I could really use some advice.

[JeremyTheGreat]

Hello everyone,

   This is my first post regarding my situation. I was in a relationship with a wonderful woman that had a terrible childhood. She was abused sexually by her father and her mother knew but did nothing to help. Her father went to prison twice in his life, once for murder and again after he impregnated her older sister. Her mother became addicted to drugs while he was away and when she was busted for prostitution my ex girlfriend was put into foster care at 13. She was diagnosed with radical attachment disorder around that time.

      My ex was honest and upfront about all of this during our first couple dates. I thought it showed confidence about who she was and she wasn't ashamed of where she came from. After dating for a few months she became pregnant with my child( November ). We weren't very careful because she said she was told after her first child she couldn't get pregnant and when she had before it ended up in a miscarriage. The daughter that she did have is severely autistic and requires constant supervision. The baby's father was abusive towards my ex and was never around for his daughter.

    Every seemed great until she became pregnant but afterwards things between us have become difficult to say the least. She has a lot of the traits that a person with BPD would have. Very emotional, either loves me or hates me, accuses me of infidelity constantly, says nasty things to me and the next day is totally different.

     We broke up in January for about two weeks but on my birthday we started to try to work it out and we were still trying to in the beginning of April but it never really got back to good. Her daughters father has came back into the picture now and is around all the time. When her daughter was born my ex girlfriend got full parental rights so when he wants to visit it's only at me ex's home. He is very manipulative and has convinced her that he is only there to help since I'm not. Also he does not like me even though we have never spoken. Since he doesn't like me he will only come over when I'm not around. My ex is all about her daughter and always has been. It's one of the qualities I love about her. I knew nothing about BPD and I can say that I definitely did everything wrong I could have if I wanted to fix things. I was jealous of him being there when I wasn't so I gave him or me ultimatums. I walked away from her when she made it clear that she would not stop her ex from being there when I wasn't.

    I just recently started learning about BPD and I can see things so much clearer now. She put me on a pedestal early in the relationship and I loved it. But of course I couldn't live up to the image she had of me so our relationship took a nose dive. Also she says i never really knew the real her which may have been true in January when she said it. I'm sure I have triggered her abandonment issues more than once because I didn't know they existed. I also started walking on eggshells around her and not being true to myself.

   That brings me up to the present. I love her. I am willing to learn everything I can to help her. I would like to get back together with her so we can raise our child as a family. However if there is no hope for us as a couple I'm nervous about how things will be for our child. She has made it clear that she does not want the child to ever stay at my house. She has gone so far as to say the only way I will visit my child is at her house like the first child's father does. If I want something different she says i will need a court order. All of this was said in a conversation not an argument if that makes a difference. I am nervous about how she will cope with a newborn and her 4yr old autistic child alone. The autistic child and I became close and I love her very much but she is unpredictable. She will hurt herself, breaks anything Glass she can get her hands on, will dump out anything liquid or powder all over everything if not under constant supervision. She will also hurt her mother if she becomes upset by biting, hitting and kicking. She is not potty trained so she will kick my ex when she is being changed and has hit her stomach a few times.

   I don't know where I was going with all of this other than one really could use some outside opinions as to what my options are and where I really stand in this relationship. Like I said I want to work it out with her if at all possible and I am willing to put in the effort to learn how to cope with her disorder.

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[livednlearned]

Welcome and hello  

It sounds like she had a horrific childhood, and no surprise she has trouble with attachment in romantic relationships. It sounds like you, too, have been through a lot, with more to come: having a child while there is an ex BF lingering in the wings, who also has a special needs child. Complicated!

You have a little bit of time to work on communication skills and other things to help ground you before your child arrives. That will help a lot. It's a good idea to investigate your options about how things will go after the baby is born. She may feel overwhelmed and need all the help she can get, and at the same time, her hormones may be on tilt and her moods may fluctuate minute by minute. What can be complicated for people with BPD, and perhaps RAD as well, is the need for help and at the same time resist feeling controlled.

Have you tried any of the validation skills with her? That's a good place to start.

[JeremyTheGreat]

Thank you livednlearned. I've started to apply the validation techniques per your suggestion. It seems to have opened a path for communication with her. I have a lot to learn but this has been a great first step.

[livednlearned]

It's probably a good place to start, to at least build a solid path that you can travel on when conversations inevitably escalate.

How do you see her symptoms/traits of RAD similar or different to BPD?