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Author Topic: I'm so angry with myself and with her - Venting here so I dont do it on her..  (Read 394 times)
GGG

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 14


« on: March 29, 2016, 05:44:28 PM »

My uBPDexgf broke up with me the 12th of January, after 10 days of being off meds for her depression. The relationship had it's ups and downs and I accept my share of responsibility but I tried to get better while she never did.

When she broke up with me I had just lost my job a month ago and was in a deep hole as my alcoholic mom had just been in the hospital with liber failure.

The fight that led to the breakup came when I saw her talking to an ex boyfriend who in her own words "was the only man who ever left her". Before the fight, I had told her that I saw the messages and she promised he was the past.

After 3 months trying to get my head together and make a step to rebuild the relationship in some way, I found she is sleeping and pretty much in love with the dude who "left her" 3 years ago. She denies it but I managed to find out anyway. With my own eyes, 3 days after I brought her flowers, chocolate and a very exclusive coffee that she loves, presents which she accepted gracefully after rejecting my invitation for dinner and repeating that she wants to be alone.

I have lost my dignity, all my values, any boundary and self respect trying to get her back.

I've been homeless since she broke up with me. Going around with my bag of clothes, trying to get a job. I ended up living 100KM away from my hometown, with my grandfather and my alcoholic mother, in one of the worst times of my life. Thinking about what I did wrong, and how I could fix it. In the meantime I missed my exams cause I was so messed up and in so much pain that I could not focus in nothing else.

I've had a rough life, and the breakup helped me realise how screwed up I am. How much harm the relationship with my mother has done to me and I managed to quit weed after 15 years self-medicating for my ADHD and with the approval of my psychiatrist, because my ex didn't like that I smoked.

During this 3 months I had nothing else in my mind that all the breakup situation, cause I could not understand what the hell happened. She gave me no solid explanation. In the last 3 months of relationship we had 3 fights. Some of the things she said where not even true. Manipulated memories, and came up with stuff that happened more than a year ago. She told me the day of the breakup that she wanted a break.

The first weeks after it, I was in weed withdrawal and every time I would try to talk about it with her she would attack me and disrespect me. I never attacked back cause I avoid confrontation, cause she always gets even angrier and felt personally attacked. Then she told a friend of ours that I was not brave enough to confront her.

Realising that she lied all along and that she's back with the person who treated her so badly, and who helped create the breakup, and lying about it makes me SO angry, so betrayed, and so disappointed. I wonder what the hell has my 2 years with her meant to her.

I screwed my chances of working at google in two interviews because I was so overload with my freelancing jobs to bring money home and prove her I could provide as we had spoken about having a kid together that I barely slept for months.

Since some days ago I'm in emotional lockdown, I can't feel anything. I'm emotionally disabled and I feel at some point I'll be angry like I have not been in ages.

I cried once. Cried like if my most beloved person died. My therapist told me that my way of crying was not normal and that we have to dig on that. I just think I never loved someone like I loved her and now I don't know where she is and who is this person who keeps talking so much bad about me.

I miss talking to her, I miss our friendship, doing things together. Listening to her, enjoying her brain and our good times. But she says that her memories of the relationship are just a blurry bad dream and that she never thinks of me.

I know I am able to live without her, but its an empty life. I don't feel able to love again.

I did so many things wrong. But I think I never got help from her. I left her alone sometimes cause I could not communicate with her. I messed up, I didn't value her enough and took things for granted. I thought she would try to create a healthy dynamic, but I only started realising about her disorder when seeking closure in internet, as she would not give me one, and I was raised by an alcoholic mother so I basically have been alone my whole life. I'm fixing all that now but I lost her already.

I start to wonder if I'm NPD or BPD or maybe both. I also know I got codependency issues and I work on them, but since my emotional lockdown I feel rather a stone .

The last time we spoke, she told me she knew I was codependent all along, but she never told me before. It's upsetting.

I try to hide in my college assignments, maths always give me relieve and I'm starting to be able to focus. I think I have a long and very dark journey ahead.

My friends tell me I have no right to be upset with her because of her lies and the way she treated me. What do u think?




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C.Stein
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2360



« Reply #1 on: March 30, 2016, 09:59:19 AM »

My friends tell me I have no right to be upset with her because of her lies and the way she treated me. What do u think?

Did you mean you have every right to be upset with her?  You do have every right.  Her actions are not your responsibility.  Own what is yours to own.
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sweet tooth
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 781



« Reply #2 on: March 31, 2016, 09:06:20 PM »

Dude, you have every right to be furious. She messed with your emotions, damaged your self esteem, betrayed you, etc.

Personally, I think that it's very good that you have looked at the situation and took the appropriate responsibility in your part. That is very healthy and mature.

I'm sure that the last two years weren't meaningless for her. She's a person with a severe mental illness. It impairs her judgement. I'malso certain that you mean a lot to her, she just doesn't have the ability to show it in a healthy way. It's tragic, I know. Let me know if there is anything that I can do to help you cope.
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