How to Move Out?

[poiu]

After an emotionally and verbally abusive childhood, I went through months of therapy to examine my actions, what is wrong with me, and how I can improve for my parents. After about 6 months, I finally came to the realization that I am not the problem. Based on my parents' abusive childhoods and their behavior patterns, they are a Borderline Personality Disorder (mother)/Narcissistic Personality Disorder (father) couple. Though there is no official diagnosis, I know this pairing is common. They are a textbook case and when I read other peoples' stories of their (diagnosed) BPD/NDP parents, I swear they were watching through the window or something. Same exact situations, same exact phrases, manipulations, and abuses. My mother will snap in and out of rage saying absolutely awful things, then a couple of seconds later, deny that she said anything and wonder why I'm not light-hearted. If I point out how hurtful what she said was, I become the bad guy. You never know what you are going to get with her. My father, I swear, is incapable of sacrifice or love for the good of another. It is heartbreaking to watch their marriage. Other than this, I have mental health problems (wonder why... .) and physical health problems from growing up in this environment. Just thinking of spending time with them gives me stomach pain.

I am graduating from university next month and see it as the perfect opportunity to move out and start a new life. The past 4 years, any attempt at independence or becoming an adult has been met with abuse, saying I'm "disrespectful," etc. They just can't accept it. So, I am going to have to make all my plans and then just tell them. But I don't know how to do this. I heard I should tell them in public? Do I wait until right before graduation, or do I give them the next three weeks? I don't even want to tell them where I'll be living or working because it will still be close to where they live.

Anyone else who has had experience with moving out of their BPD/NPD parent household, do you have any advice?

[isshebpd]

I have a similar uBPDmom, although my enDad is somewhat different. Like you, I stayed at home during University. I studied at school or after uBPDmom went to bed. Despite that, my uBPDmom messed with my academia in a totally bizarre way, causing me to graduate a year later than I planned.

I think you're doing the right thing keeping your plans to yourself. Why are you considering telling them before you graduate? This might turn an important milestone into a BPD circus.

In my case, I was already dating my wife and we moved out together (right after I graduated) to get away from our respective dysfunctional families. Somehow I got away without much drama. Probably because my uPDbro was still quite young and very enmeshed with uBPDmom, making him her main source of narcissistic supply or whatever.

uPDbro had a harder time moving into his first apartment. Our parents co-signed his lease, keeping him under their control and making his life difficult. He later moved into a house with a bunch of roommates, much more independently from our parents.

Our uBPDmom has never seen the inside of uPDbro's current apartment. Everyone else has. Just not her.

[Turkish]

Is there also a cultural component going on here? Any other family?

I agree keeping it close to you until you graduate. If you do move out, make sure you have someone trustworthy with you while you do it if you fear extreme verbal reprisals or even physical abuse.

The way it sounds, you are ready to be 100% independent. This is like crossing the Rubicon. Once you separate, it's new territory. If you need help from your parents later, it's likely to open yourself up to their controlling and abusive (or neglectful) behaviors again.

[poiu]

I have a similar uBPDmom, although my enDad is somewhat different. Like you, I stayed at home during University. I studied at school or after uBPDmom went to bed. Despite that, my uBPDmom messed with my academia in a totally bizarre way, causing me to graduate a year later than I planned.

Clarification: I live on campus, but it is only about 40 minutes from home. There is a week between finals and graduation, where I'm expected to move home, so I have to have some excuse why I am missing for a week before graduation... .

[poiu]

Is there also a cultural component going on here? Any other family?

The way it sounds, you are ready to be 100% independent. This is like crossing the Rubicon. Once you separate, it's new territory. If you need help from your parents later, it's likely to open yourself up to their controlling and abusive (or neglectful) behaviors again.

No cultural component, just an older codependent sister who lets them pay for everything and stays in constant contact (texts every hour). She recognizes their behaviors aren't right and that they are harder on me (scapegoat), but she still doesn't think it's that serious even though I get upset texts from her. Overall my family (grandparents, cousins) is not real close. We all live within 15 minutes of each other, but only see each other once a year.

I have always been the independent child and I think my mom feels slighted by that. However, I have physical health problems that I've been treated for the past two years and my parents (mom) have been overly-involved  financially and physically. This involvement has definitely stunted my healing. My mom has conversation with doctors and makes appointments without telling me. What I am struggling with is, do I cut them out of this? I feel like I need a clean break, but I don't have insurance. If they offer do pay for medical expenses, do I accept money? I was thinking I'd have to draw up a written agreement if I did accept any money.

[Turkish]

Texts every hour? Sounds like she's completely enmeshed. She's getting some things out of this... .and so are your parents. I'm sorry that you are the scapegoat, but you are the more differentiated child. You've assertrd your own identity, so you're being punished.

Understanding The Narcissistc Family

Being stuck on their health insurance, and given your health issues, it's hard to assert boundaries, though I'm wondering why she is able to make appointments for you, given privacy laws.

I don't know if a written agreement would mean anything. We see pwBPD push boundaries over the line regarding custody orders. What kind of agreement were you thinking?

[Notwendy]

From my own experience growing up, I think independence from parents is a process. Graduation is certainly one step on the road to independence. However, even as a grown adult with my own children, becoming un-enmeshed in my family took some personal work.

To me the biggest factor in becoming independent is financial independence from parents. If parents have any financial involvement in an adult child's life, the child is in a sense obligated to them. This happens in many families- a grown child may attend graduate school, parents might help a child transition to being on their own. In emotionally healthy families this doesn't lead to problems- both children and parents have boundaries.

But in families that are not - it can lead to issues with both parents and grown children. One is the adult child who remains dependent and not responsible for him/herself ( the "failure to launch" or an overly intrusive parent who is too involved in an adult child's life.

It is good that you wish to be independent- and that is a healthy stage in life for an adult child, however, if you are financially dependent on your parents, it may not be possible for you to go against their wishes while receiving support. Since you mentioned medical concerns, it may not be in your best interest physically to leave suddenly. Yet being in your situation isn't good for you mentally and if it is a life threatening situation ( abuse) then it is important to not be in that situation.

However, if you are not completely independent from your parents, one idea is to have a plan. One is to have a job that would necessitate moving - to another city. If you do not have a job, and are living at home- then get one ASAP and start saving money. As an adult, you would have your own bank account. Then, in time, interview for jobs in other locations.

Financial independence is a big key to separating from parents. Emotionally separating is another thing to work on. However, sometimes being financially independent and living separately makes it easier to stay in contact with a parent if you wish to.

[Notwendy]

It looks like you have a job/place to live near your parents' home? Good. This is a start. Then, as you gain experience you may wish to interview for positions a bit farther away.

Parents have a significant amount of power and control in a child's life, however, as a child becomes an adult, the ties to a parent are mostly emotional. If the child is independent, then the parents don't have control over them. An emotionally healthy parent uses this power for the child's best interest- do your homework, be home by midnight, do your chores- the child may not immediately see that this is for his/her benefit but it is in the long run. An NPD or BPD parent doesn't see the child as an individual, but as an extension of themselves. If an adult child exerts his/her independence, then this parent may use whatever power they have to get the child to comply.

Money is power. This is something that is obvious in many situations and it could be used for good or selfish reasons. My first goal was to become financially independent from my parents as my mother controlled every penny that was given to me. Even though my father earned the income, he was only allowed to give me money if she gave permission. If I didn't comply, I would be cut off. So, I had to be able to live independently from them before I could not comply with her. Then, however, there was emotions. I was not emotionally attached to her, but I was to my father, and this made it difficult to defy her. They would cut me off emotionally too. I have a sibling who is still accepting money from her, and she is quite intrusive in this sibling's life.

I think you know that you can move wherever you wish. You are a legal adult. However, if your question is about how to do so and still accept financial help, then this can be difficult. I think you should do it if you have a job and are able to support yourself, as giving in to her control may interfere with your growth. However, you may not be able to accept money. A written agreement about money with my mother would be meaningless. If she is using that power for her own wishes in the first place, she isn't likely to give it up. If you are in the US, you can stay on their health insurance until age 26, or get your own policy which in some cases is subsidized for people under a certain income.

Have you considered talking to someone at student health? Although it is the end of the year, student health counselors are experienced in this sort of thing. They may help you in how to let your parents know your work plans.

[daughter2255]

After an emotionally and verbally abusive childhood, I went through months of therapy to examine my actions, what is wrong with me, and how I can improve for my parents. After about 6 months, I finally came to the realization that I am not the problem. Based on my parents' abusive childhoods and their behavior patterns, they are a Borderline Personality Disorder (mother)/Narcissistic Personality Disorder (father) couple. Though there is no official diagnosis, I know this pairing is common. They are a textbook case and when I read other peoples' stories of their (diagnosed) BPD/NDP parents, I swear they were watching through the window or something. Same exact situations, same exact phrases, manipulations, and abuses. My mother will snap in and out of rage saying absolutely awful things, then a couple of seconds later, deny that she said anything and wonder why I'm not light-hearted. If I point out how hurtful what she said was, I become the bad guy. You never know what you are going to get with her. My father, I swear, is incapable of sacrifice or love for the good of another. It is heartbreaking to watch their marriage. Other than this, I have mental health problems (wonder why... .) and physical health problems from growing up in this environment. Just thinking of spending time with them gives me stomach pain.

I am graduating from university next month and see it as the perfect opportunity to move out and start a new life. The past 4 years, any attempt at independence or becoming an adult has been met with abuse, saying I'm "disrespectful," etc. They just can't accept it. So, I am going to have to make all my plans and then just tell them. But I don't know how to do this. I heard I should tell them in public? Do I wait until right before graduation, or do I give them the next three weeks? I don't even want to tell them where I'll be living or working because it will still be close to where they live.

Anyone else who has had experience with moving out of their BPD/NPD parent household, do you have any advice?

I don't really have moving advice but I must say wow our moms are so alike. I too, understand them in the way that because of their childhoods it maakes so much sense. I too, am finishing school and can't wait to move out. same with my mom, never know what Im gonna get with her. I am in the wrong or it's in my "imagination" if she freaked out and took something the wrong way... good to know there are ppl like there out like me-I have a tough time making friends because of all this.