Is it Normal to Feel Worse?

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's been a little over a month since the final discard and I am worse than ever. Total pain today. I walk around with wet eyes, can't think, just feel catastrophic pain. Has anyone else dealt with this?

I think maybe it is just really starting to hit me. I see other posts here where ex contact after 8 months, a year, more, and I just can't imagine a way through this loss. I know it is my core wound too. That doesn't make it easier.

Yesterday I was outside my work office, which is downtown here, and ran into a mutual social friend of my ex. He inquired how X was doing. I kept my composure, and simply said in a nice voice, "X broke up with me." He expressed how bad he felt for X. I let that pass, and said, "I'm trying to take the higher road here," and changed the subject. Then today, while walking my dog, I ran into a neighbor that knows X. They happened to have worked at the same place a long time ago. She came up to me and said, "tell X I just LOVE all those funny political things he is posting on Facebook!" For some reason this felt like a stab to my heart. I said, "X broke up with me," very calmly, not blaming. She expressed regret and we both quickly changed the conversation.

Those two encounters combined with this increasing sense of horror and pain and loss just feel too much. I know what my ex posts on Facebook is none of my business. I know he is doing his usual routine, which is to bounce between self-pity and narcissism. I know he doesn't feel remorse, that he is mired in his self-pity and blame. But it just drives a knife into my heart that this man could leave me in such pain, over and over again, until he finally just shrugs and walks away. I feel like I have been broken in a thousand pieces and am left to pick them up.

Once when he was raging he got in my face and hissed, "I could destroy you."

I feel like he did.

Please, someone tell me there is a way out of this wilderness.

[HurtinNW]

It's been a little over a month since the final discard and I am worse than ever. Total pain today. I walk around with wet eyes, can't think, just feel catastrophic pain. Has anyone else dealt with this?

I think maybe it is just really starting to hit me. I see other posts here where ex contact after 8 months, a year, more, and I just can't imagine a way through this loss. I know it is my core wound too. That doesn't make it easier.

Yesterday I was outside my work office, which is downtown here, and ran into a mutual social friend of my ex. He inquired how X was doing. I kept my composure, and simply said in a nice voice, "X broke up with me." He expressed how bad he felt for X. I let that pass, and said, "I'm trying to take the higher road here," and changed the subject. Then today, while walking my dog, I ran into a neighbor that knows X. They happened to have worked at the same place a long time ago. She came up to me and said, "tell X I just LOVE all those funny political things he is posting on Facebook!" For some reason this felt like a stab to my heart. I said, "X broke up with me," very calmly, not blaming. She expressed regret and we both quickly changed the conversation.

Those two encounters combined with this increasing sense of horror and pain and loss just feel too much. I know what my ex posts on Facebook is none of my business. I know he is doing his usual routine, which is to bounce between self-pity and narcissism. I know he doesn't feel remorse, that he is mired in his self-pity and blame. But it just drives a knife into my heart that this man could leave me in such pain, over and over again, until he finally just shrugs and walks away. I feel like I have been broken in a thousand pieces and am left to pick them up.

Once when he was raging he got in my face and hissed, "I could destroy you."

I feel like he did.

Please, someone tell me there is a way out of this wilderness.

[Ab123]

I was still sobbing daily a month out from the last official breakup, which was about 2.5 months ago, I suppose. Today has been really hard for some reason, and I teared up a bit in the shower. It had been about a week since I last cried. It does get better.

[fromheeltoheal]

There is a way out of this wilderness Hurtin.

Good metaphor really, I'll expand in a minute.  But first, one month after 4 years is no time at all, probably not what you want to hear, but it's true.  For reference my relationship was shorter than yours and it took the better part of a year to start feeling 'myself' again.

So the way out.  The way out is to take very, very good care of yourself, get extremely selfish about it, which may feel weird and new, but in a good way.  And then, start shifting the focus from your ex to you and from the past to the future.  And while you're at it, develop a vision for your future, an empowered life of your dreams that you would be ecstatic in.  And it doesn't matter that your life isn't that way today, just create the vision, and then make it big and bright and compelling, so that it pulls you towards it, and then take one step in that direction.  Just one.  And then another.  Even if everything sucks, take the step.  And after a while you'll look back and notice progress, which builds momentum, and eventually it will take on a life of it's own and you'll look back and be amazed at how far you've come.  And then you will be free.

And while you're at it, feel everything.  As you process and grieve, there are many ways to avoid feeling what you're feeling, but by far the easiest way is to feel all the way through everything, and you will come out the other side free of it.  And this is also a time of profound growth, funny how inspirational pain can be, something else to look forward to, and most things that are worth it are challenging too.  Take care of you!

[vortex of confusion]

 

I think it is normal to feel worse at first. In the first few days after he left, I was a mess. I couldn't stop crying. I felt really stupid too because I am the one that kicked HIM out. I am the one that declared that he has finally broke the last straw. I had been trying to find a way out for years. I did it. I was so confused as to why I wasn't happy and singing for joy. I was crying and miserable and felt hollow.

I have to agree with fromheeltoheal. The best way through this is to take really good care of yourself. What kind of self care do you do? I know that one of the things that I had completely abandoned during the 18 years with stbx was self care. I stopped dressing like myself. I gained a boatload of weight. Heck, there for a while, I was barely showering.

Are you living in the place that the two of you shared? If so, find ways to make the place your own. I moved into a bedroom and bought all new bedding for my bed because I didn't even want to sleep in bed sheets or blankets that I had once shared with him. It is all about trying to figure out ways to reclaim my life and build myself back up. I suspect that I will have days that are difficult for a really long time. I know the relationship needed to be over yet there are times when the reality of being a single mom with 4 kids feels like a ton of bricks.

[APB0613]

i'm so sorry you're feeling that way right now. i too am a little over a month out from a BRUTAL discard. it gets better. you're doing the right thing by grieving that's for sure. i fear the day my ex will come back around... .will i be strong enough by then to resist? just let it out! hopefully that makes you feel better. we ARE left to pick up the pieces one by one... .that is the healing i believe. you're already doing well by not putting blame anywhere when you run into these people. be patient with yourself (i find this hard to do, i just want to get on as soon as possible like him but that isn't the healthy way) just feel how you need to feel and be gentle. that was the advice given to me when i finally decided to post and i've been doing just that. i have my days when i'm like i hope he suffers or he can't get away with this then i have the nightmares the crying the longing and then there are good days like today. it started rough waking at 3am from a nightmare but i was determined to finish the day strong and i did just that. we are resilient we are strong. take your time to process. i know it probably feels like you can't breathe but who knows what tomorrow holds right? especially if we are resilient enough and determined enough to pick those pieces up one by one. he didn't destroy you! you're the true winner of this battle. you're free! free to pay attention to exactly what you're feeling (like now) free to heal while they continue with the self pity/blame game and never change. we have a chance to bounce back even though it doesn't feel like that right. you're exactly where you need to be in the process (as one of the wonderful people on this board told me. it took a lot of pressure off me when they told me that).

[Daniell85]

I wish I could tell you the way out. The easy one. I can't find it, either.

Unlike you, I keep making the mistake of looking at my ex's social page. Or more specifically, I keep looking at the page of the woman we broke up over. So I see his efforts over there and it trigger's me massively. I feel so angry and hurt and in despair. Today it was bad enough that I tried to call him. He had his phone off. Probably would have hung up on me anyway. I have talked to that woman a few times. She is loving every minute of the situation, and I managed to get triangulated so obviously that didn't go well.

I read about 15 books by HG Tudor, a self proclaimed NPD. He has a blog where you can read his stuff, too. Just do a search on him.

They were shocking reads and kind of sobered me up in a lot of ways. My ex has NPD traits. Or is totally one. I can't tell, so hate to say for sure.The described behaviors were on target from the Tudor books, and the reasons for the behaviors were pretty disturbing to me. It took a ton of the pain over the loss and kind of creeped me out. That helped until I was triggered.

An NPD person deliberately does the hurtful thing to do in order to feed off of the emotional response you give them. That is what creeped me out. Someone hurts you on purpose in order to get a high off of it.

[HurtinNW]

I'm sitting here weeping a bit. I have kids and don't want to make them responsible for my pain, so I have to be careful not to break down in front of them.

I really wish I could just pack up and travel for a few months. I did that once when I was in my early 20s and a relationship ended. It really helped. But I have a job and kids and I feel stuck. I am in the house that the plan was he would move into. He stayed here when he wasn't breaking up with me. I have memories of him everywhere, from my bed to local haunts. Changing the house around is a good idea, thank you.

Our social life was linked, we have mutual friends... .I just don't know how to walk away from something that felt woven into my very heart.

I've mentioned he has a lot of NPD traits. Sometimes I think he was trying to hurt me. Heck, I know he was trying to hurt me at times. The question I have if he fed off it. I think so. He seemed to get all pumped up and oddly pleased when he hurt me.

And yet there was a soul in there that I loved. If he was all bad of course this would be easier.

Self care: I'm pretty good about some self care. I go to the gym every day, though lately I feel dead on my feet. I take care of my skin, hair and body, and it does help to feel attractive. My heart is another story. This loss comes on top of losing my brother and mother to suicide, my family to mental illness and abuse... .I just don't know how much I can take. I'm seeing my therapist. I'm trying to eat well (though I have insane cravings for sweets). I've been drinking too much. But despite all that I feel a pain that is beyond all measure.

On the vision that exists outside the wilderness: My entire life I have dreamed of love. I wanted a healthy family. I got that with my kids. But I wanted a partner, a man who was able to embrace my history, my fears and flaws as well as my strengths. I thought I had found it with him and to have him not only reject that but to reject those parts of me just feels catastrophic.

Do I make a vision then that doesn't have a partner? Do I focus on everything else I want to do? I do have lots of dreams and ideas outside of love. Some I am accomplishing.

In the past I have often recycled when I get to this place of pain. I was thinking of that today. What if I called him? I was stricken with horror. I know I would be begging and he would probably say no. I could hear his voice in my mind and I cringed. Odd how I want what now triggers and upsets me.

I have a piece of paper on my desk. It says, You Will Not Do This To Your Kids Anymore. That's my commitment. I should be saying I won't do it to myself but I'm not there yet.

[fromheeltoheal]

On the vision that exists outside the wilderness: My entire life I have dreamed of love. I wanted a healthy family. I got that with my kids. But I wanted a partner, a man who was able to embrace my history, my fears and flaws as well as my strengths. I thought I had found it with him and to have him not only reject that but to reject those parts of me just feels catastrophic.

Notice you're speaking in past tense here.  It's natural when you're detaching, and it hasn't been long, but just for fun take those sentences and phrase them in future tense.  That's the vision, if you want it to be, and it's something you can move towards instead of away from.

Do I make a vision then that doesn't have a partner? Do I focus on everything else I want to do? I do have lots of dreams and ideas outside of love. Some I am accomplishing.

The vision only needs to be empowering, some bliss to follow, whatever that is for you, and it requires that you be absolutely honest with yourself, which is also part of the fun.

I have a piece of paper on my desk. It says, You Will Not Do This To Your Kids Anymore. That's my commitment. I should be saying I won't do it to myself but I'm not there yet.

Hey, whatever works.  Kids are great leverage; parents will do anything for their kids.  And you can integrate yourself into that plan as fast as you can, and don't make yourself wrong for whatever pace you're moving.

[Grey Kitty]

If you will protect yourself some as a consequence of your commitment to protect your kids, that still works. You won't be the first person to do something that they have reason to believe they *should* have done it for themself, but actually did it for their kid(s) instead. Nothing wrong with that.

I'd also note that being sad for reasons that have nothing to do with your kids in front of your kids could be an opportunity--To let them know that adults can be sad, and can deal with being sad, and that it isn't always about them. (Take that from a non-parent with a grain of salt 'tho!)

As for how long it takes or how much more it hurts... .grief will come on its schedule. If it helps to know you have company, I'm about 13 months out from my wife's final departure, and doing much better today... .but I was still seriously hurting a month out myself.

I was just talking to a dear friend who just had a birthday. She (almost) wanted to thank her ex for giving her such an utterly miserable marriage that she left it (a few years ago), because her life today is so amazingly wonderful that she's overwhelmed by it... .and if she had been in a so-so marriage instead of a miserable one, would never have made all these changes in her life!

[HarleypsychRN]

HurtinNW,

Because of the effect they have on us, the discard is especially hard. I was a bit skeptical when I first considered the concept of "No Contact" (NC) but I now see that this is the only strategy that will enable us to heal. This includes stalking my ex-BPDs Facebook page.

She is witty, smart and popular... .everyone loves her posts and the more I looked at them the more hurt I became. A few weeks ago I decided I was no longer going to look at them. Even though she has not attempted to contact me... .I blocked her cell... .just in case. I began to see a therapist to work on... .me.

[patientandclear]

Hurt, a few things. First, I'm with you. I can tell I am objectively better. For months after the first break and months after subsequent breaks, I was functioning at maybe 15-20% of my normal capacity. I've been at 90% or higher for a long time now. Sometimes I note that I AM clearly doing "better." Objectively I have accomplished big things while my BPD r/ship has been shredding my heart (I can't even say how "far out" I am because I kept trying new arrangements with him because I couldn't get comfortable with it being over, so I have re-started this process several times). I have to think that being at 90% even if I am still ranging from sad to heartbroken to oozing pain ... .Still sets the table for conditions that may, finally, alleviate that sadness. For my life to change in ways that will make me truly happy, I have to be actually engaging in it, and at least, that is now true--and that IS a big change.

I still feel like my insides are a bleak desert, just a fairly functional one. And sometimes the pain and sadness is worse than that. This past weekend the pain was excruciating. Constant tears in my eyes as I went about my business. Weekends are especially hard.

Like you I don't quite know how to be excited about my life without the kind of partner you describe wanting. I had reconciled myself to no more men after a divorce from an abusive ex-H, and was genuinely happy for 5 years. Then BPDex came along and reminded me how much more joyous and fun it is to be loved by someone who gets me and finds me special and cherishes me. Then he proved not to be those things and left. Now I have a huge hole I didn't have before him and it does not seem likely to completely heal.

I have not turned completely away from him in my head and heart, and that may be why I can't truly open myself up to happiness without him. On my fifth therapist (and have done some really healing fantastic trauma recovery therapy strategies, lifespan integration and sensorimotor psychotherapy, which have been very strengthening re my decision-making and which I highly recommend) ... .happiness has been very slow to return, for me.

I have needed to avoid parentifying my kid. She used to say "you sad?" And I would say "yes," and explain a bit. Now I come up with some other explanation for the emotional state she is detecting (tired; or worried about a work deadline). She needs to know I am fundamentally OK.

So I range from pretty sad to ripped apart. But. I know the only way forward is forward. The BPD guy in my life is sort of unalterably opposed to my having self-respect and protecting my own interests. My boundaries are a challenge to be eroded and if I assert them he catastrophically cuts me off and punishes me severely. Also, he compartmentalizes and conceals important r/ships and feels me having feelings about any of that is controlling; and he actively misleads me and is really good at it. This is not salvageable.

So I guess the situation just calls for courage and the hope that things I cannot currently foresee may happen to make the picture lighter and more joyful. It is possible. That's all I can say.

I have the same question as you: am I supposed to imagine my happy future without a partner? That no longer does it for me in terms of healing this hurt. It sort of just deepens the hurt. I have lived a lot of my most productive years alone and the BPD r/ship brought home that I don't want the rest of my life to be like that. And yet ... .It may be.

I will say re the "kids" motivator: for me it was essential to find a motivation that was for/about me. The r/ship was for me, to make me feel good, and when people told me that staying away was necessary for me to be a good mom ... .While they may have been correct, in a strange way it accentuated my self-sacrificing qualities and my inner core rebelled. I wanted this for me, and if I was going to set it aside, I also needed to do it for me. I may not be happy but I WAS willing to listen to a very vulnerable part of myself that demanded that I protect her. That does motivate me even if I am not yet very happy.

[HurtinNW]

Thank you all!

I know I do need to do this for me. It is sort of hard to "own" that, to verbalize it. The relationship has severely traumatized me. My therapist says she can see the wounds, like burn marks.

My kids have seen me sad a lot these last four years—walked in on me crying, heard my ex berate me and storm out, all sorts of stuff I am ashamed I put us all through. I also don't want to parentify them and I think any more exposure to this relationship or my pain is on that path. They know I am working on me. For what it is worth, they are incredibly relieved he is gone and adamant he not return. They've commented I seem much happier when he is gone, which is funny because I am wracked with pain. At the same time I am no longer walking on eggshells and actively triggered all the time, so I am sure my affect and body language are a thousand times lighter.

In some ways I feel more "real" now than I did in the last four years.

I'm 48, a very young, healthy and active 48. I don't want to imagine the rest of my life without a partner. Yet it feels like that kind of love has eluded me. I carry a lot of shame over my core wounds and know I need to work on them to feel I am worth love and acceptance. But I also don't want to feel I can't be happy if I am single. I have friends who love being single. I'd love to get to that place where I enjoy being single.

About no contact: in the past I tried full no contact. A few times after really abusive discards when he gave me the silent treatment for weeks on end, I tried blocking his email and phone. It didn't work for me. I ended up obsessing (was he trying to reach me? Had he emailed me?). This time I am not trying to reach him in any way. I unfriended him from facebook so I can't follow him. But I haven't blocked anything. I think this is helping me because I have to confront that this man cares about my feelings so little he would break up with me again in an abusive rage, say awful things, and then leave me in the pain. It turns the focus back to me and how I am going to move forward.

I had a really bad night again, waking repeatedly after dreaming about him. I'm trying to find ways to soothe myself at night, but that's hard. The pain is really bad at night. And like patientandclear the weekends are the worst.

I am also not sure how to turn completely against him in my heart. My therapist is encouraging my anger. She thinks I need to really embrace being p*ssed as hell against him.

[Daniell85]

Just because you are angry at someone, doesn't mean you have to hate them. It's ok to be angry.

[HurtinNW]

I struggle with feeling angry. My mother was a very angry person, full of malice and blame. (like my ex... .hmmm). It's hard for me to know what healthy anger looks and feel like. I don't like feeling angry. It makes me feel ill inside, and heartsick, to get angry.

[Grey Kitty]

I struggle with feeling angry. My mother was a very angry person, full of malice and blame. (like my ex... .hmmm). It's hard for me to know what healthy anger looks and feel like. I don't like feeling angry. It makes me feel ill inside, and heartsick, to get angry.

I'm not saying you should enjoy feeling angry, but anger is indeed simply a feeling, and your feelings are never wrong. Feelings are neither good or evil. Anger isn't healthy or unhealthy in and of itself.

So feeling angry isn't wrong.

Further, feeling ill when you feel angry isn't wrong either!

Yes, your mom felt angry.

And your angry mom ACTED in ways that were cruel and horrible, many of which you were the victim of. Those actions were very unhealthy.

If you don't act on your anger at all, you have no chance of taking an unhealthy action! (This is always a good practice, just sitting with your feelings and not acting for a bit.)

And if you do choose to act on your anger, you may well channel that anger into something healthy... .that is your choice too.

[HurtinNW]

Good point, Grey Kitty.

I am afraid if I really felt my anger and hurt I will shake apart, it is so deep and strong.

I've been practicing naming my feels, especially when I ruminate. I'm also taking baby steps into just letting myself feel the feeling, even if it seems overwhelming.

I was the scapegoat in my family, and fighting back was punished, so anger for me has a lot of loaded memories. The association is getting angry is very dangerous and unsafe. I need to remind myself I am perfectly safe right now. I can feel as angry as I want.