How to hold it together when you see them

[HurtIII]

Been NC for nearly one month (other than 1 email exchange related to work), but cant help my heart racing when I see her from a distance. See, we work together, and I know that I will eventually run into her at some point. Been doing some of the self work to focus on me, but my body still has a physical response whenever I see her. Still ruminating about the replacement I think she has found and beginning to feel anxiety and lil depression set it. Have taken time off, done a few trips, but still cant shake this feeling. Drinking daily but still managing to handle my responsibilities. Not sure if she is hurting in any way at all, but this torture for me. 

[Anez]

I work with mine, too, and totally understand how you feel. I feel the same way, tho it's been five months or so and it's getting better. My T has taught me to look at her whole picture when I see her and to remind myself of the bad that she did to me.

She's like an addiction. My brain see's her as a reward. It's like if you're a smoker. when you first quit smoking your brain wants that drug. It sees a cigarette or someone smoking it and your brain goes in overdrive and your body feels anxiety. But over time that craving becomes less intense. then months down the road your at a gas station and see cigarettes behind the counter and your brain doesn't even think of them, let alone want them.

We're rewiring our brains and it's going to take time. My T thinks working with my ex is helpful because it forces me to deal with these feelings head on and that will only help with my recovery.

Does it suck? Yea, of course it does! But time will heal this wound. It always does.

be easy on yourself!

[WoundedBibi]

Been NC for nearly one month (other than 1 email exchange related to work), but cant help my heart racing when I see her from a distance. See, we work together, and I know that I will eventually run into her at some point. Been doing some of the self work to focus on me, but my body still has a physical response whenever I see her. Still ruminating about the replacement I think she has found and beginning to feel anxiety and lil depression set it. Have taken time off, done a few trips, but still cant shake this feeling. Drinking daily but still managing to handle my responsibilities. Not sure if she is hurting in any way at all, but this torture for me. 

At least you are not working together where you have to deal with each other on a daily basis as I had to with my ex. So things could be worse. The anxiety I recognize although that had much more to do with his flying monkeys and not so much with him or how I felt about him. Have you tried listening to music as I wrote before? Trying to create a Pavlov effect?

Be VERY careful with the drinking... It doesn't help with regards to the depression as you should know...

I understand working together can feel as torture. Are there other options? A transfer? A sabbatical? Sick leave? Another job?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey HurtIII, You might want to come up with a strategy to employ whenever you see her or have to interact with her at work.  You are perceptive to notice how just the sight of her affects you on a physical level.  The logical place to start is with your breathing, which is something within your control.  If you take several deep breaths when you see her, it might help you to get centered again.  There is also a great book out there called the Relaxation Response, by a Harvard guy who researched an antidote to the "fight or flight" response that we often experience when under stress.  Worth checking out.

LuckyJim

[HurtIII]

Hey... .been pretty much burning my ipod out and taking every opportunity to get away to deal with my thoughts.  Actually  did think that possibly seeing her everyday could work to my advantage by forcing me to confront things,  but just don't trust myself in how I will handle it. Will I ignore and act like she doesn't exist... .should I just greet and keep moving... .who knows. Just finding myself feeling very anxious about it.  Trying to tell myself that she has moved on and could care less about any interaction so it really shouldn't matter how I respond.  Guess I'm been trying to figure out what I want to do and be ok with

[WoundedBibi]

Hey... .been pretty much burning my ipod out and taking every opportunity to get away to deal with my thoughts.

Good! Well Pavlov probably needed some time training his dogs  and I do remember I needed some weeks before the music started working for me in reverse order (falling asleep when not able to) as I trained myself to listen to it at the right time (when actually sleepy). So do keep listening to soothing music at home when you are relaxed so you can use it at work when confronted with her.

Actually  did think that possibly seeing her everyday could work to my advantage by forcing me to confront things,  but just don't trust myself in how I will handle it. Will I ignore and act like she doesn't exist... .should I just greet and keep moving... .who knows. Just finding myself feeling very anxious about it.  Trying to tell myself that she has moved on and could care less about any interaction so it really shouldn't matter how I respond.  Guess I'm been trying to figure out what I want to do and be ok with

Handling it is one thing. You're completely passing over how you are feeling... How you respond does matter because you should be able to feel good about yourself at the end of the day. And it is WORK so in that respect the way you repond matters too.

What do you mean with 'what you want to do'? The way you repond? Greet? Ignore? Wouldn't it be good to first see how you feel and then determine what response would feel good?

[HurtIII]

Never thought about it that way... .in terms of letting my feelings drive my response. Trying to work on the knot that is in stomach now just thinking about the possibility of seeing her.

[WoundedBibi]

Never thought about it that way... .in terms of letting my feelings drive my response. Trying to work on the knot that is in stomach now just thinking about the possibility of seeing her.

The knot is nerves and/or anxiety.

Can you determine what you are nervous or anxious about?

[HurtIII]

Not receiving any validation that she misses me at all. Know that it is about me now and that I shouldnt even care, but my addiction is talking and still miss the times we had together. Know that recycle takes two and that it would be shorter each time, but miss her laugh and smile. Know that she was probably mirroring me, but miss her touch and kiss. Know that she has moved on, but still want to be with her. Bottom line, knot in stomach cause I none of that is real or what I should want from her

[WoundedBibi]

Not receiving any validation that she misses me at all. Know that it is about me now and that I shouldnt even care, but my addiction is talking and still miss the times we had together. Know that recycle takes two and that it would be shorter each time, but miss her laugh and smile. Know that she was probably mirroring me, but miss her touch and kiss. Know that she has moved on, but still want to be with her. Bottom line, knot in stomach cause I none of that is real or what I should want from her

So you're still trying to kick your urge to get your fix.

[Feelinstronger]

Hello HurtIII.  I know it is so very hard to handle seeing your ex.  I see mine at church nearly every Sunday, and often around town.  We have been NC for 4 months now.  At first, I nearly felt sick.  Now, 4 months out, I still hurt seeing him, because for 5 years, seeing him was a source of happiness, smiles, hugs!  To have all that disappear - and now seeing him be a cause for total avoidance - well, its not natural.  I am here to say that over time, you will become stronger.  It may always cause some degree of sadness, or hurt.  Your feelings, your relationship, was authentic.  That is a good thing.  But over time, even if you continue to love your former partner (I will always love mine), the pain will gradually evolve, become less nausiating and piercing - the pain will dull little by little.  There is no shame in being sad over losing a person you loved deeply.  It makes you a real human person.  And God willing, a day will come when someone better suited, and healthy, will be in your path and you will find happiness again.  Best of luck to you during this process.