Need to detach from BPD wife, with whom I have two children

[e-Craig]

Hello,

I promised I've tried to keep this short, please forgive the length. Although she has not been officially diagnosed I feel confident that my wife has BPD. We do have some good times the regular crises are getting to be too much and I believe it is best to begin the process of divorce and detachment.

Presently we live in a small rural town and I have an online business which I run from the home. This is one of several hurdles to physical separation.

Additionally, my wife has withdrawn from many parenting activities and in most respects I am the primary caregiver. My oldest child will not spend the night with her away from me. The younger child is more flexible, but both are used to mom not really being around. In her free time wife is often upstairs on her phone, laying in bed in an upstairs room. Wife sleeps in a separate area of the house than the children and I. I put the children to bed every night, etc. etc.

My wife's family would support me having custody of the children in a separation, and wife is conflicted enough about parenting that she is likely to concede custody without a fight.

Unless my wife agrees to leave I would need to relocate my business and find another place large enough and suitable for home and workspace for me and the children. I do not currently have enough money to move. I am in the middle of completing (in my "free" time) a course in computer programming to enhance my earning potential. The cost of the course is significant, and I likely have 3-4 months until I complete it, so no extra money around until then.

I have no family on my side in this area (or even this region). The only family is my wife's sister. She is very helpful and schools the children here while I work (she is a retired elementary teacher). She has offered to let me (and the kids) stay at her home for some time but I don't think her husband would be thrilled about that and I don't want to strain their relationship. My wife's sister is very familiar with her sister's mental illness and has a very close relationship with my children as she has helped pick up the slack left by my wife's detachment from family life.

In a nutshell my wife is smart, hyper-self-absorbed, engaging, beautiful, and absolutely impossible to get along with. She is barely on speaking terms with her sister, and not on speaking terms with her sister's daughter. She knows she is mentally ill and is on an anti-depressant and mood stabilizer, but is not doing any BPD specific therapy.

She has had several inappropriate online relationships, including one that lasted 2-3. She just had some sort of "breakup" with this online boyfriend, and moped around the house for several days lovesick. This event heightened tensions with her family severely. I pretty much know by now that she is going to do whatever the hell she's going to do, so I don't engage much. But her family laid into her over the e-relationship and she consequently has cut them out of her life.

_____________________

Okay, so that's some background. Practically I will have very little extra money until I finish my course. Unless she agrees to leave she will be in the same house.

My plan is to

1) Try to convince her to leave (she said she would last night, hinted that she wouldn't this morning)

2) If she doesn't leave, don't have sex with her when she's warm to me (I am not good at this)

3) Continue to work and finish my course asap (it is self-paced) so that I'll be able to afford to move me and children out.

Thanks for listening.

[joeramabeme]

Hi e-Craig,

Welcome to the family. 

Sounds like you have a solid understanding of your wife's condition and where your marriage is at right now and have some difficult decisions to make.  Having extended family that acknowledges her condition is very helpful in helping you decide the choice that is right for you. 

My plan is to

1) Try to convince her to leave (she said she would last night, hinted that she wouldn't this morning)

2) If she doesn't leave, don't have sex with her when she's warm to me (I am not good at this)

3) Continue to work and finish my course asap (it is self-paced) so that I'll be able to afford to move me and children out.

Not sure how much insight I can provide on the 3 points above but I would say that you are spot on regards point #2.  Are your children aware of what you are thinking through?  This must be a lot for them to go through.  Also, have you thought about the very real possibility that leaving your wife may spur her to hold on to the marriage and that would make things more difficult for you and your children?

BPD is an attachment disorder.  Your wife may seem aloof and distant perhaps uncaring but your plans to leave will surely trigger her fears, even if she has mentioned leaving herself.  I do not have children with my ex and so think others will be able to provide a more insightful response but I wanted to welcome you to the family and let you know that there are many great resources and people here that can speak directly to this.

JRB

[Lucky Jim]

Hey e-Craig, Welcome!  You have come to a great place.  Your story sounds quite familiar.  You are not alone, my friend, and many of us have been down this path before you.  In my experience, it's typical for the Non to assume extra duties as the primary caretaker, due to the pwBPD's disorder.  I would like to caution you that it's easy to get burned-out when everything falls on your shoulders, so please remember to take care of yourself (easier said than done, I know).  Let us know if you have any particular questions.

LuckyJim

[e-Craig]

Not sure how much insight I can provide on the 3 points above but I would say that you are spot on regards point #2.  Are your children aware of what you are thinking through?  This must be a lot for them to go through.  Also, have you thought about the very real possibility that leaving your wife may spur her to hold on to the marriage and that would make things more difficult for you and your children?

BPD is an attachment disorder.  Your wife may seem aloof and distant perhaps uncaring but your plans to leave will surely trigger her fears, even if she has mentioned leaving herself.

The children are 6 and 9. My wife moved out for about a month last spring. If she leaves again it will not be a surprise to them, but it will still be difficult, of course. My nine year old know that something isn't right about mom that makes her very hard to get along with.

As far as holding onto the legal marriage, I don't think I'll have a problem with that. She is pretty down on marriage as a legal institution and wants a legal divorce, but wants to continue a romantic relationship with me (most days) and of course wants me to continue parenting the children.

If she won't agree to leave I'm not sure if I should talk to her. If I tell her today that I simply want to co-parent and not have a romantic relationship she'll agree. But she'll warm to me quickly and I'm not confident about my ability to turn her down when she comes on to me.

[e-Craig]

Let us know if you have any particular questions.

LuckyJim

Yeah, I'll be blunt . . . any strategies for rebuffing sexual advances from a beautiful woman? This is a life-skill I have not mastered and the thing I'm most concerned about if she doesn't leave.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Craig, It sounds like she is using sex to manipulate you.  My gut feeling is that this is something to be addressed with her up front, before she makes any advances.  Maybe you could have a cup of coffee with her and tell her that right now you want to take a break from sex, until the two of you figure out where this r/s is headed?  Sometimes it feels good to speak one's personal truth, though it takes guts to do it.

LuckyJim

[e-Craig]

My gut feeling is that this is something to be addressed with her up front, before she makes any advances.

I've addressed it. It won't mean anything to her when she warms to me. I'll avoid being alone with her.

Today she agreed to go to a girlfriend's to live if her friend says it is okay. They are pretty close so I think she'll go. She says she'll pack some things and go after she gets off work tomorrow. I'm relieved and sad.

[joeramabeme]

I'm relieved and sad.

Hang in there e-Craig, divorce or separation is very sad and when the one we love has BPD I think it is even more difficult.  Keep us posted on how you are doing and what is happening.

JRB

[e-Craig]

Hang in there e-Craig, divorce or separation is very sad and when the one we love has BPD I think it is even more difficult.  Keep us posted on how you are doing and what is happening.

Thank you very much Joe. It probably won't surprise you that last night she reversed course and said she wouldn't leave. I'm not sure what direction I'm heading--I don't even know what forum to post in. I don't see any practical way to move my business and household in the next few months, I'm not sure how to emotionally occupy a space in which I'm living with her and working at home but in a lame duck marriage, so I guess I'll take it to the "not sure" subforum until I'm less confused.

[joeramabeme]

I'm not sure what direction I'm heading--I don't even know what forum to post in.

I don't see any practical way to move my business and household in the next few months, I'm not sure how to emotionally occupy a space in which I'm living with her and working at home but in a lame duck marriage, so I guess I'll take it to the "not sure" subforum until I'm less confused.

Hey e-Craig, just want to repeat, ending a marriage isn't easy and a BPD marriage more so.  Sounds like you are aware of the Deciding or Conflicted Board?  This may be helpful to see what others are deciding in the process.

I want to add a helpful thought to your consideration around running your business home and the difficult decisions you are making.  Regardless of the choices you will make, running your business is going to be difficult around all of this.  If possible, try and prioritize your decisions around a time frame that allows for getting your professional affairs in order first.  Perhaps there is a way to get another temporary office space separate from the home?  Probably an expense you don't want to pay for but may offer some flexibility for you in what sounds like a stalemate situation between home and work life. 

[Lucky Jim]

It probably won't surprise you that last night she reversed course and said she wouldn't leave

This is quite predictable.  When the fear of abandonment kicks in, a pwBPD will cling rather than take a step forward.  This is part of the push/pull nature of a BPD r/s.  Stay strong and keep moving in the direction that is right for you, is my suggestion.  There's a good chance she will be use F-O-G (fear, obligation and/or guilt) in order to manipulate you, so be ready.

LuckyJim

[iluminati]

My first piece of advice is to hold off on the intimacy.  The rules of the board preclude the use of certain language, but there's plenty of, um... .independent adult-oriented cinema and adult novelties to take the edge off of certain needs.  Hint hint. 

My second piece of advice is to wait until the class is done.  You know you're somewhat stuck until that's wrapped up because that effects cash flow.  Also, remember that lawyers don't work for free.  While you can easily move your online business wherever you have net access, that still takes time.  Even still, start getting your ducks in a row in terms of custody, finances and such.  You don't want any surprises.