Why do they break up

[Depression = 72% of members]

Well, I was thinking about this in the aftermath of our breakup (uexBPDgf broke up with me)

We were fighting a lot because i couldnt stand her coldness. So you could say she broke up because her needs were not met. But then their motives are not all that diffefent from people with no BPD. I mean, isnt almost every breakup a result of not having your needs met?

Same goes for "i'll leave you before you leave me". Also apllies to people with no BPD.

So then, what differentiates their motives from people with no BPD?

And also, a lot of people with BPD stay in relationships even though there is a lot of stress.

Well, just trying to understand here... .

[Tomacini]

Well, I was thinking about this in the aftermath of our breakup (uexBPDgf broke up with me)

We were fighting a lot because i couldnt stand her coldness. So you could say she broke up because her needs were not met. But then their motives are not all that diffefent from people with no BPD. I mean, isnt almost every breakup a result of not having your needs met?

Same goes for "i'll leave you before you leave me". Also apllies to people with no BPD.

So then, what differentiates their motives from people with no BPD?

And also, a lot of people with BPD stay in relationships even though there is a lot of stress.

Well, just trying to understand here... .

[AwakenedOne]

So then, what differentiates their motives from people with no BPD?

I think the difference is that the pwBPD very often leave the relationship for survival versus in a normal relationship it's just more something like a choice / preference to leave.

And also, a lot of people with BPD stay in relationships even though there is a lot of stress.

Possibly they are staying in the relationship to mentally survive in a different type of way and things just haven't reached the breaking point yet?

[WoundedBibi]

Why they break up of course, once again, differs per pwBPD and per situation. But if it helps any these are the main reasons I've deduced from the pwBPD boards.

- they fall head over heels for you, completely in intense love. And then all of a sudden they're not anymore. It can be you had an opinion about something that wasn't theirs which means you're not an extension of them, could be something else that meant you fell off your pedestal and were no longer seen as perfect. Could be as simple as waking up next to you and feeling too warm and suddenly the hate was triggered. > push out

- they fall head over heels for you, completely in intense love. And then all of a sudden they're not anymore. They create drama by acting cold or pushing you away or raging or hitting or arguing or crying or breaking up or whatever. The end goal is for them to get the loving feeling back. They hope as you start to react to their drama by pleading, begging, showing your love etc, they will have the same feeling they had before. But the step in between, the drama, is > push out

- you're getting too close. Close is not scary, close is frightening to the level they think they will die. Too much fear too handle. > push out

- they get infatuated quickly and realize it, they know their temporary partner cannot in the end satisfy them but for the time being it's nice and the partner serves a purpose. Until they don't. > push out

- they fall head over heels for you, completely in intense love. And they are intensely, once again to the level they think they will die, afraid that you will leave and take away your love. This must be avoided. The best way to do this is for them to leave you. > push out

- they fall head over heels for you, completely in intense love. And they are intensely, once again to the level they think they will die, afraid that you will leave and take away your love. This must be avoided. They start checking up on you, see cheating where there is none, and go into jealous rages over nothing. The result is a self fulfilling prophecy as this makes you leave. An involuntary > push out

- they fall head over heels for you, completely in intense love. And they are intensely, once again to the level they think they will die, afraid that you don't really love them as they are unloveable. This means your love needs to be put to the test. Not that you will ever pass because there will always be another test. So what follows is > push out

Push out of course can be

- simply walking out saying "never contact me again"

- crying

- arguing

- raging

- hitting

- growing cold

- cheating

- sending other men or women on to you to see how you react

- blocking you out of their lives

- disappearing

- setting up with a replacement

Once again, as they are different people with different characters and they are all on a different spectrum of the BPD scale, might have another PD or issue mixed in etc etc there is no one size fits all answer.

For some it ends after this push out. For most it doesn't. As soon as the fear subsides they regret pushing you away and want you/the relationship back. If they do, they will actively seek you out to recycle you.

[HarleypsychRN]

Wounded Bibi,

Nothing more to add except that was an outstanding post. Printed that one out and it goes on my essential reading pile. Thank you!

"The calendar changes, they don't" -Unknown

[WoundedBibi]

Does that count as 'published author'?  

[Ab123]

Wounded Bibi,

Nothing more to add except that was an outstanding post. Printed that one out and it goes on my essential reading pile. Thank you!

"The calendar changes, they don't" -Unknown

Plus one. God it's so sad ... .  ("I didn't break it. I can't fix it."

[MapleBob]

Why they break up of course, once again, differs per pwBPD and per situation. But if it helps any these are the main reasons I've deduced from the pwBPD boards.

That was a GREAT post! I'd add that those main reasons are in some ways "select all that apply". I feel like my uBPDexgf had some overlap in those categories, or cycled through different ones maybe?

[WoundedBibi]

Why they break up of course, once again, differs per pwBPD and per situation. But if it helps any these are the main reasons I've deduced from the pwBPD boards.

That was a GREAT post! I'd add that those main reasons are in some ways "select all that apply". I feel like my uBPDexgf had some overlap in those categories, or cycled through different ones maybe?

Agreed. I think they can definitely overlap or blend from one into another.

[MapleBob]

Why they break up of course, once again, differs per pwBPD and per situation. But if it helps any these are the main reasons I've deduced from the pwBPD boards.

That was a GREAT post! I'd add that those main reasons are in some ways "select all that apply". I feel like my uBPDexgf had some overlap in those categories, or cycled through different ones maybe?

Agreed. I think they can definitely overlap or blend from one into another.

Even worse, it was like mine would go "oh it's surely THIS that I'm feeling/doing (fear of abandonment / just not feeling it anymore / testing / unloveable)" and I'd try to address that one, only to have her switch to one of the other "modes". "Well that's great, but there's this oother feeling... ."

Like whack-a-mole!

[sunnyspring]

Thank you bibi for this piece of art in such a painful and complex subject. Your clear thinking helps a lot, I've got a print out too, to honor you and remind myself... .

[WoundedBibi]

Thank you bibi for this piece of art in such a painful and complex subject. Your clear thinking helps a lot, I've got a print out too, to honor you and remind myself... .

And your compliment helps me get through this sucky day 

[Tomacini]

True bibi: your comments are nothing short of amazing!

[WoundedBibi]

True bibi: your comments are nothing short of amazing!

Keep the feathers coming  I'll go find a cap to collect them in 

Thanks Tomacini 

[La Carotte]

WoundedBibi- thank you from me too! All of those!

The saddest thing for me, on reading your list, was that my ex explained all those different feelings to me at different times, and also told me once that she felt as though she was literally sometimes fighting for her life in relation to me. I suppose I think that it it is terribly sad that if someone is able to show that insight, explain it, and have their partner try and understand and support them, that this still isn't enough to stop all the nasty maladaptive behaviours and hurtful words and actions.

[HurtinNW]

Wounded Bibi, Thank You for that post!

Mine was like this:

They fall head over heels in love with you, so intensely in love with you. You are The One, bathed in white light, and they will be forever happy. But then something happens. The same awful doubts and fears and emptiness are still inside them. You didn't fix it, and furthermore, you want something from them too. It must mean you are not The One. They respond by lashing out = push out.

As you posted, they eventually regret it, because the doubts and fears and emptiness are still there. They remember how once they thought you were The One. They tell themselves if they recycle you maybe it will turn out true again.

But then the same cycle happens... .As long as you let it.

[WoundedBibi]

Wounded Bibi, Thank You for that post!

Mine was like this:

They fall head over heels in love with you, so intensely in love with you. You are The One, bathed in white light, and they will be forever happy. But then something happens. The same awful doubts and fears and emptiness are still inside them. You didn't fix it, and furthermore, you want something from them too. It must mean you are not The One. They respond by lashing out = push out.

As you posted, they eventually regret it, because the doubts and fears and emptiness are still there. They remember how once they thought you were The One. They tell themselves if they recycle you maybe it will turn out true again.

But then the same cycle happens... .As long as you let it.

Yeah, the you not being perfect one. I had that 'hidden' in the first one together with any other reason to decide you didn't deserve a pedestal after all. 

I'll expand on it when I write my layman's work on BPD   

[MapleBob]

They fall head over heels in love with you, so intensely in love with you. You are The One, bathed in white light, and they will be forever happy. But then something happens. The same awful doubts and fears and emptiness are still inside them. You didn't fix it, and furthermore, you want something from them too. It must mean you are not The One. They respond by lashing out = push out.

As you posted, they eventually regret it, because the doubts and fears and emptiness are still there. They remember how once they thought you were The One. They tell themselves if they recycle you maybe it will turn out true again.

That's a good one too, and one that I suspect I'm familiar with... .

[Confused108]

Why they break up of course, once again, differs per pwBPD and per situation. But if it helps any these are the main reasons I've deduced from the pwBPD boards.

- they fall head over heels for you, completely in intense love. And then all of a sudden they're not anymore. It can be you had an opinion about something that wasn't theirs which means you're not an extension of them, could be something else that meant you fell off your pedestal and were no longer seen as perfect. Could be as simple as waking up next to you and feeling too warm and suddenly the hate was triggered. > push out

- they fall head over heels for you, completely in intense love. And then all of a sudden they're not anymore. They create drama by acting cold or pushing you away or raging or hitting or arguing or crying or breaking up or whatever. The end goal is for them to get the loving feeling back. They hope as you start to react to their drama by pleading, begging, showing your love etc, they will have the same feeling they had before. But the step in between, the drama, is > push out

- you're getting too close. Close is not scary, close is frightening to the level they think they will die. Too much fear too handle. > push out

- they get infatuated quickly and realize it, they know their temporary partner cannot in the end satisfy them but for the time being it's nice and the partner serves a purpose. Until they don't. > push out

- they fall head over heels for you, completely in intense love. And they are intensely, once again to the level they think they will die, afraid that you will leave and take away your love. This must be avoided. The best way to do this is for them to leave you. > push out

- they fall head over heels for you, completely in intense love. And they are intensely, once again to the level they think they will die, afraid that you will leave and take away your love. This must be avoided. They start checking up on you, see cheating where there is none, and go into jealous rages over nothing. The result is a self fulfilling prophecy as this makes you leave. An involuntary > push out

- they fall head over heels for you, completely in intense love. And they are intensely, once again to the level they think they will die, afraid that you don't really love them as they are unloveable. This means your love needs to be put to the test. Not that you will ever pass because there will always be another test. So what follows is > push out

Push out of course can be

- simply walking out saying "never contact me again"

- crying

- arguing

- raging

- hitting

- growing cold

- cheating

- sending other men or women on to you to see how you react

- blocking you out of their lives

- disappearing

- setting up with a replacement

Once again, as they are different people with different characters and they are all on a different spectrum of the BPD scale, might have another PD or issue mixed in etc etc there is no one size fits all answer.

For some it ends after this push out. For most it doesn't. As soon as the fear subsides they regret pushing you away and want you/the relationship back. If they do, they will actively seek you out to recycle you.

WB Well Said! Exactley what my ex did to me! Could not have outlined this better myself! Thank You! Everyone who were unfortunate enough to have these ppl in our lives should print this out and have on their fridge.

[WoundedBibi]

Why they break up of course, once again, differs per pwBPD and per situation. But if it helps any these are the main reasons I've deduced from the pwBPD boards.

- they fall head over heels for you, completely in intense love. And then all of a sudden they're not anymore. It can be you had an opinion about something that wasn't theirs which means you're not an extension of them, could be something else that meant you fell off your pedestal and were no longer seen as perfect. Could be as simple as waking up next to you and feeling too warm and suddenly the hate was triggered. > push out

- they fall head over heels for you, completely in intense love. And then all of a sudden they're not anymore. They create drama by acting cold or pushing you away or raging or hitting or arguing or crying or breaking up or whatever. The end goal is for them to get the loving feeling back. They hope as you start to react to their drama by pleading, begging, showing your love etc, they will have the same feeling they had before. But the step in between, the drama, is > push out

- you're getting too close. Close is not scary, close is frightening to the level they think they will die. Too much fear too handle. > push out

- they get infatuated quickly and realize it, they know their temporary partner cannot in the end satisfy them but for the time being it's nice and the partner serves a purpose. Until they don't. > push out

- they fall head over heels for you, completely in intense love. And they are intensely, once again to the level they think they will die, afraid that you will leave and take away your love. This must be avoided. The best way to do this is for them to leave you. > push out

- they fall head over heels for you, completely in intense love. And they are intensely, once again to the level they think they will die, afraid that you will leave and take away your love. This must be avoided. They start checking up on you, see cheating where there is none, and go into jealous rages over nothing. The result is a self fulfilling prophecy as this makes you leave. An involuntary > push out

- they fall head over heels for you, completely in intense love. And they are intensely, once again to the level they think they will die, afraid that you don't really love them as they are unloveable. This means your love needs to be put to the test. Not that you will ever pass because there will always be another test. So what follows is > push out

Push out of course can be

- simply walking out saying "never contact me again"

- crying

- arguing

- raging

- hitting

- growing cold

- cheating

- sending other men or women on to you to see how you react

- blocking you out of their lives

- disappearing

- setting up with a replacement

Once again, as they are different people with different characters and they are all on a different spectrum of the BPD scale, might have another PD or issue mixed in etc etc there is no one size fits all answer.

For some it ends after this push out. For most it doesn't. As soon as the fear subsides they regret pushing you away and want you/the relationship back. If they do, they will actively seek you out to recycle you.

WB Well Said! Exactley what my ex did to me! Could not have outlined this better myself! Thank You! Everyone who were unfortunate enough to have these ppl in our lives should print this out and have on their fridge.

Thanks C108!

Why do they break up aka The Fridge List