I have now had 4 BPD partners

[BPDGuy1]

I have now had 4 medium to long term BPD partners and I now know exactly how to win back, keep them interested and get the high you all felt when they were chasing you and keep it going. Its unconventional and goes against everything your co-dependent traits scream at you.

When they lie ( which they will ) pick them up on it straight away but DON'T directly accuse them off lying of they will run from shame. ie something like "oh I thought you said so and so" etc. Then keep repeating it every time they lie it stops it eventually.

When they leave ( which they will ) do not under any circumstances chase them, no text, no phone call nothing, no turning up at there house, no indirect contact. They consider it weak and will be repulsed by it. Act indifferent and after a while they will start to chase you again then be the strong one if you were weak before.

If you feel you are being manipulated, do not let it slide, not even once. Pick them up on it, it will stop eventually.

NEVER go deep about feelings with them, even if they push you for how you feel they will consider you weak and be repulsed by you and look for someone else. A I love you very occasionally is more than enough.

Be unavailable 70% of the time to do things. Do not always be there when they ask you to be, again they will consider this weak and look for someone more challenging.

Have super strong boundaries because they will push and push and push you. Back down once and they consider you weak and you know the rest

and finally DO NOT EVER LIVE TOGETHER! it sets of huge push and pull and will only ever end one way!

This is honestly the only way a BPD relationship can work. Trust me on that one!

You have to be the strong one. Make them respect you from the get go and they can be the best partners in the world!

Peace

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[WoundedBibi]

Wrong board dude.

[Stripey77]

  at Bibi's comment... .short and sweet.

Also... .FOUR BPD partners. FOUR? Wasn't one enough to scar you for life?

[WoundedBibi]

at Bibi's comment... .short and sweet.

Also... .FOUR BPD partners. FOUR? Wasn't one enough to scar you for life?

Masochist. Also different board.

[zeus123]

Why would you want to have a relationship with an impaired/distorted person.? As it brings up questions about yourself. You can't imagine that there are deficits and wounds in you, which attract you to a BPD and keep you ensnared. We shudder to think that we could be damaged too, your perception about BPD issues is understandable. It's tough to accept that you could want someone who's so damaged, that she has psychotic traits... And of course, it challenges how you regard yourself.

[bunny4523]

 , i think most of us wouldn't call that a relationship at all.

not interested in that... .

[blackbirdsong]

This thread could be called:How to train your SO.

Most people here are hurting. Hurting because of their feelings of love toward their ex partners. Also hurting because their ex partners are hurting from mental ilness. You are suggesting how to exploit mental ilness traits (!) in order to manipulate with them. One of the things that I discovered during my recovery was that BPD manipulation is not something deliberate, planned - because they would be ASPDs, psychopats if they would do that. And you just crossed that line with your advice... .

[Stripey77]

It's all claptrap anyway. Who aspires to be in a 'relationship' with someone where you set out to NOT ever live with them? Most people on here want a loving relationship that's going places, not one based on who can win at mind games.

[FannyB]

Interesting advice four_kings for those that are desperate to hang on - and there are plenty on the other boards that do and ask the very question you have purported to answer.

Don't think the leaving board is the most appropriate place for this though mate.


Fanny

[GoingBack2OC]

I'm thinking now... .I've had one BPD relationship, and that was enough.

Right now, I am not thinking how I can win her back. Yes I miss her dearly-- but what I miss-- is NOT REAL.

Its the idealization phase I miss. That seed that was planted, which turned out to be nothing but weeds.

Do I want her back. Like anyone coming off drugs. Yea, I'd like a hit.

But really, what I really want, is to just get off the drug because it sucks.

Your advice is sorry to say, terrible. We should all be running for the hills from our partners, it's just our hearts (which they lack) get in the way.

Who wants a relationship that mind games and manipulation. It's what destroyed me and our relationship, despite all that I did to hang on.

Me?  I'm letting go.

[BPDGuy1]

Hello All,

I have been a reader for a while and while i struggle with empathy, I do feel for you all that have suffered from this illness. I am on a road to healing and I guess I am one of the ones that is more self aware than most.

I do get how confusing we can be and I will be as open and honest with you all about how we feel in hope it may help you all get some sort of closure. I would like to help but this also may be a selfish act of mine at redemption from past hurts.

It may be raw and not what people want to hear, but ill try my best to explain exactly what goes through our brains at times.

I don't do well with long posts ( my brain jumbles them up and I skip read ). So please keep things short and i'll do my best to be real with you.

So fire away if you want to.

Hopefully I wont get to much hate as I didn't ask for this illness I promise you ( more waif ) 

[Ahoy]

This particular board might be... .interesting... .I hope everyone plays nice and I don't wake up tomorrow to see lots of hate.

I'll bite, however I know this is a spectrum disorder and your experience will be different to someone else.


My ex-wife had two affairs that I know of. I found out the truth post-separation. I have not had contact with her in a long while but she reached out a month or so ago attempting to recycle. I told her this was not happening on account of the affairs. She never mentions them and pretends they don't exist.

Have you been in a similar situation? is this shame at play, not being able to admit certain actions?


Take care of yourself mate =)

[Insom]

How do people with BPD process rejection?  Do they demonize the person who rejected them?  Idealize?  What happens to a BPD person after a romantic breakup initiated by partner?

[BPDGuy1]

Hey Ahoy,

I'm sorry that happened to you. I have been cheated on myself and I know its not nice but then I have also cheated.

I can't speak for your ex wife only how I felt when I did.

For me when i'm settled with someone for a period of time, I feel bored and trapped, like a wet duvet put over my head and I can't breath. Its to much responsibility for me and I feel I need out. I need routine to keep me going off the rails but I also can't stand it. I know my partners loved me but having someone else interested made me feel excited and attractive ( it does not make me feel attractive when my partner tells me I am ) and it was an escape from my day to day routine. I know that sounds awful but that's how it felt.

Yes, its shame. I am a inward hater and trust me I just cannot handle seeing anyone I've upset. I struggle to say sorry and I won't make effort to make things up with actions because I have to face what I've done and the pain is just to great to deal with. I'll lie my way out of things ( I can actually make myself believe what im saying, like actually visualise the story I've made up, this is the scary part ) or I'll hide away until i feel its safe to come out or i feel enough time has passed that they have stopped hating me.

Trying to be as honest as I can.

[BPDGuy1]

How do people with BPD process rejection?  Do they demonize the person who rejected them?  Idealize?  What happens to a BPD person after a romantic breakup initiated by partner?

I refuse to put myself in the position to be rejected, I will always end things first if I can, I have to be control of that. If i am rejected by someone, I take to social media or any other way that the person has rejected me can see and make myself look like im having a great time and not bothered. Truth is im lying on my sofa, not showering intense anxiety and hating myself. for me personally because of the pain, when my brain calms down a bit I have to find every excuse I can why the person was no good for me. Accent, hair, body shape, a small comment I didn't like, anything to gain some control back ( painting black I guess ). I'll then probably do something manic like a drinks and drugs, random sex to block the person out or to hurt them like I am. I know this isn't healthy and passive aggressive but it helps ( for a short while at least )

[Insom]

Hmm . . . Thanks, BPDGuy1.

Here's a follow-up.  How do you think you might react if a person who initiated a breakup with you reached out to make amends many years later?  I know this is all hypothetical for you, but memories of a BPD-ex whom I met when we were both very young are up for me right now & am playing out in my head what a make-amends scenario might look like & have no clue.  Control was a big issue in our relationship.  I am married and not seeking to rekindle.

[BPDGuy1]

I'd like to help you understand this but because I have BPD myself I don't seem to be allowed to post.

Hopefully the moderates see i'm here to give an insight rather than upset anyone.

[flourdust]

Membership Eligibility: Members suffering with BPD traits should not attempt to provide a "BPD perspective" to other members.

Members who have suffered with BPD traits or recovered from them and who have been active in the community may apply to become "educators" and assist in educating the membership about Borderline Personality Disorder. Please contact a moderator if you are interested here. "Educator" positions are subject to staff approval. There are guidelines established for this purpose.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/membership

[Skip]

We greatly appreciate your sincere advice.

I think our site is not the best place to share - as you say. We suggest the following sites may be more helpful.
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/Themes/default/welcome3.html

[Skip]

How do you think you might react if a person who initiated a breakup with you reached out to make amends many years later?

Insom, I think the most useful question is "what kind of response do you desire"? I think everything goes backward from that.

We often have a feeling of unfinished business. That's normal.

The question is, what will resolve that for us, and is it realistic to seek that?

Skip