Addictions and BPD

[adaw]

Even though i am a very laid back person i have a few pet hates. I do not consume alcohol or any other substances. My BPD thinks it is OK to use marijuana and is addicted to gambling. no matter how strongly i express my desires not to have this crap anywhere close to me she disregards it and say I'm narrowminded in spite of years of experience in the field of addictions.

I also found that they mingle with lower class people in order to make themselves look better. the fact that I am well educated and talented very creative is extremely discomforting to her and she belittles my art.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Use of substances of one kind or another is a common trait of BPD. previous discussion on the topic here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=122901.0

It doesn't matter how much you express your wishes, it is ultimately wishful thinking. If you dont want to be exposed to something you will need to use solid boundaries.

However before you have boundaries you need to be sure it is to protect you rather than dictate how someone else chooses to live their life.

Someone else is just as entitled to have a gamble as you do to hate it. How much you allow yourself to be exposed to it is ultimately your choice

[Chilibean13]

It's important to remember that we cannot change someone else's behavior. We can only change our own. If your pwBPD drinking around you is a major issue for you then you will need to set some boundaries in place. The boundary should be set up ahead of time, not in the heat of the moment. It could sound like this:

I have shared with you that I do not like to be around alcohol or people who are drinking. I cannot prevent you from drinking alcohol but I can decide whether I am around it or not. If you would like to continue drinking, please do not drink when I am around. If you decide to drink in front of me then I will leave the house until you are sober (or she will have to leave the house or whatever consequence you believe fits the crime). But you have to stick to this each and ever time.

Before trying to enact a boundary though, I would highly suggest that you begin to read through the lessons on the right side of the page. -----------> You may learn a lot about her.

Could it be possible that you pwBPD is hanging around with "lower class" people not because it makes her feel better about herself, but because that is where she feels comfortable? People from lower socioeconomic statuses are very easy people to hang out with. They accept people as they are. They rarely judge someone, even if they are doing wrong. They open their homes to take in strangers and treat them as family. They are often more generous and caring and thoughtful than those of us from higher socioeconomic statuses. 

[waverider]

Could it be possible that you pwBPD is hanging around with "lower class" people not because it makes her feel better about herself, but because that is where she feels comfortable? People from lower socioeconomic statuses are very easy people to hang out with. They accept people as they are. They rarely judge someone, even if they are doing wrong. They open their homes to take in strangers and treat them as family. They are often more generous and caring and thoughtful than those of us from higher socioeconomic statuses. 

This is important, and resembles a perceived safer and less threatening environment. Less self image focused, and less likely to want others to fit around their "standards'. The downside is it can entrench them in a can't do attitude, and reinforce self validating of their behavior which is not always conducive to self advancement. ie, blocking of life's challenges.

[Chilibean13]

This is important, and resembles a perceived safer and less threatening environment. Less self image focused, and less likely to want others to fit around their "standards'. The downside is it can entrench them in a can't do attitude, and reinforce self validating of their behavior which is not always conducive to self advancement. ie, blocking of life's challenges.

Very true. My H and I are solid middle class. We have finally arrived!  Even though we are very comfortable financially he fantasizes about quitting his job to go work as a line order cook again. Scares me. Drives me crazy. He misses hanging out with the people. These people live hectic chaotic lives of baby mamas, drug and alcohol abuse, bad financial decisions, etc. but he is comfortable with them. He glorifies this lifestyle yet hates it at the same time. He gets frustrated with his friends that get payday loans and won't fight in court for custody to see their kids. THe only reason we have moved forward in life is because someone at church offered him a better job that bumped us up.

[Cloudy Days]

My husband actually talked about the this topic the other day in therapy. He said he doesn't feel comfortable going into a restaurant or a place like that by himself because he feels judged by people but he is able to go into a liquor store because they are all scummy and trashy and he doesn't feel judged because they see worse every day than what he feels.

[Stanfran]

Good post. Thank you

[an0ught]

My husband actually talked about the this topic the other day in therapy. He said he doesn't feel comfortable going into a restaurant or a place like that by himself because he feels judged by people but he is able to go into a liquor store because they are all scummy and trashy and he doesn't feel judged because they see worse every day than what he feels.

Excellent example of how to validate a pwBPD (or any person) who feels down. There is a lot to learn from sales when it comes to validation.