My story with ex BPD and his new relationship..

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello everyone.

I was with my BPD ex for 19 months and then we finally broke up in May 2015. The relationship was rocky to say the least. Unfortunately, the feeling between us was so strong that when we bumped into each other in town and on my actual birthday (what a bad luck hey?) we reconciled... (Huge mistake!) Ever since then we were seeing each other on and off for another 5 months. It wasn't official anymore and he was basically seeing me only when there was nothing better out there for him... He was seeing other women in between and then coming back crying and saying how much he loved me and missed me...   I felt used, it delayed my healing process and totally knocked down my self esteem. But I was so in love with the guy... .and he was always saying he would go into treatment... .I was literally hearing it every week. Of course he never did.

In November 2015 I had enough and after a truly horrible, abusive evening at his, I shut the door behind me for the very last time and told him that was it. I knew he'd already met someone else and was actively setting up a date with her anyway. He pretended in front of his friends I wasn't in his life anymore, he acted single in front of her, but when I was seeing him he was telling me how much he loved me. Absolutely sickening. I know it now. Well I knew it then too... but I wanted to believe he would change... .

I went NC on him but because he owed me quite a lot of money I had to text in early December to remind him I needed it back. It led to 3 or 4 unnecessary phone conversations with a lot of apologizing/blaming/arguing etc... He was already actively seeing the new woman, yet he told me not to let go off him completely... Seriously? What the heck. Once I got all my money back I went NC again.

Then surprise, surprise 6 weeks later he sent me a whatsapp to comment on a photo I put on my FB (he unfriended me when I broke up with him, so obviously he kept stalking me). I ignored the message, but he wouldn't give up so I eventually replied. (Wrong again!) Because the messages between us were rather friendly and I felt more ok with the situation I agreed to meet him for a drink when he asked me... It went well, so we met again. I made it clear to him that I didn't want him back but that we could be friends. He then started saying his usual crap, that he missed me and that seeing me again reminds him how special I am etc... I told him to stop and forget that we would ever be together again. I still had feelings, of course, but I wasn't prepared to let him hurt me ever again. While meeting him 5 times during the next 2 weeks I realized that things were not so great with the new woman and that he wasn't sure if they were official or not. That made me think that he only contacted me because of that, and not because he truly cared and wanted to be my friend. I tried to silence that gut feeling though and within a few days he called me begging me to let him back into my life. He was crying, he said he would become all I ever wanted him to be, that he finally understood what an idiot he was and all that. I wanted to believe it. I really did... but I said NO. I was actually going on a date that night so politely told him to get off the phone with me as I wanted to get ready. He was trying to make me cancel my date and go on "the best date of my life" with him instead. I said no but agreed to call him couple of hours later when I was on the train. I called... he didn't answer. He called me back a minute later and with a very cold, official voice he said: "Hello M., why are you calling me? Is everything ok? I am with H now and I know you're going on a date so I believe there is no point in talking anymore" I was shell shocked! Numb. Angry... I stared sending him messages as it then got to me that they reconciled, that she was there with him and when she saw my name on his phone, she made him call me back to prove to her we were over. And so he did as he was told... He made me look like a desperate fool. What is worse, there never was an explanation why he did what he did, no apology. A week later he sent me a whatsapp saying: "Hi M, I want this to be the last time we are in contact, please can you assure me you will never bother me again and let's move on with our lives" Again, his poor attempt to make me say something to comfort his new woman and to make him look innocent. I didn't give it to him and I replied: "Weird that only a week ago you told me I was the love of your life and now you need me to say this. I can however assure you, I will not contact you ever again". He went mad and started sending me loads of messages asking me to remove the bit of him ever wanting me back etc... I finally blocked him as got tired of it all.

He has since been with the new woman, so it's been 3 months of their official relationship now and about 5 months since they began dating. He is 35 and she is 25... What hurts me the most is that I know he is treating her like a princess. I am over him, yet the wounds are still fresh and deep. He was treating me so badly most of the time... .We never really had that honeymoon phase as in between some good moments he would always put a lot of emotional abuse and drama. He met me when I was only 28 and widowed for 6 months, with a 1 year old child... I needed love and he would always excuse his bad behavior and treating me like a doormat on not being able to handle my situation, on it being too hard for him etc. But he had that amazing gift of being so affectionate, so cuddly... And I was clinging to those moments and so I kept being with him. I wasted 2 years of my life and my daughter is missing him a lot. She has a very strong need to have a father that she never really had as her real dad passed away when she was still a baby... and she's now 4 years old and I feel like I've wasted not only my time but also her time. Sadly, even though she never saw him after we broke up for the first time back in May 2015, she still remembers him and keeps asking about him. She even did yesterday... almost a year since she last saw him! It is so sad and I am struggling to stop thinking about it all. Knowing that he is treating his new woman so well and I know that he is for a fact makes me wonder why was I treated so badly then? He wants to move in with her soon. I heard from mutual friends he was never so in love before, that he's a changed man, doesn't drink anymore or do cocaine (which was always an issue when we were together) and that he's thinking of proposing to her. I don't get it all. I'm not jealous and I wish them well, but at the same time I'm struggling to believe he can be so different! Is it actually because he finally met the one? Or has he learnt from me as I really was so, so good to him, or is it a mask? She now seems to be getting the benefit of having the most loving, charming and generous man on the planet, while I knew the tightest, most selfish, self-centered and abusive version of him who would only take and never give. How is that possible? I know, I should probably stop thinking about it... but it's not easy. I wish I could stop. Also... how do I act when I bump into them. We live in such a small town. I've been avoiding going out and I try to spend my time elsewhere as I just fear face to face encounter with them. She thinks I'm an idiot who lost "prince charming" and moreover she is convinced that I was trying to win him back while they were already dating and she hates me now.

[Milka]

Hello everyone.

I was with my BPD ex for 19 months and then we finally broke up in May 2015. The relationship was rocky to say the least. Unfortunately, the feeling between us was so strong that when we bumped into each other in town and on my actual birthday (what a bad luck hey?) we reconciled... (Huge mistake!) Ever since then we were seeing each other on and off for another 5 months. It wasn't official anymore and he was basically seeing me only when there was nothing better out there for him... He was seeing other women in between and then coming back crying and saying how much he loved me and missed me...   I felt used, it delayed my healing process and totally knocked down my self esteem. But I was so in love with the guy... .and he was always saying he would go into treatment... .I was literally hearing it every week. Of course he never did.

In November 2015 I had enough and after a truly horrible, abusive evening at his, I shut the door behind me for the very last time and told him that was it. I knew he'd already met someone else and was actively setting up a date with her anyway. He pretended in front of his friends I wasn't in his life anymore, he acted single in front of her, but when I was seeing him he was telling me how much he loved me. Absolutely sickening. I know it now. Well I knew it then too... but I wanted to believe he would change... .

I went NC on him but because he owed me quite a lot of money I had to text in early December to remind him I needed it back. It led to 3 or 4 unnecessary phone conversations with a lot of apologizing/blaming/arguing etc... He was already actively seeing the new woman, yet he told me not to let go off him completely... Seriously? What the heck. Once I got all my money back I went NC again.

Then surprise, surprise 6 weeks later he sent me a whatsapp to comment on a photo I put on my FB (he unfriended me when I broke up with him, so obviously he kept stalking me). I ignored the message, but he wouldn't give up so I eventually replied. (Wrong again!) Because the messages between us were rather friendly and I felt more ok with the situation I agreed to meet him for a drink when he asked me... It went well, so we met again. I made it clear to him that I didn't want him back but that we could be friends. He then started saying his usual crap, that he missed me and that seeing me again reminds him how special I am etc... I told him to stop and forget that we would ever be together again. I still had feelings, of course, but I wasn't prepared to let him hurt me ever again. While meeting him 5 times during the next 2 weeks I realized that things were not so great with the new woman and that he wasn't sure if they were official or not. That made me think that he only contacted me because of that, and not because he truly cared and wanted to be my friend. I tried to silence that gut feeling though and within a few days he called me begging me to let him back into my life. He was crying, he said he would become all I ever wanted him to be, that he finally understood what an idiot he was and all that. I wanted to believe it. I really did... but I said NO. I was actually going on a date that night so politely told him to get off the phone with me as I wanted to get ready. He was trying to make me cancel my date and go on "the best date of my life" with him instead. I said no but agreed to call him couple of hours later when I was on the train. I called... he didn't answer. He called me back a minute later and with a very cold, official voice he said: "Hello M., why are you calling me? Is everything ok? I am with H now and I know you're going on a date so I believe there is no point in talking anymore" I was shell shocked! Numb. Angry... I stared sending him messages as it then got to me that they reconciled, that she was there with him and when she saw my name on his phone, she made him call me back to prove to her we were over. And so he did as he was told... He made me look like a desperate fool. What is worse, there never was an explanation why he did what he did, no apology. A week later he sent me a whatsapp saying: "Hi M, I want this to be the last time we are in contact, please can you assure me you will never bother me again and let's move on with our lives" Again, his poor attempt to make me say something to comfort his new woman and to make him look innocent. I didn't give it to him and I replied: "Weird that only a week ago you told me I was the love of your life and now you need me to say this. I can however assure you, I will not contact you ever again". He went mad and started sending me loads of messages asking me to remove the bit of him ever wanting me back etc... I finally blocked him as got tired of it all.

He has since been with the new woman, so it's been 3 months of their official relationship now and about 5 months since they began dating. He is 35 and she is 25... What hurts me the most is that I know he is treating her like a princess. I am over him, yet the wounds are still fresh and deep. He was treating me so badly most of the time... .We never really had that honeymoon phase as in between some good moments he would always put a lot of emotional abuse and drama. He met me when I was only 28 and widowed for 6 months, with a 1 year old child... I needed love and he would always excuse his bad behavior and treating me like a doormat on not being able to handle my situation, on it being too hard for him etc. But he had that amazing gift of being so affectionate, so cuddly... And I was clinging to those moments and so I kept being with him. I wasted 2 years of my life and my daughter is missing him a lot. She has a very strong need to have a father that she never really had as her real dad passed away when she was still a baby... and she's now 4 years old and I feel like I've wasted not only my time but also her time. Sadly, even though she never saw him after we broke up for the first time back in May 2015, she still remembers him and keeps asking about him. She even did yesterday... almost a year since she last saw him! It is so sad and I am struggling to stop thinking about it all. Knowing that he is treating his new woman so well and I know that he is for a fact makes me wonder why was I treated so badly then? He wants to move in with her soon. I heard from mutual friends he was never so in love before, that he's a changed man, doesn't drink anymore or do cocaine (which was always an issue when we were together) and that he's thinking of proposing to her. I don't get it all. I'm not jealous and I wish them well, but at the same time I'm struggling to believe he can be so different! Is it actually because he finally met the one? Or has he learnt from me as I really was so, so good to him, or is it a mask? She now seems to be getting the benefit of having the most loving, charming and generous man on the planet, while I knew the tightest, most selfish, self-centered and abusive version of him who would only take and never give. How is that possible? I know, I should probably stop thinking about it... but it's not easy. I wish I could stop. Also... how do I act when I bump into them. We live in such a small town. I've been avoiding going out and I try to spend my time elsewhere as I just fear face to face encounter with them. She thinks I'm an idiot who lost "prince charming" and moreover she is convinced that I was trying to win him back while they were already dating and she hates me now.

[Tomacini]

Don't worry Milka, it's only a matter of time before that other relationship collapses and he shows his true colors. You see, they don't change (unless they go in therapy which i take from your story he doesnt)

Maybe she doesnt trigger him as much as you did. But bear in mind: they only get triggered by people they are close to, since they trigger their fear of abandonment.

[Milka]

Hi Tomacini. Thank you for your message. This is exactly what the reasonable part of me is telling me as well... But then I just can't stop thinking what if he actually found his true love and hence why he is treating her so well.

He was saying he truly loved me which I now believe was a massive lie as otherwise I can not possibly explain why he was being so horrible and hurtful  to me most of the time. But perhaps he really loves her as I never got the treatment she is getting. He is basically being to her the way I was being to him. Feels so unfair.

[Tomacini]

How do you kniw he's treating her so well? You dont know what happens between the walls.

And yes, he did love you when he said that but only in that moment. He treated you badly because thats just the way BPD is. You probably triggered him a lot but dont beat yourself up for it.

Found his true love? Yes if she is perfect and well, no human is. At least not in the long run. He will find fault with her and then the devaluation begins... .

[bunny4523]

I would have to agree with Tomacini.  It is only a matter of time.  Try not to focus on him too much.  If you run into them you smile and say hello and make an excuse to get going.  You have a secret, you know something she doesn't know.  You dodged that bullet.  Enjoy the time he is pre-occupied and focus on healing yourself while his focus is elsewhere.  You are out now and can be free from him ever hurting you again - she will figure it out in time and I feel for her once she starts putting together the signs.  It's a horrible place to be and I don't wish it on anyone. But you are on the other side now... .When she figures it out, she will remember your smile and wonder how strong you must be to get out from underneath that.  Only then will she realize the secret you held and meaning of that smile... . Wondering if she will ever be able to smile like that again after what she has been through.  

It reminds me of being at work.  If there is a lousy co-worker who the company wishes would find another job.  You don't dare give a bad review when the new company calls for references... .otherwise you will be stuck with them. You give them a good reference and get them away from you.  

[once removed]

hi milka and

im glad you found us. i can understand the self doubt youre experiencing, i think many of us arrive here with similar feelings. when my breakup happened, i asked all of my friends and family the same question. what if the new guy was special, or could handle it, what if my ex had gotten better and this relationship could work out?

with time, i arrived at the point of "okay. what if? we were wrong for each other, and i was unhappy. no what ifs about that." perhaps worth noting it did not work out, and i was pretty shocked to hear what i later found out. as tomacini said, its hard to know what happens between any two people behind closed doors.

how can he be so different? people with BPD lack a stable sense of self, and gain a sense of self through attachments to others. its an insecure, unstable, fusion of fantasy. i never saw my ex outwardly change more than with the guy that came after me; her friends were very aware, and as a result they were raged at and banished.

as for running into them? things are raw right now, so i can see why youd want to avoid it. its generally good progress when we can get back into our normal routine, but best if we proceed at our own pace, no need for too much too soon. i like bunny4523s idea, smile, say hello, carry on. it sounds like youve acted with integrity so far

welcome again, milka. youre in the right place  

[Herodias]

I know the feeling... .we have been through hell and they want us to believe that we were the cause- Don't believe it! It's always good in the beginning. I am sure now that my stbx has been with his gf for a year and a baby due in a month, she is starting to see the real him. I saw him do it with her on the beginning, but she was so love-bombed, she was blind to it. Everyone here promises me they don't change without help and even with help it takes years... .I believe them. Don't be fooled into it being just the way he was with you and now he is so perfect. That's what he wants you to think. Mine did too. Sorry for your daughter. She will need to be told somehow that he is not a good person after all. This way she doesn't make those mistakes in the future. I would get some advice here on how to handle it. In the meantime-be strong-start to be happy you are out.

[semantics]

Sorry for your daughter. She will need to be told somehow that he is not a good person after all. This way she doesn't make those mistakes in the future. I would get some advice here on how to handle it. In the meantime-be strong-start to be happy you are out.

I'm late to this thread but wanted to comment on handling this with your daughter. Mine knew my BPD partner starting at your daughter's age, 4 years old. She favors her father (who divorced me the year before) and has always resented the potential stepdad, especially as she grows older. At first this seemed like loyalty to her own dad but in the past two terrible years I simply got that her childhood, despite divorce, has been so safe and supported that she can't stand or handle the BPD's gross misbehavior. Since 2014 she has outright hated him on my behalf and finally told me this last spring, at only 10 years old.

There's now seven years of history with him and despite her feelings, she knows I dearly loved him and wanted him as husband. He and I were LDR and separated concretely by our coparenting agreements with first spouses. But we were in constant contact and spent our nonparenting time together, and she knows this loss for me has been catastrophic, even as she privately is glad he's gone. She knows how his behaviors fluctuated and how he hurt me.

It's taken the better part of a year to find my right narratives about all this, and you will find yours. Your girl may not be able to grasp the nuances or depths but as you yourself find peace in the separation from chaos, she will feel that from you and if she is anything like mine, may seek to rejoice and enhance that for and with you.

My own father left when I was 3, and never returned, and was killed in a violence when I was 10. I wasn't supported through any of it and so I have my own terrors of abandonment. I've informed my daughter of some of my history in age appropriate language since she was 4 or 5. They understand the basics if you put it to them very simply; you can elaborate if they ask or as they get older and you feel it can be presented as a life lesson you learned.

If she is having trouble right now, you could try a visit or two with a kind child therapist. And if she is grieving, allow her to grieve. The child therapists seem to do a lot of processing through play, letting the child speak about anything while they just sit and play a game or build something together, or maybe draw. I did a lot of divorce grief work in play doh or Fimo clay, and in the past few years of BPD tumult, sometimes I just draw art instead of saying it in words. Sit down with her and cuddle her on your lap in front of crayons or paint and some clean white paper. And listen to her heart and colors. She'll tell you somehow what she needs to hear from you.

We have so much art from the divorce period, and it's all beautiful. As their parents, it's our important job to teach them how to process and handle and regulate their emotions. At her age she is still largely pre verbal and doesn't have precise words for her feelings. You can provide some of those and just confirm to her that it is ok to feel sad, disappointed, confused, lonely, worried, upset, hurt, and angry -- and still also feel love, gratitude, joyfulness, and hope. That it's ok and safe to remember, and ok and safe also to forget. And that it's not her fault or even really yours. That some people make decisions we don't understand, and even if they are gone and it hurts and we want them to come back, life is still beautiful and ok.

Because her father enacted divorce in an exact repeat of my own childhood timeline, I knew to always support her best versions of him when she was happy, and not to castigate him when she was not. Just, to allow and acknowledge and help her identify and get words for her feelings, and to show her the simple ways to cope.

You're doing well, mama; I know this situation has hurt you very much. And I know what it's like to worry for our beautiful girls. I know you will do fine. It may take years for her to understand why this father figure had to go, but you're in prime seat to assure her she is lovable. What I've found is that as I assure my child, I also find the love to assure my own self. I hope that happens for you, too.

Sometimes the children, even this young, understand it all more wisely than we do. Simplify the story to its most basic and least harmful, and you'll both be ok. Let your mother daughter bond deepen, not over this topic but aside from it. She's in a role to really teach you how to live.

[Milka]

Thought I would give you some update on my situation. I know many people who had similar experiences never get to find out what had happened to the new relationship in the end... I did.

It's been 6 months since I posted about it. They were only together for 3 months before everything started going horribly wrong. They split up for good just over a month ago after still being on/off for a further 3 months (sounds familiar hey?  I stupidly accepted him back into my life (only as a friend this time) when they started having problems. My nature sadly didn't let me tell him to **** off and instead I found myself comforting him! (I know, absolute fool!) But I thought that since I didn't love him anymore, I could just hang out with him occasionally as we still had this unexplainable connection that always made us feel like we were soulmates... even if it was after months of not talking. Perhaps this is part of the BPD which makes them extremely alluring and able to pull us back in for whatever reason no matter how much pain they caused in the past. So I was seeing him for a while but made it clear that I did not want him back. He seemed ok with it yet he wouldn't stop trying to touch me, to kiss me, he would ask if I could ever give him a chance, he would tell me how the relationship with her made him realize what he lost with me and that by being my friend he would prove to me how much he's changed and that we could still be together and that he still loved me... I had my guard up all the time and kept telling him there was no hope even though deep down some of the feelings started coming back with each meeting, even though I wouldn't tell him about it. I wasn't prepared to start again as I felt like his second best, I felt he was using me just to get over the other woman. We were having a good time together as the pressure of the relationship wasn't there so he had no reason to be horrible to me. Moreover I was his target again! As you might expect I was right and he wasn't any different, it was all a mask, he was using me as he always felt at peace with me and needed me there to prevent him from going crazy thinking about the failed relationship with her. How did I find out? We met last Sunday evening, just for an hour or so. We were parked in the same car park and as I walked to my car I noticed he wasn't driving off just yet. Something told me that he was up to something again and I drove around the corner and waited for him to drive off. When he did I followed him and he went to see her. For the first time in over a month of no contact he went there. I challenged him about it, he lied initially. Then I said that I saw him and he went crazy! He started ringing me and 2 hours later he parked his car on my drive and refused to go home unless I came down to talk to him. I didn't. He was leaving me voicemails that it was only one meeting to get the closure from her, that he kept thinking about it and he needed the closure to move on. He insisted that even though I told him I never wanted him back, he would show me that I can trust him again and change my mind. At some point after the avalanche of messages and voicemails I fell asleep... then I woke up at 4am and he was still there! Then I woke up again just after 7am and he was gone. He spent the whole time on Monday and Tuesday whatsapping me to convinve me he would never see her again, that he would never lie to me anymore. He begged me to meet him on Wednesday, I refused. So he drove all the way to my town ( he has moved out of here 2 weeks ago and now lives 2 hours away which is a blessing!) and said he was going to stay at his aunts house for the night and that if I changed my mind he would love the opportunity to see me and explain. I wasn't going to but as I was driving home from work just after 6pm I had a car pulling out right in front of me... bad luck for him as it was him with her in the car right there in front of me! God his expression was priceless. That was the moment that tipped me over the edge. I was driving back home furious and told myself one thing. This poor woman has to know! I messaged him as soon as I got in and he replied saying "I'm seeing her one last time to end things, I will tell her this is it, I was actually going to see you straight after to tell you that I want you" Can you believe it? I just replied that I didn't believe a word he says anymore and that he'd better enjoy himself as I would tell her everything. He panicked. He went round hers and was shouting at her till 4 in the morning for not wanting him and having no feelings and all sorts. He then told her all about seeing me as I told him it would be better coming from him as I was going to message her anyway. He went furious but I knew it was the right thing to do, I couldn't let him play her, pull her back in and at the same time try to convince me that I was the one. I texted her the next morning which was yesterday... She said she was going to message me herself. We told each other everything. He was playing both of us. He was telling her he loved her, he was telling me he loved me. Then he realised that he would never win me back so he started telling me that he lied, that he didn't want me back, that he wanted her and he was stringing me along to see if maybe there was still anything there and keep his options open. He was switching from apologizing for hurting me once again and saying how amazing I have been to him, to being extremely angry and telling me that I have no right to speak to her. He became desperate to try to win her back. Thankfully she isn't stupid. We showed each other some messages, we both had evidence there. We both are gobsmacked what an evil person he is. He knows how to be the most charming person in the world, he is able to manipulate so well, to play a victim like nobody else, be extremely convincing, produce tons of fake tears, but at the same time he is heartless and will do absolutely anything to have what he needs. It's sad in a way. He lost her, he now lost me even as a friend, he lost his job 2 months ago and had to move out of his place... he has nothing. Me and her are meeting next week for the first time, who knows maybe there is some friendship to be gained from all of it... He has blocked both of us on Facebook and is now spreading horrible things about both of us... but I believe people are not stupid enough to believe him. At least this time I am not hurt as my love for him has been gone for a while, but it still makes me so angry to realise I was such a nice friend to him and he just couldn't stop himself from creating chaos once again. He lost everything for his own lies, even though he would surely say that I blew it all out of proportion. Something he always says. I'm glad I had the chance to tell H everything about him, everything that I had to hide for all these months, I even told her about how he was begging me to take him back just days before starting the relationship with her. She said she'd wished we'd done it all much sooner, and I agree, I should have messaged her months ago.

[Milka]

Yesterday before he blocked me on Facebook I noticed in my neewsfeed that he became friends with his other ex. Today I had it confirmed he has spent the last 2 night at her place! She's the ex from few years before me who he hurt a lot and cheated on her and now she's battling cancer. I can't believe this leach managed to work his way back into her life just like this! Imagine he wanted me on Wednesday, wanted H on Thursday and spent Thursday night and Friday with A! Is this a normal BPD behaviour? How can he be such an evil person and get away with it! This poor woman has cancer! Sure he told her how badly he got treated by me and H and that we are two horrible witches who hurt poor K as otherwise I cannot see how he managed to convince her to let him in? I know he is there from his mum as since losing his job he moved in with her and he hasn't been back home for 3 nights now. She texted me on Thursday night to ask if he was at mine begging for apology once more and I said no way! So she later texted me that he told her he was at A probably thinking that I was worried about him. I find it so disgusting and don't know what to do. I can't help feeling full of anger as he just has to pay for what he's been doing and he seems to be doing bloody well for himself instead! Are all BPD people that evil? And he keeps saying he's a decent person just a fool with his heart! What?
 

[Confused108]

Welcome to the world of BPD.  Yes this is what they do. My ex triedbroping me back in a few years ago. So when I didn't take her bait ... .at that time she jumped on the next warm body she could find. She discarded me last Sept.  went back to her ex boyfriend whom she plays and didn't last long but now that the same ex boyfriend was in a date with a new girl the other night my ex was worming her way back into his life. It's what they do.

[Milka]

Thank you Confused108. You're right. I have known him for over 3 years now. He has been doing it to every woman he got into a relationship with. It is so sad and at the same makes me angry as I was talking to him about it numerous times and he always acknowledged how wrong it is, how he clearly isn't normal and needs help. And then he never goes to get that help. He just keeps doing the same thing over and over again. At 36 I wonder if there is any hope for him still? I don't believe he will ever get into any sort of therapy as he is too lazy and too unbothered to do anything about it. He just thinks it will go away on its own when he finally meets the right person! The blame is always elsewhere. Hate to know that he's hurting everyone and will keep doing it. Hate to know that there is this lovely part of him (or am I deluded here and he is all bad?) which will never find happiness because of the evil heartless part. Oh I just wish I never met him.

[bestintentions]

I'm not sure what this says about me but I took some pleasure in reading your story, Milka.  It was actually refreshing to hear about a master manipulator having to go through some discomfort and you were able to witness it and see it for what it is.  Most of us have to make our own closure in these r/s.

[Milka]

Bestintentions, yes I understand what you mean and this is why I decided to share the rest of my story. I will probably have more to add to it at some point unless he miraculously disappears and I never ever hear about him again. It's weird because part of me feels bad for him, also I feel bad for myself as there was something about him that I loved dearly and what still prevents me from falling in love with anyone else. But I do find a lot of comfort and satisfaction in what has happened recently, I feel much better knowing that his most recent ex doesn't think I'm the evil one and that she knows the truth about him. What is killing me though is that I know he's not stopping there and he will do all he can to twist the story to make me and his most recent ex look bad.

[Confused108]

Milks Do NOT let this guy back in. Trust me it will not end well. I did the same thing with my ex. We were teenage loves and my mom broke us up at 14 and my ex became what she is today.BPD. She is NOt the same girl I fell in love with back in 1987. She is a total monster and manipulator. Does not care who she hurts along the way. As long as her needs are meet that's all that matters. Run and close that door behind you. Unless they get help they will continue on this path of destroying others. Trust me. I was friends with my ex since 12yo and after our break up she painted me Black for over 20 years. Came back after 26 years and I feel for her lies after 2 1/2 years friends on FB. Then all the crazy behavior started. The push/ pull I love u I don't. Lies lies and more lying! Then discarded me after a tiny disagreement that made no sense. Run bc they don't change.

[Milka]

Confused108, You're totally right. I do not have any intentions of ever having him back in my life. After the breakup I promised myself never to be with him again... .Allowed him back some months later but not as my boyfriend anymore, just as a friend. He betrayed me and used me just the same. There is nothing left for us to try. He just burnt his last bridge. Now I need to fully process and accept that Im never going to see him again and never going to spend time with him. It feels surreal as even though he is a horrible, evil, selfish and disrespectful person, I am somehow regretting and fantasising about what we could have had if only he was different as I recognise the special connection that we have. Is it possible that it's not actually there and it's his disorder that makes it possible for him to adapt and pretend in a way to make me think that it is? I must say that as crazy as it sounds I loved him so much even though nobody ever hurt me like he did and he was the worst boyfriend that I ever had! I still worry that I may not meet anyone who will make me fall in love so deeply. I guess I have to accept that though as I am not willing to forgive him what he just did to me again and I surely cannot have him poisoning my life anymore.

[fromheeltoheal]

It feels surreal as even though he is a horrible, evil, selfish and disrespectful person, I am somehow regretting and fantasising about what we could have had if only he was different as I recognise the special connection that we have. Is it possible that it's not actually there and it's his disorder that makes it possible for him to adapt and pretend in a way to make me think that it is?

It was there Milka, at the deepest level, until it wasn't.  It's not that the disorder makes it possible, it makes it mandatory: a borderline doesn't have a fully formed self of their own, so someone with the disorder needs to attach to someone to feel whole, not in an cutesy "you complete me" way, but in an unhealthy fusing of psyches to create one "self" way.  And so, to affect that attachment, borderlines get expert at mirroring the good they see in someone, and to not only attach, but to take on that good as their own.  It's not malicious mind you, and a borderline couldn't articulate it like that, it's just shows up as feelings, but the resulting attachment is at the deepest level, the point where there is no line between people.  The problem is that is inherently unstable, and a borderline will then fear both abandonment and engulfment, which we all do to some extent but for someone without a self of their own it's extreme, and those fears motivate the push/pull behavior, which triggers our stuff, so everyone's triggered in the relationship.

So yes, the behaviors in response to those feelings can be labeled horrible, evil, and selfish, and can be disrespectful, and when we understand where they come from it can clear up the confusion at least, which is half the battle, the other half being using what was uncovered in us in the relationship to learn and grow; how's that going for you?

[Milka]

Thank you Fromheeltoheal.

What do you think about them saying malicious and hurtful things? I have noticed that when he desperately wants something or someone he will be as cruel and horrible as it takes to get what he wants regardless of how much his words and actions can hurt another person. For example just days ago my ex said to his most recent ex (immediately after he got caught seeing her and me at the same time) that the reason he was seeing me was just to enable him to cope after the breakup wih her, that I was nothing but a tool enabling him to survive, that whatever he said to me was all lies, that he was just using me and stringing me along to keep his options open and that he only truly wanted her and not me. Hours before that he said to me that he was seeing her one last time to tell her it was over and then he intended to ask me to give him another chance and to be with him again. What sort of person does that? Later, when I told him that I didn't believe a word he said, in a desperate attempt to win her back he said to me that he lied about his feelings for me, that he just needed me as he was lonely after being rejected by her, and that if only she took him back he would leave me immediately as he would always choose her over me. They are horrible and hurtful words and even though for weeks prior to that he was convincing me that the opposite was the truth, this time, probably for the first time ever I actully believe him! I do believe that he was consciously using me and every time he said he loved me he didn't mean that at all. I'm absolutely sure the day will come when he tries to get hold of me again and convince me that he didn't mean it and that he does actually love me as it all happened before. But then what he does is a fully conscious manipulation of a horrible person, which does not go in line with the theory that when BPD people say they love us they actually mean it at the time of saying it... .What does it make him then? If not a crazy BPD person then perhaps he is the biggest prick in the world, or maybe he is both?

[fromheeltoheal]

I understand Milka, the behaviors of a borderline can be extremely hurtful.  The core reason, the need to attach, is not malicious, it's just a need, but then you put everything on top of it, that comes out of it, and there can be a number of reasons:

-He's in pain so he's going to share it
-Retribution for a perceived wrong
-Emotional immaturity and the corresponding selfishness
-Black and white thinking; someone is either all good or all bad
-Impulsive behavior in response to fear of abandonment
-Maybe other reasons?

Anger is a normal response to abuse, disrespect and ill treatment, and is a stage of grieving the loss of the relationship.  Helpful questions at this point are how can you use this?  What meanings, beliefs and knowledge can you take from this that will help you moving forward?  What was good about the relationship that you can take with you?  What are you no longer willing to tolerate?

[Milka]

Yes many valid points here. He surely is in pain as his most recent ex rejected him before he had enough time to get bored of her and to treat her like dirt. This is why he thinks she is the one he loves right now, he probably convinces himself she is the true love, but I know it's just his desire to win her and not a real feeling. He can't cope with being rejected. His selfishness is something that has always been the major contributor to his actions and decisions. He will say and do absolutely anything if that means he can get what he wants, even if he is going to twist it all and say everything was a lie just moments later in order to achieve a different goal. His goals keep changing depending on which one is able to satisfy his selfishness and boost his ego at the time.

You are very right about anger being a normal response to abuse. This time round I'm not hurt as I don't love him or want him anymore, yet it still didn't stop me from getting very angry, furious even when I found out he was seeing both of us at the same time. It's funny how he can always push my buttons like nobody else can. What will I take from this? I will move on, some bitterness will probably always remain, the scars will always be there, but I am not having him poisoning my life any further. It is him who is losing everything and everyone, not me. I'm only losing him. He will create the same chaos again and again and will never find true happiness. I wish I could prevent him from hurting other people, but I do realize I can't do anything to stop him. He's been known to hurt women for the past 18 years or so, surely I am not going to change it even though there were times in our 2 years together when I though I was the one to help him get better, it almost became my mission to help him out. I was an absolute fool for thinking that. These people never change and nobody can convince me otherwise.

[Milka]

Last night I met up with his most recent ex. Had a great evening sipping wine and discussing the past few months of our lives. Oh boy how he was playing us! When we put all the bits together we realized he would sometimes see us on the same day going from me straight to her or the other way round! What really made us laugh was that on Wednesday 2 weeks ago he took me to the cinema... on Wednesday last week he took her to the cinema and watched exactly the same movie with her. Apparently he was pretty good at pretending he'd never seen it before 

It was nice to find out that she is not an evil, unstable, narcissistic monster and player like he wanted me to believe she was, and she felt relieved to realize that I'm not the crazy woman who always plotted how to win him back throughout their relationship and who wouldn't stop texting him when they were together! :D

One thing that still leaves us puzzled is what was he trying to achieve and why. We both didn't want him back and kept seeing him as a friend only. He was telling both of us how much he loved us and was probably hoping that one of us would eventually fall into his trap and get recycled... but then what would he had done if we both took him back? Would I be his GF on odd days and she would be the GF on even days? Or would he discard one of us then. I just can't get my head round it.

Please help me not to fall into any of his traps ever again! I just need to hear he's a monster as one thing I worry about is that one day, whether its in a month or a year, he might come back begging for forgiveness and I will once again try to be his friend. I'm not worried about getting back with him as I'm completely over it now, but I still like something about him (why?) and worry that I might once again end up in his friend-zone which he totally doesn't deserve and I should never let him again. Today I feel confident I won't ever talk to him again but when the anger subsides I worry that if he reaches out to me, I will talk to him as for some stupid reason I still see some good in him and like his company. I just don't understand why.

[Confused108]

Do not and I mean do not let him back in at all. You can't be even friends with these types of people. Trust me I was there . It does not end well at all. Also you have your child to think about. It's not just you.  Having this type of ill person in and out of your life not good for her. I know you did care /love this guy but the reality is he is a very ill man. Mentally ill. Unless he gets help and sticks with it he will always be just that. A mentally ill man.

[Milka]

Thank you very much Confused. That's exactly what I needed to hear and I shall repeat it like a mantra!

Just to put your mind at rest, I have been keeping my daughter out of it since we broke up for the first time back in May 2015. I wouldn't ever let her get attached to him again.

[Confused108]

I know what your going thru I do. When my ex came back after over 26 years and told me she still loved me I was on cloud 9. Then the push / pull the lies all the traits of BPD and after 2 months discarded me like a piece of trash. No tears, no remorse, no caring. Nothing. Just wanted me out of her life just as quickly as she came back into mine. Don't ever let them back in.

[Milka]

I know what your going thru I do. When my ex came back after over 26 years and told me she still loved me I was on cloud 9. Then the push / pull the lies all the traits of BPD and after 2 months discarded me like a piece of trash. No tears, no remorse, no caring. Nothing. Just wanted me out of her life just as quickly as she came back into mine. Don't ever let them back in.

I'm so sorry Confused. It is so scary that they come back into our lives to create chaos and even more damage. Wonder if they ever forget about us and just disappear once and for good.