Promiscuity and BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Does anybody else know of a person with BPD in their life that is very sexually promiscuous? I can't believe how many men my ex has slept with (that she remembers) since we broke up. She claims at least 26.

She was almost 20 when I met her (she's 24 now) and I was the fifth person she had sex with. Four of the guys before me were ex-boyfriends, three of which were year-long relationships. She has burned through 6 or 7 relationships in the past year alone, all of which lasted a month or less in duration. Throw in a handful of one-night-stands as well.

I just can't believe what has become of my ex. It actually disgusts me now. She uses it as a means of getting what she wants to.

When she was staying with me over a month ago (we weren't together), we were just hanging out together in my bedroom and she asked to see pictures of some of the girls I've dated since we broke up three years ago. I told her no, and then she started to say things like, "I'll let you do whatever you want me to me sexually if you do show me. You can do X, Y, Z." I told her no. I could tell she was upset at the rejection, and she can be so immature about it. She sends me a text while I'm laying right beside her that said, "How could you reject a half-naked 4.5/10 that's laying right beside you... ."

Another time she left my house to go hook-up with one of her other ex-boyfriends. While she was gone, I relieved some much needed sexual tension. When she came back, which was a few hours later, we were in my bedroom together and my dog takes a piece of tissue paper out of my garbage which I used to clean myself off with. My ex asked to smell it and yeah... .busted. She then said, ":)on't worry, I had a bunch of that on my face a little earlier."

... .

A while later she bugs me about it again by saying, "Trying to get some stamina for tonight  " Later on that night she tried to initiate sex with me and all I could think about was what she said earlier and the thought of her having sex earlier in the day. Just... .ugh. Ew. She's so nasty. Definitely not the girl I used to know, which does sadden me.

A few months ago before she came to stay with me she told me this story about this first date she had with some guy off Tinder. They went back to his place and he came onto her. She claims he sexually molested her even though they had sex four times that night. I'm paraphrasing, but she told me something like, "I just sort of let it happen, even though I didn't want to. I almost cried, but felt like if this is what I needed to do to not be alone then so be it."

[paperlung]

Does anybody else know of a person with BPD in their life that is very sexually promiscuous? I can't believe how many men my ex has slept with (that she remembers) since we broke up. She claims at least 26.

She was almost 20 when I met her (she's 24 now) and I was the fifth person she had sex with. Four of the guys before me were ex-boyfriends, three of which were year-long relationships. She has burned through 6 or 7 relationships in the past year alone, all of which lasted a month or less in duration. Throw in a handful of one-night-stands as well.

I just can't believe what has become of my ex. It actually disgusts me now. She uses it as a means of getting what she wants to.

When she was staying with me over a month ago (we weren't together), we were just hanging out together in my bedroom and she asked to see pictures of some of the girls I've dated since we broke up three years ago. I told her no, and then she started to say things like, "I'll let you do whatever you want me to me sexually if you do show me. You can do X, Y, Z." I told her no. I could tell she was upset at the rejection, and she can be so immature about it. She sends me a text while I'm laying right beside her that said, "How could you reject a half-naked 4.5/10 that's laying right beside you... ."

Another time she left my house to go hook-up with one of her other ex-boyfriends. While she was gone, I relieved some much needed sexual tension. When she came back, which was a few hours later, we were in my bedroom together and my dog takes a piece of tissue paper out of my garbage which I used to clean myself off with. My ex asked to smell it and yeah... .busted. She then said, ":)on't worry, I had a bunch of that on my face a little earlier."

... .

A while later she bugs me about it again by saying, "Trying to get some stamina for tonight  " Later on that night she tried to initiate sex with me and all I could think about was what she said earlier and the thought of her having sex earlier in the day. Just... .ugh. Ew. She's so nasty. Definitely not the girl I used to know, which does sadden me.

A few months ago before she came to stay with me she told me this story about this first date she had with some guy off Tinder. They went back to his place and he came onto her. She claims he sexually molested her even though they had sex four times that night. I'm paraphrasing, but she told me something like, "I just sort of let it happen, even though I didn't want to. I almost cried, but felt like if this is what I needed to do to not be alone then so be it."

[jhkbuzz]

Yes, my ex is promiscuous. She once told me (before we broke up, when she was in therapy) that she realized she used sex to make people like her - but it wasn't on a conscious level.

Really sad.

[MapleBob]

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with promiscuity, but by some people's standards, yes, my uBPDex was promiscuous between relationships. I don't think that's necessarily disordered.

[balletomane]

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with promiscuity, but by some people's standards, yes, my uBPDex was promiscuous between relationships. I don't think that's necessarily disordered.

Liking casual sex isn't necessarily a problem. It only becomes a problem when it's driven by impulsiveness, and this is an issue for many people with BPD. Impulsiveness can prevent people from thinking through a situation with a clear head and keeping themselves safe. I'd also be worried if someone was sleeping with lots of people to try and satisfy some deep emotional need, or to keep others happy.

When my ex was nineteen, he agreed to sex with a couple in their forties, for no other reason than they suggested it. He is pretty vulnerable in how he acts and he couldn't see that there was maybe something exploitative in that situation. He also didn't have a clear idea of why he'd even said yes. He dated a sex worker for four months and they would regularly have sex without condoms. It only occurred to him that this was unsafe when he and I had got together, and I said no to sex because we had no protection. He was surprised I would consider this an issue, and told me he never normally used condoms. I was very frightened when I heard that, because it showed such disregard for his own safety, never mind my own. It was only when I explicitly pointed out that his last girlfriend had had multiple partners a week that he saw what was bothering me. He just hadn't thought of it like that. When we were still together, he burst into tears and told me, "If it weren't for you I'd end up in anybody's bed." He described how before our relationship he had slept with two ex-girlfriends in one day, and he didn't even know why. This was rare insight for him; a few hours later he was back to thinking there was nothing wrong with how he conducts himself in relationships.

Thinking about all this reminds me of how good it is to be out of there!

[WoundedBibi]

Well... my ex is a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a puzzle, certainly where sex is concerned.

If all his equipment worked my ex might do the same, sleep around. But the equipment hasn't worked properly in years. Takes vitamins to solve his issue although I'm convinced it's a consequence of his mental issues.

He hits on loads of women. In the pub mainly. Just for supply I think. And when he is seriously flirting with a woman he comes across as having only one goal, take this woman home (but he never does). He hit seriously on another co-worker in front of me to punish me for asking him a question he interpreted in a different way than I meant it. Ignored me the rest of the evening while hitting on her, and I was intensely hurt but too stubborn to leave. At the end of the evening he kissed me and asked "what just happened?".

He is also repulsed by sex. Stating once a year is enough and having sex is 'such a hassle'. He also says he prefers the 50 shades of etc kind when he does have sex and that oral or helping himself is the only way to have his happy ending.

Women with tight clothes or a bit of cleavage repulse him; he gets annoyed on the brink of angry having to be in the same room as a woman dressed like that and will make non stop derogatory remarks about her.

The woman he flirts with cannot let him know she is interested in him too; that's repulsive. Let alone a woman taking the first step. Which happens quite a bit because of his looks.

He expects his woman/'the one' to be chaste in behaviour and clothing, and void of any sexual desires of her own. Unless he is in the mood of course. So basically his woman is a tool for his pleasure.

He loves women and in this country only has friends that are women or gay men. He does have some male straight friends back home.

He has tried to have a relationship with several female members of his own team. Which he denies, and has been warned about by management and HR as getting that close to someone you're the boss of, is obviously not ethical.

Puzzling together some pieces, I think he did exactly the same in other companies and this is a big reason he keeps losing his job. Whether it is because management doesn't approve, because the girl reads more into it than he means later on and a conflict arises, or because there's an actual relationship that goes belly up, the result is the same.

He might love women but at the same time it is clear he is confused about his gender preference. He can act a bit 'camp' and has kissed a guy that came on to him right in front of my nose and has stated some people think he is bisexual. Which angered him greatly. The guy he kissed wanted more which made him walk away in anger saying he wanted to kill someone. But did say to me " sex once year is enough. Maybe twice. With a woman."  

He has put his mother on a pedestal, and says he loves his sister so much it's "almost incestuous". That last bit really scared me. Major  

Somatic pwBPD mixed with cerebral narcissist? Oedipus complex? Madonna-lady who earns her living lying down complex? Misogynist? All of them? I think even Freud himself would have a field day with this guy...

[Herodias]

My husband slept with at least 6 women that I know of during my 7 year marriage... .    I do know of a female with BPD that has 3 children and is hyper-religious. She would not even date a man while her husband and her were separated for 2 years.

[Claycrusher]

Does anybody else know of a person with BPD in their life that is very sexually promiscuous?

Yeah.  My BPDw is.  To her credit, she's a gifted performer in the marriage bed.  Aside from the first time, when I lost my virginity to her because she essentially raped me, and aside from our most recent history from December 22 of last year to the present, sex with her was always a tremendously enjoyable experience for me.  I reckon she had to learn the skills somehow, somewhere... .

My BPDw had a half-sister who was also symptomatic for BPD, and like my BPDw, was also diagnosed with epilepsy and Lupus.  My late sister-in-law was promiscuous, too.  Highly promiscuous, in fact.

 

My sister-in-law once let on that she masturbated to a sex fantasy of me and her in conjugal action.

While living under my roof in the aftermath of false allegations of physical spousal abuse, she tried to seduce me in to having sex with her.

Shortly before my sister-in-law committed suicide by a wilful overdose of Tylenol, she was found literally naked in the gutter and clinging to life in the small hours of a rainy morning in the capital city of her home state.  The police initially opined that she had been the victim of a very violent gang rape.  The truth came out after my sister-in-law had been in intensive care for several days.

The truth was that she sought to live out a group-sex BDSM fantasy, and in the course of doing so with people she barely knew, she lapsed in to epilepsy-related syncope.  Her new-found sexual playmates cared about her so much that they literally dumped her naked in the gutter and fled the scene, rather than call for EMS and have to explain the nature of their association with her.

It wasn't too long after that when she had just been out of the hospital a few days and O.D.'d and died in her sleep.

[rfriesen]

My exBPDgf was promiscuous. I agree with MapleBob that there's nothing inherently wrong with that, but my ex acknowledged that she did it for validation and that she's often wished she didn't need to have sex and the attention of other men to feel good. That sometimes it made her feel sick about herself. Of course, there were plenty of times where she clearly revelled in the attention she was getting from men. But I believe she was sincere that quite often she finds herself feeling depressed at the idea she needs to sleep around to feel good about herself. So, no, there's nothing wrong with a person who enjoys sex and has many partners. But it seems that for many BPD sufferers, sex is a means of validation that isn't fulfilling in the long run. My ex also used the sexual attention of other men as part of our power struggles when she sensed I was thinking of ending the relationship. The crazy thing is I'm not a jealous person in other relationships -- haven't really felt any jealousy since being with my first high school girlfriends. But she knew how to hit all my buttons and drove me insane with it. This is one of the aspects of the relationship that still hurts when I think about it. She also engaged in extremely graphic sex talk with her best friend's husband right in front of us (i.e. in front of her best friend and me). I know my ex was oblivious to the damage she was doing, because she adores her best friend. I took my ex aside and told her how inappropriate it was and that her best friend looked crushed by it. My ex later talked to her best friend, then told me her best friend acknowledged it really upset her. My ex seemed to feel genuinely hurt and shaken. Sadly, I don't think it will actually change her behaviour. She can't seem to help herself. She told me how her sisters used to joke that she never met a camera she didn't love, that she was such an "attention whore". That was certainly true in the case of men's attention.

So, for sure - in the context of a healthy sex drive and open honest relationships, I don't see anything wrong with promiscuity. But in the case of my ex, and it seems of many other BPD sufferers, it's destructive of her own well-being and of those around her.

[JQ]

Hey Group,

My first exBPDgf was very promiscuous ... .this was many years ago before i even knew what BPD was.  Looking back on all her "conquest" and her telling me if I committed to her she would not do something like that ... .once bitten twice shy.  She continues to this day to be promiscuous ... .when I went back to help a couple of family members with medical issues she actually threw herself onto me ... .tried to unzip my pants more then a few times while I was trying to be a caregiver.  She became VERY angry at my rejection of her to the point where she was yelling at the top of her lungs and physically assaulted me.  She has been in a long term "relationship" with BF1 but no sex between them for whatever reason and frankly I don't care. She told me she was dating bf2 for sex only sense bf1 was providing roof, secure life, etc. BF2 was her play toy ... .and wanted me to replace bf2 ... .yep NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

Fast forward to recent history ... .exBPDgf #2 had told me of a couple of dozen sexual encounters she had over the years ... .she was very explicit in her fantasies and dreams when she explained them to me. She constantly watch porn and like the other example, had a fixation with gang rape BDSM fantasies.  Before my eyes were open ... .when I was in the FOG of BPD ... .I tried to win her over knowing that I was not the only guy in her life ... .although she wanted me to be ... ."so she says" ... .what a joke looking back.  When she called me to meet up with her on a out of town business trip ... ."for the last time as it turns out" ... .she made a couple of statements ... .and it's like the FOG was starting to lift.  I had made the comment at one point towards the end of the weekend after one of her "explanations on situations" ... .I said, "Maybe i should go get tested for STD's" ... .at which point she looks straight at me, smiles ... .and says, "That might be a good idea" ... .it was that moment ... .that very moment I closed the door on anything else to do with her ... .those six words were my "aha moment" ... ."my come to Jesus moment".

There is NO blanket statement that all pwPBD are promiscuous ... .but it is their impulse or lack of impulse behavior that leads a lot of them to have this lifestyle ... .and if you're going to be in a long term r/s with someone who has BPD ... .then you're going to have to accept this is going to be your life with them. She invited me to one of her therapist sessions ... .at one point I told the doc, "I just want to be in a committed monogamous relationship with her" ... .and his replay, "That might not ever happen with her" and she's sitting right next to me ... .she doesn't deny it ... .she doesn't defend it ... .it's simple a matter of fact.

I had a female friend who I care for very much ... .a wife of a friend ... .she became my friend ... .8 years after they married she learned through a series of events in a hospital stay that she had AIDS ... .full blown AIDS. She had never cheated on my friend ... .but she contracted it before she met him from her abusive, drug using, womanizing bf.  I treated her no different then when I didn't know she had AIDS ... .I hugged her, kissed her on the cheek and spent as much time with the both of them as I could. She would die a very slow & painful death with the last 3 weeks of her life in the hospital ... .I helped carry her casket ... .I miss my friend terribly today.  It was that life experience that I'm reminded of any time I think about that last weekend with my exBPDgf and HER "sexual appetite" ... .her promiscuous lifestyle ... .whether it's by choice ... .whether it's by a mental illness that she can't control ... .regardless of the reason ... .I remember what HER therapist said ... .then I remember the look in her eyes ... .the slanted smile she gave me when she said, "Maybe you should go get tested for STD's" ... .and know without a doubt that that there is NO woman worth the risk of dying such a horrible and painful death ... .

There is NO doubt for me that I will remain NC with either exBPDgf ... .I have no desire to pursue ANY type of relationship with her ... .I said good bye ... .I told her I wished her a long & healthy life ... .and said good bye ... .

I share this with all of you ... .maybe you don't have a similar story ... .maybe you do ... .the point is ... .he or she is NOT worth dying for from some STD ... .never mind herpes, Hep C, Hep B, or ALL the other STDs that you can catch and there is no cure for ... .only you can decide within yourself if you still want to pursue someone who has contracted or might contract something ... .there are over 8 billion people on this planet ... .I don't need to torture myself any further being in a BPD relationship ... .

J

[rfriesen]

I get what you're saying, JQ, about that twisted smile that can accompany some statement of sleeping around. I don't have any problem, as such, with a gf's sexual past. If it's in the past, and not something that I consider completely crazy, then I generally don't care. But with my exBPDgf, when things turned ugly, it's the way she wanted to create a feeling of something being sick and not right in our relationship, the way she would hint at, joke about, sleeping around in order to make me feel it was twisted and get a rise out of me. After I told her she was being way out of line with her best friend's husband, she actually told me she'd find it hot if I would stomp her foot or grab her in some other way anytime she crossed a line. I can now see that there's a twisted logic at work there -- she somehow senses that she needs boundaries and wants someone to put his foot down and control her when she gets out of line. Problem is, she'll just keep pushing the boundaries further to get a bigger rise ... .and who wants to spend their entire waking day trying to control someone like that? It's madness.

[JerryRG]

I could go on about my exBPDgf but one night she had her 14 year old nephew staying over at her place. She texted me and asked if I still had any condoms, I said I think so, why, She says she wants to show her nephew how to put one on using a banana. I gag and said I'm sure he already knows, (3 billion porn sites and yeah

I told her mother one time I was upset, trying to reveal how disgusting my ex can be to protect her nephew.

One time he was sleeping over and she was so excited that evening and jumped me in bed. Sick sick sick.

Shivering at the moment... . 

BPD normal? I think not!

[Nuitari]

I had no idea what BPD was when I was with my ex, but the first red flag for me that something wasn't right with her was her preoccupation with sex. No matter the topic of conversation with her, it somehow always became one about sex. I remember on one of our very first dates she told me that she would do anything I wanted her to. I tried to take it slow because I didn't want her to think I only wanted sex, but I soon learned that she wanted to be dominated sexually, and would get upset and frustrated when I wasn't "taking charge" and trying to get sex.  If I wasn't constantly pursuing sex with her, she took it to mean I didn't have any feelings for her.

When she later got back together with her husband, she would still come on to me. Looking back, I think she measures her self-worth on her ability to seduce a man. She's never come right out and admitted it, but she's said enough for me to suspect that something sexual happened between her and her brother-in-law once when he was temporarily living at her house while her husband was away.  

She also likes women. After getting back together with her husband, she and I would still talk on a regular basis, and she was always bringing up her husband's secretary, who he supposedly was attracted to. There is only one reason that I can think of why a man would discuss with his wife how attractive another woman is. I used to think that he was pursuing a threesome with her and the secretary, but now that the FOG has cleared and I can see her in a more objective light, I think its much more likely that she was pursuing the threesome.

I agree that there is nothing inherently wrong with promiscuity, but what was truly cruel in my case was that a lot of this was going on during a time when she was telling me that she loved me and wanted to be with me but couldn't hurt her husband anymore, and I believed her. She would look me in the eye and go on and on about how I was the only man she ever loved. She really knew how to me make me feel like she loved me and was tortured and hurting as much as I was. Meanwhile she is having threesomes behind my back. That isn't even what hurts, but the dishonesty and the acting. The idea that she could have threesomes while seeming so genuinely in love with me has been traumatic for me, and I feel that this experience has destroyed my ability to trust someone else.

[Frank88]

Mine was very promiscuous until she locked a guy in. Most of the guys just slept with her for a bit and moved on, even though she is a knockout. When she was younger she must have driven them away, and maybe learned some lessons on how to hook and keep guys as she got older. She is very cunning now. And, I disagree that there is nothing wrong with promiscuity. Can anyone tell me why it is good? In many cases a BPD has zero identity. Sex is all they have to feel they have any sense of control.

[rfriesen]

Frank88, I absolutely agree with that if someone is having sex just in order to feel some sense of control, or because they don't have any sense of boundaries or their own identity, they are probably setting themselves up to be hurt, to hurt others, and generally to have unstable relationships. What I meant by saying that I don't see anything wrong with promiscuity as such, is that I don't personally have any moral or religious objection to a person sleeping with many partners. The issue for me would be the consequences of doing so. If there's cheating and lying, then it's going to destroy relationships. If it's to fill a void, or because a person thinks that's what it takes not to be alone, then it seems likely to make things worse -- a person who uses sex to keep people around is likely to be used for sex, at least by some people who prey on insecurity, then to feel even more alone. So I guess the real question is - is there a healthy way to have many partners, with positive consequences? I really don't know. I just meant I wouldn't rule it out, and if someone seemed happy with many partners, I wouldn't condemn them for the simple fact of being promiscuous.

But, certainly in the context of BPD, promiscuity seems to be linked to a lot of unhealthy motivations and consequences.

[Rayban]

I work with my exBPDgf, and I wonder how many other people in the office she's slept with (both men and women) She can't stand to sleep alone, and must have someone next to her, and I believe that some of these people have become orbiters that she could call on when she's lonely. I once innocently asked if she knew where my manager was, and she replied, ''don't worry, I didn't go down on him'' delivered with a smirk. Later told me that she's slept with all of her male bosses, including one who was married.

Outside of work she boasts on how many rich older business owners have proposed to her, or offered lavish gifts. I believe that she uses sex to seduce and obtain what she wants from people. While we were together she, would deliberately leave expensive jewelry around her apartment. She said they were gifts. Stepping out of the FOG, I realized that this is what she had in store from me. She didn't love me, and I wasn't anymore special then the rest. I was to spoil her with whatever she wanted in exchange she would provide me with sex. I'm so lucky to never have bought her anything expensive, or worst propose to her.

She loved any attention period from anyone with a pulse. Hated when we were out together, and she would be showing cleavage. Men would be staring, smiling, and she would light up when It would upset me. Looking back she would say her body was all mine after we had sex ... .yeah right. She would flirt with waitresses, mirror them, and they would keep coming back to our table gushing. It wasn't just friendly banter. It was a touch, a smile, or just the look in other peoples faces, they were enchanted. I could only imagine what she was like when we I wasn't around.

First time I met her friends, she hit on her best friends boyfriend, right in front of my face. She of course denied it. I suspect she slept with him more then once. Remembered how just before going, he was all she could talk about. I've found out since that her best friend isn't speaking to her. I wonder why?   

Oh yeah, perhaps the biggest red flag I chose to ignore, was opening up a drawer and finding a variety of condoms, and she had an assortment of male grooming products in her shower. Sometimes I wonder how many have passed through.

[once removed]

just wanted to add:

going by the dictionary.com definition of promiscuity:

adjective

1.

characterized by or involving indiscriminate mingling or association, especially having sexual relations with a number of partners on a casual basis.

2.

consisting of parts, elements, or individuals of different kinds brought together without order.

3.

indiscriminate; without discrimination.

4.

casual; irregular; haphazard.

synonyms from google and dictionary.com include: licentiousness, wantonness, immorality;

1. unchaste. 2. hodgepodge, confused, mixed, jumbled.  3. careless.



some of this is what is being described, characterized by carelessness, which i consider behavior. having many partners, or more partners than i have had is not inherently a  or something i judge. neither is casual sex. whether or not i do make a judgment call (not necessarily the same as 'judging' is based upon my values and whats compatible with me.

good discussion 

[Rayban]

I've thought about it, and I feel that I would be willing to overlook all this, if I had the sense that she would be faithful to me, and me only. I realize that it's impossible. One individual is just to boring, she needs multiple sources of valuation. Otherwise I just serve a purpose to her . Maybe is just a sense of normalcy that she could present to people who are important to her, namely family, and especially in the work environment, where I feel she's bedded many females, and a male connection would make her career seem more normal...    

[Nuitari]

Sometimes I think we nons are the crazy ones. All of our pain with these people seems to stem from the idea of having a monogamous, meaningful, lasting relationship, something that is apparently impossible. Those goals are hard enough to achieve in non-borderline relationships. How many people on this planet have been hurt because of those objectives? Sometimes I think the world would be a less complicated and less painful place if we could all just let go of all this "relationship" business and just have casual sex with whoever.

[WoundedBibi]

Sometimes I think we nons are the crazy ones. All of our pain with these people seems to stem from the idea of having a monogamous, meaningful, lasting relationship, something that is apparently impossible. Those goals are hard enough to achieve in non-borderline relationships. How many people on this planet have been hurt because of those objectives? Sometimes I think the world would be a less complicated and less painful place if we could all just let go of all this "relationship" business and just have casual sex with whoever.

We are a bit crazy, that's why we're here 

Yes, let's abolish love. Might create issues when you want to bring up the next generation though. Especially if you're the woman doing that while the sperm donor is busy being casual somewhere else 

[rfriesen]

I think Nuitari makes a good point. I'd only add that I have no problem with casual sex as such. I even recall asking my exBPDgf as things were falling apart, "Why did you take things to such an intense emotional place, why did you become so jealous and possessive, why were you so angry in the end, if all you wanted was to enjoy some time together? Because I could have done that. I thought that's what you wanted at first."

And it really is true. As I said in telling my backstory, my exBPDgf was engaged at the time we started and I thought she just wanted an affair before getting married. After experiencing all the craziness and heartache of this relationship, I've reached a point where I would never help someone cheat again. In hindsight, I'm not proud of having done so and I feel for my ex's ex-fiancé. But in terms of my own relationship with my ex, what's so hard to make sense of is how she could get so angry and jealous and possessive, when she's incapable of being faithful herself. It COULD have been just a fun relationship between two people, who also laughed a lot together, enjoyed each other's company, and wished each other well in life. SHE is the one who brought "all this relationship stuff" into the mix, and in the most toxic way possible. So not only did we lose any chance at either a fun or serious relationship, but we went through hell to finally reach the end. That's what makes my head spin.

At the end of the day, I can only conclude that she's not able to think through for herself what she wants. When she saw she was losing me, she almost went out of her mind with grief and fear and longing. But the second she would feel more secure, she would go back to craving the attention of every man she crossed. It was hopeless.

[bearnana]

My ex BPD GF cheated on me with multiple men including her ex BF and her second cousin. For the last few months she triangulated between me and her second cousin and is now in a relationship with her cousin.

Throughout our relationship she lied pathologically. The first time she went out to watch movies with her cousin dogsitting for a friend I thought it was weird, but he was married so I didn't think anything of it. It wasn't till a month later that she told me she slept with him and without a condom. Yes I got tested and thankfully I'm clean.

She then lied about her plans on New Years and told me she was going to spend time with her female cousin. Well she was with her male cousin and they had sex in the car. She felt bad about cheating on me with her cousin so he talked to her ex bf. He convinced her to tell me, also she slept with him as well.

I'm now completely done with her romantically and I want her to stay with her cousin so she will leave me alone. Just starting no contact now, but I did fall so hard for her charms even though our entire love was a complete lie.

[Frustratedbloke]

I'm amazed by how Jerry Springer some of the stories get. My ex, I still don't know all the things she did, but I know she hooked up with other people off dating sites while we were 'together', before vehemently denying we were in a relationship. Until she wanted the next boyfriend type favour.

And her sister, got deliberately pregnant to trap her bf into marrying her. It didn't work and he became 'evil'.

FOG is a powerful thing, I can't believe I stuck in that mess.

[MapleBob]

Sometimes I think the world would be a less complicated and less painful place if we could all just let go of all this "relationship" business and just have casual sex with whoever.

That's a whole other can of worms... .

I think that modern humans do tend to over-equate sex and love, and the importance/sustainability of both in romantic partnership. Romantic love as something that exists in an idealized form in the long-term is actually a relatively new idea - and it was more or less invented by the troubadours to make money, because it does tug at the heartstrings.

Sometimes I'm of the mind that we should go back to the medieval concept of marrying for "a good match" and accepting that person as your child-rearing partner, and then mutually having a series of lovers in addition to that partnership.

Then again, we all feel jealousy, and I'm actually not that cynical about "true love forever". So who knows? 

[rfriesen]

FOG and the seduction/charm/sexual connection/laughter -- really blinded me to a lot of craziness that started once things went downhill. At the end of our relationship, my exBPDgf really started letting things hang out, and it was hard to ignore. I don't know what prompted that - maybe just the sense that it was all going to hell anyway, and she was going to let the mask fall a bit? Or desperation to keep my attention? I don't know.

But towards the end, she did say I better be careful, because she hoped to get pregnant with my child, just to be sure I'd always be around. That certainly set off alarm bells.

As for shady things on the side, I still am not sure whether she was sleeping with other men while we were still together, or just setting that up, but she was definitely working towards it, if nothing else. And with completely inappropriate people. She liked to get into extremely graphic sex talk with her best friend's husband, even though it obviously hurt her best friend (as her bf herself admitted when I pointed it out to my ex), she had some weird things going on with her sister's husband (he suspected his wife was being unfaithful and always ran to my ex to discuss and they would also get each other going with sex jokes), she showed me an email from the step-dad of one of her friends, where he told her she was beautiful and he would love to take pictures of her. She asked me for advice, saying she didn't want to be rude, but was creeped out because, after she replied, he switched over to a different email address of his, getting serious about meeting for a "photo shoot". I asked what she had replied. She had basically answered, "My first real photo shoot, eh? Sounds exciting!" And then she acted all surprised to me that he would think she was really game. When I think of it now, I CAN'T BELIEVE I gave ANY credence to her innocent routine. I told her she wasn't that naive (least naive girl I've ever met!), that she was crazy to reply like that if she wasn't interested ... .but I still somehow came to believe that she was mostly just trying to laugh things off in her reply email and not wanting to sound rude. Now, that's crazy. And I still don't really get why exactly she showed me and what head games she was playing. Again, I'm not sure she knew either. She sometimes admitted she liked when I got upset and set boundaries -- so maybe on some instinctual level she knows she needs to be "parented" and seeks that out. But what a nightmare in a relationship.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

I work with my exBPDgf, and I wonder how many other people in the office she's slept with (both men and women) She can't stand to sleep alone, and must have someone next to her, and I believe that some of these people have become orbiters that she could call on when she's lonely. I once innocently asked if she knew where my manager was, and she replied, ''don't worry, I didn't go down on him'' delivered with a smirk. Later told me that she's slept with all of her male bosses, including one who was married.

Outside of work she boasts on how many rich older business owners have proposed to her, or offered lavish gifts. I believe that she uses sex to seduce and obtain what she wants from people. While we were together she, would deliberately leave expensive jewelry around her apartment. She said they were gifts. Stepping out of the FOG, I realized that this is what she had in store from me. She didn't love me, and I wasn't anymore special then the rest. I was to spoil her with whatever she wanted in exchange she would provide me with sex. I'm so lucky to never have bought her anything expensive, or worst propose to her.

She loved any attention period from anyone with a pulse. Hated when we were out together, and she would be showing cleavage. Men would be staring, smiling, and she would light up when It would upset me. Looking back she would say her body was all mine after we had sex ... .yeah right. She would flirt with waitresses, mirror them, and they would keep coming back to our table gushing. It wasn't just friendly banter. It was a touch, a smile, or just the look in other peoples faces, they were enchanted. I could only imagine what she was like when we I wasn't around.

First time I met her friends, she hit on her best friends boyfriend, right in front of my face. She of course denied it. I suspect she slept with him more then once. Remembered how just before going, he was all she could talk about. I've found out since that her best friend isn't speaking to her. I wonder why?   

Oh yeah, perhaps the biggest red flag I chose to ignore, was opening up a drawer and finding a variety of condoms, and she had an assortment of male grooming products in her shower. Sometimes I wonder how many have passed through.

Rayban,

Sounds like we were dating the same girl    . I am afraid to ask where you are located ... .Yikes.

[WoundedBibi]

Well if there's anything I have learned from all this: no (attempts at) relationships at work.

At least I hope I learned this time around...

[Nuitari]

I think Nuitari makes a good point. I'd only add that I have no problem with casual sex as such. I even recall asking my exBPDgf as things were falling apart, "Why did you take things to such an intense emotional place, why did you become so jealous and possessive, why were you so angry in the end, if all you wanted was to enjoy some time together? Because I could have done that. I thought that's what you wanted at first."

And it really is true. As I said in telling my backstory, my exBPDgf was engaged at the time we started and I thought she just wanted an affair before getting married. After experiencing all the craziness and heartache of this relationship, I've reached a point where I would never help someone cheat again. In hindsight, I'm not proud of having done so and I feel for my ex's ex-fiancé. But in terms of my own relationship with my ex, what's so hard to make sense of is how she could get so angry and jealous and possessive, when she's incapable of being faithful herself. It COULD have been just a fun relationship between two people, who also laughed a lot together, enjoyed each other's company, and wished each other well in life. SHE is the one who brought "all this relationship stuff" into the mix, and in the most toxic way possible. So not only did we lose any chance at either a fun or serious relationship, but we went through hell to finally reach the end. That's what makes my head spin.

At the end of the day, I can only conclude that she's not able to think through for herself what she wants. When she saw she was losing me, she almost went out of her mind with grief and fear and longing. But the second she would feel more secure, she would go back to craving the attention of every man she crossed. It was hopeless.

My experience was much the same as yours. My ex was married.  She was supposedly going to leave her husband for me, but it never happened. She used to go on and on about how I was the only man she ever really loved, how she only wanted to be with me, etc. But her actions told a different story and, looking back, its clear to me that all she really needed was a substitute for her husband while he was away for six months. She initiated the relationship. The fact that she did this while her husband was away should have been a red flag. I feel like an idiot. At the end of the relationship, she even told me that she wasn't capable of loving anyone in a romantic way. So why all the "I love you" stuff at the beginning? I did have very strong feelings for her, so I'm not sure if even a purely physical relationship would have worked but, looking back, it would much less complicated if there were no feelings involved. The sex memories are actually the only memories that aren't ruined for me. What I can't fathom is, if that's all she wanted, why not just be straight up about it? Why did she have to play with my heart?

[JQ]

Hey Group,

WBB,  I think everyone early in life has to learn that lesson regardless if its with someone with BPD or not, that dating ANYONE at work is never, i repeat NEVER ever is a good idea. When they go bad, work becomes awkward to say the least and if it's complicated with BPD, then ... .well ... .Indeed.com has a lot of jobs     

@Nuitari, I had similar experiences with my 2nd exBPDgf, "I've never met anyone like you, we're soul mates, my soul kissed your soul, I've never loved anyone as much as I love you" etc, etc. etc. I think they get the script at BPDisUS.com ... .ROLMBO    NOW THAT'S FUNNY!   

The Group, Don't try to explain your r/s with your BPD with logic ... .IT'S NEVER GOING TO MAKE SENSE!  You're never going to find closure so let it go ... .really ... .let it go  ... .work on yourself & move forward exploring life & enjoying everyday !

J

[rfriesen]

Nuitari, it's the exact same questions for me. And I also had feelings for my ex from the beginning. We really hit it off. But the way I remember the first months, at least, is they were feelings of "this is such an amazing bonus in my life, what a sweet surprise to have so much fun with someone" ... .all the while knowing it was surely only to last for eight months or so, because (1) my ex was supposed to get married after that, and (2) I was going to be moving away for work around the same time. Instead, my ex began getting intensely emotional about things, seemed to become desperately attached, wanting to know we could still see each other after I moved away, that we'd have a chance to make it work. She did call off her wedding and move to her own place. But then became so insanely jealous and possessive and angry at times, eventually demanding I stop being friends with anyone I've dated, checking my phone, my pockets, my drawers ... .she became so full of hate at times, it makes me shudder to look back on it now. But all the time she was pursuing the attention of other guys herself, and immediately started dating once we were done. So why make life so miserable while we were together? Why be so possessive and jealous while being unfaithful herself? We could have been left with the most beautiful memories of an amazing eight months together. Instead, I still remember great moments, but everything is tainted by the rage and jealousy and deceit that took over the last few months.

[Confused108]

My ex was a total slut. I could not believe what she became. She told me she would sleep with guys she just meet. Then she told me not to worry about it bc it wasn't her it was just her body? Crazy response. Then she would tell me she wanted to have sex then she didn't . Then she told me she didn't like sleeping with any if her exs . Then a few weeks later told me oh some of it was good. I swear you just can't believe the Lord's Prayer outta their lying mouths! I wouldn't touch my ex with a 10 ft pole now.