The more I read about it

[Tomacini]

Well, the more I read, the more stuff comes popping up in my mind.

Like I just read about their extreme need of validation and that they cant handle rejection (even imagined).

I'll give an example: days before she broke up with me we were lying in bed trying to 'perform' but I was really drunk and it took a bit longer than normal. So I just said: baby, this isnt going to work tonight. Immediately she said: don't you think I'm pretty anymore? Do you find me unattractive? I said of course not and went to sleep.

I didnt realise it at the moment because it was so trivial to me but this must have been a major rejection and lack of validation for her. Especially because one of the previous times when everything went smooth in bed, she said: ah now I know at least you arent cheating.

We as nons are sometimes totally unaware whats going on in their heads. Mind you, the above is just an assumption

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[livednlearned]

It's a good observation, Tomacini.

Whether BPD or not, the situation you describe would take a lot of emotional maturity for a woman to process.

How did your GF respond?

What would you do differently knowing what you now know about validation?

[Tomacini]

Well, the morning after she went cold on me. Hardly any contact anymore... .we got into an argument and she gives me once again the speech: we shoukd just stop trying, it's just not working between us. Havent heard from her since (2 weeks). After 1 week she goes on a date with a guy (probably to get even with me because she sure thinks i'm cheating on her). Couple that with the fact that she found a conversation of me with a girl i went on a date with (when i was really fed up with her beahviour) and kaboom, it all makes sense.

How would i react now? I would say: look i had too much to drink,nthats why its not going as fast as normal. It has nothing to do with you, don't worry, i still think you're beautiful

[livednlearned]

I would say: look i had too much to drink,nthats why its not going as fast as normal. It has nothing to do with you, don't worry, i still think you're beautiful

That might be a response that works for some women who have emotional maturity. It's not quite validation, though.

Validation means acknowledging and accepting that her feelings are real. What you're describing could actually be considered invalidating because it tells her the feelings she has are wrong. Meaning, in your mind, what is important is what you think, not what she feels.

So, validation might be something like, ":)o you feel unattractive to me?" It might mean holding her close, and comforting her as she tells you how she feels, how what just happened makes her feel. Give her a moment or two to express those feelings and bear witness so to speak. If you jump in with "Here's what I think: I think your feelings are not warranted" in any number of ways (all good intentioned), she is going to hear the same message, that you think her feelings are wrong.

And to pwBPD, feelings = facts. If you move too quickly to defending the facts, then you start to justify, explain, defend, argue (JADE) and boom, you're in a circular argument.

[Tomacini]

Interesting, thanks for that explanation.

What exactly do you mean by feelings=facts? Whatever they feel they take it as being real?

Or is it soemthing like: our relationship isnt that bad but i'm feeling bad so our relationship must be bad?

[livednlearned]

What exactly do you mean by feelings=facts? Whatever they feel they take it as being real?

Others may have different definitions on this -- the way I interpret it, feelings = facts means that feelings fuel reality. People who are not BPD do this too, more often in times of crisis when we're likely to be flooded in feelings. When the feelings subside, however, we may see different perspectives and can put ourselves in someone else's shoes. We may see that we *over reacted* or were tired, or angry, or upset, or hungry, so ________ happened.

For someone with BPD, these feelings are triggered or aroused more often, and it takes a long time to return to baseline. While it's happening, the feelings are real, nothing else. Validation helps to mitigate the escalation.

Or is it soemthing like: our relationship isnt that bad but i'm feeling bad so our relationship must be bad?

It's more primal than that, in many ways, though that's the general gist. She is probably not thinking big picture like that when she feels invalidated. It's "he checked his phone when he answered me, and didn't look at me, therefore he rejected me."

She has higher than average needs for validation, and lower than average ability to give validation, so much of the validation work will fall to BPD caregivers.