I dont know if it is me who had PBD, or my ex or both

[Depression = 72% of members]

I show signs of BPD I am aware. I have intense emotions and don't handle stress well. I am still upset about a DUI i got. I do lie and leave out details but I am not manipulative of people. I am actually easily manipulated and too trusting of people.  I do have feeling of emptiness and bordom. I have changed my major and colleges 3 times. I don't like hurting people and judge myself hardly when I do. I have a lot of life long friends. I'm a people pleaser. I do not like losing people but how i handled this break up... I don't know if it was me or him.

He is a liar, he constantly lied and cheated on me during our relationship. He actually blamed it on me because I snapped at his neediness one time while working 18 hour days. So he constantly cheated and lied. He was always beyond flirty with women. It was like he needed to be special to them. He is quick to anger and anxiety. He also doesn't have a lot of close friends. He says he makes friends with females better but only hangs out with women who want to be with him. He actually had a conversation about being manipulative in relationships.

What is worse he wanted to marry me and called me his miracle, but broke up with me because i caught him lying and cheating again. He kept bringing the girl who cheated on me with over our shared house.

This lead to us getting into a huge fight me slapping him and him pushing me through the window.

He lied to the cops when the came claiming it was all my fault.

Whats worse is he still wont admit he left me for her or cheated. He calls me delusional and childish when we talk about it. He says I treated him like sh__t I don't think i did but it hurts me all the time to think someone i truly love thinks i treated them horribly.

I don't know who is sick... is it me or is it him? is it both?

[kitteski]

I show signs of BPD I am aware. I have intense emotions and don't handle stress well. I am still upset about a DUI i got. I do lie and leave out details but I am not manipulative of people. I am actually easily manipulated and too trusting of people.  I do have feeling of emptiness and bordom. I have changed my major and colleges 3 times. I don't like hurting people and judge myself hardly when I do. I have a lot of life long friends. I'm a people pleaser. I do not like losing people but how i handled this break up... I don't know if it was me or him.

He is a liar, he constantly lied and cheated on me during our relationship. He actually blamed it on me because I snapped at his neediness one time while working 18 hour days. So he constantly cheated and lied. He was always beyond flirty with women. It was like he needed to be special to them. He is quick to anger and anxiety. He also doesn't have a lot of close friends. He says he makes friends with females better but only hangs out with women who want to be with him. He actually had a conversation about being manipulative in relationships.

What is worse he wanted to marry me and called me his miracle, but broke up with me because i caught him lying and cheating again. He kept bringing the girl who cheated on me with over our shared house.

This lead to us getting into a huge fight me slapping him and him pushing me through the window.

He lied to the cops when the came claiming it was all my fault.

Whats worse is he still wont admit he left me for her or cheated. He calls me delusional and childish when we talk about it. He says I treated him like sh__t I don't think i did but it hurts me all the time to think someone i truly love thinks i treated them horribly.

I don't know who is sick... is it me or is it him? is it both?

[hurting300]

Ok... .Many people can not handle stress. Many people have intensified emotions. Sometimes when you're with someone who is sick it will make you act out.

[kitteski]

Ok... .Many people can not handle stress. Many people have intensified emotions. Sometimes when you're with someone who is sick it will make you act out.

Yeah but all the lying he did broke my confidence and i became really needy... I ended up in the hospital. it wasnt just this it was a bunch of stuff that put me there. Like i caught him cheating and forgave him and then two months later found out he was still talking to the girl because she came to him for help even though for two months he lied to my face about it... It was at that point i broke down into a deep depression

[C.Stein]

Welcome to the land of BPD.  

The betrayal of trust is devastating and destroying.  When my trust was blatantly betrayed I also fell into a deep depression and withdrew/distanced myself from my ex as a result.  It is something that can really damage your self-confidence and self-esteem.

We all play a part in the dynamics of the relationship even if it may be somewhat lopsided at times.  You can't change him or fix him but you can examine your own role and issues you feel might have contributed to the relationship instability.  :)o you see potential here for some personal understanding and growth as a result of this relationship?

I so understand how much it hurts knowing someone who used to love and adore you now thinks/treats you like a leper.  This is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with and still am trying to accept it.  It triggers a range of highly conflicting emotions within me ... .anger, guilt, profound hurt/sorrow/sadness.  

I am now only left with trying my best to be objective, to see everything for how it was truly, for how she was truly, and find some way to accept it all.  It is difficult and there are many obstacles but I will eventually get there and so will you.

[kitteski]

so its normal for them to switch to hate afterwards? Because he loved me up until he stared dating her then he wanted me out of his life

[steelwork]

so its normal for them to switch to hate afterwards?

In a word: yes.

[C.Stein]

so its normal for them to switch to hate afterwards? Because he loved me up until he stared dating her then he wanted me out of his life

Hate is a very strong emotion.  I see it as being painted different shades of black.  How black you get painted depends on the circumstances and persons involved.   Also I don't feel there is any way to really know how a pwBPD  feels at any given moment.  

I was replaced then thrown away like trash and most likely painted a deep shade of black so she could justify and excuse her own behavior and actions.  I have become an incredibly painful reminder of who she really is and she would probably be happy if I disappeared from the face of the earth.  From the day she threw me away I essentially ceased to exist to her and it was like we never even had a relationship.   It is exceptionally difficult to deal with someone you love doing that to you and I am sorry you are going through this.

[kitteski]

I guess he painted me as black as possible because I knew something was going on with the girl but choose to trust him again.

[C.Stein]

I guess he painted me as black as possible because I knew something was going on with the girl but choose to trust him again.

Sigh ... .me too ... .or more like I choose to ignore what deep down I was suspecting.

[kitteski]

This has taught me to trust my instincts and that feelings for myself trumps others... I never fully trusted him and now I know why

[steelwork]

Right. I think C.Stein is correct to point out that "hate" is too simple a word for it. I think it was anger more than hatred, and the anger was based in bad feelings and loneliness that in fact I had contributed to. I wasn't able to address it because he mostly hid it from me while it was brewing. It only erupted once he was secure in a new relationship (unbeknownst to me), so it LOOKED like:

LOVE! No, HATE!

But he didn't experience it that way. He'd been angry at me for a long time, and it apparently didn't occur to him that his I couldn't tell based on his behavior.

[kitteski]

How did you let go. I feel so guilty and at fault.  I know I want perfect but no one is in a relationship, but we were normal until he started lying and cheating. So how do I let go of guilt he's projected on to me?

[C.Stein]

This has taught me to trust my instincts and that feelings for myself trumps others... I never fully trusted him and now I know why

My instincts told me on many occasions that my ex was not being entirely honest with me and that something had (or was) going on.  I believe it is important to know sometimes instincts can be wrong if they are being fueled by things like jealously or your own paranoia and insecurities.  That said when something just doesn't fit, when it is more than just a feeling, your instincts will more often than not be right.  

I had a very small but persistent voice deep inside telling me right from the beginning that my ex could (and probably would) cheat on me, be it emotional, physical or both.  This voice was not only fueled by her behavior and things she said but was also fueled by my own past experiences.  It kept me in a constant state of fear and anxiety throughout the relationship.  I don't know if my ex consciously wanted me to feel this way, I don't think she did, but her behavior and actions effectively kept me in this state.  I don't believe she ever really saw what she was doing to me even though I talked to her about it on numerous occasions.

In any event sadly that little voice inside was right but a part of me still feels responsible and guilty for the destruction of our relationship even though the vast majority of the instability and destruction was due to her behavior and actions.  She somehow made me feel responsible even though rationally and logically I know I am not.  I do feel guilty for my withdrawal and distancing because I could have handled it better over the long term.  Yet even if I hadn't withdrawn I don't know if it would have made a difference in the long run.  It probably wouldn't have and perhaps I just need to look at this as a blessing in disguise.  At least this all didn't happen after we were married with kids.

In any event I still have guilt and I just have to find a way to forgive myself ... .but only for what I am responsible for and not what she wants me to take responsibility for.

[kitteski]

Why couldn't he let me go fully? He blamed me for his actions but then said he still loves me wants to forgive me and just needs time and space to do it. Was that for him or for me?

[C.Stein]

Why couldn't he let me go fully? He blamed me for his actions but then said he still loves me wants to forgive me and just needs time and space to do it. Was that for him or for me?

I venture it was for him.  What does he need to forgive you for?

[kitteski]

He claimed I treated him like sh_t when I asked why its because I got frustrated with his neediness and cingly over the summer  and handled it poorly, I apologized and proved to him I didn't mean what I said. He got over it and then wsn over it when we broke up. Then when I stopped trusting him after the lying and cheating. I didn't beilive him when he told me things so he stopped hangout with friends and all his "girls". I could tell something was going on with his female coworker, who he cheated and left me for. I asked a mutual friend about it and when I showed the conversation to him he claimed he could never trust me because I talked about him behind his back and didn't show me he conversation "soon enough"

[kitteski]

He also did not like my friendship with men. He said i was too flirty and that they all clearly had feelings for me. I now see that was just a projection of his over flirtatiousness and relationship with women

[hurting300]

He also did not like my friendship with men. He said i was too flirty and that they all clearly had feelings for me. I now see that was just a projection of his over flirtatiousness and relationship with women

Guy friends ruins relationships. I know firsthand.

[kitteski]

Eh... .Maybe because he is Borderline but this is the first time any of my male friends have been an issue with an SO

[C.Stein]

Guy friends ruins relationships. I know firsthand.

I don't necessarily agree with this.  If the relationship is built on real unshakable trust then guy friends (not friends with possible benefits) shouldn't be an issue and why would it be?  As a guy, if I feel secure with my partner and know she would never step across the line (physically and/or emotionally) then there is no reason for me to be jealous or afraid. 

However I do agree that friends of the opposite sex can destroy a relationship if the complete and unwavering trust in each other is not there.  If either person has given the other a valid reason to question their trust then nothing good will ever come from those friends. 

Trust here is critical and I speak not only of trusting your partner but also trusting yourself and your partners ability to trust themselves.

[kitteski]

Guy friends ruins relationships. I know firsthand.

I don't necessarily agree with this.  If the relationship is built on real unshakable trust then guy friends (not friends with possible benefits) shouldn't be an issue and why would it be?  As a guy, if I feel secure with my partner and know she would never step across the line (physically and/or emotionally) then there is no reason for me to be jealous or afraid. 

However I do agree that friends of the opposite sex can destroy a relationship if the complete and unwavering trust in each other is not there.  If either person has given the other a valid reason to question their trust then nothing good will ever come from those friends. 

Trust here is critical and I speak not only of trusting your partner but also trusting yourself and your partners ability to trust themselves.

Exactly my ex has even admitted it to me he trusted me to not cheat on him. He on the other hand projected how he handles his female "friends" the truth is. He is very manipulative and a liar. I wish i could say I knew what I did wrong, but I don't know what is truth, lies, or delusions in his head. I think the truth is over the summer when i snapped at him, he started splitting with me. Even before that he was splitting because he was always negative 

[hurting300]

Guy friends ruins relationships. I know firsthand.

I don't necessarily agree with this.  If the relationship is built on real unshakable trust then guy friends (not friends with possible benefits) shouldn't be an issue and why would it be?  As a guy, if I feel secure with my partner and know she would never step across the line (physically and/or emotionally) then there is no reason for me to be jealous or afraid. 

However I do agree that friends of the opposite sex can destroy a relationship if the complete and unwavering trust in each other is not there.  If either person has given the other a valid reason to question their trust then nothing good will ever come from those friends. 

Trust here is critical and I speak not only of trusting your partner but also trusting yourself and your partners ability to trust themselves.

Most of the time when a female only has guy friends it's a huge red flag. It has been for me.

[steelwork]

Most of the time when a female only has guy friends it's a huge red flag. It has been for me.

Only guy friends... .I don't know. But I could never be in a relationship with someone who didn't accept that I have dear, dear guy friends who I have no plans of getting rid of.

[hurting300]

Most of the time when a female only has guy friends it's a huge red flag. It has been for me.

Only guy friends... .I don't know. But I could never be in a relationship with someone who didn't accept that I have dear, dear guy friends who I have no plans of getting rid of.

My ex only had men around her. For money, for sex and whatever else. I won't date anyone now if that's the case.

[steelwork]

Most of the time when a female only has guy friends it's a huge red flag. It has been for me.

Only guy friends... .I don't know. But I could never be in a relationship with someone who didn't accept that I have dear, dear guy friends who I have no plans of getting rid of.

My ex only had men around her. For money, for sex and whatever else. I won't date anyone now if that's the case.

That's entirely different than having guy friends.

[hurting300]

Most of the time when a female only has guy friends it's a huge red flag. It has been for me.

Only guy friends... .I don't know. But I could never be in a relationship with someone who didn't accept that I have dear, dear guy friends who I have no plans of getting rid of.

My ex only had men around her. For money, for sex and whatever else. I won't date anyone now if that's the case.

That's entirely different than having guy friends.

How?

[steelwork]

Most of the time when a female only has guy friends it's a huge red flag. It has been for me.

Only guy friends... .I don't know. But I could never be in a relationship with someone who didn't accept that I have dear, dear guy friends who I have no plans of getting rid of.

My ex only had men around her. For money, for sex and whatever else. I won't date anyone now if that's the case.

That's entirely different than having guy friends.

How?

How?

1. Having someone around for money, sex, and whatever else is not friendship.

2. Having male friends is not the same as having only male friends.