WoundedBibi
"Exactly why you think. Your sheer presence now is enough to set him off.
Your sheer presence will set him off now. There will always be fire. You will always get burned."
I think I needed to hear that. Thx!
Becoming or even understanding why we become walking triggers is a part of this disorder that is very difficult for me. I guess all parts are difficult.
The latest money loan was more about my weakness than the $ amount... was just over $100 to help get a tool. I'm sure some of it brought drugs but I do believe the tool is being purchased. I knew what I was doing and did it anyway. The emoticons are missing a much needed "Facepalm".
Insert facepalm here.
Fantasies put him back in the early lovebomb stages and of me rescuing him... .Not realistic or healthy
I am well aware... reading some books a T gave me on Co-Dep...
Not sure if I've ever had a very healthy relationship to be honest.
I get bored easily and lose interest in partners. Longest was 2 1/2 yrs... (I'm 50, a very young 50),
and most of my r/s' have been at least a little dysfunctional,
often with lots of partying. Never abusive or as intense as my borderline experience.
Nor have I ever been abusive, disrespectful, rude and unkind to my partners. Painful with truth yes but never be cruel intentionally.
At some point for some pwBPD the SO or ex becomes the trigger. I knew I became that for my ex. Just the fact he could see me from a distance would make his mood shift dramatically. I think it has to do with either having seen them in a really vulnerable way (as with Fox007) or understanding/seeing them for who they are (as partly goes for me) or because you have become synonymous with pain (as partly goes for me). [/quote]
I now know why he said to me a number of times how he didn't want our friendship to get romantic.
He knows he cannot keep a friendship alive with an ex.
I loved the friendship we had. Was not a long one, we hooked up fairly quickly.
We were seeing others when we started hanging out together.
Question... .So after a relationship w a BP, can you realistically ever go back to being a baseline friend... .Or is the trigger always going to remain as long as the BP is still unaware and not in T?
Your not a sucker, your a human with a heart and feelings. I did the same with my ex wife for years after she left. Groveling to her, putting my dignity on the shelf to be near her, recognized by her, acknowledged by her. Being treated like a nothing. You are just a source to feed upon. I was a shell of a man before my discard 9 months ago. I was a crushed empty shell after the discard. I did everything and anything to hear her voice, I would be thinking like a mad man, I wouldn't hear from her for a long time than she would call and I was like a dog when his master came home from work. Forget the money, that's only a line of contact ( unless it's a lot of money ) your sanity is worth it. I thought I would never survive the discard, I felt like your describing. It is such a hopeless helpless feeling. It does get better but only with no contact and a good councillor and time. It's painfull and not easy but it does pay off believe me and many others on these sites. They get extreme pleasure out of destroying. No reaction of any kind to anything your ex might say or do. If you want to grow and get your life moving no contact is a must. I share a son with my ex and going no contact works very well for me. Nothing you will ever do or say will ever make you any kind of an anything in your ex's eyes. They hurt, destroy, discard and move to a new source but will still use you as a source. Sounds harsh but it's the truth.
Thank you for sharing, I need harsh right now! I know better but... .
Working on that.
I feel for those like yourself that put in so much time to your SO's... .I am lucky that it wasn't years
and children involved. I can imagine if I had stayed in it how much of myself would have been wasted away and how many health problems. My health was already deteriorating, the stress effects start fast.
PwBPD do not necessarily get extreme pleasure out of destroying. Some do enjoy destroying and feel bad about it afterwards, some do enjoy destroying and don't feel bad afterwards and lots don't intend to destroy and don't enjoy the destroying. They just can't stop themselves from doing it. They are all different.
I think all 3 may play with my guy, depending on his emotional state.
What a difference if I knew about this disorder in the beginning... .May have fell into the trap
anyway but the knowledge would have been beneficial.
Some days I am devastated, some days I am totally crushed, some days, actually relieved she left. I realized after she discarded me exactly what I was dealing with (I totally suspected) and it all came into focus. As I struggle to recover, I realize what a flawed broken individual she is and how the devastation they bring (I wasn't the first, just the latest in a long line I'm sure).
As I struggle to recover, to regain momentum, to get my life back in order my work sustains me. Unfortunately, I can't be at work every day. Today is bad, tomorrow may be better or worse. My rational mind realized the toxicity of my exBPD gf.
To all of us suffering from these relationships, this site is a godsend.
How long were you involved?
We all know them leaving is for the best but that knowledge doesn't seem to ease the pain.
How are you today?
Too much free time is dangerous to a grieving heart, these forums have been very helpful to me as well. Freelance worker and not very busy these days. Helping in a friends bar which is good for my nights instead of being home and ruminating.
They are all different, WoundedBibi. I think my ex is more npd than BPD but I like the advice I get on here. My ex is visious. She turned me into a mental wreck. When my son was born 9 years, mentally I wasn't worth a hand full of magic beans. My son's mother took pure pleasure in hurting me. I begged her to stay home for our son's first Xmas. I told her we have to heal our marriage spend this Xmas as a family, our first Xmas with our child. I put a turkey in the oven and begged her from the bottom of my heart, she looked at me, laughed in my face, said we weren't a family and left. She lied to the priest and had my son baptized with out my knowing, I found out 9 months later. I feel bad for her. I do get confused sometimes, sometimes I feel she has a poison black soul, a diseased heart than sometimes my heart goes out to her, that she is sick and can't help herself. I know, very sadly that she was often exposed to her extremely sexual abusive grandfather, by her mother who was a victim of this man as well, many many times. The list of her ruthlessness is long, she told me her conscience is clear and feels nothing for her actions. But maybe she hides her hurting very well and I was just blind to it. After so much of her hurtful words maybe I closed my mind. She told me many times I don't get it. She refused all counselling and I shut down mentally. I lost my ability to cope. When I thought we were getting somewhere she would turn on me. She never shared her past or child hood, when I shared my child hood she would get very sarcastic about my family. I only know about the abuse bc we come from a small rural community. I know all her aunts, uncles, grand mother and cousins on both sides of her family. There are no secrets. I am very willing to learn and look at my roll I played in this.
Sorry that you had to endure that.
I wish you all the best in your healing.
I wonder to if there was pleasure in any of the cruelty or if they suffered too from it. My guy had said on occasions that he had no remorse, and other times he was crying with remorse, sometimes he's apologize but usually not or not sounding sincere.
So I will attempt no contact without blocking... .His messages are being forwarded to another folder out of site. I live in a place where the $500 he owes me is actually a lot of money... 5 months rent for me.
He has proven in the past to be honorable about paying back debts... .Karma is a strong influence on him... funny as that sounds.
I need to be strong, and hear harsh truths from you wise posters.
Thanks for your responses
