The final discard

[HurtinNW]

Hello all!

The other day in therapy my therapist asked what I was going to do when my ex tries to recycle me. Without thinking I replied I don't think he will.

I don't think he will for a few reasons. One is during the last recycle he asked if he could move into my place. After getting great advice here, and thinking it over, I told him no in the most positive, supportive way. It felt somehow like a Game Over moment. I remember his eyes, how diffident he acted. This was met setting a boundary and it felt like the end.

The other big reason is his idealization of me diminished each recycle until it pretty much was gone. My feeling from him is he is disillusioned with me. Even as he tried to control his temper it was like any connection to the good feelings were gone.

So I don't think he will try to recycle this time. I am predicting that when he has an excuse he will send me one final terse note, this time not apologizing, but saying he is moving on. He might not even send that. My gut says this is the final discard.

I'm having a lot of feelings around this. One is anger. How dare he put me through torture for four years and then just blithely walk away? Another is hurt, for the same reason. I kept trying, and kept trying, and it hurts to have him make a final discard. It hurts to be devalued to this point. Another feeling is anger at my myself, and some shame. Why did I do this to myself? Another feeling is almost like relief. If this is the final discard I can walk away, knowing he won't be contacting me. The image that comes to mind is an open park, and a dozen directions to walk.

But the biggest feeling is grief. That feeling is so big I am not ready to feel it yet.

[Mutt]

Hi HurtinNW,

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can see how that would feel confusing when we are experiencing different feelings and we're facing loss and grief. I know how painful it is when our exes don't contact us. It's really hard to say what your ex will or won't do. We can control our actions if our exes attempt to recycle.

Why did I do this to myself?

Don't beat yourself up

[HurtinNW]

Yes, Mutt, thank you. I've been thinking about how to handle it if he tries to recycle, but it is a gut punch to think he might not. I know that doesn't make sense considering how I am trying to detach. It just has such a sense of finality to it. There's that sense as always of how could he leave me in such pain, so abruptly? To just walk away and give the silent treatment. This time it feel severed in a different way. And that is a huge loss no matter how I cut it.

[patientandclear]

I feel the same way, Hurt (and so far, evidence is with me -- silence since the smallest, most innocuous of boundary settings in August). Several times, I have said no to him, doing the very best I could to explain why in a respectful, even loving, way, honoring his choices and explaining mine in light of his.  This is just not something he seems to be able to tolerate.

I'm with you on the grief, too. Even though when I do my best thinking, I think I did the right thing ... .the consequences seem like total loss and it is enormous.  Very very hard.  I just don't know that there was another way to proceed that would have prevented the loss and still left me intact.

I'm sorry it is so hard.

[Mutt]

I think that I can relate with that gut punch. I recall my ex had sent me an email telling me that she was expecting, it felt like a gut punch because I still had hope left. It makes sense. It think that it takes time to detach. A pwBPD avoid and suppress how they feel, maladaptive behaviors. It's a lot of hurt. Hang in there.

[Zinnia21]

Hi there.

I read your post just now while searching for stories to ease my mind. I'm in the same boat of being recently discarded again... nearly made it to 3 years, but not quite... .

After reading some posts here I've acquainted myself with the term being 'recycled'. It's such a true term for this situation and certainly doesn't conjure any images of being restored to ones former glory, or once again becoming the beautiful object of desire that we were in the beginning (by their perception anyway)! We are the same and just as loving and beautiful but somehow reduced more and more in their eyes. (Seems like that anyway).

So yes, I too feel that I know it's the last round, I knew it was when he made me leave him behind in his mental mess and irrational pushing away, against my will (how I tried to stay and help and love was immense... !) That was early February this year so I've now made it 2 months with only seeing him once to talk about things. I hate those talks where he talks from such an estranged distance, disconnected from his need for me, his love for me, suddenly cold, I'm sure many can relate. Which leads me to say that I really understand what you mean when you say it hurts to think of them not needing us in the aftermath. The thought of them not reaching out or chasing is such an empty hollow feeling. You feel so let down and you want to hear from them so badly even when you know the contact is so unpredictable and they keep hurting you. But somehow it's worse that they don't even try, especially when in the past my BPD ex put up such a fight to get me back after the 1st breakup.

Your friends think you're half mad yourself for WANTING the contact. I feel like a drug addict hiding in the corner checking my phone to see if there's a text, but hiding the habit from friends at times... !:/

So if your gut is telling you that's that and your ex BPD has played out their drama from start to finish, you're probably right. I myself have remained in a strange (messaging only) contact with mine, and only today am I really managing to mentally start cracking down and moving on. He said he would try meet up with me or talk with me but keeps not following through. He's in his own head, his own foggy world. I'm not truly allowed back in to help or love anymore. Horrendous pain when you think of that special embrace and unbeatable chemistry and tenderness that you live for with them. But if they're not going to shine that sun on us anymore (and how brief those moments of light and love become... !) then let's cheer each other on to walk, as you said, off into the open. Without restraints and accusations and heaviness. We know how hard we've tried. Let's not be hard on ourselves, therapists will say- what's wrong with YOU for taking the crap. But no one can judge if they haven't been there. It's a tumbling world of confusing extremes, I've been ejected from it as it sounds you have to. I related to your post so much. Thanks for sharing it.

Sorry for my long response!

[C.Stein]

I'm having a lot of feelings around this. One is anger. How dare he put me through torture for four years and then just blithely walk away? Another is hurt, for the same reason. I kept trying, and kept trying, and it hurts to have him make a final discard. It hurts to be devalued to this point. Another feeling is anger at my myself, and some shame. Why did I do this to myself? Another feeling is almost like relief. If this is the final discard I can walk away, knowing he won't be contacting me. The image that comes to mind is an open park, and a dozen directions to walk.

But the biggest feeling is grief. That feeling is so big I am not ready to feel it yet.

I have many of the same questions and feelings too HNW.  It is all very confusing, frustrating and hurts like hell.  I have slowly been working my way towards acceptance but it has been a difficult path to walk.  Eventually I will get there, so will you.

So as you spin around in your "open park" what potential paths do you see unfolding before you?

[HurtinNW]

patietandclear: Yes, exactly. Part of the anger is knowing this is the final discard because I set a small, completely rational boundary. He wanted to move in with me and my kids after four years of constant recycling. He must have broken up with me 20 plus times in those four years (Is that a record here? Do I get a prize? ). He's been unemployed for over two years, and his wanting to move in happened to coincide with him running out of money and needing a place to live. I said no, with a lot of positive support, suggesting he get a job and apartment. Within a week he found reason to rage and break up.

It hurts like heck to have him discard me because of a reason like this. I can almost understand the rages and explosions because he was dysregulated or has undiagnosed BPD or something else. But this feels like he is discarding me because I didn't do what he wanted me to do. It seems monumentally cold and cruel. Especially since he raged, was abusive and simply vanished. His last words to be were to tell me what an awful person I am and no one could love me.  :'(

The hurt and pain are enormous. Maybe after over a month I am starting to really hit bottom to the truth. I hope it doesn't get worse.

Zinnia21: that is beautifully written and so accurate and honest. Yes, hungering for those brief moments of light and love, knowing they will never come again. I have never felt so beautiful, so adored and so desired. And I have never felt so despised, so scorned and so reviled. Well, I take that one back. My mother made me feel the same way. I feel hurt in a way that is very primal, very devestating and core.

C. Stein: The park is big and green and grassy. I imagine it to have soft sunlight unfolding a bit, and in each direction is something tantalizing: a sweet little creek, a soft wood, interesting homes were people might live, that will welcome me on their porches. I can imagine paths going in all directions. I think perhaps I will work on imagining each path has a sign. Some of the signs can be for short-term plans, such as "Travel to the beach for a weekend, take the kids," and others life-altering, such as "adopt more foster kids." I want some of the paths to lead someplace brand new and beautiful.

It's a nice image and I hope I can focus on my imaginary life park in the worst parts of this pain.

[C.Stein]

It's a nice image and I hope I can focus on my imaginary life park in the worst parts of this pain.

The beauty of your imaginary park is you can make it into anything you want ... .and by extension make your life into anything you want.  Have the courage to build your path.   

[WoundedBibi]

Part of the anger is knowing this is the final discard because I set a small, completely rational boundary. He wanted to move in with me and my kids after four years of constant recycling. He must have broken up with me 20 plus times in those four years (Is that a record here? Do I get a prize? ). He's been unemployed for over two years, and his wanting to move in happened to coincide with him running out of money and needing a place to live. I said no, with a lot of positive support, suggesting he get a job and apartment. Within a week he found reason to rage and break up.

It hurts like heck to have him discard me because of a reason like this. I can almost understand the rages and explosions because he was dysregulated or has undiagnosed BPD or something else. But this feels like he is discarding me because I didn't do what he wanted me to do. It seems monumentally cold and cruel.

For him as a pwBPD this was not a rational boundary. For him it probably felt as a complete rejection that you did not want him to move in. So a form of abandonment.

And BPD is a mental illness that has a lot to do with the pwBPD trying to control their environment, at least their SO. For a pwBPD you wanting something else they do is proof you don't love them. And as he felt hurt he felt the need to lash out at you and make very hurtful remarks. So him breaking up with you this time is still down to him having BPD.

Of course you were completely right from a NONs point of view not to want him moving in. He had no income to contribute. The home environment would have become very unstable for you and your children. It would have been a guess for you if he would be home, if the house would be a mess, etc.

And despite all your mind knows of course your heart still hurts...

And I have never felt so despised, so scorned and so reviled. Well, I take that one back. My mother made me feel the same way. I feel hurt in a way that is very primal, very devestating and core.

Is there anything there you think is worthwhile diving into with a T?

[HurtinNW]

Hi WoundedBibi,

You're correct. From his viewpoint I was making things impossible for the relationship. I'm sure he felt rejected at a deep level, and lashed out in return. I do know it is about his BPD/NPD, and I suspect more the narcissistic side. He responds with outrage when people don't treat him as special. That sounds harsh but it is sadly true. As someone who is more on the NPD side he fears lose of specialness and appreciation over abandonment. That's why I think one of the reasons this is a permanent discard is he is now aware I am "on to him" in the sense of establishing boundaries.

I am definitely exploring the connection between my ex and how my mother treated me in therapy! My counselor believes we often go into relationships looking to heal our wounds, and get the nurturing we missed. She doesn't believe there is anything wrong with that provided we chose healthy partners and grow in other ways as well, including giving. The problem is when we stay in a destructive relationship, as I have done, in that sad way of hoping the ending will be different.