There and back again-feeling torn apart

[L0stboys]

I've been coming to this board now for the last few months. ecen just reading that there are others out there makes me feel like I'm not alone, although at the same time my heart goes out to each and every one of you.

Two days again I said goodbye, through email, to my bpexgf. She was diagnosed two years ago. A small back story. We were together for 5 years. In which we had two breakups that didn't last longer than a month a piece. We lived together most of our relationship and there were good times coupled with bad times. Her need for triangulation was very apparent in our relationship. After I proposed to her two years ago our relationship went sour. I caught her texting another man she had ties with in California when she came back from a business trip. I did my best to work through that although I wasn't able to let it go. Fast forward to 5 months ago. We had just completed a 1500 mile move together. Within 2 months she was drinking and began an affair with a much, much older coworker. When I found out I did only what I knew to do and asked her to leave. Almost immediately I began the downward spiral that brought me to these boards. Everytime I asked her why, all she could say was that she needed time to process the breakup. The most she offered was thank you, and I'm sorry. Since then, absolutely silence. When she was diagnosed it coincided with the first emotional affair I caught her in. So my focus on BPD wasn't present. Now that she's gone I've torn my way through every book I could to learn about it. Half in hope of being prepared if she returned, half to understand and force my detachment. Thr hardest part of this has been the fact she offered no closure, and also shut me out completely. Almost over night. She knows that I have no one here outside of a few coworkers. She knows I'm hurting. She doesn't care. Her family has kept in touch with both of us, mostly her sister, to try and help mediate the seperate on. I tried for months with lengthy emails to reason with her. Atleast for closure. A few weeks ago she sent over something that I needed for work that I had asked for. She was polite, apologized for the delay in getting it to me and asked if I needed anything else. There was some minor photos I needed for work that I asked her for after she asked if there was anything else. Once I asked for them, silence . This is the last of breaking our stuff apart and going seperate ways. I went back into the fog two weeks ago trying to read into why she was stalling. Two days ago, I let it go, said my goodbyes, and showed as much empathy as I could to why she was shutting me out.

Since I've said goodbye, I've been an awful mess. The ruminations have come back 10 fold and I've been walking around for tears in my eyes for days. Inside her is someone healthy. She constantly tried for therapy. Once she left I was told she went back, but I'm unsure if that's the truth considering the way she is still acting. never once did I see her act this way towards someone else.

I guess what I'm looking for is a little help. How did you guys move on? Therapy is in progress but it doesn't seem to help. My best to all of you.

[hopealways]

I moved on by NC. As hard as it seems, that's the only way to go because there is no cure for BPD and they do not change.

You can block them if you want but it didn't make a difference for me as they can always find a way to reach you.  You just need to have enough time pass + therapy + true introspection and you will come out of all this a WAYYYY better person.

[jhkbuzz]

Since I've said goodbye, I've been an awful mess. The ruminations have come back 10 fold and I've been walking around for tears in my eyes for days. Inside her is someone healthy. She constantly tried for therapy. Once she left I was told she went back, but I'm unsure if that's the truth considering the way she is still acting. never once did I see her act this way towards someone else.

I guess what I'm looking for is a little help. How did you guys move on? Therapy is in progress but it doesn't seem to help. My best to all of you.

I'm so sorry, the immediate aftermath of a b/u with a pwBPD is so very, very painful. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. My r/s lasted for 8 years; my ex also began cheating in emotional affairs before moving into physical affairs. It was a terrible, terrible experience.

I bolded the error in your thinking, and it's an error that's got you holding on in what's sometimes referred to as "malignant hope." Your thinking goes like this: I know the good, wonderful, healthy her is somewhere beneath all the chaos and lying and cheating. I saw how wonderful she was when we first met... .where did she go? Maybe if I had hung on longer and loved her harder we could have gone back to the way it was... ."

Someone else posted this recently, and it's the most succinct explanation that you need to hear right now.

"BPD is not an illness. There is no 'healthy' part of the person plus BPD part. Their personality is disordered. Complete personality. It is not like mental illness that you can isolate with medication so that healthy part of the personality can 'come out'.

All the good stuff (mostly idealization) and all the bad stuff (mostly devaluation) is under the influence of the disorder. Stop looking at her in this perspective (great part plus BPD). It is not true and it will make you unable to detach."

I'm glad you found a therapist - I did too. Unfortunately, time is what's needed to heal. I've also found therapy to be incredibly enlightening; first by helping me understand BPD (my therapist understood my need to make sense of the tsunami that had rolled through my life and swept everything I cared about away) - but then by helping me to start to process the trauma in my own past that may have made me more vulnerable to a r/s with a pwBPD.

[C.Stein]

Thr hardest part of this has been the fact she offered no closure, and also shut me out completely. Almost over night.

.

.

.

Since I've said goodbye, I've been an awful mess. The ruminations have come back 10 fold and I've been walking around for tears in my eyes for days. Inside her is someone healthy. She constantly tried for therapy. Once she left I was told she went back, but I'm unsure if that's the truth considering the way she is still acting. never once did I see her act this way towards someone else.

I guess what I'm looking for is a little help. How did you guys move on? Therapy is in progress but it doesn't seem to help. My best to all of you.

My story is much the same.  I was offered no closure at all and our final "goodbye" was one of the most painful experiences of my life. 

I was just coldly thrown away like trash like we never shared anything together.  There were no apologies offered by her for anything and I am relatively certain she has blamed me for everything because that is who she is and what she needs to do. 

The hurricane of ruminations and nonstop tears in my eyes lasted for months, that is when I finally started feeling emotions again.  I am still dealing with tears and ruminations (among the host of other emotions) but it has lessened considerably and the tears in the eyes, while still daily for the most part, don't occur that often.

Moving on from this has been difficult for me (understatement of the century).  Trying to find a way to acceptance is the way out of this mess.  I know how hard it is and I still haven't quite gotten there myself even 7.5 months after being thrown away ... .but I will get there eventually and so will you. 

Stand tall and believe in your ability to weather this storm and come out stronger on the other side.

[TheCodependent1]

The good news is you can and will detach with love and care from your exBPDgf, the bad news is your ex is unable to detach from BPD, likely ever. If you allow yourself to continue with the thoughts there is a possibility of healing the woman you fell in love with from the disorder which is actually the real her, you will only delay your own healing as it is not possible for you to save her.

Be good to yourself.

"Accept was it, let go of what was and have faith in what will be."