Envisioning the Future

[HurtinNW]

I'm working on trying to focus on the future, as I navigate this loss. One piece of advice here is to envision what kind of future we want.

I've always dreamed of finding a lifelong partner, someone who loves me, my history as well as strengths. In addition I dreamed of adopting and foster kids. As you all know I adopted three. They are now ages 20, 19 and 13. My hope was after they are gone I would continue to foster. I really enjoy being a mom and I'm good at it. I especially like older kids.

One of the appeals of my ex was initially he presented as someone who would be keen to foster more kids. That's pretty rare for men in their 50s. Of course now I realize he was mirroring during the idealization phase. It became clear he has little interest in kids. I was more than willing to compromise that dream to stay in relationship with him. There was stuff I resented but not that.

I am now 48, and it seems to me the chance of finding a partner who is a good match, healthy, sane, loving, and is willing to foster or adopt more kids is probably pretty slim. Most men my age and above are getting into the retirement years, and seem to want to kick back, travel and so forth. I can totally respect that.

I could easily get certifed and foster more kids. But that would probably close the door to a partner. Or I could focus on moving towards a life that has a partner. That means probably closing the door on more kids. I know the likelihood of finding a partner is much, much higher if I close the door on fostering.

I'm not looking to make a decision right now, just thinking it over, feeling my way to a vision that feels right and hopeful for me.

Thoughts? Have any of you had to weigh such possibly conflicting desires as you move forward?

[Grey Kitty]

I think you are being a bit fatalistic. Fostering kids won't rule out a relationship. Starting a relationship won't rule out fostering or adopting kids. (It might even include step kids or somebody who is pretty much co-parenting grandkids, which seems very common these days. Also if you considered guys say 10 years younger than you, he might be more interested in kids.)

Your point that a commitment to one will (likely) harm your chances for the other somewhat is valid. In addition, I'd suggest that starting either a parenting relationship or a romantic relationship takes a lot out of yourself, so doing both the same month sounds like a bad idea 

The questions I'd ask you is this:

Which one is MORE important to you?

Which one (if either) are you ready for today, or which one can you be ready for sooner?

Focus your energy or most of it on one first.



One of my favorite decision making techniques is to act/think like I've decided to do one path. It really doesn't matter much which one I pick. What I notice is that I usually feel either peaceful and energized by the decision, or quite unhappy about it in fairly short order, and generally before I've actually had to do much other than plan/think/plot out my course.

And how I feel about my "decision" tells me if it is the right one or the wrong one. If it feels wrong, I change course (also internally) and confirm that the new one feels right.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Hurtin-

I agree with GK that it isn't one or the other, and if you focus on the perception that the chances are slim that you can have both, they will be.  A good area of focus with attachment is to ask who do you need to be to attract whom you want to be with?  That doesn't mean create a facade with the aim to manipulate, something a borderline would do, it means develop a vision for your future, one that is empowering and makes you feel fully alive, and then step into it and own it.  If that vision includes foster kids in a loving home full of warmth and cheer, a family in the truest sense of the word, and the thought of that puts a spring in your step and a gleam in your eye, you'll show up in the world mighty attractive, especially to the right guy, maybe the guy who never got married and had kids and is thinking maybe it's too late for him, and then you show up like a dream come true, not a fantasy mind you, a dream that the two of you can make a reality.  And not only is fully owning your bright future attractive, it also creates the focus that when the right guy shows up, you'll notice.

[HurtinNW]

It occurs to me that my core wounds come into play with something like this. Instead of thinking, why of course the right man would find that immensely appealing, I think, no one will ever love me. Thank you for that insight.

GK, those are good questions. I'm not sure as to the answers. Probably a partner is more important to me, but I am not sure if the reasons why right now are all healthy. My social and emotional commitment to helping others, my job and love of parenting, those are super important to me. I need to think about my motives for each, I suppose.

As far as which one I am more ready for, that's a good question too. I can easily focus on getting my house ready for love in the sense of foster kids. It means looking at my work load, the timing, finances, those sort of things. Getting my house ready for love for another partner requires a different sort of work, mostly emotional and core.

[fromheeltoheal]

It occurs to me that my core wounds come into play with something like this. Instead of thinking, why of course the right man would find that immensely appealing, I think, no one will ever love me. Thank you for that insight.

Yep, it's a focus thing.  Maybe the most important thing to take into your bright future are empowering beliefs, and identifying them can be as simple as asking what do I want to believe?

[Narkiss]

GK: that's an excellent way of making decisions

[LilMe]

I was talking to a customer at work yesterday about having my last baby at 48. He is early 50s and would love to find someone and have children. I know a few other men over 50 who love children and would be open to raising some. So there are guys out there.

Personally, I try to focus on what I can change and control. I can make the life I want to live. If you want to foster - go for it!  You can't really put yourself in a relationship. Not to mention you need time to heal and process all that has happened in your relationship and life. You deserve a relationship that accepts your desire to foster children! My mom literally cried to me at age 60 after the breakup of a 25 year marriage that she would be alone for the rest of her life. Not two weeks later she met an amazing man and she is 70 now and the happiest she has ever been.

[HurtinNW]

Thanks!

I want to make sure whatever path I am taking it is because it will be the right choice... .and not just because right now I am in pain and looking for something to fill that emptiness. It's a tricky part of moving forward. I have a tendency to take risks and move quickly, which I've tried to channel for good and not ill, such as adopting my current children. Best choice I ever made! But I don't want to be rash and jump into something new for the wrong reasons.

I have a hard time being patient with myself. I want to fix things, make them better, both inside and outside myself.

It's hard for me to not know what to do, to sit in a place of loss, grief and hurt, and not want to do something to fix it. In other words, maybe the dream is a good one but rushing to it can be for the wrong reasons.

[Narkiss]

Yes. I am impatient and move to quickly. I feel as if I wait then I'll lose want I want? How to stop this? And yes, there are plenty of guys in their 40s and 50s who want children or who have them and dont mind more. My cousin just had a baby on her own at 46. She has just had a couple dates with a guy who is 50 and divorced.