The Unbearable Sadness

[Depression = 72% of members]

Lifewriter, I completely agree.

I've been taking care of myself and others my entire life. By the time I was nine I was taking care of my little siblings... .washing them, cooking them dinner while standing on a chair by the stove, putting them to bed and reading them stories. I was on my own by age 15, and like other ladies here, am sure I always presented as completely independent, strong, and capable of handling anything. My whole life people have said I am "tough." I'm not tough. I am a survivor, though, and thriving.

The idea you propose, that my needs may seem less with a healthier man who isn't triggering me, is a new one for me and one I am really trying on for size! Because I think it is true. Like a lot of childhood abuse victims, I was taught that I was too needy. As a child you don't stop to think you aren't needy because you want love, affection or food or shelter, you assume that whatever your parent is projecting on you must be true.

My therapist says a healthy partner would respond to my emotional needs as perfectly reasonable. That's what I need to believe, and it is difficult to overcome a lifetime of fear and believe that.

[HurtinNW]

Lifewriter, I completely agree.

I've been taking care of myself and others my entire life. By the time I was nine I was taking care of my little siblings... .washing them, cooking them dinner while standing on a chair by the stove, putting them to bed and reading them stories. I was on my own by age 15, and like other ladies here, am sure I always presented as completely independent, strong, and capable of handling anything. My whole life people have said I am "tough." I'm not tough. I am a survivor, though, and thriving.

The idea you propose, that my needs may seem less with a healthier man who isn't triggering me, is a new one for me and one I am really trying on for size! Because I think it is true. Like a lot of childhood abuse victims, I was taught that I was too needy. As a child you don't stop to think you aren't needy because you want love, affection or food or shelter, you assume that whatever your parent is projecting on you must be true.

My therapist says a healthy partner would respond to my emotional needs as perfectly reasonable. That's what I need to believe, and it is difficult to overcome a lifetime of fear and believe that.

[Narkiss]

Hurtin: Can I tell you a story? A friend just told me this: Her college roommate is a successful pediatrician. She was repeatedly molested by her father. Her mother did not deny it. Instead, she blamed her for instigating the abuse. When she was in high school, she tried to commit suicide twice -- and was serious about it. She married a successful, emotionally cold person who was likely gay (he liked to watch gay porn). They had three children. One of them is severely disabled. After 20 years she had enough and divorced him (it took several tries). Now, she is remarried to a great guy who knows the whole story and accepts it and her.

We have feelings, fears really, that are so strong and vivid they feel real, like facts. They are not always. My childhood did not have nearly the level of abuse as yours, but I have always felt like damaged goods that no one who was sane and normal would ever want. I'm beginning to explore the idea that maybe someone would.

[Lifewriter16]

Can I hazard another guess that when you were given the impression you were too needy, it was because you needed anything at all rather than because you needed excessively? I suspect your need level is actually pretty normal... .even if it feels excessive.

LW x

[HurtinNW]

Hurtin: Can I tell you a story? A friend just told me this: Her college roommate is a successful pediatrician. She was repeatedly molested by her father. Her mother did not deny it. Instead, she blamed her for instigating the abuse. When she was in high school, she tried to commit suicide twice -- and was serious about it. She married a successful, emotionally cold person who was likely gay (he liked to watch gay porn). They had three children. One of them is severely disabled. After 20 years she had enough and divorced him (it took several tries). Now, she is remarried to a great guy who knows the whole story and accepts it and her.

We have feelings, fears really, that are so strong and vivid they feel real, like facts. They are not always. My childhood did not have nearly the level of abuse as yours, but I have always felt like damaged goods that no one who was sane and normal would ever want. I'm beginning to explore the idea that maybe someone would.

Thank you. That is exactly the monster I have tried to confront. I have felt like no one "good" would accept me. I've felt like damaged goods. Yet part of me has fought back, hence the fights with ex. Ex knew the way to reduce me was to hit that nerve, over and over again. The idea that a nice, good, sane, loving and healthy guy would love me is new and difficult to accept.

I've been really impacted by the marriages of some friends and writers who have awesome husbands despite (because?) of being very open about childhood sexual abuse, including one friend who penned a bestselling memoir about being abused, using drugs, and sexually acting out, and she later met an incredible man who adores and admires her, and they are blissfully happy.

I look at that and think, I want that. I want to be able to be myself and be loved for it.

Lifewriter: yes, exactly. I was deemed too needy for wanting basics like food and safety.