How long do you stay painted black for?

[joeramabeme]

Asking this question because I am wondering if she will ever be able to see me as I was/am?  More than just a recycle, does it ever get to a place where they can say you weren't as bad as I made you out to be?  We did have some good times together.  Is this the equivalency to a BPD recovery? 

I still miss her and wished that she could access and share with me some of the memories we had over the last 15 years.  Just doesnt seem like it will ever happen and I feel like an amputated ex with no connection to the past we had other than through the grieving.

[Mutt]

Hi joe,

That's a good question. There's no one size fits all answer, everyone's ex partner is a different person. I didn't think that I would be split white after the intense anger my ex had directed at me at the end of the relationship.

Being split black or white doesn't happen all at once, her boyfriend is slowly being split black and I'm slowly being split white. The past triggers feelings of shame for her because the marriage failed, it's another broken relationship, all of her relationships fail. I'm sure that she remembers the marriage but it triggers feelings of shame.

I've come to accept that, I'm at a stage where I don't think about the loss anymore. Grieving is different for everyone, but there is going to come a time where you'll process the grief. It's a tough road but it gets better.

[Stolen]

Well, based on my 30 years of experience, I'd say - don't hold your breath.  Your memories are yours, nobody can take those away.  But don't expect her to remember them the same way.   I know, again in my own experience, that what I thought we experienced together were actually two divergent realities.

And I don't expect those to ever align, since they were never really in alignment.

[GreenEyedMonster]

One of the first topics of interest that led me to this board was the experience of being painted white -- how it happens, why, when etc.  My ex despised me so much after the breakup that I couldn't imagine ever having a civil conversation with him again.  That's why it was completely surreal when, six weeks later, he did indeed paint me white.  This lasted not much more than a day.

We talked and flirted like nothing had ever happened.  It was just like old times.  He physically mirrored me in that eerie way again, and gave me his flirtatious glance over his glasses that had always been his telltale sign of attraction.  He followed me around and tried to be in my physical vicinity as much as possible.

Within a week, he was back to accusing me of being a psycho stalker and writing me threatening letters.

Being painted white is just as much of an illusion as being painted black.  It seems like the person has learned something or come around, but that's not really the case.  As has been said on this board so many times, they will see you the way they need to see you at the moment -- nothing more, nothing less.  My ex painted me white because that was convenient for him at the moment, and I wasn't triggering him.  I realize that it's just a matter of time before it happens again.  He seems to be pursuing other interests and has ceased his 2-3x per day online stalk of my physical whereabouts.  I know that this means that he is becoming desensitized to me and it is just a matter of time before he comes back around.  He said he'd never hang out with my friends again, but he will probably eat his words and paint them white, too.  He always does, after a conflict with anyone.

I will tell you this much.  Being painted black is a good thing for me.  It keeps him away and that is important to me.  I have gotten my friends and my life back because he has me painted black.  I used to want the closure and vindication that comes with being painted white.  I don't anymore.  Being painted white just feels like having the sword of Damocles hanging over my head, waiting for the next trigger, the next accusation, the next legal action.  He can keep me black as long as he pleases, hopefully forever.

[Anez]

I will tell you this much.  Being painted black is a good thing for me.  It keeps him away and that is important to me.  I have gotten my friends and my life back because he has me painted black.  I used to want the closure and vindication that comes with being painted white.  I don't anymore.  Being painted white just feels like having the sword of Damocles hanging over my head, waiting for the next trigger, the next accusation, the next legal action.  He can keep me black as long as he pleases, hopefully forever.

Couldn't agree more with this. It took me months to get here but I've been painted black and it's helping me a lot. We work together, too, so we see each other every day. Now we just ignore each other. No cordial hellos. Nothing. It hurts a little but it's helping me much more than it hurts.

[Hadlee]

I will tell you this much.  Being painted black is a good thing for me.  It keeps him away and that is important to me.  I have gotten my friends and my life back because he has me painted black.  I used to want the closure and vindication that comes with being painted white.  I don't anymore.  Being painted white just feels like having the sword of Damocles hanging over my head, waiting for the next trigger, the next accusation, the next legal action.  He can keep me black as long as he pleases, hopefully forever.

I am getting to that stage as well.  Life is peaceful when I'm painted black    

[HurtinNW]

Once, in an argument, I told my ex, "I am afraid you can only love in hindsight."

Not the nicest thing I ever said. But recognition that as soon as he was relieved of the actual prospect of relating to me directly, once he broke up with me I would be painted white again.

For me the painting white was part of the idealizing and that only happened when my ex was not confronted with having to have an actual relationship. The painting white was the courtship. The actual relationship was when the black brush came out. Thus the recycles. He would break up with me after painting me black. A few weeks later, I would be white again. We would reunite. The periods of being white got shorter and shorter, the black longer.

Since our relationship is over he has pained me blacker than black. He might paint me a little white to those people he knows like me, as the one he failed, but this will be to curry favor with them. Mostly I will be black more than any other, as the crazy woman he couldn't satisfy. He has to make it this way. Otherwise I honestly think the truth would crush him.

I think the white has some truth to it, and so does the black. We are all flawed, wondrous human beings. Having what felt like complete regard is the most amazing feeling in the world. What I need to remember is that is only true when you know someone and walk a path with them, see them warts and all... .and don't care. I think I'm coming down enough now to think real love looks nothing at all like my relationship with my ex.

[Confused108]

I think it really depends on each BPD person. My ex has painted me black ... .The blackest. Always has. I feel that I was the one who always got that treatment when others were painted a black but I always got the worst of it. In the end she sent my ex wife a FB message saying it would be best if she and myself stayed out of each others lives. And that if I ever contacted her again ahe would get a PPO against me. I hope I stay painted Black forever! I don't ever want to see or hear from her again. Everything she touches turns to ash!

[Fr4nz]

Asking this question because I am wondering if she will ever be able to see me as I was/am?  More than just a recycle, does it ever get to a place where they can say you weren't as bad as I made you out to be?  We did have some good times together.  Is this the equivalency to a BPD recovery?  

I still miss her and wished that she could access and share with me some of the memories we had over the last 15 years.  Just doesnt seem like it will ever happen and I feel like an amputated ex with no connection to the past we had other than through the grieving.

The answer is: who knows? And it is also possible that you won't know when you'll be painted white again.

I was in NC for 13+ months with my uHPD/BPD ex gf; last month I met her completely by accident in a bar: she was very happy to see me and asked me to have a talk and a drink. It was a very enjoyable 40 minutes conversation.

So, the moral of the story is that, yes, it is likely that you'll be painted white again at some point; however, it is possible that you'll never get the chance to know, since for pride/shame they may avoid to contact you in the future.

In any case, keep in mind that the disorder prevents them to have a regular, stable life and that they are likely incapable to apologize for their own mistakes during the relationship (mine didn't apologize at all during the conversation... .so, you know what to expect).

[Dhand77]

Golly, I'm blacker than midnight right now. But I watched her slowly paint her ex-husband white again over the course of our four years together. Right down to inviting him and his family over for this past Thanksgiving (I was out of town).

Since we work together, I'm kind of praying I stay black FOREVER. It would just make my life a lot easier if she never tries to worm her way into it again.

[WoundedBibi]

I'm blacker than midnight too and expect to remain so for the rest of my natural life. Which is fine by me.

[steelwork]

So, the moral of the story is that, yes, it is likely that you'll be painted white again at some point; however, it is possible that you'll never get the chance to know, since for pride/shame they may avoid to contact you in the future.

I think this is exactly the case for me. He would talk warmly about long-ago exes, never making reference to the end of their relationships or admitting any wrongdoing. He wasn't still in touch with any of them. I guess I'll be one of those. Maybe I already am--who knows?

OH--CORRECTION. There was one ex he turned into an IV heroin user. He ran into her years later and she was a desperate junky, and he said he felt a little bad about that.

[JerryRG]

I'm painted black, she's engaged and I have heard from experienced people she may try a recycle some day because we have a child together, I know it sounds awful but I wish she would just one more time so I can look at her... .take a deep breath... .

And just turn around and walk away... .

Seriously if I did go back I would lose every single good thing in my life, friends, family, reputation, self respect, dignity, health and I mean everything. I've learned my lesson.

[Stripey77]

"How long is a piece of string?" we may as well ask. Sadly, just as there is no hard and fast manual for dealing with these relationships, we can't apply a definitive answer to that question, for the simple reason that BPD people are just that, people, and as such, individuals. All of our relationships seem to have followed some scarily similar patterns - to the point that if feels like they've got a blueprint we don't know about - but obviously there are differences in time frames, individual dates, incidents, even the traits vary from one person to another. So, just as you have been asking "how long am I painted black for?" so have I,  regarding my very high functioning, and self aware, (I suspect BPD) ex.  The pain has been unbearable for me, to the point it's damaged my physiological health.

I write this to you, just days after being blocked by him from one of the last channels of communication open between us. I've posted elsewhere about my having been painted black, and I DO know where some of it is rooted, in something genuinely regrettable I did to upset him (not shouldering the blame here, just taking my part of the responsibility in all of this). I've stood back and watched, almost as as a 3rd party observer as he's tried to wrench control over something he abandoned months ago i.e. me. and find new ways to lash out and 'delete me from his life'.

I write this to you having spectacularly and overwhelmingly having been painted white last night. There is lots more to this which I'm not posting here, and lots of things were aired, and I do understand his upset. Although he has conveniently forgotten the things he did to me in the lead up to me upsetting him, that devastated me.  It is pretty much 5 months since we last had a 'conversation' and I walked out on him raving at me. 5 months of depression, heartbreak, devastation, loneliness.  


How long will it last? Will it keep on an even keel? Will we be able to forge a friendship out of this in recognition that a relationship can't work? He initially told me (last night) that we can't work because of me, and because of him. He later said that his 'dark side' had come through, and that the problem is absolutely in his brain, that there was no guilt on my part and that it's him. My ex is VERY aware that there is something wrong with him but I don't think he knows what it is. Maybe he'll retract into his comfort zone, maybe he'll ignore me for weeks to come now, maybe he'll talk to me tonight. Who knows?  Maybe I wasn't painted black, maybe he was just incredibly angry with me - and now the anger has subsided when he saw me. But isn't that the same thing anyway?  

So, if you want a definitive and quantitive answer, it is 5 months.

But that's MY experience, and sadly, that just doesn't help you at all (I only wish it could) because we're all dealing with different pieces of string here.

[Fr4nz]

Just adding my experience: I've recently met my ex uHPD/BPD gf in a bar, completely by accident, after 13+ months of NC (we live in two different cities).

She asked me to sit with her and had a 40+ minutes nice talk. She clearly splitted my white again, so much that at the end of the talk she asked me to spend the evening with her. Since I had to attend a friend's birthday (who is completely unrelated to her) I kindly refused, so she asked me to come meet her at her workplace the day after. The day after came, and when I went to meet her she was definitely colder. Anyhow, in the end we seemingly parted on good terms.

Anyway, 1 month passes, and I decide to have contact with her, trying to see if a reconnection and a friendship is possible: unbeknowst to me, I was spliited black again, apparently in the matter of a few hours (this explains her coldness the day after). Here's the full story:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=293643.0

Basically, she refused to meet.

So, my take on the matter is that, yes, they can paint us white again, possibly in the blink of an eye and unbeknowst to us, but that is not definitely going to last. In conclusion, the lesson, for me, is that having some kind of decent, harmonious and stable relationship with a BPD is almost impossible -- it's clearly a lost cause -- and it's better to move on as quickly as possible.

[gotbushels]

Re: How long do you stay painted black for?

Forever, preferably.

Your situation could be worse:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=293652.0

One thing worse than a stalker is a stalker with BPD. 

[Stripey77]

But again, sorry, but isn't this soo subjective? At the risk of repeating myself, whilst we can most definitely see certain patterns emerging in all of our collective stories, these people are not 'one'. It seems very much the case to me that there are those with 'full blown' BPD (sorry to use such laymen like terms) displaying all of the traits. And others with only some. It manifests itself in similar, yet different, ways.  I most certainly don't want to remain 'painted black' forever because it was so acrimonious and painful. I suppose it rather depends on what we mean by 'painted black' because if we mean silent treatment or avoidance, well then there have been 2 episodes of that for me, and they were horrific.

Conversely, Fr4nz, I'm so sorry to reiterate my thoughts as outlined on your post elsewhere, but there is WORLD of difference between what you are describing, and my understanding of ''being painted black'.  You sought to rekindle some kind of friendship with your ex after 14 months NC, and accidentally bumping into her. You don't say who initiated the NC, how it made you feel, how you dealt with that etc. You apparently only wanted to have a friendship because you happened to bump into her, otherwise it wouldn't have crossed your mind.

You say that you didn't want a sexual friendship, but to reestablish a friendship for healing and closure. Now, whilst I can most certainly relate to that, and share those feelings, if I may say so, there is a huge difference between wanting to have a friendship and then being politely rebuffed (and she was perfectly polite in her response) and enduring months of someone pretending you are dead, deleting you from their lives, looking through you and walking past you - someone you loved deeply, in essence, ghosting you. I can't even begin to relate to your description on being painted black, and if I am brutally honest, all I am seeing is a (in this instance BPD) woman having suggested spending some time together and then, having thought about it, has thought better of it, for whatever reason.  She isn't ignoring you, cutting you dead, being rude or insulting, she isn't treating you like a criminal to be punished or anything like that. She replied to you, and was perfectly pleasant in her response.

In my experience, being painted black is a pretty effing painful experience, whereas what you're describing, really, is a slight to your feelings... .isn't it? if you were painted black, by God you'd know about it.

[Fr4nz]

Conversely, Fr4nz, I'm so sorry to reiterate my thoughts as outlined on your post elsewhere, but there is WORLD of difference between what you are describing, and my understanding of ''being painted black'.  You sought to rekindle some kind of friendship with your ex after 14 months NC, and accidentally bumping into her. You don't say who initiated the NC, how it made you feel, how you dealt with that etc. You apparently only wanted to have a friendship because you happened to bump into her, otherwise it wouldn't have crossed your mind.

You say that you didn't want a sexual friendship, but to reestablish a friendship for healing and closure. Now, whilst I can most certainly relate to that, and share those feelings, if I may say so, there is a huge difference between wanting to have a friendship and then being politely rebuffed (and she was perfectly polite in her response) and enduring months of someone pretending you are dead, deleting you from their lives, looking through you and walking past you - someone you loved deeply, in essence, ghosting you. I can't even begin to relate to your description on being painted black, and if I am brutally honest, all I am seeing is a (in this instance BPD) woman having suggested spending some time together and then, having thought about it, has thought better of it, for whatever reason.  She isn't ignoring you, cutting you dead, being rude or insulting, she isn't treating you like a criminal to be punished or anything like that. She replied to you, and was perfectly pleasant in her response.

In my experience, being painted black is a pretty effing painful experience, whereas what you're describing, really, is a slight to your feelings... .isn't it? if you were painted black, by God you'd know about it.

Don't worry Stripey, for me it's nice to have some refelctions/brainstorming on what happened. I thank you for this, it's very useful

Just to give some context: NC started mutually, once she started to treat me so badly I had enough of her crazy behaviours, taunting and reality distortions. That's why I didn't make any attempt to contact once NC was implemented (and her as well).

As I said, we met completely by accident, and since it was very clear she painted me white - so much that she asked me to spend the evening with her (and I had to refuse since I had to attend a friend's birthday) - I was thinking that perhaps a reconnection and a friendship was possible. I know, it is unlikely, but some members (for example, Conundrum) were able to do that.

So, you say that she responded politely... .that's true, even if you have to concede that it was a very abrupt answer: no kindness and no explanation; since I know her, I knew that the answer came from a place of anger and some non-existent perceived criticism.

And, indeed, as you could read in the following message, she said me that when we met the next day she reconsidered everything about me, implying that the motives behind the past break-up are still true; as I said, nothing happened from my side on that day, while apparently everything happened in her mind over a few hours.

Frankly, to me this is still a crystal clear example of black/white splitting and a lesson about the near-impossibility of having any kind of relatrionship with a BPD.

[Icanteven]

I think what's so hard for me is how quickly I cycle from "I'm sorry baby I'm open to reconciliation" to "our marriage is over have a nice life."  I had this swing happen literally in the course of a few hours this week. 

What makes me sad is, that, "I'm sorry baby I'm open... ."  seems directly correlated to something she needs, and once she has what she needs, it swings back to the other. 

My impression is, that, once she has everything she can get from me that will be the last we speak.  What's truly chilling is that we are a family and that she is barely communicating with me or or our children, and doesn't really seem to care about the impact it's having on us.  I feel selfish for typing that last part, but we are her family; this isn't a mistress or a short term relationship I see so much of on the site; we are her actual flesh and blood family and she basically had a psychic break and ghosted her husband and children.   

[MapleBob]

Unless you're in contact, how would you even know? I agree with the "how long is a piece of string?" comments - there's just no way of knowing.

I think the question maybe is: why can't we let go of these people like we've let go of other partners in the past? That one bugs me.

[JerryRG]

I agree Mapleton

I've broken up with many so and just got well, this is far more complicated and frustrating but I guess the mind games and manipulation of facts, feelings, and the confusion brought on will just take longer to deminish. It's not like pwBPD are special in a good way.

[ChangingOfTides]

I think what's so hard for me is how quickly I cycle from "I'm sorry baby I'm open to reconciliation" to "our marriage is over have a nice life."  I had this swing happen literally in the course of a few hours this week. 

What makes me sad is, that, "I'm sorry baby I'm open... ."  seems directly correlated to something she needs, and once she has what she needs, it swings back to the other. 

My impression is, that, once she has everything she can get from me that will be the last we speak.  What's truly chilling is that we are a family and that she is barely communicating with me or or our children, and doesn't really seem to care about the impact it's having on us.  I feel selfish for typing that last part, but we are her family; this isn't a mistress or a short term relationship I see so much of on the site; we are her actual flesh and blood family and she basically had a psychic break and ghosted her husband and children.   

Hey, i am in the exact same position... .actually you move along with their selfish push and pull in an attempt to save the family.

Its crazy to see how my BPDex went from a loving caring woman that really lived for the family to someone who basically pushes everybody out, except the youngest one, who probably is still a source of mirroring... .Its almost like she is a teenager now, spending all her time on facebook, which is now her new family. And this leads to some sort of identity crisis as she transforms into this rather narcistic facebook glamour girl, and almost takes on the personality of her online friends... .

[married21years]

its fifty shades of gray

at the moment you are black till someone she hates more then she thinks she can get you back

the whiter you get as you give in stand firm and you stay black

its better being black!

[Heldfast]

Actually there is a one size fits all answer. Until they need you again, and feel you'd be a safe source of supply.