Hurtin: Can I tell you a story? A friend just told me this: Her college roommate is a successful pediatrician. She was repeatedly molested by her father. Her mother did not deny it. Instead, she blamed her for instigating the abuse. When she was in high school, she tried to commit suicide twice -- and was serious about it. She married a successful, emotionally cold person who was likely gay (he liked to watch gay porn). They had three children. One of them is severely disabled. After 20 years she had enough and divorced him (it took several tries). Now, she is remarried to a great guy who knows the whole story and accepts it and her.
We have feelings, fears really, that are so strong and vivid they feel real, like facts. They are not always. My childhood did not have nearly the level of abuse as yours, but I have always felt like damaged goods that no one who was sane and normal would ever want. I'm beginning to explore the idea that maybe someone would.
Thank you. That is exactly the monster I have tried to confront. I have felt like no one "good" would accept me. I've felt like damaged goods. Yet part of me has fought back, hence the fights with ex. Ex knew the way to reduce me was to hit that nerve, over and over again. The idea that a nice, good, sane, loving and healthy guy would love me is new and difficult to accept.
I've been really impacted by the marriages of some friends and writers who have awesome husbands despite (because?) of being very open about childhood sexual abuse, including one friend who penned a bestselling memoir about being abused, using drugs, and sexually acting out, and she later met an incredible man who adores and admires her, and they are blissfully happy.
I look at that and think, I want that. I want to be able to be myself and be loved for it.
Lifewriter: yes, exactly. I was deemed too needy for wanting basics like food and safety.
