If I Could Just Prove My Innocence

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm in the craziest ride of my life right now. I'm going to make this as short as possible. Please help me

Me and my exBPD partner were beginning to talk again, and starting to get back together. I HAVE NEVER CHEATED ON HER EVER! In a night of drunken stupidity, I asked a girl who I trusted to come pick me up from the bar. I have never been so drunk in my life, and I even called my BPD partner, and she didn't come and get me.

I don't remember much, but from what I was told by the girl who picked me up, I passed out on her couch, and she took it upon herself to take advantage of me trying to perform oral sex, and ending up giving me chlamydia in the process. I was NOT made aware of this until after I started to contract symptoms and get tested.

Surely I denied hooking up with anyone because I didn't. At least not to my knowledge or with my consent. After a few days of NC and misery, the girl who took advantage told me the truth and alleviated my confusion with how I contracted the infection.

I called my partner with excitement! I knew that I hadn't cheated on her, and this proved it! At least so I thought. My partner painted me black, and with a few phone calls with a few weeks of NC separating each one, she wasn't budging.

I saw her in person for the first time last night. She called me while at dinner to try to get me to see her that night to exchange some of our things, and began lying about something in the process. I was so infuriated with her lies that I was firm and set strong boundaries. She backed off, and I felt confident about the situation. She told me that she was crushed over the break-up and ensured me that it wasn't easy for her either. She still insists that she is madly in love with me.

I ended up seeing her last night because I heard that she made an online dating profile, and I was scared and enraged. I saw her, and we spent FOUR HOURS talking, hooking up, cuddling, crying, arguing, and by the end of it, she was mad and exhausted, and she left. I haven't spoken to her since and plan to giver her a little space.

I have text message evidence to support my story that I did not hook up with this girl. She doesn't want to get back because she doesn't have any trust for me anymore, and she feels betrayed which is understandable. I am going to show her and her parents (who also hate me now) the evidence next Wednesday to try to salvage our relationship.

I understand that she doesn't have trust, but I'm truly a victim and she is a past victim of rape, so surely she should understand! I'm trying to prove to her that I didn't do it and potentially get us couples counseling (if we decide to try again) to try to regain the trust and try to be painted white again.

Do you have any advice? I'm desperate. I can't eat or sleep, and last night I feel as if I ruined everything. How can I regain her trust? How can I get her to stop painting me black, and at least recognize that I am not the evil monster she is making me out to be?

If I could just get this off my chest, I could move on.

Thank you all.

[Saradane]

I'm in the craziest ride of my life right now. I'm going to make this as short as possible. Please help me

Me and my exBPD partner were beginning to talk again, and starting to get back together. I HAVE NEVER CHEATED ON HER EVER! In a night of drunken stupidity, I asked a girl who I trusted to come pick me up from the bar. I have never been so drunk in my life, and I even called my BPD partner, and she didn't come and get me.

I don't remember much, but from what I was told by the girl who picked me up, I passed out on her couch, and she took it upon herself to take advantage of me trying to perform oral sex, and ending up giving me chlamydia in the process. I was NOT made aware of this until after I started to contract symptoms and get tested.

Surely I denied hooking up with anyone because I didn't. At least not to my knowledge or with my consent. After a few days of NC and misery, the girl who took advantage told me the truth and alleviated my confusion with how I contracted the infection.

I called my partner with excitement! I knew that I hadn't cheated on her, and this proved it! At least so I thought. My partner painted me black, and with a few phone calls with a few weeks of NC separating each one, she wasn't budging.

I saw her in person for the first time last night. She called me while at dinner to try to get me to see her that night to exchange some of our things, and began lying about something in the process. I was so infuriated with her lies that I was firm and set strong boundaries. She backed off, and I felt confident about the situation. She told me that she was crushed over the break-up and ensured me that it wasn't easy for her either. She still insists that she is madly in love with me.

I ended up seeing her last night because I heard that she made an online dating profile, and I was scared and enraged. I saw her, and we spent FOUR HOURS talking, hooking up, cuddling, crying, arguing, and by the end of it, she was mad and exhausted, and she left. I haven't spoken to her since and plan to giver her a little space.

I have text message evidence to support my story that I did not hook up with this girl. She doesn't want to get back because she doesn't have any trust for me anymore, and she feels betrayed which is understandable. I am going to show her and her parents (who also hate me now) the evidence next Wednesday to try to salvage our relationship.

I understand that she doesn't have trust, but I'm truly a victim and she is a past victim of rape, so surely she should understand! I'm trying to prove to her that I didn't do it and potentially get us couples counseling (if we decide to try again) to try to regain the trust and try to be painted white again.

Do you have any advice? I'm desperate. I can't eat or sleep, and last night I feel as if I ruined everything. How can I regain her trust? How can I get her to stop painting me black, and at least recognize that I am not the evil monster she is making me out to be?

If I could just get this off my chest, I could move on.

Thank you all.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Sardane, Simple answer is: No, you can't prove your innocence, particularly with a pwBPD.  Suggest you stop trying to control something that is out of your control, i.e., her view of you.  LJ

[WoundedBibi]

Apart from luckyjim being right that you cannot control her view of you (especially with pwBPD) you are totally contradicting yourself. You say you want to be painted white again (please remember that this is never the pristine white you were at first, more an offwhite) and salvage the relationship but at the same time you're saying that you just need to get this off your chest so you can move on.

So which one is it? Salvaging or moving on?

[JayReader27]

No BPD's have the ablity to imagine situations, believe they are reality, and make judgement based only on emotions. So there is no way you can prove your innocence, I personally would stop trying. You are just going to stress yourself out.

[Saradane]

Apart from luckyjim being right that you cannot control her view of you (especially with pwBPD) you are totally contradicting yourself. You say you want to be painted white again (please remember that this is never the pristine white you were at first, more an offwhite) and salvage the relationship but at the same time you're saying that you just need to get this off your chest so you can move on.

So which one is it? Salvaging or moving on?

I want to be painted white again for the option at least. I hate that because of something that I am a victim of, we are ending the relationship. To me, this is the wrost possible circumstance other than her cheating on me.

[Saradane]

No BPD's have the ablity to imagine situations, believe they are reality, and make judgement based only on emotions. So there is no way you can prove your innocence, I personally would stop trying. You are just going to stress yourself out.

I guess I got her to agree to a sit down with me to go over everything and prove that I actually didn't do it. I know that I can prove that, but the thing that is causing her anger and pain is her lack of trust in me. I promised her that I would never cheat or do anything else with a girl, and even though I was taken advantage of, and she's sad that I got this drunk (even though shes been this drunk before). 

[JayReader27]

Apart from luckyjim being right that you cannot control her view of you (especially with pwBPD) you are totally contradicting yourself. You say you want to be painted white again (please remember that this is never the pristine white you were at first, more an offwhite) and salvage the relationship but at the same time you're saying that you just need to get this off your chest so you can move on.

So which one is it? Salvaging or moving on?

I want to be painted white again for the option at least. I hate that because of something that I am a victim of, we are ending the relationship. To me, this is the worst possible circumstance other than her cheating on me.

You may not like what I say but, seems like you are in need of the truth. Sometimes we can not clearly analyze a situation if we are still tangled in it. You will never have those clean white happy moments with her like you did in the beginning of the relationship. Bpd's value and devalue you. Imagine her building up her perception of you with blocks. You know that she has a tendency to destroy everything she builds, and that no building is going to be exactly the same. BPd's can imagine "slights" or in other words situations that are not based in reality.

The first time she builds you up it's with all of the blocks she owns, but now she has this fear that what she has built is going to come crashing down on her. So she knocks it down... some of those blocks she is going to keep for herself this time around(trust issues).

The second time this drunken horrible incident happens. So she knocks the building down again, and uses even less blocks to rebuild her perception of you.

So she is only going to continue building you up with less and less blocks. Eventually you are going to be left with a sour relationship. If you want to save your relationship, you have to realize that there is no such thing as compromise, or reasoning with them. You need to state how you feel what you would like to do with the relationship and leave it be. Chasing after her is only going to make things worse, because it reinforces you being painted black. "I knew he was guilty that's why he is chasing me now"- that kind of thinking. Good Luck.  

[WoundedBibi]

No BPD's have the ablity to imagine situations, believe they are reality, and make judgement based only on emotions. So there is no way you can prove your innocence, I personally would stop trying. You are just going to stress yourself out.

I guess I got her to agree to a sit down with me to go over everything and prove that I actually didn't do it. I know that I can prove that, but the thing that is causing her anger and pain is her lack of trust in me. I promised her that I would never cheat or do anything else with a girl, and even though I was taken advantage of, and she's sad that I got this drunk (even though shes been this drunk before). 

You can't prove it. You are looking at this from a rational point of view. The text from the girl is the proof. For your ex her feelings are proof. Is doesn't matter to her if you took a polygraph, if you had a tape of the girl admitting what she did, for a pwBPD feelings = facts. What she feels is true. She feels betrayed. So she is. No matter what you say.

[JayReader27]

No BPD's have the ablity to imagine situations, believe they are reality, and make judgement based only on emotions. So there is no way you can prove your innocence, I personally would stop trying. You are just going to stress yourself out.

I guess I got her to agree to a sit down with me to go over everything and prove that I actually didn't do it. I know that I can prove that, but the thing that is causing her anger and pain is her lack of trust in me. I promised her that I would never cheat or do anything else with a girl, and even though I was taken advantage of, and she's sad that I got this drunk (even though shes been this drunk before). 

exactyly. polygraph

You can't prove it. You are looking at this from a rational point of view. The text from the girl is the proof. For your ex her feelings are proof. Is doesn't matter to her if you took a polygraph, if you had a tape of the girl admitting what she did, for a pwBPD feelings = facts. What she feels is true. She feels betrayed. So she is. No matter what you say.

[JerryRG]

Hello Saradane

I agree with everyone here and can give you just one incident I experienced with my exBPDgf.

I took my daughter to the clinic in our community and as we left it was about closing time and my daughter and walked out the front door and she recognized a friend cleaning the windows, they said hello and we got into my car and drove home.

Later that same day my exgf asked why I lied about taking my daughter and that the exgf was at the clinic during the same time yet didn't see either of us.

I was shocked as usual and tried to defend myself by beginning a call to my daughter so she could tell the truth to my exgf. I added that the friend my daughter met on our way out of the clinic was also a witness to us actually being at the clinic at the exact time I said.

While my phone was ringing she slapped it out of my hand in a fit of rage and never believed me even though I wasn't lying and I had many witnesses to prove it.

To her feelings were facts and I wasted a lot of energy trying to convince her through the last 4 years things she thought were not reality.

[Saradane]

Just an update. I'm so confused. 

She called me last night to return some shoes that I told her to just throw away. We had been fighting all day, so I didn't call her anymore since the morning. She was kind of rude to me on the phone and even though I insisted that I didn't want the shoes, she still demanded that she come see me and drop them off. I was not rude to her once on the phone! I used some techniques and was very calm and polite the whole time.

I saw her picked up my shoes, and said thank you. Her demeanor had changed in the two minutes that we got off the phone to when she arrived at my house. She was so sweet and asked for a hug which I gave her. And then I went inside.

She called me 5 minutes later sad because the semester is ending and she is moving out of the Sorority house, and I offered to see her. I didn't talk about the relationship at all. We were laughing and playing and having a good time. We ended up cuddling and talking about an hour nap when she wanted to hook up. I was kissing her neck and things like that, nothing more, and then I finally kissed her. She was so scared by the kiss due to the anger she still has about me being taken advantage of. We went back to sleep, and suddenly she wanted to leave without warning.

I gave her a good bye hug and she told me that she doesn't want to get back together because the kiss wasn't right and she is still repulsed. I told her that it was normal, and that I didn't want to talk about the relationship and asked her to have a good night.

I'm not going to text her first. Any suggestions or advice? What is happening here?

[livednlearned]

You seem to be on the emotional roller coaster with her every inch of the way. Her moods/emotions change in an instant and you react. It's a lot of conflict and not a stable, sustainable way to be in a BPD relationship.

No amount of proof will change that, and it's not the point of any of this, as others have said.

Instead, you have to hold steady, including when you make mistakes.

Get a 30,000 foot view of things and remain stable yourself. It seems like you struggle to do that, your own emotions responding to hers, which are volatile, and the circle goes around and around.  

Can you see this?

[Saradane]

You seem to be on the emotional roller coaster with her every inch of the way. Her moods/emotions change in an instant and you react. It's a lot of conflict and not a stable, sustainable way to be in a BPD relationship.

No amount of proof will change that, and it's not the point of any of this, as others have said.

Instead, you have to hold steady, including when you make mistakes.

Get a 30,000 foot view of things and remain stable yourself. It seems like you struggle to do that, your own emotions responding to hers, which are volatile, and the circle goes around and around.  

Can you see this?

I can. I am done trying to fix the relationship. I'm just confused as to what last night was for. She wanted to come see me, she's terribly hurt by all this, and we had a pretty decent time. I haven' reached out to her today, and I don't plan on doing so. She seems to be having this internal struggle about me, and I just want to know what to do and how to act going forward.

But yes, I do react to her emotions, especially the positive ones. Should I not react to those either?