Tried my hand at dating. Doesn't seem fair. Thoughts?

[Ithoughtitwasrea]

After much encouragement from friends and family and my therapist I decided to push myself out of my comfort zone a little bit and go on a couple of dates.

I've been so nervous. So aprehensive about getting hurt again. So worried that she has damaged my ability to have a loving relationship with someone in the future. Really concerned that I'd be carrying unwanted baggage into someone else's life or judging them unfairly because I'd be looking for warning signs and red flags in everything they say or do.

I wanted to share my experience.

The pros:

- I enjoyed myself for the most part. I spent some time with someone who made me smile and held good conversation and that was really refreshing.

- It was a good confidence boost, mainly getting dressed up to go out and putting on some nice clothes and having someone compliment you feels really good I guess.

- During the date I barely thought about my ex. This surprised me.

- I was as honest as possible without feeling a need to lie about my situation. This was received remarkably well and that made me feel at ease telling people in the future I guess. I suppose there are a lot of people who have been in tricky relationships or dealt with people who have issues  (diagnosed or not) so it's probably not as rare as we think. We've certainly got nothing to be ashamed of in what we've been through.

The Cons:

- I was definitely looking far too carefully for red flags and warning signs and being far too investigative for a first date. My date picked up on this and commented although wasn't hugely put off by it.

- I felt like absolute crap after the date was over. Couldn't help but feel guilty. Couldn't stop thinking about my ex. Missed her and couldn't help but think extreme things like I'll never find anyone who makes me feel the way she did.

- I don't know what the hell I'm looking for! I'm not after sex really. I don't think it's fair to walk into another relationship just yet when I don't feel like I can be the best version of me and happy in myself to bring the best out of someone else.

What's the plan next?

I don't know.

I feel like I'm still in a place where I feel like my ex has done an incredible amount of damage that I don't know if I'll ever recover from, honestly. The sad thing is that I miss her. I miss the good times, despite knowing the truth.

I'm not sure if I'll ever feel 'ready' to move on. Maybe I just will?

What are your experiences?

[JayReader27]

HI,

I just want to start out by saying I do not think that you can ever look too closely for red flags. Taking the time to actually make sure that someone is worth your time is something that we should all do. I would suggest that you might use some tips or techniques for anxiety like meditation at night of or during the day? Not saying that it your problem, but it could just help you to sort your emotions, and ask your self why you are feeling the way you are.

I do not have anxiety like I used to but when I am talking to someone that I could see myself going on a date with I still get little flash backs of my ExBPD that pop into my head. Each time I have to remind myself that I am no longer that person, and I breathe. I think that pushing yourself to go on dates is not a bad thing, but it can be if you are still "missing your ex". I think you are correct in saying that it is unfair to the other person coming in to a new situation thinking about the old one.

As far as you missing your ex, I think you miss the companionship, and feeling of being with someone rather than the actual person you were with. Sometimes it is hard to categorize those feelings when you are feeling inadequate over all(which is something that I battled with for a long time).

You know when you are ready to move on. It takes time do not push yourself too far. Good Luck.

[Nuitari]

I don't think it's fair to walk into another relationship just yet when I don't feel like I can be the best version of me and happy in myself to bring the best out of someone else.

I can really relate to this. I haven't started dating again yet, but at some point I know I'll have to push myself, because I know that if I wait around until I make a full recovery from everything my ex did to my psyche, it may not ever happen. That's what I'm afraid of the most, that I'll never be any better than I am right now. I'm in my late 30's, and I've never been the kind of guy who needed to be in a relationship. I've always considered myself a loner. But now, after being with my ex, I do experience loneliness. I don't want to be alone anymore, but I don't want to get close to anyone again either. I can't risk getting hurt again. So I'm kind of stuck in this limbo state of wanting/not wanting to be in an intimate relationship.

[Narkiss]

I've been sticking a couple of toes in the water. Not even completely over with my pwBPD, but close to it. It has to. Anyway, I looked far too closely for red flags -- or maybe not. Had coffee with two guys. They mainly talked about themselves. It was somewhat enjoyable but felt somewhat guilty. I am not really ready for a relationship with someone and it's not fair to pretend or lead anyone on. I also kept thinking about my borderline -- the closeness and emotion and how much we have to talk about  (when things are going well) -- and coffee or whatever with these guys I barely know cannot compare to that.

I think I was more curious about what was out there and whether I could have a connection to anyone else again

[Notwendy]

This isn't my usual board, but I sometimes will read a post here. I wanted to share my response to you.

While your post is concerned about red flags in the women you are dating, I would tell you that you would raise a red flag for me if I was dating. ( I'm married- so this is just hypothetical). Why? Because you are still hurting, and someone who is hurting is not really emotionally available for a relationship. Also, because you are focusing on protecting yourself, you are sending out emotional signals that are different from someone who is available.

It isn't just the obvious red flags that can get someone into a dysfunctional relationship, but the emotional matches we attract and are attracted to that are not conscious decisions. One of the fascinating things I read when studying relationships is how we attract and are attracted to partners who match is in some ways emotionally.

Another one was boundaries. An emotionally healthy person with good boundaries can sense another person's boundaries. After a relationship ends, a hurting person may have very protective boundaries. Someone who respects boundaries will respect the hurting person's boundaries- and probably leave them some space. Someone who tends to break boundaries might not.

I also read that if we leave a relationship without some personal growth, we are at risk for entering a relationship with similar issues as we are part of those issues.

From that, it would make sense that one should heal emotionally and do some personal work if they wish for something different.

This doesn't mean you need to isolate yourself and not date anyone, but it may be wise to not proceed into a serious situation too fast. Or you may decide not to date at all. But IMHO, until you heal and become emotionally available, you may be at risk for attracting someone who "matches" your emotional state.

[Concerns]

What's the plan next?

I would say that a few things are in order and you may or may not be doing them already.

1. Getting in shape. Lifting. Looking your best. Be the person someone wants to be with. Looking good will boost your confidence and give you a better opportunity for you to be you. After all, it's your confidence that will attract someone and not someone feeding you compliments.

2. Meditate. Yoga. You inner peace will help to settle the apprehension from your loss and help you be present for someone else.

3. Find yourself first. What "you are looking for" in someone is yourself. Find yourself and then bring him to the table. That's desirable.

4. Live #3,2,1. Know Thyself. Try to process your hurt in a learning way. Understanding and internalizing the "red flag" behavior will give you a handle on your emotions. You won't be searching for external signals. Your gut will immediately recognize them. Listen to you gut. "She" doesn't control you. You control you.   

Getting worked over in an abusive relationship is tough business. You have to heal yourself. No one else will do it. Trying to get to know someone else while you are still wounded is a bad formula, I think. The best thing you can bring to a relationship is you. Work on it.