First date with a new person since the discard

[SoMadSoSad]

I don't know if mine has a replacement or not. Maybe. Who knows. If she does, it won't last. I'm one of the few people that has the patience to tolerate her drama for long periods.

From what I've  learned in my own personal experience, is if she is an attractive person then there will always be guys willing to put up with whatever she dishes out. Keep that in mind because I too thought I would be the only one to put up with her stuff but shes been going strong with my replacement for 4 months now.

[sweet tooth]

I don't know if mine has a replacement or not. Maybe. Who knows. If she does, it won't last. I'm one of the few people that has the patience to tolerate her drama for long periods.

From what I've  learned in my own personal experience, is if she is an attractive person then there will always be guys willing to put up with whatever she dishes out. Keep that in mind because I too thought I would be the only one to put up with her stuff but shes been going strong with my replacement for 4 months now.

My ex doesn't put out. Guys put moves on her and she freaks out. VERY few guys will tolerate that. I lasted with her as long as I did because I respected those boundaries. In 11 months we never went beyond hand holding and kissing in the cheek.

[Mars22]

We all talk about how toxic these relationships are? Right? In my experience, let the toxins get out of your body as you might poison a completely healthy and vulnerable women. Or ruin a good opportunity with some great loving women. When all she knows and is looking for is for somebody whose heart is open and healthy and equally wanting a real loving relationship. It's seems a bit unfair to her, ... .and of course you too actually. Sadly, I'm only a one month out and tried the online thing and, my heart and mind were too heavy to show my true loving center and easy-going self. I need much more healing. Tread lightly.

So how do I know when i'm ready? When i can go one or several days without thinking once about of my ex pwBPDgf.

[sweet tooth]

We all talk about how toxic these relationships are? Right? In my experience, let the toxins get out of your body as you might poison a completely healthy and vulnerable women. Or ruin a good opportunity with some great. When all she knows and is looking for is somebody whose heart is open and healthy for a real loving relationship. It's seems a bit unfair to them, ... .and of course you too actually. Sadly, I'm only a one month out and tried the online thing and, my heart and mind were too heavy to show my true loving center and easy-going self. I need much more healing. Tread lightly.

So how do I know when i'm ready? When i can go one or several days without thinking once about of my ex pwBPDgf.

Beats me, Mars. Unless I'm really focused on something like schoolwork, I can't go 10 minutes without thinking about mine. I was told not to contact her again, sent a brief goodbye message, and haven't heard anything from her beyond occasional LinkedIn monitoring since. Things in the environment remind me of her. Check out the song "Counting the Days" by Goldfinger. It's probably on YouTube. It pretty much sums up my feelings to a T other than the "hating you" part. I hold no antipathy toward my ex. None. I've held grudges before for less, but for whatever reason I still care about my ex and want a reconciliation. Maybe it's because I know she's messed up and I have pity for her. Maybe it's because all of those years of Church on Sunday caught up with me and I just have a forgiving heart now (Turn the other cheek, if your brother hurts you 40 times and all that). Maybe deep down I pity her and see her potential. I don't know. What I do know is I have no ill feelings toward her.

[SoMadSoSad]

I don't know if mine has a replacement or not. Maybe. Who knows. If she does, it won't last. I'm one of the few people that has the patience to tolerate her drama for long periods.

From what I've  learned in my own personal experience, is if she is an attractive person then there will always be guys willing to put up with whatever she dishes out. Keep that in mind because I too thought I would be the only one to put up with her stuff but shes been going strong with my replacement for 4 months now.

My ex doesn't put out. Guys put moves on her and she freaks out. VERY few guys will tolerate that. I lasted with her as long as I did because I respected those boundaries. In 11 months we never went beyond hand holding and kissing in the cheek.

I envy you right now

[sweet tooth]

Furthermore, when I went on the date with the other girl all I could think about was my ex. On the way there I thought about how I would have preferred to be there with HER. The new person was okay, but she wasn't very bright, she was kind of boring, and she annoyed me. I kept thinking, I wish X was here. I had more fun with her. Her emotional intelligence is in the toilet, but she's smart, funny, fun, spontaneous, and very sweet when she wasn't dysregulating. The situation sucks, man. Hardcore.

[sweet tooth]

So Mad, why do you envy me?

[SoMadSoSad]

So Mad, why do you envy me?

You don't have to worry about your ex getting sexual with a replacement. You don't even know if she has one. These feelings on top of missing her and loving her are almost unbearable.

[sweet tooth]

So Mad, why do you envy me?

You don't have to worry about your ex getting sexual with a replacement. You don't even know if she has one. These feelings on top of missing her and loving her are almost unbearable.

I understand and I empathize with you. That must be very frustrating and hurtful. Is there anything I can do to help you?

[SoMadSoSad]

So Mad, why do you envy me?

You don't have to worry about your ex getting sexual with a replacement. You don't even know if she has one. These feelings on top of missing her and loving her are almost unbearable.

I understand and I empathize with you. That must be very frustrating and hurtful. Is there anything I can do to help you?

I'll be alright thanks though.

[Mars22]

Sweet tooth - These are all 'normal' feelings. As i said, these chemicals need run their course through your body and get out. My waif xBPDgf was a brilliant person intellectually, social worker, spoke 2 languages, A-DORABLE. yet, gave these innocent impressions she needed to be taken care of. I had the capability to take care of her on all levels, accept emotionally. Where, actually it matters the most to be honest. We can't feel like we have t fix the people we are with. Ya give what ya get ,as they say. I gave, and gave and gave and got treated like crap. Take pity on yourself and please make heathy efforts to move on. Hardest thing in the world, yes but —  you'll be better off in the long run. And btw, this is me reminding myself as well.

[WoundedBibi]

We all talk about how toxic these relationships are? Right? In my experience, let the toxins get out of your body as you might poison a completely healthy and vulnerable women. Or ruin a good opportunity with some great. When all she knows and is looking for is somebody whose heart is open and healthy for a real loving relationship. It's seems a bit unfair to them, ... .and of course you too actually. Sadly, I'm only a one month out and tried the online thing and, my heart and mind were too heavy to show my true loving center and easy-going self. I need much more healing. Tread lightly.

So how do I know when i'm ready? When i can go one or several days without thinking once about of my ex pwBPDgf.

Beats me, Mars. Unless I'm really focused on something like schoolwork, I can't go 10 minutes without thinking about mine. I was told not to contact her again, sent a brief goodbye message, and haven't heard anything from her beyond occasional LinkedIn monitoring since. Things in the environment remind me of her. Check out the song "Counting the Days" by Goldfinger. It's probably on YouTube. It pretty much sums up my feelings to a T other than the "hating you" part. I hold no antipathy toward my ex. None. I've held grudges before for less, but for whatever reason I still care about my ex and want a reconciliation. Maybe it's because I know she's messed up and I have pity for her. Maybe it's because all of those years of Church on Sunday caught up with me and I just have a forgiving heart now (Turn the other cheek, if your brother hurts you 40 times and all that). Maybe deep down I pity her and see her potential. I don't know. What I do know is I have no ill feelings toward her.

Nobody says you need to have ill feelings towards her. That is not what detaching is about at all. Yes, usually people go through an angry spell before they can detach and maybe that's why you haven't. But the aim is not to be angry at her for the rest of your life. The aim is to be able to let go. To see the relationship for what it really was. Why you entered it. Where you made mistakes. Where you contributed to the dynamics. Where you triggered your ex without realizing. The aim is to become a healthier person. So you choose a healthier partner. So you don't make the same mistakes. So you know the difference between intensity and intimacy. So you know how to communicate and what healthy boundaries are.

I too think of my ex every day. I miss his sense of humour, his smile and his smell. But I don't miss his lack of communication and his passive aggressiveness or his endless moodswings. We never argued, not until the last day we spoke. You can't argue with someone who acts like a mute. But the fact we didn't argue doesn't mean it was a good relationship. It wasn't built on trust, respect, intimacy, safety, honesty and so on.

I miss some aspects of him. But there is more I am glad to miss. I don't want him back. He made me feel really happy for a really short while and really unhappy the rest of the time.

[sweet tooth]

Sweet tooth - These are all 'normal' feelings. As i said, these chemicals need run their course through your body and get out. My waif xBPDgf was a brilliant person intellectually, social worker, spoke 2 languages, A-DORABLE. yet, gave these innocent impressions she needed to be taken care of. I had the capability to take care of her on all levels, accept emotionally. Where, actually it matters the most to be honest. We can't feel like we have t fix the people we are with. Ya give what ya get ,as they say. I gave, and gave and gave and got treated like crap. Take pity on yourself and please make heathy efforts to move on. Hardest thing in the world, yes but —  you'll be better off in the long run. And btw, this is me reminding myself as well.

I've been saying this for the entirety: If she treated me like crap ALL the time it would be easy. I'd walk away and never look back. The inconsistencies are what make it so difficult. She's simultaneously one of the best things that ever happened to me and a great emotional strain. She's an arch angel and a minor demon wrapped in one package. She's a balance of extremes.

[Mars22]

Sweet tooth - These are all 'normal' feelings. As i said, these chemicals need run their course through your body and get out. My waif xBPDgf was a brilliant person intellectually, social worker, spoke 2 languages, A-DORABLE. yet, gave these innocent impressions she needed to be taken care of. I had the capability to take care of her on all levels, accept emotionally. Where, actually it matters the most to be honest. We can't feel like we have t fix the people we are with. Ya give what ya get ,as they say. I gave, and gave and gave and got treated like crap. Take pity on yourself and please make heathy efforts to move on. Hardest thing in the world, yes but —  you'll be better off in the long run. And btw, this is me reminding myself as well.

I've been saying this for the entirety: If she treated me like crap ALL the time it would be easy. I'd walk away and never look back. The inconsistencies are what make it so difficult. She's simultaneously one of the best things that ever happened to me and a great emotional strain. She's an arch angel and a minor demon wrapped in one package. She's a balance of extremes.

No, i can totally dig it.Mine was actually a sweet lovely doll. Sadly, "the evil one crept up and slipped away with her, her, her... .yeah."

[JQ]

I think jumping into the dating scene earlier than you are truly ready to do so, can be a fatal mistake.

Secondly, and I only speak from my experience... .but my exGFuBPD I met on match. While I loved her so much, and still do, it didnt work out and was a tough ride where issues simply could never be resolved.

In terms of the other girls I dated from match at the time I met my ex, my take away was the site was a hornets nest of NPDs.

I dated a few really hot girls from the site. But my general feeling was "ok these girls are hot, yet were not able to find partners/boyfriends within their own social circles--- why is that?".

I mean, I was on match because:  I own my own business, so nearly all the people I see work for me. I also didnt want to date anyone in my industry, because I at the time was planning to get out of my industry due to not liking it one bit.

So my "circle" was sort of closed loop.

But really attractive girls... .typically don't have a hard time finding a date... .so in a way I always wondered "why" they were online... .Damaged goods? I dunno.

I am emotionally paralyzed. I have a hard time trusting people. Even before I'm able to trust them, I have a hard time meeting them to begin with. Like you said, online dating is risky business.

I'm to the point where I either want to get back with my exBPD or just give up on relationships entirely. They've been heartbreaking and and caused me a myriad of unnecessary anxiety, emotional pain, rejection, ridicule, loss of self-esteem, confusion, etc. It's like continually sticking your hand in a hornet's nest and expecting to get an ice cream cone. Why bother?

Online dating is extremely risky, just like you stated.

The reason, I found this to be true, or felt that it was "dangerous waters", is that everyone I had ever dated prior to the one time I tried Match and met my ex is I had met them naturally, through friends, or were friends with them first, so here's this:

Our social circles, our own circle of friends, co-workers, contacts, we act as a barrier of protection. People in our circle of friends, are pre-screened. They have passed the test.

I don't know if any studies have been done, but I am fairly certain that within the Match dot com "population" of members, there is a highly disproportionate level of:

Sociopaths, Psychopaths, BPDs, NPDs, HPDs, the list goes on.

I really believe this. Because our friends act as guardian angels. People who dont hold up to our circle's standards dont become part of our circle.

These people, are the outcasts. For a reason. And where do they go to meet people to date... .

Match?

Dont throw in the towel however. You need to take a step back and try to remember you have more than the two options you stated. Get back with someone who will never fulfill your emotional needs, or give up on love.

You could give it some time, 6 months, see what you can accomplish. Learn something new. Play piano, a talent. Get in shape. Do something for you... .that you couldnt do or never had the time for while in a relationship- because relationships take time. A lot of time.

In the end, in 6 months, you will be missing your ex less. You will notice the resentment and hurt will have faded. You will have met new people. And you will have done something for you.

People can be trusted. I dated a lot of girls up until now, I'm 36. This last one, my ex, is the only girl I ever dated who I felt was a truly dishonest (pathological liar type), person. And I now, on the outset, just feel truly bad for her. It's not fixable. It will stay with her, and she will have problems. Maybe not now, but she will not be able to change and fool someone forever.

So focus on you. Get back to that person you were, the amazing person you were before all this happened. Then see if you really only have 2 options.

Time does heal. It just takes time. I hope things get better soon... .remember they can.

Goingbackto20,

It's interesting you mention "I am fairly certain that within the Match dot com "population" of members, there is a highly disproportionate level of:

Sociopaths, Psychopaths, BPDs, NPDs, HPDs, the list goes on."  It was during one of many recycle periods with my exBPDgf. She painted me black, and went with bf#2 & when he wasn't enough for her she logged onto 2-3 online dating sites. She told me that she had "met" a couple of dozen guys for coffee and "dated" at least "one".  I wonder if any of those she actually met knew what they were getting into.  Apparently it didn't meet up to her expectations, and or requirements and she again reached out to me to recycle me. Once I was back within her good graces and in an intimate situation she tried to belittle me by telling me of her exploits. I was a little wounded but carried on like a trooper for a short period of time over the next few weeks.

It was a short period of time after that experience that we parted ways once again pretty much on my part & I went NC. So I am like you wondering how many Sociopaths, Psychopaths, BPDs, NPDs are trolling the online dating sites and I for one tend to stay clear of them. Anyone remember the movie "Fatal Attraction"?  It's a darn good thing I don't have a pet rabbit. 

Be careful out there ... .

[GoingBack2OC]

I think jumping into the dating scene earlier than you are truly ready to do so, can be a fatal mistake.

Secondly, and I only speak from my experience... .but my exGFuBPD I met on match. While I loved her so much, and still do, it didnt work out and was a tough ride where issues simply could never be resolved.

In terms of the other girls I dated from match at the time I met my ex, my take away was the site was a hornets nest of NPDs.

I dated a few really hot girls from the site. But my general feeling was "ok these girls are hot, yet were not able to find partners/boyfriends within their own social circles--- why is that?".

I mean, I was on match because:  I own my own business, so nearly all the people I see work for me. I also didnt want to date anyone in my industry, because I at the time was planning to get out of my industry due to not liking it one bit.

So my "circle" was sort of closed loop.

But really attractive girls... .typically don't have a hard time finding a date... .so in a way I always wondered "why" they were online... .Damaged goods? I dunno.

I am emotionally paralyzed. I have a hard time trusting people. Even before I'm able to trust them, I have a hard time meeting them to begin with. Like you said, online dating is risky business.

I'm to the point where I either want to get back with my exBPD or just give up on relationships entirely. They've been heartbreaking and and caused me a myriad of unnecessary anxiety, emotional pain, rejection, ridicule, loss of self-esteem, confusion, etc. It's like continually sticking your hand in a hornet's nest and expecting to get an ice cream cone. Why bother?

Online dating is extremely risky, just like you stated.

The reason, I found this to be true, or felt that it was "dangerous waters", is that everyone I had ever dated prior to the one time I tried Match and met my ex is I had met them naturally, through friends, or were friends with them first, so here's this:

Our social circles, our own circle of friends, co-workers, contacts, we act as a barrier of protection. People in our circle of friends, are pre-screened. They have passed the test.

I don't know if any studies have been done, but I am fairly certain that within the Match dot com "population" of members, there is a highly disproportionate level of:

Sociopaths, Psychopaths, BPDs, NPDs, HPDs, the list goes on.

I really believe this. Because our friends act as guardian angels. People who dont hold up to our circle's standards dont become part of our circle.

These people, are the outcasts. For a reason. And where do they go to meet people to date... .

Match?

Dont throw in the towel however. You need to take a step back and try to remember you have more than the two options you stated. Get back with someone who will never fulfill your emotional needs, or give up on love.

You could give it some time, 6 months, see what you can accomplish. Learn something new. Play piano, a talent. Get in shape. Do something for you... .that you couldnt do or never had the time for while in a relationship- because relationships take time. A lot of time.

In the end, in 6 months, you will be missing your ex less. You will notice the resentment and hurt will have faded. You will have met new people. And you will have done something for you.

People can be trusted. I dated a lot of girls up until now, I'm 36. This last one, my ex, is the only girl I ever dated who I felt was a truly dishonest (pathological liar type), person. And I now, on the outset, just feel truly bad for her. It's not fixable. It will stay with her, and she will have problems. Maybe not now, but she will not be able to change and fool someone forever.

So focus on you. Get back to that person you were, the amazing person you were before all this happened. Then see if you really only have 2 options.

Time does heal. It just takes time. I hope things get better soon... .remember they can.

Goingbackto20,

It's interesting you mention "I am fairly certain that within the Match dot com "population" of members, there is a highly disproportionate level of:

Sociopaths, Psychopaths, BPDs, NPDs, HPDs, the list goes on."  It was during one of many recycle periods with my exBPDgf. She painted me black, and went with bf#2 & when he wasn't enough for her she logged onto 2-3 online dating sites. She told me that she had "met" a couple of dozen guys for coffee and "dated" at least "one".  I wonder if any of those she actually met knew what they were getting into.  Apparently it didn't meet up to her expectations, and or requirements and she again reached out to me to recycle me. Once I was back within her good graces and in an intimate situation she tried to belittle me by telling me of her exploits. I was a little wounded but carried on like a trooper for a short period of time over the next few weeks.

It was a short period of time after that experience that we parted ways once again pretty much on my part & I went NC. So I am like you wondering how many Sociopaths, Psychopaths, BPDs, NPDs are trolling the online dating sites and I for one tend to stay clear of them. Anyone remember the movie "Fatal Attraction"?  It's a darn good thing I don't have a pet rabbit. 

Be careful out there ... .

Yea well like I said, they arent pre-screened and approved into your own circle of friends; where you buddy might say- "dude that chick is crazy avoid".  You dont have that protection.

I dont think that any of us guys know what we are getting into when we meet anyone really. I mean Psychopaths are cunning, deceptive, they fly under the radar undetected. They are charming, sweet, funny, then wham!

But yea, I actually have my first date tomorrow with a girl I met online. Super cute, sounds very laid back, should be interesting, considering I'm not really mentally ready to date. But I have a way of really cheering up, getting very happy, around other people. I like people. So I am sure once we are out having a good time, who knows! 

[JQ]

Goingback20c,

Just enjoy the date, no pressure, someone to talk to, no expectations, hell we all have to eat and have a coke!       

[sweet tooth]

Basically everyone in my life believes my ex is mentally unbalanced and I should stay away from her.  Also, when I joined Match at my T's request I stumbled upon her profile.  It was alarming.  The first line said, "I have a lot to offer in a relationship."  During our entire time together she kept telling me she wasn't ready for a relationship.  A mutual friend told another friend of mine (who told me) that "Going back and forth between wanting to be friends and more than friends is her M.O."

I don't know.  I was weary of dating sites to begin with.  Now I'm even more so, even after the date I went on was a neutral experience.  I'm afraid, as others have hypothesized, that they are a breeding ground for the disturbed.  The question becomes, how are you supposed to meet potential dates? Are we doomed to bad experiences?  I've never been a stable, loving relationship.  I have no baseline for what's "normal" or acceptable.  I feel like I'm damaged in that regard and it will be very hard for me to find somebody who I will love and who will love me appropriately.  As I've said in other threads, even the women in my own family have given me mixed messages and intermittent reinforcement with their affection.  How am I ever supposed to trust someone completely or have a normal love life? 

[sweet tooth]

By the way, Going Back, I hope you have a great time.  Please let us know (in this thread) how the date goes. I will be here to support you, whether the date is positive or negative.