Groomed to be the replacement and General Replacement Talk

[5tarla]

How many of you were aware of your exBPD that they were slowly trying to prepare themselves for the inevitable or the just in case by grooming someone to be their next partner? My ex was doing this and I didn't realize it, because she would talk bad about the girl she was grooming, and blamed it on the other chick, saying she was 'flirting' with her, but low and below maybe days or at the very most weeks after we stopped talking she began seeing this girl who 'has crazy eyes' and 'is too happy go lucky'. Not going to lie, that's one of the things that grinds my gears the most about my healing process is finding out stuff like that and being proven right. Thankfully, I found out they didn't work out and now my ex is pining away after her, guessing my ex is not the one that cut things off. That's what she gets.

[C.Stein]

Oddly enough, it was April last year when I believe my ex started grooming/getting involved with my replacement.  I saw the signs, at least subconsciously I did, but I didn't want to admit to myself that's what was happening.  

[5tarla]

Oddly enough, it was April last year when I believe my ex started grooming/getting involved with my replacement.  I saw the signs, at least subconsciously I did, but I didn't want to admit to myself that's what was happening.  

So you didn't call them out or anything?

[Mutt]

It's likely that she feels a lot of shame for her behaviors and is projecting them on the other girl. My ex wife had checked out in the last year of living together and I think that there's a point where she didn't care anymore and that's when I started picking up clues that there was an affair going on. That said, I didn't believe it because I trusted her too much.

I felt so much anger towards both of them because they were living a double life and it destroyed my family. Family life has improved a lot without my ex wife in the picture, it's just the kids and I, I can focus my attention on them without the constant drama and feeling like I'm walking on eggshells.  

My ex wife doesn't healthily grieve the loss of a relationship and she likely feels bad for failing at our marriage. She has a lot of unresolved issues and her current partner is probably going to have it worst than I did when they break-up. I'm just glad that I'm out  

[balletomane]

Starla, your post was very helpful for me, thank you. I'm not sure whether my ex consciously 'groomed' women, but he was never out of a relationship for long before he dived head-first into the next, and he seemed willing to date almost anyone who would accept him - I think his anxieties meant that he was always looking for the next partner, the next comfort blanket.

He and I ended up together because I guessed he was interested and made the first move. Later he told me that he had never expected to have a relationship with me because he thought I wasn't into him. Having decided that I was unlikely to be interested, he just focused his attention on others. Now I know that it didn't exactly matter which others, providing there was someone. In our relationship, when he'd had enough of me, he moved onto someone else without a second thought. While I thought he had been attracted to me in my own right, in reality I was just one of many possible relationships (towards the discard, he even showed me the video of Tim Minchin singing 'If it wasn't you, somebody else would do'.

When he started sharing a house with two women I knew he was likely to get together with one of them, just because they were around. So although I was devastated when I was finally replaced, it wasn't out of nowhere. Even if he doesn't set women up like this on purpose, it's definitely a pattern with him.

[5tarla]

Starla, your post was very helpful for me, thank you. I'm not sure whether my ex consciously 'groomed' women, but he was never out of a relationship for long before he dived head-first into the next, and he seemed willing to date almost anyone who would accept him - I think his anxieties meant that he was always looking for the next partner, the next comfort blanket.

He and I ended up together because I guessed he was interested and made the first move. Later he told me that he had never expected to have a relationship with me because he thought I wasn't into him. Having decided that I was unlikely to be interested, he just focused his attention on others. Now I know that it didn't exactly matter which others, providing there was someone. In our relationship, when he'd had enough of me, he moved onto someone else without a second thought. While I thought he had been attracted to me in my own right, in reality I was just one of many possible relationships (towards the discard, he even showed me the video of Tim Minchin singing 'If it wasn't you, somebody else would do'.

When he started sharing a house with two women I knew he was likely to get together with one of them, just because they were around. So although I was devastated when I was finally replaced, it wasn't out of nowhere. Even if he doesn't set women up like this on purpose, it's definitely a pattern with him.

Yeaaah. When I was in contact with my ex and she was called out on the specific girl she had replaced me with that she told me she didn't like, she acted like there was no basis for anything I was saying. It's crazy that your ex was so bold with telling you exactly what he does by using that song.

I'm glad I could help with my post btw

[balletomane]

Yeaaah. When I was in contact with my ex and she was called out on the specific girl she had replaced me with that she told me she didn't like, she acted like there was no basis for anything I was saying. It's crazy that your ex was so bold with telling you exactly what he does by using that song.

I'm glad I could help with my post btw

I think he was open about his attitude because he doesn't see anything wrong with it. He thinks it's OK. But he was savvy enough to pretend to his flatmate (my replacement) that he and I were just platonic friends even though we were still romantically involved, so he must have some awareness that other people might see his behaviour as a red flag.

On one of the rare occasions when he displayed insight into his problems, he burst into tears and said to me, almost out of nowhere, "If it weren't for you I'd just end up in anybody's bed."

The more I think about it, the luckier I realise I am to have escaped with such minor damage. I was in excruciating pain and I'm still feeling the after-effects now (the discard happened exactly one year ago today), but in retrospect it could have been so much worse. He's dangerous.

[5tarla]

Yeaaah. When I was in contact with my ex and she was called out on the specific girl she had replaced me with that she told me she didn't like, she acted like there was no basis for anything I was saying. It's crazy that your ex was so bold with telling you exactly what he does by using that song.

I'm glad I could help with my post btw

I think he was open about his attitude because he doesn't see anything wrong with it. He thinks it's OK. But he was savvy enough to pretend to his flatmate (my replacement) that he and I were just platonic friends even though we were still romantically involved, so he must have some awareness that other people might see his behaviour as a red flag.

On one of the rare occasions when he displayed insight into his problems, he burst into tears and said to me, almost out of nowhere, "If it weren't for you I'd just end up in anybody's bed."

The more I think about it, the luckier I realise I am to have escaped with such minor damage. I was in excruciating pain and I'm still feeling the after-effects now (the discard happened exactly one year ago today), but in retrospect it could have been so much worse. He's dangerous.

Oh, wow. Similar situation in the him telling your replacement you were only platonic friends. I'm not sure what my ex told my replacement, but when I came up to stay for a few weeks before all of this blew up, she didn't tell my replacement that I was there and apparently they had plans. Instead of telling her I was there, she made up a lie and said she had a headache and that she was getting a cold so she couldn't hang.

If you've read my story, this is when I found out about their 'harmless flirting' behind my back because my replacement sent a text that I saw saying something about being bummed about because she couldn't kiss her if she was sick. That's pretty much when my devaluation began and she started to split from me. We got into an explosive, abusive fight with me trying to leave and her physically keeping me from going, pinning me to the bed and holding me into place, begging me to stay and self-blaming, scared that she was losing me etc. All of this over a girl she was courting anyway?

[5tarla]

It's likely that she feels a lot of shame for her behaviors and is projecting them on the other girl. My ex wife had checked out in the last year of living together and I think that there's a point where she didn't care anymore and that's when I started picking up clues that there was an affair going on. That said, I didn't believe it because I trusted her too much.

I felt so much anger towards both of them because they were living a double life and it destroyed my family. Family life has improved a lot without my ex wife in the picture, it's just the kids and I, I can focus my attention on them without the constant drama and feeling like I'm walking on eggshells.  

My ex wife doesn't healthily grieve the loss of a relationship and she likely feels bad for failing at our marriage. She has a lot of unresolved issues and her current partner is probably going to have it worst than I did when they break-up. I'm just glad that I'm out  

That's something I've noticed is that there is very little grieving on their part, and it's not even really grieving more like sadness that they don't have that person in their hold anymore.

[Concerns]

My wife left this morning on a trip with her replacement. How's that for messed up? She has basically bankrupt us. She has given tons of excuses for her wanting out of the relationship:she doesn't believe in monogamy or marriage to she never wanted to be with me in the first place. The problem with this progression in development is that it may sound reasonable to a normal person and couldn't be further from actual growth. She is a serial monogamist and sets up a replacement so she doesn't have to be alone. It's the reality of what's happening in our lives but she is unable to recognize it and, frankly, she has no interest in recognizing it. She will bury it in her BPD "shame box" and the cycle will begin again.

We have one child. So she has been testing replacements for the last 8-9mths or so. I didn't find out she was actually sleeping with them until about four months ago. But she has zeroed in on this replacement. He is me. One of their first series of texts had him telling her "I want to help you, I just want to help you". My wife has a HIGHLY developed sense for pinpointing men she can take advantage of. I say "take advantage" because I know it's a conscious decision on her part. She picks them. My wives actions follow her diagnosis to a tee. It's very unfortunate. I've been going through the grieving process in her presence. She showers this person with adoration in a way that would make any man cave. While I am discarded as some type of leper and I am an awesome person and father. It doesn't wash with reality. That's the crux: it's not reality. This person is mentally ill. Sick. Now while recognizing this may provide some grace to them in the short term and radically accepting them really is the only choice, she has destroyed our lives. She has been on a scorched earth campaign with little to no empathy to show for the destruction she's laid upon us coupled with adoration for relative strangers. It really has been a living hell with this person in our lives. I read a quote this morning on FB. It said "A person who feels appreciated will always do more than is expected." It's may be true but add a BPD partner into the mix and it becomes a very twisted notion. Her replacement will do anything for her. How do I know? I was her previous replacement... .

[C.Stein]

Oddly enough, it was April last year when I believe my ex started grooming/getting involved with my replacement.  I saw the signs, at least subconsciously I did, but I didn't want to admit to myself that's what was happening.  

So you didn't call them out or anything?

I didn't want to admit to myself the signs were what they were.  As with Mutt,  I didn't want to believe it because I wanted to trust her.

[5tarla]

Oddly enough, it was April last year when I believe my ex started grooming/getting involved with my replacement.  I saw the signs, at least subconsciously I did, but I didn't want to admit to myself that's what was happening.  

So you didn't call them out or anything?

I didn't want to admit to myself the signs were what they were.  As with Mutt,  I didn't want to believe it because I wanted to trust her.

I understand. It most likely would not have ended well if you had called her out.

[Herodias]

Amazing how they do this isn't it? Mine was having "affairs" of some sort the whole marriage. I think he went with me because I was able to take care of him. His Mother told me he has to have somebody, he cannot be alone. Yes, I noticed a behavior shift when he was ready to move on from me. Halfway into our separation he said we could always get back together. He told me he could manipulate me and he could manipulate her(the new gf). Later last Nov. he said "you could take me back" this is after he got the gf pregnant. Then when he told me "you could be the babies aunt"... .I said no, that would be too weird. He didn't forget my words and was very upset by them. He knew he had to move on at that point. All of the telling me he wanted to come home, then the next day, no- he couldn't come back, then asking me to take him back... .total push/pull. Now that he has her trapped he can go back to playing. While I believe he will marry her, he did tell me he didn't want to because he didn't want to end up paying her alimony and child support, "due to the future women". Do you see how it doesn't matter who he is with? He knows he cannot stick with one person. He was letting me know all of this at the end. I don't think he really wanted to be with this gf in the end... .she is not his type at all. He used to make fun of her in front of me... .it was scary to see his laughter at his being able to manipulate her- I actually saw it first hand. He very much enjoyed it. It was very creepy to me... .One day he will tell her that she got pregnant just to trap him and he will move on. I do believe she did do this on purpose and will pay for her actions of cheating on her husband with a married man- (having met me) and then getting pregnant.  She will have consequences even bigger than mine. I think he is still recycling with the one I found in my bed Xmas of 2014. He has done this over and over with her in the past. He wanted to leave me for her, but she now knows he had a PD, so not sure what she will do in the end. She was talking with him over the summer and the current gf found out... .she stopped again for all I know. All I know is, yes... .the signs are there if we pay attention and trust ourselves, not them.

[5tarla]

Amazing how they do this isn't it? Mine was having "affairs" of some sort the whole marriage. I think he went with me because I was able to take care of him. His Mother told me he has to have somebody, he cannot be alone. Yes, I noticed a behavior shift when he was ready to move on from me. Halfway into our separation he said we could always get back together. He told me he could manipulate me and he could manipulate her(the new gf). Later last Nov. he said "you could take me back" this is after he got the gf pregnant. Then when he told me "you could be the babies aunt"... .I said no, that would be too weird. He didn't forget my words and was very upset by them. He knew he had to move on at that point. All of the telling me he wanted to come home, then the next day, no- he couldn't come back, then asking me to take him back... .total push/pull. Now that he has her trapped he can go back to playing. While I believe he will marry her, he did tell me he didn't want to because he didn't want to end up paying her alimony and child support, "due to the future women". Do you see how it doesn't matter who he is with? He knows he cannot stick with one person. He was letting me know all of this at the end. I don't think he really wanted to be with this gf in the end... .she is not his type at all. He used to make fun of her in front of me... .it was scary to see his laughter at his being able to manipulate her- I actually saw it first hand. He very much enjoyed it. It was very creepy to me... .One day he will tell her that she got pregnant just to trap him and he will move on. I do believe she did do this on purpose and will pay for her actions of cheating on her husband with a married man- (having met me) and then getting pregnant.  She will have consequences even bigger than mine. I think he is still recycling with the one I found in my bed Xmas of 2014. He has done this over and over with her in the past. He wanted to leave me for her, but she now knows he had a PD, so not sure what she will do in the end. She was talking with him over the summer and the current gf found out... .she stopped again for all I know. All I know is, yes... .the signs are there if we pay attention and trust ourselves, not them.

You really went through a lot and I feel for you.  That's horrible that your ex is such a horrible cheater. I'm pretty sure my ex's replacement knew about me as after I busted their text, she took me up to her job where she works and I met her coworkers, the replacement being one of them. She told me to 'behave'. Not sure if she was trying to prove that there was nothing there, or what, but it didn't make a difference as they still winded up hooking up and the girl she had groomed to be with her does not want to be with her.

Does your ex feel remorse for what he did to you?

[Herodias]

He told me he "failed me"... .he told his parents that he will "always regret what he did to me"... .do I believe any of that? NO! That was all said for show. I wish he regretted it, he may regret the lifestyle he chose over the one he had... .only right now he thinks a baby is going to make him "happy". Believe me when I tell you... .a normal man can sometimes have a baby and it changes them- This person will not be changed. He specifically asked me when we got married to love him "no matter what"... .he knew what he would do. I am sure he says the same to her, in fact, I know him so well now that I suspect since she cheated on her husband with him, he will use that as an excuse when he cheats on her... as to say, well, you thought it was ok when we did it! No- no remorse. Just hating that he is having to pay for it financially. He thought I would just cry and divorce him easily... .no- I am making sure he thinks before he marrys again. I still think he will be stupid and do it. We will see... .

[5tarla]

He told me he "failed me"... .he told his parents that he will "always regret what he did to me"... .do I believe any of that? NO! That was all said for show. I wish he regretted it, he may regret the lifestyle he chose over the one he had... .only right now he thinks a baby is going to make him "happy". Believe me when I tell you... .a normal man can sometimes have a baby and it changes them- This person will not be changed. He specifically asked me when we got married to love him "no matter what"... .he knew what he would do. I am sure he says the same to her, in fact, I know him so well now that I suspect since she cheated on her husband with him, he will use that as an excuse when he cheats on her... as to say, well, you thought it was ok when we did it! No- no remorse. Just hating that he is having to pay for it financially. He thought I would just cry and divorce him easily... .no- I am making sure he thinks before he marrys again. I still think he will be stupid and do it. We will see... .

Yeah. It probably was for show. My ex admitted on tumblr that we broke up because she's an 'eff up, but when I talked to her one on one she still blamed me for everything? How do you go from admitting it was your fault we broke up but still blame me. I'm guessing they know they're in the wrong and will respond in the socially acceptable way if people are watching.

[Herodias]

I think they try to justify what happened... .He told some people I cheated on him. I know that for sure. He later told me that he thought it was a better match for him to be with someone like her because they have the same job and are more equal. She is younger than him and I am older... .He used my age as an issue too. We got along fine as long as he was't being a smart ass about it or blaming my age on the fact that I didn't want to put up with his behavior. Lets see how "she" puts up with it having a baby and all... .That's what I want to know... .when it all falls apart with how he "thought" it would be because she is younger... .who does he blame then? I am sure there will be something! He also said he liked the lifestyle he had now- basically not feeling like he has to keep up with the joneses... .thing is, He was the one who had to have the best of the best of everything! He is the one who had to have the big house... not me! I was always trying to save money-he was always spending it. So, why is he ok with being broke and having nothing? Can't fool me- He is miserable that way- I know it. It's all about convincing yourself what ever it is you want to believe. We do it too. We all do. I was watching a lecture with Sam Vaknin on u-tube. He asked a woman to stand up and prove to him she was real. She said, you can see me, you can hear me and you can feel me... .He said people can hallucinate and have all of those reactions! He said prove to me you are real... .she couldn't do it. Kind of strange, but makes you think. Their reality is whatever they want it to me- They are delusional. The whole Man of La Mancha thing... .how ever you see the world, it will be that way to you. We  live in reality... .it could be a little off compared to some other peoples reality. These people live in a completely different reality for sure... .you can't make them be in your reality. I guess that is what it's all about. They just see things differently.

[5tarla]

I think they try to justify what happened... .He told some people I cheated on him. I know that for sure. He later told me that he thought it was a better match for him to be with someone like her because they have the same job and are more equal. She is younger than him and I am older... .He used my age as an issue too. We got along fine as long as he was't being a smart ass about it or blaming my age on the fact that I didn't want to put up with his behavior. Lets see how "she" puts up with it having a baby and all... .That's what I want to know... .when it all falls apart with how he "thought" it would be because she is younger... .who does he blame then? I am sure there will be something! He also said he liked the lifestyle he had now- basically not feeling like he has to keep up with the joneses... .thing is, He was the one who had to have the best of the best of everything! He is the one who had to have the big house... not me! I was always trying to save money-he was always spending it. So, why is he ok with being broke and having nothing? Can't fool me- He is miserable that way- I know it. It's all about convincing yourself what ever it is you want to believe. We do it too. We all do. I was watching a lecture with Sam Vaknin on u-tube. He asked a woman to stand up and prove to him she was real. She said, you can see me, you can hear me and you can feel me... .He said people can hallucinate and have all of those reactions! He said prove to me you are real... .she couldn't do it. Kind of strange, but makes you think. Their reality is whatever they want it to me- They are delusional. The whole Man of La Mancha thing... .how ever you see the world, it will be that way to you. We  live in reality... .it could be a little off compared to some other peoples reality. These people live in a completely different reality for sure... .you can't make them be in your reality. I guess that is what it's all about. They just see things differently.

You're right and that's an interesting perspective.