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MapleBob
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« on: April 04, 2016, 05:28:38 PM »

So I broke NC of three months over the weekend in an attempt to reengage my uBPDex. She replied politely, and said that she wasn't interested (adding "it's much easier this way", which is probably true). I did this in part because I wanted to, and in part because I have felt myself starting to reach the threshold of actually detaching, and actually letting go, irrevocably. I needed a little final push to know that it's time to stop waiting and start moving, and to be told that, essentially, this isn't just the silent treatment anymore.

The last part of letting go really sucks! I'm not angry or shocked anymore, I've put the puzzle pieces together and can separate my part from hers, and I know the path forward ... .but it's saaaaaad. I'm grieving today, in a way that I've staved off with hope/strategy/patience/rumination for over a year now - a hope that I just can't summon up or invest in anymore.

So to any of you board members who are in any stages of detaching: just know that it takes some time, and that the sad day does come when you'll turn the corner off the path of obsession, FOG, and spinning your wheels.
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« Reply #1 on: April 04, 2016, 06:52:42 PM »

Letting go is so hard, good job on being able to go no contact for three months.  I tried and only made it one month. It's hard when you actually feel yourself detaching like you said. It's almost as if your body is addicted to it and once you're weaning off your body wants more
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« Reply #2 on: April 04, 2016, 07:30:48 PM »

I just want you to know that your sadness is part of the grieving process and, as they say, the only way out is through. But when you begin detaching - truly detaching -  you won't feel sad, you'll feel free.  
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MapleBob
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« Reply #3 on: April 04, 2016, 10:11:27 PM »

Letting go is so hard, good job on being able to go no contact for three months.  I tried and only made it one month. It's hard when you actually feel yourself detaching like you said. It's almost as if your body is addicted to it and once you're weaning off your body wants more

It is! I've felt desperate and anxious and longing and fear and discomfort and anger and all sorts of feelings since we broke up, but this part feels really physical. More like the grief is coming out. Kind of a clenching feeling.  
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JQ
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« Reply #4 on: April 04, 2016, 11:34:19 PM »

MapleBob,

As I've experienced myself and have expressed to others in these forums, there will come a moment in time when you know that it's time to finally let go. To move forward in your life, but taking the ALL the lessons that you've learned on this journey of yours.  You've come out on the other side, a little bruised, a little tired, but a WHOLE lot wiser in life & in love!

Everyone has their own unknown schedule to accept things, "The 5 Stages of Acceptance". You my friend have reached the 5th and final stage, Acceptance.  It's been a hell of a journey for you, but know that you made it and you're alive and well!

Now continue your journey, your life story and begin the next chapter of it. Make it a good one 

J
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WoundedBibi
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« Reply #5 on: April 05, 2016, 09:42:58 AM »

So I broke NC of three months over the weekend in an attempt to reengage my uBPDex. She replied politely, and said that she wasn't interested (adding "it's much easier this way", which is probably true). I did this in part because I wanted to, and in part because I have felt myself starting to reach the threshold of actually detaching, and actually letting go, irrevocably. I needed a little final push to know that it's time to stop waiting and start moving, and to be told that, essentially, this isn't just the silent treatment anymore.

The last part of letting go really sucks! I'm not angry or shocked anymore, I've put the puzzle pieces together and can separate my part from hers, and I know the path forward ... .but it's saaaaaad. I'm grieving today, in a way that I've staved off with hope/strategy/patience/rumination for over a year now - a hope that I just can't summon up or invest in anymore.

So to any of you board members who are in any stages of detaching: just know that it takes some time, and that the sad day does come when you'll turn the corner off the path of obsession, FOG, and spinning your wheels.

To be honest, I thought your initial reaction was a bit too... .simple, for want of a better word.

First you got yourself all worked up about contacting her, obviously to reconnect, obviously because you still had hope you would get back together, otherwise you wouldn't have felt the need to do it. And when she said "no thanks" your reaction simply put was "oh well, to be expected, her loss".

If you expected it, REALLY expected it, you wouldn't have contacted her. If you KNEW the answer would be no, you would not have tried. So you did not really expect it. You did have hope. And when you have hope "oh well" obviously doesn't cover how you really feel about her saying no.

I think it's good your sadness is finally coming out. It hurts, yes. But however clenching it now feels it will be cleansing. You need to feel this to be able to move on.
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MapleBob
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« Reply #6 on: April 05, 2016, 09:58:52 AM »

So I broke NC of three months over the weekend in an attempt to reengage my uBPDex. She replied politely, and said that she wasn't interested (adding "it's much easier this way", which is probably true). I did this in part because I wanted to, and in part because I have felt myself starting to reach the threshold of actually detaching, and actually letting go, irrevocably. I needed a little final push to know that it's time to stop waiting and start moving, and to be told that, essentially, this isn't just the silent treatment anymore.

The last part of letting go really sucks! I'm not angry or shocked anymore, I've put the puzzle pieces together and can separate my part from hers, and I know the path forward ... .but it's saaaaaad. I'm grieving today, in a way that I've staved off with hope/strategy/patience/rumination for over a year now - a hope that I just can't summon up or invest in anymore.

So to any of you board members who are in any stages of detaching: just know that it takes some time, and that the sad day does come when you'll turn the corner off the path of obsession, FOG, and spinning your wheels.

To be honest, I thought your initial reaction was a bit too... .simple, for want of a better word.

First you got yourself all worked up about contacting her, obviously to reconnect, obviously because you still had hope you would get back together, otherwise you wouldn't have felt the need to do it. And when she said "no thanks" your reaction simply put was "oh well, to be expected, her loss".

If you expected it, REALLY expected it, you wouldn't have contacted her. If you KNEW the answer would be no, you would not have tried. So you did not really expect it. You did have hope. And when you have hope "oh well" obviously doesn't cover how you really feel about her saying no.

I had a speck of hope, sure. Having not spoken with her in three months, I didn't know if things had shifted on her side, or to what extent, or in what direction. The "oh well" was me being prepared to hear the same thing I've heard from her: pretty much nothing. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but to be morbid for a second: it's like the part of grieving where you have to go see the body for it to become real for you.
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JQ
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« Reply #7 on: April 05, 2016, 10:39:49 AM »

MapleBob,

We NON's are the eternal optimist and I completely understand where you're coming from. It's "natural" for a NON to do what you did and I appreciate your analogy.  Letting go of your BPD relationship as you described is VERY much like a death of a loved one.  Some people in this world have to see the body in the casket for it to be real. I look at the people across the world who lost loved ones on the Indonesia flight that still hasn't been found yet. They still won't believe their loved one has perished in the plane crash until they see the body. The sad truth is that they might not ever be able to close this chapter in their life and will forever grieve instead of moving on and living their own life.

I commend you for your actions and understand why you did what you did. Yes we all hope that there is a micro spot of hope that our BPD will come back but when we hear those words and know in our heart, our mind it's over we can finally move forward. We can finally let go and live & explore our life as you should.

NO one can tell you how long to grieve or how to grieve. But you reached that point where the sunrise is a little brighter, the birds singing is a little bit louder and your ready to move on. It's spring my friend ... .the birth of new life after a cold dark winter. It's time to live! It's time to explore & enjoy life!

J
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Fr4nz
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« Reply #8 on: April 05, 2016, 11:16:16 AM »

MapleBob,

As I've experienced myself and have expressed to others in these forums, there will come a moment in time when you know that it's time to finally let go. To move forward in your life, but taking the ALL the lessons that you've learned on this journey of yours.  You've come out on the other side, a little bruised, a little tired, but a WHOLE lot wiser in life & in love~!

So-unbelievably-true!
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MapleBob
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« Reply #9 on: April 05, 2016, 12:26:51 PM »

We NON's are the eternal optimist and I completely understand where you're coming from. It's "natural" for a NON to do what you did and I appreciate your analogy.  Letting go of your BPD relationship as you described is VERY much like a death of a loved one. 

NO one can tell you how long to grieve or how to grieve. But you reached that point where the sunrise is a little brighter, the birds singing is a little bit louder and your ready to move on. It's spring my friend ... .the birth of new life after a cold dark winter. It's time to live~! It's time to explore & enjoy life~!

Thanks, J! I've been through this process in one other relationship (with an ACoA/maybe-bipolar-or-BPD), so I do know what this part looks like. I didn't want to end up here with this more recent one, but that's how it goes. I can partially tell that I'm there because I've been there, and this part feels familiar.

As much as I miss/love/care about her, and as much as it makes me really sad and I know (for me) that it could have turned out differently, I want to start moving forward and ditch the anxiety over this.
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Lifewriter16
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« Reply #10 on: April 05, 2016, 12:44:38 PM »

Hi MapleBob,

I really understand the need to reconnect just at the threshold of letting go for good. I felt exactly the same thing a couple of weeks ago. I was grieving heavily and couldn't imagine forever without him. I ended up recycling, though it was brief and ended very rapidly.

I guess the reality is that neither of us are quite at the point of acceptance, but we're both getting there.  I feel like I manage to manoeuvre one hurdle of letting go at a time. Each is a victory of its own and each contributes to final acceptance. I make gradual progress, but it's not linear progress. Ultimately, if we are unable to bump into our exes without being triggered, without yearning for them and without being able to walk away, we're not yet healed... .

Love Lifewriter
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WoundedBibi
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« Reply #11 on: April 05, 2016, 01:09:03 PM »

So I broke NC of three months over the weekend in an attempt to reengage my uBPDex. She replied politely, and said that she wasn't interested (adding "it's much easier this way", which is probably true). I did this in part because I wanted to, and in part because I have felt myself starting to reach the threshold of actually detaching, and actually letting go, irrevocably. I needed a little final push to know that it's time to stop waiting and start moving, and to be told that, essentially, this isn't just the silent treatment anymore.

The last part of letting go really sucks! I'm not angry or shocked anymore, I've put the puzzle pieces together and can separate my part from hers, and I know the path forward ... .but it's saaaaaad. I'm grieving today, in a way that I've staved off with hope/strategy/patience/rumination for over a year now - a hope that I just can't summon up or invest in anymore.

So to any of you board members who are in any stages of detaching: just know that it takes some time, and that the sad day does come when you'll turn the corner off the path of obsession, FOG, and spinning your wheels.

To be honest, I thought your initial reaction was a bit too... .simple, for want of a better word.

First you got yourself all worked up about contacting her, obviously to reconnect, obviously because you still had hope you would get back together, otherwise you wouldn't have felt the need to do it. And when she said "no thanks" your reaction simply put was "oh well, to be expected, her loss".

If you expected it, REALLY expected it, you wouldn't have contacted her. If you KNEW the answer would be no, you would not have tried. So you did not really expect it. You did have hope. And when you have hope "oh well" obviously doesn't cover how you really feel about her saying no.

I had a speck of hope, sure. Having not spoken with her in three months, I didn't know if things had shifted on her side, or to what extent, or in what direction. The "oh well" was me being prepared to hear the same thing I've heard from her: pretty much nothing. It wasn't what I wanted to hear, but to be morbid for a second: it's like the part of grieving where you have to go see the body for it to become real for you.

Having to see the body I understand; I literally needed that when my mum died.

But my point wasn't "why on earth did you need to know from her it was over?" my point was that your reaction to her no, "oh well", seemed way too subdued, too "ok, no problem" for someone who obviously was still hoping to get back together. What you are describing in this thread seems to be way more what you are REALLY feeling about her no. You're getting to your real feelings of grief. And they hurt like hell, I know... But it is better to feel them, to cleanse, and not to suppress them, which what you seemed to be doing initially.
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flourdust
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« Reply #12 on: April 05, 2016, 01:33:28 PM »

This stage will take time, MapleBob. Don't try to declare yourself "done."

You'll know when you have truly let go when you no longer feel grief, regret, sadness, longing, or anything else. When you think about your ex and you feel nothing ... .then you'll have let go.

But this can take months or years. It's OK. Let it happen. The best thing you can do for yourself is to accept your feelings but not act on them. Like other wounds, it will heal given enough time (and if you avoid picking at it or reopening it!).
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MapleBob
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« Reply #13 on: April 05, 2016, 02:28:51 PM »

@WoundedBibi

You're right, this thread IS more about how I actually feel. But my initial reaction *was* actually fairly subdued, and I was surprised about that. The best metaphor I can come up with is applying for a job or promotion and finding out that you didn't get it (one that maybe you didn't entirely want in the first place). You're disappointed and you do feel rejected, but it's kind of a relief to *know*, and to stop waiting around to hear about it.

@flourdust

Yeah, I'd be a wreck if she showed up or I ran into her - good thing she lives 5-6 hours away in another country!

All joking aside, yeah, it still hurts, and I'm still giving my feelings time and space. They're just less stabbing/anticipatory at this stage, which is nice. I feel clearer.
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lunchbox123
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« Reply #14 on: April 05, 2016, 02:44:11 PM »

I know the feeling, have something similar right now.

I know I don't want a future with my exBPDgf, I'm happy we're not together anymore and I cringe at the idea of having to deal with her crap for the rest of my life if we were still together. But I want to her to say it too, I want her to admit that we're over.

She's sorta seeing someone else but we still have the occasional contact. She'll reach out and say she misses me or something. We'll have a nice chat and ends up saying that she does want to be with me and work on our differences. That she has a hard time when we're not talking and will start to cry. Then I tell her it's all or nothing but she refuses to make a choice, no matter what I say or do, she does not want to chose. It's like she wants to remain the one being "broken up with". It leaves me making the choice to stop but it give me no closure. In the end this cycle keeps happening and it's been like this for a few months, things will change today. All the lose ends have been wrapped up and there is no longer any reason for the "coincidental" communication to happen.

I suppose closure is overrated but it's difficult to deal with, especially when she acts vulnerable. NC is the way forward.
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WoundedBibi
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« Reply #15 on: April 05, 2016, 03:08:23 PM »

I know the feeling, have something similar right now.

I know I don't want a future with my exBPDgf, I'm happy we're not together anymore and I cringe at the idea of having to deal with her crap for the rest of my life if we were still together. But I want to her to say it too, I want her to admit that we're over.

She's sorta seeing someone else but we still have the occasional contact. She'll reach out and say she misses me or something. We'll have a nice chat and ends up saying that she does want to be with me and work on our differences. That she has a hard time when we're not talking and will start to cry. Then I tell her it's all or nothing but she refuses to make a choice, no matter what I say or do, she does not want to chose. It's like she wants to remain the one being "broken up with". It leaves me making the choice to stop but it give me no closure. In the end this cycle keeps happening and it's been like this for a few months, things will change today. All the lose ends have been wrapped up and there is no longer any reason for the "coincidental" communication to happen.

I suppose closure is overrated but it's difficult to deal with, especially when she acts vulnerable. NC is the way forward.

Why are you giving her all this power? Why does she need to give you closure? Most pwBPD will never give us closure. We need to give ourselves closure. If you decide it's over, it's over. Why does it need to be a mutual decision? A relationship is between 2 people so if 1 doesn't want to be in it anymore, there is no relationship. Have you never broken up with someone who didn't agree but you still walked away? Why should this be any different?

You are writing you don't want to be with her but you tell her it's all or nothing. If you don't want to be with her, why are you telling her the door is still open if only she chooses 'all'?

Closure is not overrated but you're expecting it from the wrong person.
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Feelinstronger

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« Reply #16 on: April 06, 2016, 04:01:06 PM »

MapleBob, I sure find these threads a comfort.  I am so sorry for the loss you are going through, but reading your posts has made me feel less alone.  I have had NC for 3 months and its been awful.  It has taken all my strength, as I see my ex around town and at church constantly!  It hurts so much but I have forced myself. 

Take care of yourself and I hope you continue to heal and that you find true peace and solace!
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MapleBob
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« Reply #17 on: April 07, 2016, 08:28:39 AM »

MapleBob, I sure find these threads a comfort.  I am so sorry for the loss you are going through, but reading your posts has made me feel less alone.  I have had NC for 3 months and its been awful.  It has taken all my strength, as I see my ex around town and at church constantly!  It hurts so much but I have forced myself. 

Take care of yourself and I hope you continue to heal and that you find true peace and solace!

Oh you're not alone, not at all!

Of course, I had a dream about her last night. A vague one, but I woke up knowing that she was in there. I can't imagine how hard it would be seeing her in person.
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« Reply #18 on: April 07, 2016, 12:08:48 PM »

So I broke NC of three months over the weekend in an attempt to reengage my uBPDex. She replied politely, and said that she wasn't interested (adding "it's much easier this way", which is probably true). I did this in part because I wanted to, and in part because I have felt myself starting to reach the threshold of actually detaching, and actually letting go, irrevocably. I needed a little final push to know that it's time to stop waiting and start moving, and to be told that, essentially, this isn't just the silent treatment anymore.

The last part of letting go really sucks! I'm not angry or shocked anymore, I've put the puzzle pieces together and can separate my part from hers, and I know the path forward ... .but it's saaaaaad. I'm grieving today, in a way that I've staved off with hope/strategy/patience/rumination for over a year now - a hope that I just can't summon up or invest in anymore.

So to any of you board members who are in any stages of detaching: just know that it takes some time, and that the sad day does come when you'll turn the corner off the path of obsession, FOG, and spinning your wheels.

WOW I feel like the rumination and obsession and wheels will NEVER stop! I work with my ex pwBPD and I thought I was doing ok at times and the entire week and last weekend I've been doing very bad. Massive anxiety and obsession. I KNOW I don't want to go back so I don't know why this is happening and I'm trying all sorts of things to make it stop, to try and get perspective. I feel like I have perspective, but the thoughts and anxiety and bad just isn't stopping!
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