what really happens to our brains?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

5 year relationship, out of it for 7 months. I still live in the same apartment as expwBPD. Dumb I know but it hasn't been a simple exercise to move. She had a guy there last night and it really shook me. I don't know why. I knew it would happen one day and as I expected, with someone we know who is a real deadhead. I felt so sick I couldn't eat and all the time thinking, why the hell do I even care. I was scared I wouldn't sleep but I slept OK, just woke a few times stressing over it and went back to sleep. I still feel horrible and I can't figure out why. I can clearly explain all of the horrible things she has done to me so why do I still want her back? I am getting so sick and tired of feeling this way. What the hell was so special about her? If I look objectively, sure she is attractive and fun and we had a lot in common, but she's not that amazing. So what was she able to do to me to make this so hard to get rid of and is it some flaw in me that she exploited. I need this to be over and never happen again. I couldn't do it again. Do I still want the last word or to be proven right somehow? Is it closure I need? I have never been a jealous person but it seems some of what I'm feeling is jealousy. I really need to move house and feel so drained that I am avoiding it. In a tiny way I also feel like it is another nail in the coffin of here ever coming back - why the hell would I worry about that when she's f@#king someone else and parking his car right in front of my place? How can I unprogram whatever she has put in my head? Why would I want her back when I know that even with adherence to the best therapy over the long term, it would never be a joyous relationship? Why do I care that he is a grub and not a good person to be around her or her daughter? I even contemplate how long it will last before she does the same to him and wonder if then she will come back - this is really nuts! And I need to be rid of it. What on earth has happened to my brain?

[AndrewS]

5 year relationship, out of it for 7 months. I still live in the same apartment as expwBPD. Dumb I know but it hasn't been a simple exercise to move. She had a guy there last night and it really shook me. I don't know why. I knew it would happen one day and as I expected, with someone we know who is a real deadhead. I felt so sick I couldn't eat and all the time thinking, why the hell do I even care. I was scared I wouldn't sleep but I slept OK, just woke a few times stressing over it and went back to sleep. I still feel horrible and I can't figure out why. I can clearly explain all of the horrible things she has done to me so why do I still want her back? I am getting so sick and tired of feeling this way. What the hell was so special about her? If I look objectively, sure she is attractive and fun and we had a lot in common, but she's not that amazing. So what was she able to do to me to make this so hard to get rid of and is it some flaw in me that she exploited. I need this to be over and never happen again. I couldn't do it again. Do I still want the last word or to be proven right somehow? Is it closure I need? I have never been a jealous person but it seems some of what I'm feeling is jealousy. I really need to move house and feel so drained that I am avoiding it. In a tiny way I also feel like it is another nail in the coffin of here ever coming back - why the hell would I worry about that when she's f@#king someone else and parking his car right in front of my place? How can I unprogram whatever she has put in my head? Why would I want her back when I know that even with adherence to the best therapy over the long term, it would never be a joyous relationship? Why do I care that he is a grub and not a good person to be around her or her daughter? I even contemplate how long it will last before she does the same to him and wonder if then she will come back - this is really nuts! And I need to be rid of it. What on earth has happened to my brain?

[sflearnignbpd]

Why are you still allowing her to live at your place if you haven't been together for 7 months?  The first step for me to move forward was getting her out and living a separate life. 

[vortex of confusion]

why the hell would I worry about that when she's f@#king someone else and parking his car right in front of my place?

To me, that is tacky and disrespectful. It is like she is rubbing your nose in what she is doing. At least that is how I feel when my stbx talks about his lady "friends". I have been wracking my brain as to why him talking about these women bothers me. I am dating somebody else so it really shouldn't bug me. The truth is that it does. It bothers me because it feels like he is rubbing my nose in these other women. I go out of my way to NOT bring up my boyfriend around him. He will go so far as to ask about him and I usually refuse to answer.

We dabbled with an open relationship at one point. He accused me of having a double standard. I could never seem to get him to understand that the way he conducts himself is thoughtless and rude. If he and I are going to see other people, then it should be done quietly. I don't like seeing or hearing about his escapades. For me, it hurts more than anything because I spent a lot of years begging him for that kind of attention only to be dismissed or ignored. Some new chick comes along and he can get excited about her and take her on dates and do stuff for her that he didn't/wouldn't do for me. Just this morning, he and I were talking (we have 4 kids and a lot of shared business stuff) and he had to tell me about his latest love interest. He had to tell me that she isn't like all of the other chicks that he has chased. He feels different about her. She is special. WOW! I wanted to puke because 1. In 18 years, he hasn't really chased me. 2. The way he said it made it sound as though he didn't see me as special and that she stands out. Talk about feeling like I was kicked in the gut. The last thing I want to hear is that the father of my children has found some woman that he thinks is special and is different from all the rest. 

 This stuff is difficult!

[Wood stock]

So sorry you're going through this. Your story is similar to mine--I've worked so hard at the relationship and my BPD partner just uses and abuses me something terrible. So... .after three years of pure hell, why do I care?

A little background on me so you can understand... .I am a very strong, self-supporting middle-aged woman. I have survived a divorce, an unexpected death of a live-in boyfriend and then three years later a suicide of a fiancé.  I'm smart--I'm a teacher with a master's degree. I actually sued my school district twice (and won) for discrimination and other "crap." My family has shunned me because I stay with this BPD man who is abusive and just plain scary. I've seen fire and I've seen rain. I'm the "rock" in my circle of girlfriends. So I hear you... .what is wrong with my brain?

Reading your post about "why do I care?" Somewhat helped me so I wanted to reach out. You said maybe because you just want to prove that you're right? That hit home with me. This will be our third break and so this isn't my first time. Why did I go back? All good questions... .and I think it comes down to what you said--our wanting to be right--so that the world makes sense again. My BPDbf is someone who twists and turns the story so badly I don't know which end is up. I've learned from this website that its projection and basically him wanting to drag me down to his miserable level.

And y'know what: I've tried every strategy to get him to see the TRUTH of where the problem is. He refuses to see it. Actually said he was going to sue the counselor we were seeing because she suggested BPD. (That's how I learned about BPD.) Anyhow... .I'm over being right and having him say, "You were so right and I was so wrong. Please forgive me" To heck with it. I'M RIGHT over here in normal world. He is wrong. Maybe someday he will get it. But probably not. But I am done having him suck the life out of me.

Sounds like that's where you need to get mentally and emotionally. And it sounds like you need to get her out or find another place to live. So you can breathe. They suck the life right out of ya, I'm telling you. But you have to get away--for real away--to really see it. Take care.

Thanks for making me think. Hope I helped you.    

[sflearnignbpd]

Hi Andrew,

Sorry for the short initial response. 

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why I was still in the relationship with my exBPDw.  My family and friends, her son, and her friends all kept asking me why I was still putting up with the chaos and insanity.  They told me I deserved better.  I had to wait until I was ready to end it completely.  She probably cheated on me, along with other things, but prefer not to know the details.  It would hurt me to hear about it.  She would have brought guys over if we still lived together after the break up.  She always told me how she could go out and get laid any night that she wanted or how all guys want to have sex with her.  I have not been a jealous person in other relationships, but she said and did a lot of things that helped me to turn into a very jealous person.  On our 1 month wedding anniversary she stole my phone, locked herself in a room for an hour, found a year old message from an female friend that she felt was too personal.  After reading it went into a rage and told me she was going to get revenge by getting having sex with a random stranger. 

It has been 3 months NC and I feel a lot better.  I am still healing.  I have doubted myself at times, but know that it is the best for me.  Keep coming back here.  This place has helped me a lot in my journey.  Reading other people's stories just reminds me how sick she is and is helping me to quit second guessing myself. 

[JerryRG]

Hello everyone

I was thinking about my exBPDgf, the only thing I can really assume about her for sure is her self hatred, she has done things to herself and allowed others to do things that are truly sick. She claims many many rapes and her suicide gestures are way to many to count.

It was obvious to me she hated herself before I started a relationship with her and I thought I could save her.

My point? She's a master at broadcasting her victum status and there are guys who like me want to save her before she can destroy herself or realize her potential. Then the most horrible thing imaginable takes over and she turns on the rescuer and begs for conflict as if to fulfill her need to be treated poorly thus assuring herself she deserves to be treated like trash?

My ex practically begged for fights as if to invite conflict, she fed off violence. She asked me to hit her one time.

So she uses me to abuse herself?

No wonder I'm torn up in confusion, I'm just a pawn in her sick play, I'm forced to do the very thing I never wanted. Hurting someone who I love.

She begs for help then bites me when I try?

How else do I go from rescuing to fighting with her all the time.

Does she hate herself so much she builds a loving relationship only to destroy it proving she does not deserve love?

I hope I haven't slipped another cog and I'm way off point.

[AndrewS]

Thanks for all the responses.

Just to clarify she lives in a separate apartment in the same building, not actually with me but very close.

Yes Wood Stock, it all helps. I think what we are suffering is some sort of very powerful conditioning like explained here - www.thenarcissisticpersonality.com/trauma-bonding/

Jerry RG, yes she hates herself. Doesn't go as far as self harm but has done things that are so disrespectful to herself that it guts me.

I'm at the point now where I feel intense care and love for her and can't understand why after what she has done to me. The only thing that makes sense so far is what's in the link.

[JerryRG]

So in truth we suffer only because we care about them and we cannot be held accountable because we didn't cause their disorder nor can we cure it or control it.

I felt so guilty and I think it's because my exBPD blamed everything on me.

I thought I failed her, truth is she failed herself

Well this sucks but I can let my guilt go.

I hope you find some peace Andrews

PwBPD do love to hurt us and they know how, I need to disarm my ex and let the toxic shame fade away.

O, what a tangled web we weave when first we practise to deceive! Walter Scott

[AndrewS]

I don't feel guilt. I feel like I have been robbed of a big chunk of my life. I'm somewhere between angry and confused at how this could have happened to me. I guess it's how cult members feel when they are extracted or the cult falls apart.

It's sort of PTSD we are dealing with. I go from one minute feeling sick in my gut that she is with someone else right in front of me, to feeling sad that she is not respecting herself, to wanting to get so far away and knowing she will only ever hurt me, and then back again, over and over and over. I just want it to stop.

[JerryRG]

That is exactly how I think and feel Andrew. Then the cycle comes around again, reminds me of the cycle of abuse chart. If evil does exist this is it and yes I've seen evil. PTSD indeed. My pastor and another friend pastor and my exes current pastor all know she's influenced by evil. She thrives on hurting people and invents horror.

She deprived her ex husband of intimacy for months then cheats on him, he divorced her and burned all her belongings. My ex was with a friend of hers and this friend had voodoo dolls of me (lies?)

my ex just laughed at the thought of someone trying to harm me.


Stay away, stay far away

[AndrewS]

we need a worldwide or country based conference where all of us can get together and talk, cry, party in safety :-)

[JerryRG]

Agreed

[once removed]

hi AndrewS 

youre dead on. actually a lot happens to our brains. are brains are wired for bonding - this is a very loaded bond.

The Biology and Neuroscience of Breaking Up 

ps. the link you shared pertains to narcissists (BPD and NPD are two very different disorders) and the motives attributed are pretty far off from BPD psychopathology. it may help to stick to clinical information about BPD.

[AndrewS]

Hi Once Removed,

Yes you are right, the disorders are quite different, although many seem to share traits. However, I had one of those light bulb moments when I read that link because I simply couldn't figure out why I still long for someone who effectively hurt me to the depths of my soul. I sort of see it now like I look at her and know she is unwell and would do exactly the same again, if not worse, but I still ache for her, so, I think the longing is a separate process in my brain that I can't turn off, yet. That process was built by her push/pull - punish/reward system and my susceptibility. Now I need the key to unprogramming it :-)

[once removed]

I simply couldn't figure out why I still long for someone who effectively hurt me to the depths of my soul. I sort of see it now like I look at her and know she is unwell and would do exactly the same again, if not worse, but I still ache for her,

i forgot to add a point about that: i spent the first couple of months of my recovery telling myself that something was wrong with me for still feeling something about my ex. especially after i was replaced, and stolen from. i tried, desperately, to stay in a mode of anger and/or disdain to stave off the pain. frankly it made me feel worse. finally it occurred to me that my feelings were valid (as feelings always are), that i was deeply mourning and grieving. my recovery got a lot smoother when i accepted my feelings and said to myself "it is okay to pine for someone who has hurt me."

in your case, you were also triggered, and her behavior was insensitive. your reaction, and your feelings, make perfect sense to me. you cannot force them away. what you can do is acknowledge, accept, self validate, and work through them. you had what im assuming was a volatile relationship, with many close, intimate moments (it was five years, after all). things like healthy expressions of anger, or exercises like writing a list of bad qualities can help if we are focusing too much on the good moments, but (and im not suggesting youre doing this) denying the good moments, or rewriting them, is not being true to ourselves and may keep us stuck.

perhaps you too have been telling yourself in some form that there is something wrong with you for feeling this way, for a person who hurt you to the depths of your soul, and youve tried to banish those thoughts and feelings. perhaps it is keeping you stuck?

[AndrewS]

Thanks Once Removed,

That makes sense and I'm sure I am doing some of that. I will take what you have said on board.