coming when my mom was supposed to help watch here while we went on honeymoon. This will absolutely crush my mom and it is making me feel very depressed. Of course my wife has painted this as a who are you going to choose me or your mom, when i talk about anything other than purely cutting out I get threatened with divorce among other thing I am sure everyone here is used to hearing.

Am I being crazy? Am I being a mamas boy ? Its a hard thought to esentially cut out my immediate family.

[figurethis]

Hello, I've posted once or twice here before and found it really helpful. This latest issue has really hit me hard and I just don't know how to handle this without things going nuclear.

Here is some background to this. I've recently got married to my wife (uBPD) we have a 18 month old daughter. Over the last 18 months we have not been to visit my family which live roughly 2.5hrs away. My wife would come up with excuses why this could not be done and to be fair many of these were valid to a degree. Now my brother whom I am not very close with (and is pretty self centered) began holding it against us that we were not making holidays etc. My mother said she was sad but understood and we would work something out soon. We included them to every event that year baptisms, first birthdays etc. Then came the big one the wedding.

During the lead up to the wedding my brother, sent me a pretty nasty text saying he would not be making the effort to come to our wedding if I wasn't going to make the effort to come home. Needless to say this did not go over well. After some back and forth and his inability to apologize, he was not allowed to come to the wedding. My mom said it was our wedding and our choice so she just took it hoping we will patch up on day (not likely).

At this point we have cut my brother out completely. Which I have not really argued with as his actions were terrible and he is completely unapologetic for, at on point yelling at me over the the phone about how I spend too much time with my wife's family and that she has changed me type of stuff, keep in mind he was yelling so loud my wife heard this). His excuse is that I was hurting mom etc and he was standing up for her. My mom was open in saying she was sad over this but did not hold it against us.

Now the crux of the issue is my wife now is painting my mom black because she did not talk to her directly and apologize for my brother (who is 30 and living on his own). She also suspects my mom is taking my brothers side and not confronting him on the issue. Now my mom has apologized to me and told me she does not support my brother in what he did. But this is not enough for my wife. She wrote a huge emotional charged letter to my mom a few days ago and my mom has not responded (she saw it yesterday based on facebook). My wife now what me to cut my om completely out of our lives and cut off her ability to see her grand daughter. This coming when my mom was supposed to help watch here while we went on honeymoon. This will absolutely crush my mom and it is making me feel very depressed. Of course my wife has painted this as a who are you going to choose me or your mom, when i talk about anything other than purely cutting out I get threatened with divorce among other thing I am sure everyone here is used to hearing.

Am I being crazy? Am I being a mamas boy ? Its a hard thought to esentially cut out my immediate family.

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[JH68]

Hi Figurethis,

Triangles, triangles every where! Read this: https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

You're in a tough spot. In these situations often the only way to stay sane is to step back, let everyone do what they're going to do without trying to control or manipulate the participants or the outcome, and refuse to participate in the drama triangle.

A couple times my BPDw gave me an ultimatum to choose between her and my son. When he was under 18, I just said bye to her. She did this again after he turned 18. I said, "I'm not going to choose between you and my son. I love and want a relationship with both of you." This worked out pretty well. Negotiating the ultimatum feeds the drama. The whole thing evaporated pretty quickly when I refused to play along. I had to accept that my BPDw could actually leave me over this. However, I would prefer that she leave me than have my other relationships held hostage by an ultimatum.

[Sunfl0wer]

Am I being crazy? Am I being a mamas boy ? Its a hard thought to esentially cut out my immediate family.

Sounds to me like you are being bullied and abused. 

Has she tried in other ways to isolate you from other friends and family?

I see you stopped contact with your brother, however, sounds like you were on board with that choice.  You say 'we' choose not to associate with brother.  Please realize that these are two individual choices to be made. 

You do not 'decide together' to cut your mom out of your life, unless that is how you choose to decide. 

[figurethis]

Thank you both for your responses! I have been aware of her behavior in the past and we had been making some good progress. Less fights less intensity etc. But what my brother did really regress things a good amount. And on that front I really can't argue honestly I have no interest in keeping that relationship it really had been for the sake of my mother that I really tried with with him at all. So yes that was a choice I made.

Ya JH68, I agree i need to find the strength to be ok with whatever she chooses to do. But ever since our child came into the picture that has made it very difficult for me to think like that.

Yes Sunflower there has been a lot of isolation in the past. I have been working on those boundaries but it has been difficult. I know its abuse and I have been trying to show her what she has been doing but you self reflection can be a difficult thing.

Its really the ultimatums about our marriage and child that really hurt me. I know its abuse and I know its manipulation but once those cards are played there is no getting through.

[Sunfl0wer]

Ok, great, I was worried there that you thought you did something wrong and wanted to be sure we put out a reality check in there for you!

So how can we help you?

What do you see as your next step?

What do you want in terms with your mom?

[JH68]

Ya JH68, I agree i need to find the strength to be ok with whatever she chooses to do. But ever since our child came into the picture that has made it very difficult for me to think like that.

Yes, a child makes it far more complicated to figure out how best to handle these situations. You have to consider what's best for your child. No two situations are exactly the same. What worked for me may not work for you.

when i talk about anything other than purely cutting out I get threatened with divorce

Another possibility is to not talk with your pwBPD about your mom for a while until things calm down. If you're trying to negotiate a compromise so you can have a relationship with your mom without your wife divorcing you, you're playing her drama game. It's a game you won't win. Also, there's something you may want to look out for. If your wife senses that she gets her way when she threatens divorce, you'll likely get lots of divorce threats.

My first wife was diagnosed with bi-polar but my T thought she was BPD. (How I ended up marrying another BPD is a pretty long story.) It was really tough when my two boys were younger. I put up with a lot of abuse for years because I wanted what was best for them. By the time they turned 8 and 10 I finally came to the conclusion that our home was so toxic the kids were probably better off with us divorced. The funny thing is that when we were going through the separation some of her friends came to me privately and told me how relieved they were that I was trying to get primary custody of the boys. I learned that when I was not around she was often verbally/emotionally abusive toward the boys. Watch out!

[an0ught]

Hi figurethis,

good advice on drama triangles from others  They suck and it is hard to stay out. 

Its really the ultimatums about our marriage and child that really hurt me. I know its abuse and I know its manipulation but once those cards are played there is no getting through.

she is really desperate and needs to inflict enough pain on others so they show similar level of distress.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221022.0

How are you dealing with your own emotions? Are you showing them or holding them in?

How good are you are validating negative emotions. Very negative ones? Can you mentally prepare words, utterings with corresponding tone of voice and posture?

[whiplashed_mom]

This is what my uBPD dil did to our family. After only 18 months of marriage, she had my son cutting off his relationships with all family and most friends. She's convinced him that he agrees with her because we upset her, though no one has actually done anything wrong.

Your agreeing with her on cutting off anyone in your life is highly likely pure manipulation of you. Even your brother. Maybe he doesn't know how to say it the right way, but he may actually care about your mom's feelings while she is unable to tell you how she feels. You'd be crazy to cut off your mom over this.  It is the goal of many BPD to isolate their victims. Beware!