I get really bored when I'm not having cat fights with my BPDbf (now ex)

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Life without my BPDxbf is really boring.

I am a stay at home single mum with two daughters, one of whom is still at primary school. My daily routine fits around the school drop off. Today, I walked her to school and then spent an hour and a half walking along the local canal and river, enjoying the bluebells and the birds singing. It was lovely. I prayed as I walked but got no inspiration. I'd done a bit of journalling when I woke up at 5am. So, by lunch time, I've been awake for 7 hours and pretty much been left to my own devices. This afternoon, I picked up a few things in the local supermarket and then collected my daughter. Having made tea, I've now got hours and hours before bedtime and I am bored. There are things that I could do, but I'm struggling to motivate myself to do anything other than sit here at my computer reading posts on this website or checking for emails from my ex. It's a pretty sad state of affairs. Why won't I do something productive with my time?

When my BPDbf was around, it was his texting that stopped me feeling alone and gave me something to do when I was bored. Even the fighting by text felt like some kind of communication, which was far better than none at all. I have a mobile phone, but I might as well not have because virtually no one ever contacts me except my BPDbf and that's not going to be happening any more. Being with my BPDxbf stopped me from sitting with my own emotions because I was so emotionally caught up with the traumas of figuring out how to handle him and the possibility that we could break up any minute. Now, I feel really lonely and isolated. As I sit with myself, I keep expecting to feel emotions, but what I feel is a kind of nothingness. When I sit with my emotions, I seem to be finding nothing at all.

Lifewriter x

[Lifewriter16]

Life without my BPDxbf is really boring.

I am a stay at home single mum with two daughters, one of whom is still at primary school. My daily routine fits around the school drop off. Today, I walked her to school and then spent an hour and a half walking along the local canal and river, enjoying the bluebells and the birds singing. It was lovely. I prayed as I walked but got no inspiration. I'd done a bit of journalling when I woke up at 5am. So, by lunch time, I've been awake for 7 hours and pretty much been left to my own devices. This afternoon, I picked up a few things in the local supermarket and then collected my daughter. Having made tea, I've now got hours and hours before bedtime and I am bored. There are things that I could do, but I'm struggling to motivate myself to do anything other than sit here at my computer reading posts on this website or checking for emails from my ex. It's a pretty sad state of affairs. Why won't I do something productive with my time?

When my BPDbf was around, it was his texting that stopped me feeling alone and gave me something to do when I was bored. Even the fighting by text felt like some kind of communication, which was far better than none at all. I have a mobile phone, but I might as well not have because virtually no one ever contacts me except my BPDbf and that's not going to be happening any more. Being with my BPDxbf stopped me from sitting with my own emotions because I was so emotionally caught up with the traumas of figuring out how to handle him and the possibility that we could break up any minute. Now, I feel really lonely and isolated. As I sit with myself, I keep expecting to feel emotions, but what I feel is a kind of nothingness. When I sit with my emotions, I seem to be finding nothing at all.

Lifewriter x

[eeks]

Hi LW,

Is it possible that a conflict-filled relationship with push-pull and drama, somehow feels better to you or more like "home" than no relationship at all?

You've asked "why won't I do something productive with my time"... .I remember a while ago you made a list of self-care and creative activities as a goal for things to do with your life... .so I'm wondering now if your behaviour is revealing that a relationship is your true priority?  If so, don't feel bad about that, I've recently made a couple of new friends who took the opposite strategy after heartbreak, becoming "lone wolves" who feel they can rely on no one but themselves.  I mention that because it might seem like people who do that are more functional, but neither desperate longing for a relationship (not judging, I do it too) or writing off the idea of depending on someone, are a solution to the messy contradiction of human intimacy.

(Of course you may be wondering now what I think the solution is... .I'd say it's "willingness to engage in the constant process of connection rupture and repair", but that's another topic.)

eeks

[hergestridge]

I suppose we take this very differently depending on who we are. After my BPDxw left me I found the silence and "boredom" absolutely fantastic. I began to discover what I wanted to do and that I could do it at my own pace. I started feeling comfortable in contacting people around me because I was no longer ashamed of my crappy relationship.

I think there are different reasons why we stay with a BPD partner. In my case I was mainly motivated by fear, by making it work and making her happy. Others feed on the drama because that's what they are used to. I absolutely hated the drama. I brushed the drama under the carpet until it just erupted in my face.

I think you can benefit from looking a bit more into the idea of co-dependence. Some people are attracted to drama and crazy because it distracts from the emptiness they feel. Could you be one of those people?

[HurtinNW]

What was your childhood like? Was it filled with external or inner turmoil, lack of trust, feelings of unsafety, absence, and being emotionally or physically abandoned?

Perhaps you ex replicates feelings from your childhood that may have been awful but were your "normal."

My childhood was filled with times of terror, fear, abandonment and crazy-making. It makes me feel ill, awful and dismantled, and yet it is perfectly normal to me. I slid into it with my ex with an ease that really startles me.

I'm wondering how familiar the chaos is to you. Or the feelings your ex engendered.

xxxoo

[Lifewriter16]

Hi eeks,

Is it possible that a conflict-filled relationship with push-pull and drama, somehow feels better to you or more like "home" than no relationship at all?

My delightful mother contacted me this evening  and what I felt when she did her usual trick (which is trying to impose her will and her way upon events) was exactly the same thing I feel when my BPDxbf has expectations of me that I just do not want to meet, horrible anxiety. So, yes, I think it feels like home. The irony is that feeling empty and alone also feels like home. Indeed, I think that's why I ended up married to a man with asperger's syndrome. However, I was reflecting upon how I would fight with him just to have a sense of some kind of connection with him. If we were arguing, at least there was something happening between us. When we weren't fighting, it seemed clear to me that there was no substance or foundation to my marriage at all. We eventually got divorced. My ex-husband and I are still friends. The need to fight with him has gone. I no longer feel trapped by him. I no longer feel he is stopping me from meeting my needs.

I'm wondering if the fights I had with my BPDxbf and the fights he had with me, were more to do with avoiding facing the realities of the relationship than actually trying to put things right. Ironically, it was all neatly (and self-righteously) disguised as attempts to mend the relationship and make it work. I think it could have been the opposite. Whilst we were fighting, there was always something being targeted that was the thing that would put everything right if he changed something, or if I changed something. There was always something that was 'wrong' and could be put right, but neither of us ever seriously made any attempts to address anything at all. When we broached the idea of actually addressing things, either he ran from it or I ran from it. My fear being that if we put it right, I'd have no excuse to leave and I'd be stuck with him. If I look dispassionately at my relationship with my BPDxbf what I see is tremendous emotion on both parts but no foundations, no structure and no future. It was the most passionate time waster I've ever come up with.

You've asked "why won't I do something productive with my time"... .I remember a while ago you made a list of self-care and creative activities as a goal for things to do with your life... .so I'm wondering now if your behaviour is revealing that a relationship is your true priority?

This is a very good question. I would say that a relationship is my true priority, but I am beginning to wonder whether I have been kidding myself all these years because I seem to have avoided intimacy like the plague by choosing a succession of the most inappropriate of partners. I think there is a doubt in my mind as to what is my true desire. My pattern is to choose men who are my second best and not really care for them. My BPDxbf didn't feel like second best to me, I found I cared. Then I found out about his past and his behaviour and I realised that whatever I feel, he's not marriage material, he's a third child to take care of. I can't depend upon him. He can't look after me. He is a risk to both myself and my children. My practical head said 'No' to him. I long to be with someone whom I feel is capable enough that I can let go of trying to control everything. I want a rest from being responsible for making things work out.

Lifewriter x

[Lifewriter16]

Hi hergestridge.

I think you can benefit from looking a bit more into the idea of co-dependence. Some people are attracted to drama and crazy because it distracts from the emptiness they feel. Could you be one of those people?

I think you are probably right here. I recognise myself very strongly in the descriptions of codependency. And what I need to do is face the emptiness and 'let the wind whistle through the empty places' as Robin Norwood put it in her book Women Who Love Too Much. I have always had a terror of that emptiness and I know that the very thing I most need to do, is the very thing I have been running from for decades.

Lifewriter x

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Hurtin,

What was your childhood like? Was it filled with external or inner turmoil, lack of trust, feelings of unsafety, absence, and being emotionally or physically abandoned?

Perhaps you ex replicates feelings from your childhood that may have been awful but were your "normal."

My childhood was filled with times of terror, fear, abandonment and crazy-making. It makes me feel ill, awful and dismantled, and yet it is perfectly normal to me. I slid into it with my ex with an ease that really startles me.

I'm wondering how familiar the chaos is to you. Or the feelings your ex engendered.

xxxoo

My BPDxbf is absent a lot of the time, like my grandparents (both dead for 40 years). I loved them very much but they lived at the other end of the country so contact was sporadic. He is blaming, critical and no sense of me as a separate person with needs. He engenders great anxiety in me due to his boundary busting, just like my mother did and still does. He is angry, violent, rejecting and very similarly built to my father, even looking like him in some ways. Yes, he fitted straight in!


Lifewriter x

[gotbushels]

Thank you for sharing this Lifewriter. I can relate to the difference in feelings from when my ex and I separated. My feelings afterward were more like hergestridge though. I think eeks brought up some good points and I look forward to seeing your development with them. I hope you can find a solution to your feelings of loss from what you think were getting out of those fights.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi All,

As I was waking up this morning, my unconscious was throwing up the usual stuff, useful or otherwise, and I saw the following image in type in my mind: "me - leave me" which I understood to mean that in my relationship with my BPDxbf, I have been playing a 'game' that might be called 'leave me'.

To explain the notion of 'games':

I have been skim-reading Games People Play by Eric Berne. The book is based upon social research (Transactional Analysis) done in the 1960s. It says that all people have stimulus-hunger, recognition hunger and structure-hunger. Stimulation prevents sensory deprivation, recognition prevents emotional deprivation, structure prevents boredom. This is a useful observation for me, as I was somewhat confused about maternal deprivation and its effects and how it applies to me. I feel deprived and yet I have none of the difficulties observed in children who literally had no mother/emotional carer. It makes more sense to understand my life in terms of recognition deprivation not deprivation per se.

It is possible to have too much stimulation, recognition or structure such that the person who is overloaded will make choices to reduce the excess (felt as stress). This may explain the difference between us as nons in our response to the loss of the drama of being with our pwBPD. My life is relatively empty, I have no work and no routine source of social interaction, so taking my BPDxbf out of the equation leaves inadequate interaction/intimacy and little structure.

Interaction is said to come in the form of strokes. The interesting thing is that for humans, any form of interaction or stroke is preferable to none at all, which is why negative exchanges develop. Every frustrating interaction between ourselves and our pwBPD is providing a stroke for each of us. The effect may be negative and it may lead to overload, but it is still interaction which is preferable to no connection. Even punishment, abuse, rejection is preferable to no interaction. Berne suggests that people play 'pastimes' or 'games' to oil social interaction. These are generally a prelude to true intimacy though in certain relationships, they come to replace it. It is this type of game that my dream-state communication was referring to.

I'm going to take a break now and think about what my game of 'reject me' was all about. I'll be back later when I can do this justice... .

Lifewriter x

[Lifewriter16]

The first thing that struck me as I was making the last post, was this:

Berne talks of structure - hunger. I may feel bored because my life is fairly empty and I need to put more things in it, preferably good, life affirming things. I am not satisfying my hunger for structure and it's my responsibility to do so. That I feel 'empty' may not be a signal of FOO pain. It may not be anything other than a symptom of an empty life.

A few days ago, I came across a personal development exercise and gave it a go. The task is to complete the sentence "If I weren't afraid, I would ... ." a number of times. This is what I came up with:

If I weren't afraid, I would... .

• take regular time for me and use it to write my novel



• get a job



• go it alone (not being reliant on my ex-husband or in a relationship with someone else)



• change my life



• take up walking and walk off the malaise I have been feeling



• learn to ride a motorcycle



• do more training/facilitation of groups



• go back to university



• sell the house, give my ex-husband his share and move on.

Well, I've taken one step. I've bought myself some walking shoes and a waterproof jacket and done my first walk.

LWx

[Lifewriter16]

As I was waking up this morning, my unconscious was throwing up the usual stuff, useful or otherwise, and I saw the following image in type in my mind: "me - leave me" which I understood to mean that in my relationship with my BPDxbf, I have been playing a 'game' that might be called 'leave me'... .

I noticed in my original post, I got muddled up and changed 'leave me' to 'reject me' in the final sentence. It begs the question as to what the difference is between being 'abandoned', being 'rejected' and being 'left'. I'm not entirely sure. I would suggest that reject implies that someone doesn't want to be with me due to something about me, whereas being abandoned or left implies no such fault on my part.

[Lifewriter16]

So what is 'leave me' about?


On the interactional level, 'leave me' is a series of provocative actions that I know will trigger him and cause him to become angry and withdraw from me and thus get me out of the abuse or torment that he is piling upon me at any particular moment (like during 36 hour text 'arguments'. It is an emotional reaction rather than a response, something I do when I am triggered because he is being demanding. It gives me a break from the constant barrage of unpleasant behaviours because he will usually react to my actions by telling me to 'Go away', saying he won't meet me as planned or telling me 'It's over'. My provocative actions include asserting my needs, objecting to his control, refusing to say when we will next be meeting up, failing to meet his needs for reassurance by pretending I didn't notice that he was hinting for me to tell him that I love him/miss him/am looking forward to seeing him etc. He will usually get verbally abusive at some point, which simply confirms that he's not a safe person to be around. I am always polite and not rude, but he takes my actions as being an indication that I am angry.


On the functional level, 'leave me' is a long term plan of escape so I don't have to spend my entire life with a man who will make me miserable, f*ck up my kids, could be abusive or dangerous. It is a safe plan of escape from a potential marriage and life that I don't actually want to have with a man who is so horrible. If he doesn't want me, he won't pursue me.


On an emotional level, 'leave me' gets him to leave me rather than me having to leave him and thus releases me from the guilt of failing to be there for him when he is a human being who is in pain and I said I loved him and love should be a forever commitment. If he leaves me, then his pain is his responsibility. It also means that I have no control over the situation, so the decision is out of my hands and I am not responsible for the outcome. I become the victim rather than the aggressor. He gets to take the blame. If I am hurt, there's nothing I can do about it. If I miss him, I couldn't have changed the outcome anyway. If it was imposed upon me, I can't sit and have regrets. In a way, it is about failing to take responsibility for my life.


But what about the deeper level? Is it a test to see if he really loves me? Could this be about avoiding intimacy or reaffirming my belief that all men leave? Is it about avoiding the vulnerability of love and in a crazy way, circumventing my fear of being left? Is it about making the inevitable happen now because I can't bear to wait for it to happen in the future? Is it about controlling the timing of the break up so I will never be caught off guard, never be vulnerable and thus allow him to have power over me, or never be truly be hurt because I never truly trusted?


It is in my BPDxbf's nature to push me to reject him if he feel insecure. It is his pattern to threaten withdrawal or permanent rejection as a form of control never actually intending what he threatens. Yet, my pattern is to take his threats seriously and literally. It is a form of punishment on my part for causing me such pain through his threats. I react with anger and retaliate to make him hurt too. Eventually, when he pushes hard enough, I end it for him and I lose the game. Really, it shouldn't be about winning or losing at all, but I think my relationship with my BPDxbf has been one long battle for control. Recently, I have become able to feel my sadness rather than become angry when he threatens me with 'It's over!' However, recently, when he agreed to meet me next week saying he would either talk things through with me or finish with me when we met, I imagined living with that insecurity and not knowing for a week and I reacted again. It seemed unbearable. I ended it there and then. Given the contact he made the following day, it was clear that he didn't think I meant it. My BPDxbf and I are ideally matched to play this game with each other. Both of us are hurting as a result. Both of us are not addressing any of the real issues in the relationship but are getting lots of negative attention and lots of evidence that it is unsafe to love so we should maintain our defences and our existing beliefs. Both of us are hiding our vulnerability and lashing out instead. It's ridiculous but makes complete emotional sense.


THE PROBLEM IS THIS: Whilst all this is going on at an interactional level on occasion, at other times, I feel compassion for the hurt child that he was and there is a child inside me who loves him and needs him as a replacement father. I am drawn towards him by aspects of my personality at the same time as being repelled from him by other aspects of my personality. Add to that wise mind that says, he isn't right for you, he isn't safe, you can't cope with the stress you feel when in that relationship, your needs are not being met, he's controlling you and you are in danger of losing yourself completely. It's a mess... .


Lifewriter x

[Lifewriter16]

I'm having a few technical difficulties this morning... .

[Lifewriter16]

Here's the thing I need to hold onto:

Whatever games I may have played with him and he may have played with me, a relationship is supposed to be based on honesty. If I can not express my needs in a straightforward manner without massive repercussions, I feel resentful. If I can not cancel a date because I need to take time to myself, I'm in prison not in a relationship. If he can not love me without wanting to change me to suit and I can not do the same, then this is not a healthy situation.



I can't see myself either agreeing to live with him or agreeing to marry him at any point. I used to think that I would marry him eventually, but that was when I was anticipating substantial change through therapy. I'm pretty sure that I had unrealistic hopes and that all I can do to improve my life with him is to learn to manage his dysregulations better. I don't think they will ever be a thing of the past. The problem is, that I want to be ME not a therapist there to help him manage his emotions better. I can not see myself voluntarily signing up for the life of dysfunction that accompanies him. I don't think I could cope 24:7 with his changes of mode (which occur many times within any one conversation) and his serious dysregulations (that occur a couple of times a week). Even if I could cope with that, I am not reassured that the changes he has made in therapy have been enough to overcome his abusive tendencies. He is still verbally abusive and I am aware that he could resort to physical violence as his extinction bursts escalate in an attempt to control how I behave. Not only would this set a bad example for my children, it is likely to cause them emotional damage. I can't possibly be sure that my children will be safe with him.

I truly have loved my BPDxbf, more than he will ever know. I have done more to try and make this relationship work than he will ever recognise. Unfortunately those actions were self-defeating. However, I can not love someone who doesn't want to be loved. It is impossible. It's time to let go, to learn to give myself the love I need and build a fulfilling life for myself.

Lifewriter x

[Grey Kitty]

I want to be ME not a therapist there to help him manage his emotions better.

I've stated things like that to my wife at prior phases in our relationship:

"I want to be your husband, not your therapist."

I've also added to that that 1: I'm not a trained/licensed therapist in any way, and 2: If I *WAS*, I would know that I had to turn her down as a client due to conflicts of interest--something that would kick in with a relationship far more distant than a spouse!

[eeks]

I can't see myself either agreeing to live with him or agreeing to marry him at any point. I used to think that I would marry him eventually, but that was when I was anticipating substantial change through therapy. I'm pretty sure that I had unrealistic hopes and that all I can do to improve my life with him is to learn to manage his dysregulations better. I don't think they will ever be a thing of the past. The problem is, that I want to be ME not a therapist there to help him manage his emotions better. I can not see myself voluntarily signing up for the life of dysfunction that accompanies him. I don't think I could cope 24:7 with his changes of mode (which occur many times within any one conversation) and his serious dysregulations (that occur a couple of times a week). Even if I could cope with that, I am not reassured that the changes he has made in therapy have been enough to overcome his abusive tendencies. He is still verbally abusive and I am aware that he could resort to physical violence as his extinction bursts escalate in an attempt to control how I behave. Not only would this set a bad example for my children, it is likely to cause them emotional damage. I can't possibly be sure that my children will be safe with him.

This kind of acknowledgement of the reality of the situation... .I think we can call that a form of self-care. 

And you know what, you can still love him.  None of this means you don't love him.  And none of it precludes genuine, deep compassion for him.  It's just a hard-nosed look at things... ."Can I have a relationship with this person?"  and being truly honest with yourself about it.

My relationship with a uBPD man was not very long, so I think I recovered from it quicker than a lot of people here (although the issues that got me into that r/s, I'm still working on those).  After not thinking of him very much over the previous year, I was beginning to get a bit nostalgic and want to reconnect with him in Feb. and March (just over a year NC) but then for unrelated reasons I decided to start going to a lot of dance events and I've made new friends there, plus some men interested in me.  Nothing with real potential for a relationship so far (the closest is someone I really connected with, he thinks the age difference is too much, and he might be right) but it is distracting and nourishing enough that I noticed that I haven't thought about uBPD ex in a couple of weeks.  So I can see for me that it happens when I am lonely.  That's important information.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi eeks.

I know that I will always love him. I feel in a lot of pain. I feel weak and vulnerable. I don't know how I will get through the pain I'm experiencing, but having realised that I can not have a relationship with him, I have to find a way to keep to my decision.

I like the sound of the dancing you've been doing. It could be a good idea for me too.

Love Lifewriter x

[eeks]

Hi eeks.

I know that I will always love him. I feel in a lot of pain. I feel weak and vulnerable. I don't know how I will get through the pain I'm experiencing, but having realised that I can not have a relationship with him, I have to find a way to keep to my decision.

 

I like the sound of the dancing you've been doing. It could be a good idea for me too.

On reflecting on this, I realized, you know what, even at my low points, when I have no energy to do anything else, I can still get ready, take public transit, and dance, this suggests to me that it is one of those activities that gives me energy rather than taking it (draining).

So yes, I do think finding a form of dance or movement that energizes you is a good idea

I go to conscious dance parties (also known as ecstatic dance).  They are welcoming spaces to move however you want (respecting boundaries and consent though, they take that seriously).  I also do contact improv and "the Underscore" (a group movement sequence), which bring up a lot of issues around touch (sexuality, boundaries).  I like it for that, I find it an intensive learning experience, but for example, I have a new friend who did some contact improv but now shies away from it because she is afraid she won't hear her body's signals to say "no" and set a physical boundary.  I thought of a particular teacher who I find to be very sensitive and respectful, and that she could ask him to help her with that, where they can actually have a dialogue about it while they are dancing, if and when she feels ready to try again.

That said, if you have some hesitation about physical touch, there are plenty of options that don't involve touch, like the aforementioned conscious dance, 5 Rhythms, Nia, Authentic Movement (that includes sound whereas the others do not), I've just recently heard of Biodanza but never done it (although that has eye gazing and maybe some touch?).  You can Google these and find out if they offer classes in your city, and if not, you could try calling a local yoga studio and see if they know of anything, or search Facebook "[name of dance type] [your city]".

From what I know of your personality and history... .I would say you would like 5 Rhythms best out of all of those, to start, if it's available in your area.

[Lifewriter16]

Thanks eeks.

I have tried 5 Rhythms a few times and liked it to a point but I didn't understand it at all. What on earth is the significance of the five rhythms? What makes it any different to just doing your own thing to music for an hour or so? Is it always weird acid-trip-or-African-type music or was I just unfortunate enough to not like the same music the teacher likes? I enjoyed the free movement and found it a very powerful way of connecting with my spirituality, but I was happier to not be interacting with others and tended to absent myself during all that touchy-feely stuff. I have to say, that I'm not in the slightest bit interested in physical touch that could take me unawares. With ballroom, etc., the touch is well defined and can be anticipated. I can't think of anything worse than having to set physical boundaries with people I don't know. It would put me back into the childlike-being-abused-state-of-mind. The image that comes to mind is of me punching someone on the nose! I might feel more comfortable with a structured form of dance if the aim was to meet people rather than connect with my inner self. It would provide me with a greater sense of physical safety. It's certainly something that's worth exploring.

Love Lifewriter