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Author Topic: Recent Break Up  (Read 643 times)
105044
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1


« on: March 27, 2016, 06:01:50 PM »

Hi all,

So my recent boyfriend and I were dating for almost a year. We became very close and I know I was his first real love. He became very dependent on me and very controlling of me. I was not allowed to visit my friends nor was I allowed to text them or be on my phone when I was with him. He wanted me to quit my college sport and focus some more time on him. I wasnt necessarily trapped in the relationship, but my freedom was definitely limited.

Over the course of a few months he began to get aggressive and violent when he got angry. He began with running away, then began to destroy things in his house, punch doors and walls, ruin the interior of my car, ruin his clothes, etc.

He began therapy but did not go religiously. Eventually, I told him I was not letting him control me anymore and I went to visit my friends. He then used the "Im going to kill myself" card for a few months. I eventually told his parents who did neglect the issue and indefinitely saw me as a baby sitter. One day he had a melt down because I wanted to leave his house which ended with him having a gun to his head and me having to take him to the psych unit of the emergency room. He stayed there for a week and when we came out everything was very great, he was positive and looked much healthier. However, I told him I was going to a friends house and a meltdown began. He came into my house and held a knife to his throat and then pointed it at me when i went to call for help. I told my parents and they got involved and told his parents that we could not see eachother anymore.

A week later we hung out secretly and started to hook up but I could tell it wasnt the same. The last time I saw him we got in a fight where he ended up pinning me to the ground and head butting me Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). He called it off later in the week and I was very accepting of his feelings about the relationship. However he began to insult me and get very angry with me and blocked me on everything and refuses to talk to me. Its been a little over a week since that happened.

He is on prozac for depression and is not diagnosed BPD. However, i went to therapy and ranted about him which then my therapist pulled out the DSM which I was able to confirm that he has 9/9 traits of BPD.

He used to do acid and smoke and while we were dating he stopped. He is now drinking, smoking, doing cocaine and having sex with random girls constantly. I miss him dearly and I want the best for him.

Is it likely that he is going to reach out to me to retry our relationship or is it most likely done? We have always talked about a future together even the week he called it quits. I know he is unstable but I am just so willing to continue to make it work.
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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

JQ
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 731


« Reply #1 on: March 27, 2016, 07:58:48 PM »

hello 105,

Welcome to the group     I'm glad you found us ... .I'm sorry that you've had such a difficult time with your exBPDbf ... .you'e learned in such a short period of time how difficult and challenging it can be.  I'm happy to hear that you've found a therapist that can help you through your thoughts, emotions , anxiety, frustrations with all things BPD.  I would also encourage you to read the references at the top of the page and to the right of the page to help educate you all things BPD -------------------------------->>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

You have a lot on your plate ... .I'm REALLY glad to hear when your exBPDbf threatens suicide that you call for help. Your therapist should of told you that BPD is a VERY serious Cluster B mental illness that has the highest rate of suicide attempts of all mental illness and unfortunately they also have the highest completion rate of suicide.  YOU did the right thing for calling for help.

BPD's have a VERY extreme fear of abandonment and engulfment among other behavior issues as you describe.  You describe rages like hitting things ... .he is deregulating ... .he doesn't know how to control or manage his behavior when confronted with situations that call it. They feel they need to be in control ... .and you described this perfectly. YOU can't force him to go to therapy ... .you can't force him to continue any type of meds ... .it's a futile effort.

You seem to fairly young all things considered ... .You have a lot of work to do ... .

You describe some of the basic behavior of BPD in your short post.   You seen him rage, or throw temper tantrums like a 3 yr old toddler and if you look at past events of his I imagine you can see similar behavior traits of a 3 yr old. That's common ... .you're were going to have to remain the adult in the relationship if you stay ... .not for a couple of months ... .but for the rest of you life.  Just as a 3 yr old will test your limits in the grocery store before you enforce your boundaries of "don't touch" so it will be the same with your BPDw. He feels as if he needs to be in control of any situation and if you step up and try to wrestle "control" from him then you will see that rage of a toddler unleash at you. 

NOTHING about BPD has or WILL makes logical sense to you ... .or anyone of us for that matter.  But you'll learn all of that on your journey  ... .it's why your therapist is so important to you to guide you on your journey of self discovery. You CAN'T change someone with BPD ... .but you can learn about yourself on your journey which is the most important part.  Borderline personality disorder is one of the most contentious of all the personality disorders. Evidence of structural and functional deficit in brain areas central to regulation, attention and self-control, and executive function have been described in BPD. Whatever your intention is you'll need to learn a whole new language of BPD such as gas lighting, splitting, painted black, painted white, triangulation, engulfment, abandonment, invalidation, deregulation, projection, shaming, triggering and the list goes on.

Like most of those on this sight we've come to learn we are a codependent ... .we are the Knight in Amor protecting those who can't protect themselves. We are the Sheriff in the White hat riding in to save the day. We are the perfectionist who work so very hard to make things right so that we can live a happy life ... .because if everything is right with our BPD s/o ... .then there will be no reason to rage ... .there will be no reason for Mr. Hyde to come out.  The good news is ... .that once we're self aware of  our behavior we can learn and adjust it ... .to take care of ourselves and our needs. You'll learn about the 51% rule ... .it's ok to give of yourself to someone else ... .but you should keep 51% of your energy to making yourself happy in life. If your giving more the 51% of yourself in any relationship ... .eventually you'll run out of energy ... .you'll be tired ... .exhausted ... .you've given everything you have ... .mind, body & soul ... .and it's hard to recover from.  Someone will be here to hold out a hand to help you up ... .and dust you off ... .straighten you up ... .now it's up to you to continue your journey ... .we can't and won't tell you what to do ... .but we will support you in whatever direction you want to go. 

I just want to give you some additional information on what BPD is defined as ... .you might already have this information ... .

There are numerous studies, universities, professors, Ph.d's, MDs, therapist that have studied this question for decades. BPD is a VERY serious Cluster B mental illness with numerous studies to indicate that is in deed a genetic, physical defects within the brain coupled with environmental conditions that are responsible for BPD. BPD can also be co-diagnosed with other mental / behavioral illnesses such as NPD for example.  There are MD, Ph.d's that are trying to categorize BPD in the Cluster A mental illness category that includes paranoid personality disorder, schizoid personality disorder.

The following is in part a study from Harvard Medical School which indicates an underlying abnormality of the brain structure or function resulting in a significant disability.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a severe mental illness seen in approximately 20% of inpatient and outpatient clinical samples and between 1.2% and 5.9% of the general population and can co-occur with other disorders.

BPD is believed to emerge from an interaction between genes and environment. The major twin study showed that genes accounted for 69% of the variance in diagnostic concordance. This concordance rate is similar to that found in bipolar disorder and stronger than rates for depression or anxiety. Functional MRI studies of BPD patients show abnormalities in the amygdala (an almond-sized and shaped brain structure linked with a person's mental and emotional state) and the prefrontal cortex (a part of the brain associated with planning, reasoning, solving problems and regulating thoughts, feelings and behaviors). A major BPD twin study showed that genes accounted for 69% of the variance in BPD.

A core feature of BPD is self-destructive behavior, including bingeing and purging, substance abuse, risky sexual behavior, reckless driving and spending, and self-injury. In the short term, these behaviors attempt to regulate out-of-control emotions, but the interpersonal consequences further impair troubled relationships. You describe events like these King ... .

Recent data link BPD to both structural and physiological brain abnormalities. Volumetric studies using MRI consistently show decreased volumes in the hippocampus and amygdala of persons with BPD. Functional MRI studies using standardized tests have demonstrated differences in brain areas and functioning between people with BPD and controls. Using evoked emotional response, MRI differentiated BPD from controls with differences appearing in the amygdala, anterior cingulate and prefrontal cortex. This research suggests that both the affective instability and the interpersonal hypersensitivity seen in BPD have their roots in the sensitivity of the brain's amygdala to negative emotions.  In the face of this increased amygdalae activation, persons with BPD demonstrate impaired self-regulatory function in the prefrontal cortex.

The findings from psychopharmacologic and other biologic treatment data, coupled with associated brain functioning findings, indicate that BPD is a biologically based disorder.  Based on this analysis, including BPD in the Massachusetts Parity Law as a "biologically-based disorder" is well founded.


There are several types of treatments that have several levels of "success" ... .success measured as limited MANAGEMENT of behavior from a chronic mental illness.  This study among others would indicate there is no full recovery or "cure" to indicate that they get better.  Example, my exBPDgf (age north of 50) has seen Ph.d's, clinical physiologist & therapist off & on for more then 25 years. She continues to have severe behavioral conditions that include impulse control issues, risky sexual behavior, alcohol abuse, reckless spending, self-injury, personal relationship trouble with multiple boyfriends, 2 ex-husbands and other BPD behavior that we've all read about.  She's been on several different meds in addition to Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) focuses on the concept of mindfulness, or paying attention to the present emotion. Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) can help people with BPD recognize and change both their beliefs and the ways they act that reflect inaccurate or negative opinions of themselves and others. Mentalization-based therapy (MBT) is a talk therapy that helps people identify and understand what others might be thinking and feeling.  Transference-focused therapy (TFP) is designed to help patients understand their emotions and interpersonal problems through the relationship between the patient and therapist in addition to mood stabilizers, anti-represents, anti-anxiety meds.

From the Mayo Clinic ... .

Cluster B personality disorders are characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behavior. They include antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder. It's not necessary to exhibit all the signs and symptoms listed for a disorder to be diagnosed.

From John Hopkins Medical School ... .

Borderline personality disorder. People with this disorder are not stable in their perceptions of themselves, and have difficulty keeping stable relationships. Moods may also be inconsistent, but never neutral. Their sense of reality is always seen in "black and white." People with borderline personality disorder often feel as though they lacked a certain level of nurturing while growing up. As a result, they constantly seek a higher level of caretaking from others as adults. This may be achieved through manipulation of others, leaving them often feeling empty, angry, and abandoned, which may lead to desperate and impulsive behavior.

This is just the beginning of learning about BPD ... .I know it might seem like a lot at first ... .but you need to know the facts so you can make sound choices based on those facts and not speculation or guessing what he's thinking ... .or if I do this ... .will he do that ... .it's not how it works ... .

so come back here as often as you need to ... .as often as you WANT too ... .someone will always be here to give you some guidance and help YOU think through the things and choices YOU need to make.

JQ
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livednlearned
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 12731



« Reply #2 on: March 27, 2016, 08:32:32 PM »

Is it likely that he is going to reach out to me to retry our relationship or is it most likely done? We have always talked about a future together even the week he called it quits. I know he is unstable but I am just so willing to continue to make it work.

Hi 105,

Welcome and hello  Smiling (click to insert in post)

It's hard to predict how someone will react, though past actions can often give us some clues.

He seemed to be testing boundaries and you wisely countered with healthy boundaries (taking him to the psych unit when he held a gun to his head, insisting on seeing friends, calling for help when he became violent, etc.). He has very intense emotions and his coping mechanisms are not great -- often, we make decisions to avoid conflict because that seems to temporarily make things go smoothly. Eventually, we can become former shells of ourselves if we don't maintain healthy boundaries.

There are communication skills that can mitigate some of the behaviors, and through it all, we have to hold ourselves to very consistent boundaries. He has to know that if he threatens suicide or is violent with you, that you will protect yourself and him 100% of the time, no exceptions. He may not like these boundaries, and he also needs you to have them.

I like that you were firm about maintaining your friendships. People with BPD tend to have extreme rejection sensitivity and abandonment fears. This can mean communicating in different ways while upholding boundaries. For example, you might tell him far in advance about your plans, and then bring it up in a reassuring way, more so than you might in a relationship with someone who does not have BPD. "Tomorrow I'll be seeing my friend Z from 5-7pm, and when I'm done, I'll be home and we can spend time together. I won't be checking my phone, though I will text you when I leave the  restaurant so you know when I'm headed home. What would you like to do when we get together?" He may need to be reminded of the plans in advance, then again, and maybe once more. His anxiety probably feels compulsive, and difficult to manage. It can help to communicate in ways that meet him halfway without you giving an inch on your own healthy boundaries.

Glad you found the site and I hope you'll let us know how you're doing  

LnL
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cherryblossom
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 341



« Reply #3 on: March 28, 2016, 01:09:34 PM »

Can i just add that studies used in mh research showing brain abnormalities do so as most mh conditions develop from childhood trauma / abuse which does have have an impact on brain pathways/structuring however our brains are very plastic and able to make change which is why stroke rehab is so successful even in older adults. The brain is still developing up to age 25 so changes can take place
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cherryblossom
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #4 on: March 28, 2016, 01:11:23 PM »

Easier and why studies on brains after engaging in meditation show change - and mindfulness is key part of BPD recovery - as with all research you have to be mindful who is funding the resealrch and is it to further the medical model of psychiatry
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cherryblossom
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 341



« Reply #5 on: March 28, 2016, 01:11:58 PM »

Sorry using mobile
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cherryblossom
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #6 on: March 28, 2016, 01:15:15 PM »

I think it's down to personal motivation by person with condition and everything is on spectrum - he does sound like he is on more serious end
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