It makes me wonder

[blackbirdsong]

Today I really feel like a 'used tire'. I know we always say it is not really important whether it was toxic love or not in our relationship, we experienced it as love and it was real to us.

Just before I left my dBPDexGF, she told me something that makes me wonder:

- She said that she didn't spent a lot of time in her life alone (meaning - being single)

So my ego is a bit wounded right now. I mean even at the end she claimed that she loves me and that she she already taught that she cannot be in love with someone, the only time before she experienced love was with her first boyfriend many years ago. True or not? Who knows... .I believe she really meant that in that moment. She repeated this even after NC break two months after. Today, after several months? Probably not. Again, my ego would like to know, but what is the point, right?

But this statement, that she cannot be alone, which is common BPD trait, so I assume we all here can recognize this,is something that bothers me.

I mean, when you hear something like this, it is really a hurtful thing, at least for me. It seems like I am just a guy who was passing by, at the right (or wrong from this perspective) moment, and regardless of my personal values, I was OK at the first look.

You know, like: "OK, you can serve the purpose of me not being alone". It really devaluates my feelings. I really felt something for her. Still do.

And at the end, when I broke NC, when I have learned a lot about BPD, when I finally realized the main purpose of all irrational actions and behaviors in our r/s, I broke the NC rule to apologize to her. For not validating her feelings. And it was a honest apology, I still think of this in that way, we were just two broken people in this r/s.

But again, I am maybe looking from her something that she cannot give me in this moment, because it is too hurtful for her to comprehend all her behaviors, I think it is some kind of defense mechanism, survival technique, but I cannot get rid of that feeling. Feeling of devaluation for just filling the gap... .For her to not be alone... .

Anyone else experienced that feeling?

[Nuitari]

My ex told me the exact same thing, that she couldn't be alone, that she can't not be in a relationship. And yes, I had the same feeling you did. But like so many disturbing things she told me, I somehow shoved it out of my mind and tried to rationalize it all way and make excuses for her comments. My ex was married. Her husband was in the military and was away. She was supposed to leave him for me (because she was so "in love" with me, never had those kind of feelings before, yadda yadda yadda), but it didn't happen. Its clear to me now that she was feeling lonely while her husband was away, and I was only there to satisfy her temporary needs, because her intense feelings for me rapidly diminished after his return.

What is truly frightening is how gullible I was. Her husband was away, she couldn't stand to be alone, etc. Why couldn't I put it all together and realize what was going on? I feel like an idiot.

[zeus123]

BPDs they look primarily for narcissistic supply in a relationship, they are unable to reciprocate love, they only bandy about the word LOVE but they don't mean it. Every time she meets someone new(BPD trait), she tells him the same things she told you. A BPD is like a vampire she has constantly to feed on new blood. Just try to understand the nature of the beast it will help you to become stronger with your healing process.

[once removed]

hey blackbirdsong 

i feel ya on this one, and it is really tough on a person; it does make you feel used. i think its a bit more complex than that, and your post points to (and accepts) some of those complexities, though im sure it still stings.

as you said yourself, you believe she meant the things that she said at the time, and im confident that that is the case.

the inability to/difficulty with being alone is her limitation, not yours. it does not make you less than. it also does not preclude meaning what she said at the time she said it.

i dont mean to over generalize, but arent all relationships really to serve a purpose? ideally, that purpose is not to soothe us emotionally, or to find ourselves in someone else, but then who hasnt done that? past relationships are there to teach us, to impress something upon us, to grow as a result. partly, to prepare us for future relationships. one could be kind of nihilistic and suggest in that case we are all just using each other, but i dont see it that way. we all meant what we said at the time.

i think this is good, productive processing. youre looking at a hard truth, and exploring how it makes you feel. the ol' post mortem, of which you have probably done many, and will do many more, until you reach the point of acceptance of what it all means to you. just dont lose sight of the complexity of it all.

I really felt something for her. Still do.

this is your truth. hang onto it 

A BPD is like a vampire she has constantly to feed on new blood. Just try to understand the nature of the beast it will help you to become stronger with your healing process.

putting people into the category of "vampire" does not lead to greater understanding or strength.