Understanding and coming to terms with "the mask"

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My ex has now declared that he will never go to a gathering with my friends again.  Presumably he is angry that they don't support his claim that I am a psycho stalker, as he says, and they continue to invite me to events.  True to form, he has stopped visiting our shared site altogether and disappeared.  For me, I feel like this gives me a sense of closure, but also of sadness.

I find myself mourning the person I thought he was.  I think for a while I had real confusion and denial over this.  It wasn't until he left for a really long time and tried a variety of manipulations and machinations on my friends that I realized what a deceitful person he is.  I didn't feel, at the time, that he was less than genuine with me when we both liked the same things and we felt that we "clicked."  From a purely objective standpoint, we have a lot in common.  However, he was simply not a kind person, and not ready to have someone else in his life. 

I think what shocks me the most is what many other posters here have talked about.  He seems to know, on some level, that his behavior is strange and erratic.  He can wallpaper over it just enough with some lies and sweet words that he passes for a decent human being.  I am left wondering to what degree he realizes he is the perpetrator, not the victim, and I realize I will probably never know for sure.  It has become apparent to me just how much the stories about him being victimized are a fabrication that conveniently absolves him of all responsibility.  Anyone who doesn't buy the ruse is quickly eliminated from his life, even if it all leaves him alone with his cats eating Taco Bell.

When I first joined bpdfamily, I had a hard time conceiving of "the mask" that people talked about so much.  I still hadn't really seen how duplicitious of a person he was.  I get it now.  The mask is the veneer of perfection, infallibility, victimhood, and goodness that the disordered individual wears to function in the world.  My ex has a very shallow, flawed mask, so he doesn't readily fool people.  He comes across as sweet, innocent, naive, and vulnerable.  That is the mask.  Beneath that, he is irritable, angry, enraged, vengeful, merciless, and sadistic.  He calls this "having a strong sense of justice."  He knows instinctively that he can't go through life acting out at people all the time.  This does not win them over, or secure him his narcissistic supply.  He courts it in the form of pity, mostly from codependent, motherly types.  Beneath the surface, his deepest desire is to make everyone bow in submission.  The mask is the smiling face that says, "I don't want to control you, I just want love."

I'm smarter now.  Not everyone who seems pitiful really is, and it isn't that hard to see their true colors.  I won't likely be fooled again.

If I show up here a little less, it's because life has gone on.  I'm a little worse for wear, a little wiser, and hopefully enjoying the company of my friends without the perpetual threat of lawsuits and slander.  I'll hang out here a little bit, I'm sure, but to all those who gave good advice and support, thank you 

[GreenEyedMonster]

My ex has now declared that he will never go to a gathering with my friends again.  Presumably he is angry that they don't support his claim that I am a psycho stalker, as he says, and they continue to invite me to events.  True to form, he has stopped visiting our shared site altogether and disappeared.  For me, I feel like this gives me a sense of closure, but also of sadness.

I find myself mourning the person I thought he was.  I think for a while I had real confusion and denial over this.  It wasn't until he left for a really long time and tried a variety of manipulations and machinations on my friends that I realized what a deceitful person he is.  I didn't feel, at the time, that he was less than genuine with me when we both liked the same things and we felt that we "clicked."  From a purely objective standpoint, we have a lot in common.  However, he was simply not a kind person, and not ready to have someone else in his life. 

I think what shocks me the most is what many other posters here have talked about.  He seems to know, on some level, that his behavior is strange and erratic.  He can wallpaper over it just enough with some lies and sweet words that he passes for a decent human being.  I am left wondering to what degree he realizes he is the perpetrator, not the victim, and I realize I will probably never know for sure.  It has become apparent to me just how much the stories about him being victimized are a fabrication that conveniently absolves him of all responsibility.  Anyone who doesn't buy the ruse is quickly eliminated from his life, even if it all leaves him alone with his cats eating Taco Bell.

When I first joined bpdfamily, I had a hard time conceiving of "the mask" that people talked about so much.  I still hadn't really seen how duplicitious of a person he was.  I get it now.  The mask is the veneer of perfection, infallibility, victimhood, and goodness that the disordered individual wears to function in the world.  My ex has a very shallow, flawed mask, so he doesn't readily fool people.  He comes across as sweet, innocent, naive, and vulnerable.  That is the mask.  Beneath that, he is irritable, angry, enraged, vengeful, merciless, and sadistic.  He calls this "having a strong sense of justice."  He knows instinctively that he can't go through life acting out at people all the time.  This does not win them over, or secure him his narcissistic supply.  He courts it in the form of pity, mostly from codependent, motherly types.  Beneath the surface, his deepest desire is to make everyone bow in submission.  The mask is the smiling face that says, "I don't want to control you, I just want love."

I'm smarter now.  Not everyone who seems pitiful really is, and it isn't that hard to see their true colors.  I won't likely be fooled again.

If I show up here a little less, it's because life has gone on.  I'm a little worse for wear, a little wiser, and hopefully enjoying the company of my friends without the perpetual threat of lawsuits and slander.  I'll hang out here a little bit, I'm sure, but to all those who gave good advice and support, thank you 

[steelwork]

GEM, this sounds like progress. Progress is good! I've gotten a lot from your posts, so thanks. I know better things await you.

steelwork

[troisette]

Glad you're getting there GEM and thanks for your posts, I've gained a lot from them.

It took me a while to recognise the mask as well, my ex is an ad man and I always thought that he'd packaged himself expertly and appealingly, the contents don't match the packaging but many don't see that far - this is deliberate on his part.

Like so many people here have said, high functioning BPDs seem to be careful about the depth of what they reveal  and to whom - realising that intimate relationships are problematic for them, finding it easier to maintain superficial friendships with people who don't look too deeply. I'm glad your friends see the truth and are loyal to you.   

Good luck for your future.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I think for me the final level of detachment came from watching my ex manipulate others.  It's hard to tell for sure when he's manipulating me.  But now the mask is on full display.

The truth is that he is NOT particularly high-functioning and tends to reveal too much to people about his true nature. 

One of the things that stands out to me in hindsight is his use of his gift for writing.  He is an *extremely* talented writer and uses this as a major component of his mask.  It gives him a distinct advantage because it doesn't require him to face the other person, and his reaction can be tempered with time and revision.  He is very good at writing graceful social niceties, even when he is completely enraged.  A lot of his lies and misleading statements came in the form of written communication.  For example, his dad passed away when we first started dating, and he eulogized his dad on Facebook with grace and poise.  Turns out he thought his dad was a total loser alcoholic who couldn't have cared less about his kids.  He always tossed lots of smiley faces into his comments, too, giving the illusion of a happy, cheerful person when he was anything but.  On some level, he must have known that his rage was socially unacceptable, so beneath the mask it stayed.

It is not surprising to me at all that the only relationship he's ever had that was longer than his relationship with me was long-distance -- consisting almost entirely of written communication.  In that situation, he could create himself as a character who embodied nothing but good and loving traits.  There was no way for his other ex to compare his pretty words with reality, so of course the whole thing rolled along for a while.

What does the mask hide?  A desire to control other people all the time, and the seething rage that results when he can't.  People and situations he can't manipulate hold little or no interest to him.  He is only content when he is completely in charge.  He remains unemployed and alone because to him, that is better than submitting himself to the judgment of another person and losing control.  Fortunately, this also means that he won't submit himself to the judgment of a court to get a restraining order against me.  I guess this worked out in my favor in the end.

[Ms.Perfect]

Guy  I know in first conversations … I asked him just with me be yourself relax.

He was honest and told me he was wearing the masks with ppl.

That was the 1st time i hear that, it was weird. after that added some traits I've never saw in anyone before. So started my research and found BPD exist. I never could imagine that ppl see that view of the life. His traits all fall very hard for that BPD. Even can say I hate you then I love you within few hours.

[Herodias]

It's good you see it now. It seems to take a long time to come out of the FOG... .I think they do know something is wrong or at least that they are different. Mine definitely knows. He actually has told me allot! he told me all about all of his therapy over the years and how he can manipulate people. He told me over last summer that he could manipulate me and manipulate his gf... .He knows what he is doing. I get mad at myself for believing the nieve' act. I just fell for it again. They like to know or think that they are smarter than us. One of the last things I told him is that I know what he is now and he couldn't use me anymore. That seemed to have worked for awhile to get him to leave me alone. The gf quit posting everything to fb, so it has helped to not see what they are doing. You and I have seemed to have similar situations. I know you are beginning to understand more fully about the mask. I was listening to u-tube this morning and they were discussing the energy it takes to wear the mask all day and pretend... .at the end of the day, they just need to fill up their energy supply again. So then I fall for his 15 minute rant today at 5:15pm! We learn and learn and still we want to believe they are normal. We need to stop and think for a bit before reacting. It's hard. They really do manipulate and they know they are... .I just think they don't understand why. Unless they are in therapy, they just continue. You are right about what the mask hides... .mine is the same way except he is employed... .just lost his position at work and is back to what he was when I met him!  Went down 5 positions! It's awful really. I don't know how he will be when his baby comes... .it feels like forever that she has been pregnant. He thinks we are getting divorced soon, but really it is just a hearing to have a new filing. Sometimes I think he is just not as smart as he pretended to be- the toddler they talk about. Just keep working on you. I know I am trying and doing allot better than I was before. I don't miss all of the drama and trauma I went through. I agree with you that I miss the person I thought he was. That is the hard part. It was more like a fantasy in our own heads I guess. Keep being strong... .keep learning. I don't ever want to do this again!

[GreenEyedMonster]

I think my ex has heavy NPD traits, if not being outright NPD.

I wonder now how long his silence will last before he experiences severe withdrawal from his narcissistic supply.

If you read some of my other posts, my ex is now middle-aged and has very few physical or situational traits to attract a mate.  His main assets are his intellect and musical talent.  In a large city where the dating scene can be merciless, this is woefully inadequate.  My friend group and the other group he recently quit had become his main sources of supply.  I think his "narcissistic collapse" is inevitable within a few weeks, and this might bring him around again with a faux apology or something like that.  I do often worry that he might self-harm, but since there is nothing I can do about it and last I checked he was in therapy, I need to let those worries go.  He didn't quit the message boards that we share, which would have been a clear indication to me that he was not coming back.  He seems to be keeping the option open if he fails to secure future supply . . . which he will.  He only went to therapy because he felt empty, purposeless, and adrift when his mother -- his main supply -- died.  Undoubtedly he is ending up in the same place.  He has a major birthday coming up really soon, which will also be a reminder of his own failure to launch.

But by this point, there is nothing about him that attracts me to him anymore.  He seems like a pathetic little Napoleon who only cares about people who are under his spell.  In hindsight, he wasn't even attracted to me until I started lavishing him with attention.  Then he seemed crazy in love. 

[Herodias]

Mine has NPD traits and well as anti-social traits... .I understand where you are coming from. You have to start focusing on you. I felt the same way... .waiting for him to cut himself or to end up in the hospital and for me to get a phone call. I can't worry abut him anymore. He has someone else to call, at least mine does. We know we are the ones who know them better than anyone, but I think this is why they avoid us as well. I actually just deleted my Facebook account fully. I feel better being off of it... .The less I know, the better! I just got a text from him last night all accusatory. I guess he was in the mood to be angry and aggressive. I am mad at myself for falling for it again, but yet, I didn't get worked up and I proved my side immediately and that was it. If I would have let it go for him to "twirl in the wind" as my friend says... .he would have made me out to be awful with I don't know how many people. I would rather cut it off and show him he is an idiot, I can't believe how long it takes to get over this crap. I know I do not want to be around him again... .Just keep remembering the bad. You are missing taking care of someone- try to do it with yourself. I am kinda pretending I am in Jr high again... .remember when you kind of liked the opposite sex, yet you were more concerned about your friends and what you were doing for fun and entertainment? That's what I am doing. I do not need someone else to be happy. The reality for me is that I have been more unhappy with other people than I was when I have been alone! I get lonely, but I am getting into my hobbies. You make him sound so miserable, why are you even interested then? I know, you want validation. Mine would always say to me " no one else would want me but you, right?"... .I would agree. So I guess he had to prove me wrong! There are plenty of other sappy women who will take anyone rather than be alone. He will find someone, so prepare yourself for that. You are too focused on him. I know you know that and it takes time. I am still upset with my marriage being a failure, and wondering if I will ever meet anyone again who is normal! None of my friends seem to meet anyone! I just decided that when I am supposed to be with someone, they will suddenly appear. There is nothing I can do for now, except work on me. I hope you find it in yourself to do the same... .best of luck xo   P.S. that is the rub- If you lavish them with attention and praise, they will be with you. But you can never tell them when they do something wrong, no matter how bad it is! Can you live like that? All the cheating my husband did and he wanted me to ignore it- no way! All the raging and gas lighting... .all the abuse mentally and physically. No! I do not want that anymore. I would love for him to see that when this "younger" woman has their child, he will not be on a pedestal anymore and maybe I was better for him after all... .but it's all too late. He screwed it up. I just don't think they think that way... .they can't admit they are wrong.

[Learning Fast]

I find myself mourning the person I thought he was

Interesting topic.  I've spent some time recently on psychforums.com as they have a terrific "Ask a pwBPD Questions" sub-forum.  Those pwBPD who respond and are self-aware or in therapy actually refer to it as their "mask" and will readily admit that there is a limited time frame in which they can keep the mask intact.  Additionally, the strength or weakness, depth or shallowness of the mask varies with each much like the disorder itself.

The reason I bring this up is that it has helped me accept my ex's mask for the façade that it is.  Hearing this directly from those who are afflicted only confirms what we have read in many posts---the person who we fell in love with was an illusion.  Hard to accept and process but validated by pwBPD themselves.

GEM---many thanks for all of your commentary and please keep us updated on your progress!

LF

[MapleBob]

I find myself mourning the person I thought he was

Interesting topic.  I've spent some time recently on psychforums.com as they have a terrific "Ask a pwBPD Questions" sub-forum.  Those pwBPD who respond and are self-aware or in therapy actually refer to it as their "mask" and will readily admit that there is a limited time frame in which they can keep the mask intact.  Additionally, the strength or weakness, depth or shallowness of the mask varies with each much like the disorder itself.

Link? I would LOVE to read that. PM me?

[GreenEyedMonster]

Mr. "Never Coming Back Again" spent about a week and a half ignoring us, and now he's back checking.  He RSVP'ed for some events in the other group that I'm part of, in spite of the fact that I am allegedly a psycho stalker and watching him.  I guess he didn't like the results of that kind of thinking, so he revised it.  Is anyone surprised?  I'm not.  I was free, free . . . just for a moment . . .

[HurtinNW]

GreenEyedMonster, thank you for this post. My "Never coming back again" guy broke up with a week ago. This is the umpteenth break up. I lost count of being recycled someplace past 20 times. I know I bear responsibility for my role in this and this time I am working super hard to understand. When you wrote that after awhile he comes back with a "faux apology" that really hit me hard. I've always believed my guy's apologies, because he believes them for the moment. Now I am doubting them. Whether he believes them or not they certainly don't stick.

I didn't get the mask piece until now. My guy is also middle-aged, and was once a golden boy: extremely handsome, charming, desired and sought after in both his career and love life. Now that has all ended. He's been unemployed for years, is aging rapidly, and has lost his narcissistic supply. The man who was once surrounded by an adoring harem of superficial admirers has fewer and fewer friends.

What really hit me like a ton of bricks for the first time ever today was this: he has never once expressed wanting to do something because it would be good for me.

All of his behaviors, including the seemingly kind ones, are all about what is good for him: his public persona, the opinions of others, his popularity... .in other words, the mask. When he was being kind to me it was because it made him look good to himself and others. He didn't want to be a good partner because it would have been good for me. I don't think it is even in his ability to think in terms of, "I'd like to do this or that because it would be good for that person." Maybe this seems a small distinction but for me it really helps.

I didn't get the mask before because I thought the person had to be aware they were wearing one. Now I realize that for my guy he is not aware he is wearing the mask. It's not like he is thinking, "I'll put on this fake mask." No, he believes he is the mask. His particular mask is that he is a super kind, sweet, loving, charming guy who wouldn't hurt a fly. He believes the mask is him. He spends a LOT of time maintaining this mask. But he can't maintain it in an intimate relationship. The mask falls off and the raging, angry, vindictive, selfish person underneath comes roaring out. Then he has to justify those behaviors. He paints me black, blames me and discards.

For my guy the mask worked so well his entire life he became convinced it was his real self. He is very smart and has never been challenged on it. His good looks and intelligence let him skate on a lot of behaviors. Now his life is falling apart and the mask is slipping.

I am so glad you posted this because I got a lot of insight from it. Thank you!

[GreenEyedMonster]

I didn't get the mask before because I thought the person had to be aware they were wearing one. Now I realize that for my guy he is not aware he is wearing the mask. It's not like he is thinking, "I'll put on this fake mask." No, he believes he is the mask. His particular mask is that he is a super kind, sweet, loving, charming guy who wouldn't hurt a fly. He believes the mask is him. He spends a LOT of time maintaining this mask. But he can't maintain it in an intimate relationship. The mask falls off and the raging, angry, vindictive, selfish person underneath comes roaring out. Then he has to justify those behaviors. He paints me black, blames me and discards.

For my guy the mask worked so well his entire life he became convinced it was his real self. He is very smart and has never been challenged on it. His good looks and intelligence let him skate on a lot of behaviors. Now his life is falling apart and the mask is slipping.

My ex has never offered any sort of apology for what he has done to me, but I am wondering if he will this time because avoiding me and acting like I'm a stalker is cramping his style.  His return already shows that he's having to make some exceptions to the idea that I'm a psycho stalker.  If I'm a psycho stalker, why is he regularly letting me know where he is?

I agree that they don't consciously wear a mask.  My ex also believed that he was a kind, patient, and loving person.  He had only imagined relationships with women for so many years that I don't think he was conscious of his own potential to destroy one in real life.  His other relationship was long-distance, so there was virtually no fallout from dumping her in the worst way possible and smearing her reputation.  This time, he's finding that people other than me have strong opinions about how he treated me.  I keep wondering if he will just shrug and part with all those friendships too, or if he will try to get them back.  He has already tried to get those people to side with him, to no avail, so I think it does bother him on some level that amputating me cost him so much.  I honestly think that he imagined a romantic relationship being an endless experience of adoration, love, and feeling high.  The part where you solve practical problems and negotiate never existed in his imagination, just like his own dark side doesn't exist in his imagination.

[HurtinNW]

[quote author=GreenEyedMonster link=topic=291344.msg12741220#msg12741220

My ex has never offered any sort of apology for what he has done to me, but I am wondering if he will this time because avoiding me and acting like I'm a stalker is cramping his style.  His return already shows that he's having to make some exceptions to the idea that I'm a psycho stalker.  If I'm a psycho stalker, why is he regularly letting me know where he is?

I agree that they don't consciously wear a mask.  My ex also believed that he was a kind, patient, and loving person.  He had only imagined relationships with women for so many years that I don't think he was conscious of his own potential to destroy one in real life.  His other relationship was long-distance, so there was virtually no fallout from dumping her in the worst way possible and smearing her reputation.  This time, he's finding that people other than me have strong opinions about how he treated me.  I keep wondering if he will just shrug and part with all those friendships too, or if he will try to get them back.  He has already tried to get those people to side with him, to no avail, so I think it does bother him on some level that amputating me cost him so much.  I honestly think that he imagined a romantic relationship being an endless experience of adoration, love, and feeling high.  The part where you solve practical problems and negotiate never existed in his imagination, just like his own dark side doesn't exist in his imagination.[/quote]
This. Exactly. Mine only had the most superficial, shallow and very short relationships prior to me. It allowed him to maintain the fiction of his mask to himself. He also has this impossibly romanticized, idealized notion that the right woman would wander into his life, bathed in white light, and he would be endlessly loved, adored and happy.

My guy is doing his own smear campaign against me and does every time he breaks up with me. He paints me black in the guise of acting all sad and eliciting "support" from people. I've posted before about this and how hard it is. He tells mutual friends I am crazy, deranged, paints a picture of me as the persecutor and himself the victim. It's really hard because it isn't true. I think he is also finding this time it isn't working. It's really sad, actually. He seems unaware that people are repelled by this and his group of friends is rapidly shrinking.

I am examining the "apologies" from my guy, because they fit the classic abuser profile of being cruel and then saying sorry, only to repeat the cycle. I am seeing that he gets an emotional charge out of both: the apology time is actually a form of idealization. I'm sort of thinking out loud here. I know he believes it is a sincere apology but I don't believe he has ever once truly felt sorry for the ways he has hurt me or my kids. He feels sorry for himself. He apologies in order to redeem his image of himself to himself, but underneath it he remains convinced he was completely justified.

[MapleBob]

I honestly think that he imagined a romantic relationship being an endless experience of adoration, love, and feeling high.  The part where you solve practical problems and negotiate never existed in his imagination, just like his own dark side doesn't exist in his imagination.

He also has this impossibly romanticized, idealized notion that the right woman would wander into his life, bathed in white light, and he would be endlessly loved, adored and happy.

He apologies in order to redeem his image of himself to himself, but underneath it he remains convinced he was completely justified.

These are all amazing insights! I've been coming around lately to this view of BPD/cluster-B as "accountability disorders". I think that it usually starts in the family of origin, and lines up with the arrested emotional development that you see so often in pwBPD. I think that they simply *never* had true accountability modeled for them. True accountability has three parts: 1. recognizing that you've caused harm, and apologizing, 2. "making whole" ie. "what can I do to make this up to you?", and 3. having a plan and taking actual steps towards a behavioral change so that you don't cause harm in that way again.

So, already being prone to "black/white/feelings=facts" thinking, and never having developed adult accountability skills, pwBPD seem to think that feeling sorry and just apologizing is all that they have to do! And we're nuts to expect them to be able to quickly re-learn that. It's a hard thing to learn.

And, I mean, accountability skills are commonly lacking across the board these days, but the high-emotional BPD is just a perfect storm for that kind of behavior to develop in.

[C.Stein]

I honestly think that he imagined a romantic relationship being an endless experience of adoration, love, and feeling high.  The part where you solve practical problems and negotiate never existed in his imagination, just like his own dark side doesn't exist in his imagination.

My ex was very much like this and it was an issue I brought up with her on several occasions.  She is so caught up in the Disney fantasy she simply can't see the reality of what a long term relationship means and requires.  Once the "honeymoon" came to an end she became frustrated and probably disillusioned.  She expected the "honeymoon" to last forever ... .and more importantly, without her making any effort at all to maintain that "honeymoon".

She also does not want to accept her dark side, that it is very much a part of her.  She had mentioned her dark side to me quite a few times, claiming I would never see it.  Now that I am out of the FOG I see her dark side was very much present she had just gotten better at concealing it.  I admit, whenever she said that it scared me as I never knew exactly what she was referring to when she referenced her "dark side".

[HurtinNW]

These are all amazing insights! I've been coming around lately to this view of BPD/cluster-B as "accountability disorders". I think that it usually starts in the family of origin, and lines up with the arrested emotional development that you see so often in pwBPD. I think that they simply *never* had true accountability modeled for them. True accountability has three parts: 1. recognizing that you've caused harm, and apologizing, 2. "making whole" ie. "what can I do to make this up to you?", and 3. having a plan and taking actual steps towards a behavioral change so that you don't cause harm in that way again.

So, already being prone to "black/white/feelings=facts" thinking, and never having developed adult accountability skills, pwBPD seem to think that feeling sorry and just apologizing is all that they have to do! And we're nuts to expect them to be able to quickly re-learn that. It's a hard thing to learn.

And, I mean, accountability skills are commonly lacking across the board these days, but the high-emotional BPD is just a perfect storm for that kind of behavior to develop in.

This makes a lot of sense to me. I haven't understood before how my boyfriend seems to think that once he says sorry the issue just goes away. The idea that a mistake requires repair and change doesn't seem to occur to him. He thinks that saying sorry is taking accountability.  And because he truly feels justified of course there is no need to develop any skills around making change. His black/white thinking means for him to admit any fault would mean is is all bad, and people in his world are either all bad or all good. His mask is he is good.

So the apology ends up working this way: 1) Says he is sorry because he doesn't want to think of himself as a bad person 2) Expect everything to be okay. 3) Get angry when it isn't, feel justified to rage, and repeat the same ugly behavior that led to the apology in the first place.

What I am starting to think is his conscience development is at a very, very young age. It's not that he intends to be mean or cruel. It is his ability to empathize with the pain someone else feels just isn't there. He is so out of touch with his own feelings that the internal ouch we feel when we hurt someone doesn't happen.

These boards are tremendously helpful.

[adaw]

i am in a relationship with a BPD for almost two years. I cycles in behavior. i just wait for the tide turn every time