Could my ex possibly have BPD?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was in a very turbulent two months relationship up until recently. After doing a bit of research online, I came across this forum and read into BPD, and a lot of the various signs that an individual has BPD fits on my ex. If a website states ten signs, she identifies with with a majority of those.

We were both colleagues and friends for about 6 months before we started dating. She was very loving at the beginning of our relationship. We went out on her initiative, she rather quickly invited me to meet her parents etc. On top of that she brought me a lot of small gifts, gave me constant compliments, you get the drift. This far, she seemed like a perfect match. We had great chemestry and I fell in love instantly. Basically she made me feel like no woman has ever make me feel before. But after two weeks, things began changing.

She was looking through my text messages, pictures and basically everything on my phone. She even texted one of my female friends - from my phone - asking her if I had ever had sex with her. Besides from this she generally exhibits jealous behaviour, texting me telling me to 'sleep alone' when I'm out with friends and asking how 'my date went' whenever I'm out with a female friend. To me this screams jealousy.

When I confront her with this behaviour she denies being jealous. Her mother cheated on her father when she was 10 years old, and left him to marry the man she is with today. I am aware that this might be one of the reasons she is behaving the way she is.

Despite from this, she exhibits demaning behaviour to both me and even her own friends behind their backs (she doesn't really have that many, by the way). They see her as a great friend when they confide in her, telling her about their breakups, ups-and-downs in life etc. and all she does is laugh at their misery. As an example of her demeaning behaviour she referred to a few of my female friends as 'b___es' on one occation. I support her in relation to her masters degree, but whenever I have an important exam coming up, all she tells me is that "I am in a hurry to make it before the deadline" (not very supportive in my eyes).

Another thing: She misunderstands my intentions very often. She misinterprets when I give her any constructive and well-meant advice and goes on to pout in a passive-aggressive manner. Once, I let her hand slip out of mine because she was going in another direction that me. She almost reacted as if I had abandoned her because I let her hand go, but in the situation I didn't even think about it - in no way I was looking to abandon her, the only reason I let her hand go, was because we were going in different directions, nothing more. No evil intend behind my action.

Her behaviour drove me away and I wanted to spend less and less time with her because of this. She ended up dumping me recently, claiming that I neglected her.

I feel bad because despite of her bad behavior, she did a lot of nice things for me. While in the relationship I had (and still have) a gut feeling telling me something was horribly wrong. I have never felt this way about a girl before but at the same time, I have never experienced anyone behaving like this.

Her behaviour confused me - she changed between being perfect (caring, buying me gifts, giving compliments, inviting me to meet family etc) and being mean, arguing for no reason, looking through my phone etc.

This has resulted in my having to deal with great amounts of regret and guilt. Almost daily I think to myself that her behaviour would have been different had I only given her more attention, more gifts (like she did to me) etc. It's tearing me apart :'(

What do you think? Could she have BPD?

Please let me know if you need anymore info. Thanks in advance.

[Confusedbf1]

I was in a very turbulent two months relationship up until recently. After doing a bit of research online, I came across this forum and read into BPD, and a lot of the various signs that an individual has BPD fits on my ex. If a website states ten signs, she identifies with with a majority of those.

We were both colleagues and friends for about 6 months before we started dating. She was very loving at the beginning of our relationship. We went out on her initiative, she rather quickly invited me to meet her parents etc. On top of that she brought me a lot of small gifts, gave me constant compliments, you get the drift. This far, she seemed like a perfect match. We had great chemestry and I fell in love instantly. Basically she made me feel like no woman has ever make me feel before. But after two weeks, things began changing.

She was looking through my text messages, pictures and basically everything on my phone. She even texted one of my female friends - from my phone - asking her if I had ever had sex with her. Besides from this she generally exhibits jealous behaviour, texting me telling me to 'sleep alone' when I'm out with friends and asking how 'my date went' whenever I'm out with a female friend. To me this screams jealousy.

When I confront her with this behaviour she denies being jealous. Her mother cheated on her father when she was 10 years old, and left him to marry the man she is with today. I am aware that this might be one of the reasons she is behaving the way she is.

Despite from this, she exhibits demaning behaviour to both me and even her own friends behind their backs (she doesn't really have that many, by the way). They see her as a great friend when they confide in her, telling her about their breakups, ups-and-downs in life etc. and all she does is laugh at their misery. As an example of her demeaning behaviour she referred to a few of my female friends as 'b___es' on one occation. I support her in relation to her masters degree, but whenever I have an important exam coming up, all she tells me is that "I am in a hurry to make it before the deadline" (not very supportive in my eyes).

Another thing: She misunderstands my intentions very often. She misinterprets when I give her any constructive and well-meant advice and goes on to pout in a passive-aggressive manner. Once, I let her hand slip out of mine because she was going in another direction that me. She almost reacted as if I had abandoned her because I let her hand go, but in the situation I didn't even think about it - in no way I was looking to abandon her, the only reason I let her hand go, was because we were going in different directions, nothing more. No evil intend behind my action.

Her behaviour drove me away and I wanted to spend less and less time with her because of this. She ended up dumping me recently, claiming that I neglected her.

I feel bad because despite of her bad behavior, she did a lot of nice things for me. While in the relationship I had (and still have) a gut feeling telling me something was horribly wrong. I have never felt this way about a girl before but at the same time, I have never experienced anyone behaving like this.

Her behaviour confused me - she changed between being perfect (caring, buying me gifts, giving compliments, inviting me to meet family etc) and being mean, arguing for no reason, looking through my phone etc.

This has resulted in my having to deal with great amounts of regret and guilt. Almost daily I think to myself that her behaviour would have been different had I only given her more attention, more gifts (like she did to me) etc. It's tearing me apart :'(

What do you think? Could she have BPD?

Please let me know if you need anymore info. Thanks in advance.

[MapleBob]

This has resulted in my having to deal with great amounts of regret and guilt. Almost daily I think to myself that her behaviour would have been different had I only given her more attention, more gifts (like she did to me) etc. It's tearing me apart :'(

What do you think? Could she have BPD?

Please let me know if you need anymore info. Thanks in advance.

First of all, welcome!

Secondly, I definitely relate to the feeling I bolded above. I think that the important part for you to hear is the simple rule of life that you don't buy loving behavior from someone with attention or gifts. I've personally been through that self-rumination head game with my uBPDex and it all leads back to that simple statement.

While none of us here is qualified to diagnose your ex as a pwBPD, it's important to keep in mind that having BPD traits is just as hard on us as partners as they would be if they were formally diagnosed. That being said, I'm definitely seeing the common red flags of idealize > devalue > discard relationship pattern, turbulent mood shifts, fear of engulfment/abandonment, lack of healthy boundaries, and a certain between-the-lines lack of empathy.

Keep posting, and definitely check out the LESSONS sections, and read enough threads that you don't feel alone about this anymore. You're not!  

[once removed]

hi Confusedbf1, i want to join maple bob in saying

maple bob is right in saying that we arent professionals and cannot diagnose anyone (the majority of our exes are in fact undiagnosed) but we can examine traits and behaviors of BPD.

im confident you will find many members here that relate to your story, and likewise you may relate to theirs. i certainly dealt with my share of jealousy and privacy invasion.

Another thing: She misunderstands my intentions very often. She misinterprets when I give her any constructive and well-meant advice and goes on to pout in a passive-aggressive manner. Once, I let her hand slip out of mine because she was going in another direction that me. She almost reacted as if I had abandoned her because I let her hand go, but in the situation I didn't even think about it - in no way I was looking to abandon her, the only reason I let her hand go, was because we were going in different directions, nothing more. No evil intend behind my action.

BPD is a disorder that revolves around two core fears of abandonment and engulfment. chances are in that interaction, very old, even primal wounds were triggered, unknown to either you or her and certainly not intended by you. this is not your fault but it may help explain it. BPD is also a shame based disorder, and a person with BPD may be hyper sensitive to criticism, real or perceived.

you will also find that many members here experience a deep sense of guilt and second guessing; some of us did not listen to our guts, and you may find that ultimately, having trusted your gut, you were being true to yourself; you felt something was very wrong very soon and its a valid reason to exit or withdraw from a relationship.

welcome again, Confusedbf1. youre in the right place 

[Mutt]

Hi Confusedbf1,



I`m sorry to hear that. I would like to join MapleBob and once removed and welcome you. I can relate with feeling bad with my ex wife because I thought that I wasn`t doing enough to make her happy. You describe guilty feelings and you likely feel like you`re walking on eggshells when you`re going out with friends and she makes accusations that you are seeing another woman? Guilt in FOG.

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)?

A pwBPD have low esteem, low self worth, chronic feelings of shame and are hyper sensitive to rejection. I'm glad that you could join us. It helps to talk  

[Confusedbf1]

Thank you for your affirmations. It means a lot to me.

What still puzzles me is: Did I cause her to behave this way?

Before we started dating, she had a 3,5 year relationship with her high school sweetheart. I only lasted two months before she broke with me. This makes me think that her behaviour was somehow my fault.

Of course I don't know whether their relationship was happy or not, but she once told me that she had had "fights that were much worse than the fights we had" (and I have never fought verbally with anyone like I did with her; we screamed and yelled and each other).

She left him after 3,5 years and was dating me two weeks later. After she broke up with me, I learned from herself that she started seeing someone else right away aswell.

[WoundedBibi]

Thank you for your affirmations. It means a lot to me.

What still puzzles me is: Did I cause her to behave this way?

Before we started dating, she had a 3,5 year relationship with her high school sweetheart. I only lasted two months before she broke with me. This makes me think that her behaviour was somehow my fault.

Of course I don't know whether their relationship was happy or not, but she once told me that she had had "fights that were much worse than the fights we had" (and I have never fought verbally with anyone like I did with her; we screamed and yelled and each other).

She left him after 3,5 years and was dating me two weeks later. After she broke up with me, I learned from herself that she started seeing someone else right away aswell.

Let's presume that you are right about the BPD as you are here for a reason and you know how to check the list of BPD traits.

Now about the behaviour. The behaviour is caused by the mental illness BPD. BPD starts before adult life. Experts are still debating whether it's down to genes, a sensitive character, a childhood with abuse or neglect, adolescence filled with rejection combined with a sensitive character or a combination of any or all of those. Personally I think it's a combination of any of those and the differences in how the BPD comes out depend on the combination of factors.

Where you involved in creating her genes or character, her childhood or her adolescence? No.

So the same rule that applies to the rest of us applies to you too: you didn't cause the BPD, you can't cure the BPD.

Need more proof?

She already told you the fights she had with her high school sweetheart were worse than the ones she had with you. So the behaviour was there before you were there.

She left him after 3.5 years and was with you within 2 weeks. So the behaviour was there before you were there.

She was with you for 2 months and was with your replacement straightaway. So the behaviour continues now you're no longer in the picture.

[Mutt]

As Woundedbibi suggests there are different theories for the cause of BPD. Linehan's theory is biological, social and the cause was beyond the person's control. You didn't cause the disorder, a pwBPD at emotionally immature and cannot sustain healthy adult intimacy, intimacy triggers the disorder. A pwBPD also fear being alone and need an emotional caretaker their care of their needs. I suggest reading as much you can about the disorder to depersonalize and become indifferent with the behaviors.

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist - Margalis Fjelstad, PhD