Writing the Letter

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello all

I was telling my therapist how I struggle with anger. My mentally ill mother was a very angry, malicious person, and I was the family scapegoat.

My therapist suggested I write a letter to my ex but not plan on sending it right away. I've been working on the letter, and oh boy, it is a good way to express and feel all that anger. It is remarkable how much clarity it is giving me. Kind of like pulling the wool off my eyes and going wow, that was bad. I am validating myself in it and seeing how abusive the relationship was, and how hurtful his behavior.

I'm not planning to send the letter anytime soon, but it has occurred to me maybe someday I will. I never stood up to my ex. The few times I tried to assert myself it ended in rages and abuse. I am wondering if eventually sending a letter would be a good way for me to finally assert myself and my feelings. I wouldn't want to do that until I was sure I had detached enough to ignore any response or not care if I don't get one. It would be more for to gain a sense of closure at my end.

How many of you wrote and/or sent letters to your ex? What was the outcome? Was it a good idea or not?

[HurtinNW]

Hello all

I was telling my therapist how I struggle with anger. My mentally ill mother was a very angry, malicious person, and I was the family scapegoat.

My therapist suggested I write a letter to my ex but not plan on sending it right away. I've been working on the letter, and oh boy, it is a good way to express and feel all that anger. It is remarkable how much clarity it is giving me. Kind of like pulling the wool off my eyes and going wow, that was bad. I am validating myself in it and seeing how abusive the relationship was, and how hurtful his behavior.

I'm not planning to send the letter anytime soon, but it has occurred to me maybe someday I will. I never stood up to my ex. The few times I tried to assert myself it ended in rages and abuse. I am wondering if eventually sending a letter would be a good way for me to finally assert myself and my feelings. I wouldn't want to do that until I was sure I had detached enough to ignore any response or not care if I don't get one. It would be more for to gain a sense of closure at my end.

How many of you wrote and/or sent letters to your ex? What was the outcome? Was it a good idea or not?

[bunny4523]

Hello Hurtin,

I wrote an angry letter, a sad poor me I'm hurt letter... .I wrote one of just the facts regarding the things that occurred in the relationship and getting it out helped me so much.  I never sent any of them.  I felt like my closure was writing it out and acknowledging the things that happened out loud so to speak.  I felt like if I sent it, he would just respond and argue or tell me a different version and I didn't want to be confused anymore.  I KNOW what happened so after I wrote it out, it was like I could release it from my memory and no longer question how or why it happened or even IF it happened.  He had my head spinning.  After writing, I could just let it go.  For me, writing it BUT not sending it was key.  That was the only way for me to actually "close" it out.  Otherwise I felt he would re-open it if given the opportunity.  The more he keeps his thoughts to himself, the better off I am.

Hope the writing helps you too,

Bunny

[once removed]

hi hurtinNW 

i certainly advocate writing these kinds of letters, it can be very cathartic/therapeutic.

my thoughts are that when we are motivated to send them because we are standing up for ourselves or taking our power back, it is a bit like having the perfect come back five minutes later, im sure weve all been there. in fact i love the family guy episode where stewie uses his time machine to go back in time and deliver comebacks. its a natural urge - though one that can prolong detachment. to me, when a relationship ends, so does discussion/negotiation or power dynamics.

in my experience, silence was golden. one can stand up for or empower themselves (or find closure) by refusing to ever participate again, knowing, and self-validating their truth. just as a tip, you might even find the urge diminish as you practice assertiveness and self empowerment in your daily life.

thats me though. there are plenty of members who have sent such letters and not regretted it a day in their lives.

[WoundedBibi]

I write a lot of letters to my ex. Angry ones. Nice ones. Factual ones. I never send them because there are meant for my healing not to feed his narcissistic supply.

And I have learned my lesson from sending nice short emails to my ex that backfired massively.

[1989]

I wrote the email.  I'm glad I did.  Our relationship had spanned over 20 years.  I had accepted long ago it was over.  After many years of losing touch, he convinced me that he had deep regrets and always had, and I trusted him, only to have him retract everything a couple of months later.  

I was hurt beyond belief.  And then I got angry at him for the first time!  I was not allowed to be angry as a child as it resulted in punishment.  My exupwBPD "hated confrontation.".  Six months after he "discarded" me for the third time for someone else, I sent the email.  It was the first time I had ever been able to express that anger to him (he usually disappeared on me and would not even acknowledge me).  

I swear, I felt like I was taking my power back with each word.  I was done forever and I wanted him to know.

I wasn't even sure if he read it, but I recently had a FB profile keep coming up as a "suggested friend" it looked fake so I finally looked at it.  It's fake and was created two years to the day after I sent my email.  It's him.  I have felt so "happy" since discovering that because I know he read it and got the message.

I guess it depends on the level of abuse you tolerated (mine was extremely mentally abusive, he has to have comorbid NPD, incredibly cruel) and if that anger prevents you from moving on.

I am so very grateful that I sent it.  Also, I truly have nothing left to say to him and have zero regret that I sent it.

[bunny4523]

Good points for each side.  I guess it does depend on whether you ever got your moment to say what you needed to say in the relationship. I definately did.  I think my final words to him after his last rant of "you did this and you did that" 

I just said sternly said, "I don't care what you think about me anymore.  You need to understand that your opinion of me no longer matters." That really helped me because there was no need for a discussion or conversation.   

like once removed  said "one can stand up for or empower themselves (or find closure) by refusing to ever participate again, knowing, and self-validating their truth.  That's what I was doing and I didn't even know it at the time. 

[1989]

Bunny,

I think your statement to him is really what it all boils down to "I don't care what you think of me anymore.  You need to understand that your opinion of me no longer matters.".

That, in my opinion, is the biggest trap for us nons.  We give them so uch power over us when we allow them to be the judge of our worth/value.

HurtinNW,

If you need to stand up to him and express that you no longer care what or how he thinks of you in order to close this chapter in your life then do it.  I would suggest that you end it in a calm manner. I ended it with "I hope the second half of your life is everthing you want it to be. You will never hear from me again.  Best wishes, (my name)". I didn't want to end it sounding like a raging b----.  He would have enjoyed that.  (He enjoyed entertaining friends and himself with stories of other raging "psycho" ex's goodbyes.)

[Nuitari]

HurtinNW,

I'm in pretty much the same situation. I'm currently writing a long letter to my ex. I suffered so much emotional abuse that she isn't even aware of because I never had it in me to speak up. And now, I live with this irresistible urge to make her aware of the devastating affects that she's had on me. The letter is a work in progress. I write a little each day. Some days I'm writing with the intention of sending it, other days its more about helping me relieve the anxiety I feel due to not getting my feelings out. The writing alone really helps me put things in perspective and leads me to reflect on why I feel the way I do. Its like I'm peeling back layers of myself. Like I said, I'm still on the fence about sending it. Part of me feels like its what I need to do to finally give myself closure and move on. But another part of me feels like sending it will only make things worse. Even though we don't talk anymore, there is no "bad blood" between us (aside from all the negative feelings that I kept locked away from her). I sometimes think that it must have been difficult for her to take my feelings seriously when I could not show them, and that sending the letter will only make her feel guilt and shame over a situation that may well have been partially my fault. But if I refrain from sending it only to protect her feelings, aren't I really just continuing my bad habit on non-assertiveness that got me so deep into the mess to begin with? This is a conflict that I struggle with daily. My lingering feelings and need to protect her are telling me not to send it, but my gut is telling me that all of the pain and anger I feel will slowly eat away at me if I don't.

[HurtinNW]

Thank you all for the lovely replies!

I'm going to be very honest here about my motives for wanting to send it. They are... .

1) Maybe a little bit of JADE reasoning, "If I say it this way he will finally understand."

2) I was so disempowered in the relationship I never got the opportunity to articulate my feelings. Even in counseling therapy I was walking on eggshells, afraid to speak my truth. My truth also got further and further away from me the more abuse and discards. I never truly stood up to him. Until the final discard I was apologizing for existing in so many ways. So almost everything in this letter is stuff he never heard.

3) It would be a way to affirm my reality, not just in my space but his space, and the space outside of me. Essentially, it would an assertive act that would say, "I am no longer afraid of you. I have the right to speak my mind."

4) And yes, a small part of me wants to hurt him back. Got to own that one!

5)  In doing my own work on my role in this relationship, I realize I fell easily into the victim role, and in some ways, my ex and I fought for that place on the triangle. I do think I wanted off that grid, but between my PTSD and his anger and BPD/NPD we were constantly triggering each other. I became very "young," and quite traumatized. So perhaps the biggest motive here is reclaiming my adulthood and speaking from a clear, adult self to him.

Now this is an interesting FOO piece for me. My mentally ill mother was famous for her letters. I have a folder I have labelled "Mean Letters from Mom." I'm not kidding. My mother was the master of the cruel goodbye letter. She would write me these insane, nasty letters accusing me of all sorts of  crimes, and then disown me and go into silent treatment and shun me. I was never allowed to bring up the letters to her or other family members. Totally crazy-making.

As a result, I've always been allergic to the idea of writing letters in relationships. Often they seem passive aggressive, a swipe from a distance. I've never done it before for that reason.

In writing this letter I have been amazed at how therapeutic it has been, and I have taken pains not to be cruel, but rather honest and clear. I do have that concern that my motive not be to inflict pain. (number 4 above).

Like Nuitari, I struggle with he co-dependent side of wanting to protect his feelings. So it is all quite confusing

[1989]

My final letter to him was about me.  It was a survivor statement... ."I loved you and I tolerated things that I would not have otherwise, not because I was weak, but because I thought what we had was special and I assumed it was special to you.  I assumed you were young and immature or scared to be so close to someone.  I no longer think that.  It appears that you don't view love as something precious, but as something to be taken for granted and exploited. "

I didn't rage at him (I felt rage!). I just let him know that it was over.  I was no longer available to be picked up and loved just to be set back down because there was a new shiny toy that had his attention.

I think the strongest thing I said was that I had a purpose in this life and it was not to be used by him.  I stated "I have a life to live!  I am done with this!". I also stated that I regretted the years that I had wasted, believing that I was special and always availing myself to him (we did fwb, we did no sex but close friends, I tried everything and nothing worked).  The last time was different (we never met up, thank goodness), it was everything a person would dream of hearing from a "long lost love.". I knew better, but I trusted him because he sounded so sincere, tender and emotional.  I blasted him for that.  I felt tricked.

It helped me because I kept everything in before, I never tried to hold him accountable because it wasn't natural for me to do so (it was in therapy where my therapist pointed out that he and my mother dealt with me in identical ways and I responded to him as I did to her).  So, I get what you're saying.

I didn't do it to hurt him.  I did it to take back control of myself.  Our last conversation had left me sobbing when he said that he would never want to be with me again because I had done something so horrible he couldn't get past it.  The horrible thing I did?  Nothing.  It was his projecting his bad stuff onto me.  He accused me of something he had actually done.  Again, just like my mother.  Mind-blowing.

[HurtinNW]

The more I consider this, thanks to your responses, the more I realize part of me still wants to convince him it wasn't all my fault. Sigh. A good part of the letter is me telling him how hurtful he was to me and my kids. It is also couched in language where I am telling him what is wrong with him—something we all know never works.

1989, his last words were filled with bile and hatred, spewed at me while I sobbed. Then nothing. Completely ghosted. Part of the letter is wanting to say to him everything he wouldn't let me say in person. He's more NPD than BPD and was very cruel to me. So yes it is a feeling of wanting to draw a line in the sand, to define and take back myself.

I also know if I sent such a letter he would never, ever try to recycle me again. So that is a motive too. Kind of like blowing up the bridge to the city.

I'm going to keep writing the letter, it is very therapeutic for me to feel so assertive. Sooner or later I'll decide whether to send it or not. I remember a friend of mine telling me once she kept editing and editing her angry goodbye letter to her ex. Eventually, she said, she edited it down nothing. One day there was just a blank page. Then she was more at peace.

[1989]

I get what you meant about your little girl responding (in sobs) and your adult self wanting to assert yourself.  

I had to tell him I was done.  I couldn't wait until he figured it out.

Writing is such a good thing.  I have had so many ah ha moments just writing, not to anyone, just writing.  It's amazing what you'll discover.  

I also get the ghosted part.  My therapist said he probably was BPD/NPD.  That's the toughest as far as I'm concerned.  Cruel.

[HurtinNW]

I get what you meant about your little girl responding (in sobs) and your adult self wanting to assert yourself.  

I had to tell him I was done.  I couldn't wait until he figured it out.

Writing is such a good thing.  I have had so many ah ha moments just writing, not to anyone, just writing.  It's amazing what you'll discover.  

I also get the ghosted part.  My therapist said he probably was BPD/NPD.  That's the toughest as far as I'm concerned.  Cruel.

Me too. I can understand the flailing, hurt, angry BPD part far more. The NPD is harder to get, because it is the part of him that treats people as objects. It truly is very confusing. From everything I have read he fits NPD perfectly. My therapist agrees.

But I need to focus on me, my role in this, my motives and healing... .and what would be best. I need to ask that little girl who was left sobbing what she needs, and I am guessing she needs me more than she needs a letter to him. Though I will continue writing it 

[1989]

People are objects to a NPD.  Or better understood that people don't have any reason to exist outside of the NPD.  That's what I was conveying to my ex--that God had created me for a purpose and it wasn't to be used for him when he didn't have a new person he was idealizing.

Onto you.  I can only assume that your mother treated you like mine.  An object.  No talking back, no feelings that don't support hers, no opinions of your own, etc.  My mother taught me that I had to earn love by pleasing her.  I was ignored or treated with contempt when my thoughts, feelings, opinions, etc. didn't align with hers.  I was taught that I was bad for being myself.  Hypercritical mother!  Punished via ST, even when I was a child.  Sometimes physical abuse.

I think we carry that through life.  And this person who once thought so highly of us and valued us becomes the person who holds our worth.  My mom adored babies and toddlers but grew bored and uninterested by around 3-4 years of age.  So did her dad,  so a child carries this feeling of being a huge disappointment, but we learn if we can "please" the mother/father we get rewarded with "love.". It's the same dynamic with our exes who suffer with BPD/NPD.

It wasn't too long ago that I realized my mother and my ex are disordered and they view everyone through a distorted lens.  That has nothing to do with me or my value.  Nothing!  In no way does their mental illness have any bearing on MY worth!  That was HUGE for me.

 I have played close attention to several of your posts.  You seem like a truly wonderful, giving, generous and loving person.  Why allow yourself to be brought down by people who are incapable of actually seeing you for who you are?  And why care so much what a disordered person thinks of you?  They don't think highly of anyone.  So let it go.

Their power over us is that we care what they think of us.  You want him to know it wasn't all your fault.  He may never accept that.  You have to stop caring what he thinks and care more about what you think.  Do you believe you are a good person who is loving, generous and kind?  Do you believe the end of the relationship resulted in him losing someone amazing?  That's all that matters.  What his disordered mind thinks is unimportant. 

[HurtinNW]

People are objects to a NPD.  Or better understood that people don't have any reason to exist outside of the NPD.  That's what I was conveying to my ex--that God had created me for a purpose and it wasn't to be used for him when he didn't have a new person he was idealizing.

Onto you.  I can only assume that your mother treated you like mine.  An object.  No talking back, no feelings that don't support hers, no opinions of your own, etc.  My mother taught me that I had to earn love by pleasing her.  I was ignored or treated with contempt when my thoughts, feelings, opinions, etc. didn't align with hers.  I was taught that I was bad for being myself.  Hypercritical mother!  Punished via ST, even when I was a child.  Sometimes physical abuse.

I think we carry that through life.  And this person who once thought so highly of us and valued us becomes the person who holds our worth.  My mom adored babies and toddlers but grew bored and uninterested by around 3-4 years of age.  So did her dad,  so a child carries this feeling of being a huge disappointment, but we learn if we can "please" the mother/father we get rewarded with "love.". It's the same dynamic with our exes who suffer with BPD/NPD.

It wasn't too long ago that I realized my mother and my ex are disordered and they view everyone through a distorted lens.  That has nothing to do with me or my value.  Nothing!  In no way does their mental illness have any bearing on MY worth!  That was HUGE for me.

 I have played close attention to several of your posts.  You seem like a truly wonderful, giving, generous and loving person.  Why allow yourself to be brought down by people who are incapable of actually seeing you for who you are?  And why care so much what a disordered person thinks of you?  They don't think highly of anyone.  So let it go.

Beautifully said, and thank you. One of the wonderful things about this board is how we illuminate the best parts of each other—and the challenging parts too.

You are very right. My mother treated her children as objects. I do think she loved us, in her own way. She was a terribly traumatized person herself, filled with self-loathing and hatred. She poured that hatred into me, making me into a monster, and I fought back the only way I could—I left, first as a young child into my imagination, and then physically as soon as I could. There was no healing, no closure with my mother.

I've done a lot of work to heal from my horrid past, but this relationship really showed me the broken parts that still need to heal. One of them is that mother hunger. Perhaps only other adults who were never mothered understand that deep, undying need. I never got that sort of love, and I hunger for it. I also know I need to provide it to myself, and not want partners to give it. Especially not partners who mimic my mother but in a more approachable way.

It is very hard for children of abuse to create our own sense of self and self worth. Despite all my gains, all my successes, this is an ongoing struggle for me. Perhaps it is why I can sympathize (too much!) with the struggles of a BPD/NPD person. What a sad place, what a terrible echo chamber of shame, that my ex lives in. But I can no longer let that world be mine.

Maybe one of the gifts of this relationship will be to let me finally feel loved all by myself, as a person worthy of it, without the need for approval from those who might hurt me.

What an awesome group you are. Thank you!

[Nuitari]

I also know if I sent such a letter he would never, ever try to recycle me again. So that is a motive too. Kind of like blowing up the bridge to the city.

I can relate to this. This is also my reason for both wanting and not wanting to send the letter. Most of the time, I'm very angry at her, and I'm tempted to send a very angry letter so that I can finally burn that bridge and permanently remove any chance of her finding a way back into my life. But I won't lie, I miss her. When the relationship ended, I felt like she took a part of me with her. And while I can't bring myself to talk to her anymore, I also haven't been able to bring myself to sever that tie with her I still feel, something that part of me desperately wants to do, and yet can't.