Anyone else walk on eggshells during sex?

[dacoming]

I always try to support people in improving their relationships, and I want to support you. Still, I gotta say the first thing that came into my head when I read this:

She's said way worse... .like the time we were arguing and talking about potentially divorcing and she said sex with me is the worst and that it would feel good for her when she gets with someone who can $#$& her right.

If you separate, heal, and start a new relationship, or even just have a fling/hookup after this, YOU will be astounded at how much better sex can be with somebody who is capable of focusing on you and caring about you, unlike all the abuse you've been experiencing.

Have you totally forgotten that you have sexual needs and desires, and how unfulfilled they are with her, distracted by all her complaints, criticism, and abuse?

It seems I have forgotten about my needs and desires.  I had a therapist one time ask me what do I like to do for fun/relaxation or what do I want out of the marriage and strangely enough, I did not know other than wanting peace.  She told me that it seems every move I make is focused on what my wife would think or what she wants and that I needed to focus on me.  However, all I hear from my wife is how selfish I am and how I hurt her all the time and never think about her... .I don't know how to please her at this point because everything seems to be wrong.  For Mother's Day, I bought her a 1/2 carat diamond necklace online and also found a nice foot spa for her to get a foot/body massage.  She did not like the necklace and accused me of not putting effort into her Mother's Day gift because ordering online is the lazy, effortless way of doing it.  I did actually research online and went to the foot spa shop to buy the certificates, one for her and one for our daughter (who gave my wife hers because she doesn't like foot massages).  This was overlooked.  She felt I was more excited and put more effort into my Mom's birthday gift (Box set of Threes Company DVDs) which I also ordered online and had delivered to her.  She just nagged at me the other day because I haven't returned the necklace to find something else she would like.  I bought her two massage gift certificates from a highly rated place last year for Mother's Day and to date, she still hasn't used them.  Her excuse is she often feels bad health wise and haven't been able to make it.  Plus, I would need to drive her which I've offered.  However, she was mad at me for the entire evening one day last week because she bought me a stuffed animal dressed in military gear when I retired from the USAF.  We moved afterwards and I lost track of what happened to it.  My daughter found it and sat it on the kitchen table so since I didn't grab it and put it away quick enough, it meant I didn't care about her gift and all of the effort she made to get it when she didn't even feel good.

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[Hmcbart]

I feel for everyone on here when it comes to sexual issues.  I have dealt with this for years with my wife.  I don't have ED but have not been able to actually finish the task for myself in years.  I just lie to her and tell her I did.  When sex only happens 1-2 times a year it's difficult to get there.  I have tried so many times to help her understand that it is very important to me and our marriage but it doesn't make much of a difference in the end.  I was recently accused of cheating on her because of how withdrawn I'd become. That and I wouldn't give her access to the new bank account.  I asked her if she felt that she was actually trying to be there for me as my wife and the only person who I am supposed to have sex with.  She said no.  I then asked her why she would feel the need to accuse me of cheating if she doesn't feel the need to have sex with me.  That's where the conversation ended.  We have had sex 2 times since then, which makes it a grand total of 2 times this year.  Even bringing it up will trigger her.  I get told that she feels that I only want her for sex.  Sadly my smartazz comment "if I only wanted you for sex, I would have left a long time ago because we don't have sex more than 1-2 times a year", was not the best thing I could have said.  But it felt really good to actually say it.

I have come to the realization that, after 20 years of marriage and no real sex life for the last 15, I have given up on it.  I used to hope I would get ED so I wouldn't need sex in my life.  I've even tried herbal supplements that are supposed to lower your libido.  I didn't get ED and the supplements never worked.  I still have never cheated but I no longer stay away from situations where it could happen either.  I have quite frankly given up on the idea of a sexual relationship with my wife of 20 years.  Kind of sad but being told no so often and in so many demeaning ways, takes its toll after a while.  

[goateeki]

But if I do nothing I get "I wanted sex last night and you couldn't even tell, you don't even know me" and be pissed.

Personally, this sort of thing is infuriating to me and an excellent example of how so many pwBPD have no sense of accountability or responsibility.  We are supposed to be omniscient, and if we do not respond to the things inside them that even they do not understand, we've done something terribly wrong.  I have never had a problem saying to a woman, "Maybe I'm not communicating well. Want to f%*k?"  I've only had to say that two or three times in my life but each time, it was met with a smile and a laugh. And sex.

My T has said to me that pwBPD have a view of the world in which things just happen, and just happen to them.  They have very little sense of agency, as most children have little sense of agency when compared to healthy, decisive adults. 

My ex wife (diagnosed) initiated sex never during our 20+ year relationship -- with the possible exception of making the kids, when she was clearly on a mission -- but was nonetheless a total freak in bed.  We had sex four times a week on average.  When it was over, or nearly over, she told me that she always hated sex, that it was the worst part of our relationship, etc.  I laughed and said ":)id you tell your body that?  Because your body absolutely loved it." 

God, life is so much easier now.  My girlfriend is pretty awesome. 

[dacoming]

I feel for everyone on here when it comes to sexual issues.  I have dealt with this for years with my wife.  I don't have ED but have not been able to actually finish the task for myself in years.  I just lie to her and tell her I did.  When sex only happens 1-2 times a year it's difficult to get there.  I have tried so many times to help her understand that it is very important to me and our marriage but it doesn't make much of a difference in the end.  I was recently accused of cheating on her because of how withdrawn I'd become. That and I wouldn't give her access to the new bank account.  I asked her if she felt that she was actually trying to be there for me as my wife and the only person who I am supposed to have sex with.  She said no.  I then asked her why she would feel the need to accuse me of cheating if she doesn't feel the need to have sex with me.  That's where the conversation ended.  We have had sex 2 times since then, which makes it a grand total of 2 times this year.  Even bringing it up will trigger her.  I get told that she feels that I only want her for sex.  Sadly my smartazz comment "if I only wanted you for sex, I would have left a long time ago because we don't have sex more than 1-2 times a year", was not the best thing I could have said.  But it felt really good to actually say it.

I have come to the realization that, after 20 years of marriage and no real sex life for the last 15, I have given up on it.  I used to hope I would get ED so I wouldn't need sex in my life.  I've even tried herbal supplements that are supposed to lower your libido.  I didn't get ED and the supplements never worked.  I still have never cheated but I no longer stay away from situations where it could happen either.  I have quite frankly given up on the idea of a sexual relationship with my wife of 20 years.  Kind of sad but being told no so often and in so many demeaning ways, takes its toll after a while.  

You are in a tough spot.  First time I heard of someone taking herbal supplements to decrease libido... .let's switch .  Actually, I still want sex most of the time, just get anxiety with my wife while doing it.  I've been taking herbal supplements for just over 3 weeks hoping it makes things better.  So far, my erections in the middle of the night and morning have returned.  Hoping Schizandra helps with the anxiety, no signs yet. 

I'm sure you are not wanting to cheat but she refuses to have sex with you.  I wish I had an answer for that.  You might have to tell her you are on the verge of cheating or something because you are hungry and not being fed.  You love her and only want to be with her but you are starving.

[Akita]

I hope everyone who is posting on this thread remembers that there is another person involved with sex.  The pwBPD may have emotional issues related to sex or being any kind of physical.  Do not choose your pleasure over her/his pain.  Im not really seeing much of anyone giving reasons for why the sex life has become what it is... .you do need to consider why it got to that point... .what is going on with her/him.  Not just think about yourself and how you really need to have an orgasm.  That is not the most important thing in a relationship.  Be mindful of your partner and yes it is difficult to understand but we need to try.

[Akita]

she told me that she I always hated sex, that it was the worst part of our relationship, etc.  I laughed and said ":)id you tell your body that?  Because your body absolutely loved it

They loved it... .So if someone has an orgasm while being raped?  I disagree with your logic on how YOU determine if SHE enjoyed sex with you.  The body will respond to physical stimulation.  You don't know what was in her mind during sex so I really dont see how you can conclude she enjoyed it... .  Just saying... .having BPD doesnt make her incapable of determining if she enjoyed it or not... .could have been the BPD that allowed her to create the illusion for you that she was enjoying it.

[Zon]

she told me that she I always hated sex, that it was the worst part of our relationship, etc.  I laughed and said ":)id you tell your body that?  Because your body absolutely loved it

They loved it... .So if someone has an orgasm while being raped?  I disagree with your logic on how YOU determine if SHE enjoyed sex with you.  The body will respond to physical stimulation.  You don't know what was in her mind during sex so I really dont see how you can conclude she enjoyed it... .  Just saying... .having BPD doesnt make her incapable of determining if she enjoyed it or not... .could have been the BPD that allowed her to create the illusion for you that she was enjoying it.

Or she did enjoy it, but hates that she enjoyed it.  She may have felt closer to him during it, and that closeness was uncomfortable for her to handle.

My wife has basically said that she had to force herself to have sex with me (at some point).  I do not enjoy sex with her assuming she ever wants it with that knowledge.  Well, she did ask a couple of months ago (after three years), but I declined.  No way will I have sex again with her just for that reason.  It is a turnoff to think someone is forcing herself to have sex with me.    She has also complained about my approach.  Amusingly, she does not care for too much foreplay while I am big on it.

However, when we did have sex, there were times I would make a "mistake" and the sex would be over just like that.

[Hmcbart]

I've been through that one as well.  She says she enjoys it but when she's in a bad mood, she says she doesn't.  I have tried to focus on staying away from the subject completely.  Even the meantime of it triggers her now.  Just 2 weeks ago she took a gesture I made as a joke as me saying I wanted to have sex.  She was upset with me for 2 days.  When I tried to let her know that I was joking and didn't want to have sex, that just made things worse.   

I also do not enjoy the feeling that she is only doing it because she thinks I will leave or cheat.  I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me.  It seems that bringing it up makes her mad.  Even once or twice a year seems time an that sex is all I want her for.  But not bringing it up means that I don't find her attractive or that I'm cheating.  There is really no solution here.  I usually just try to choose the one that causes the lightest meltdown and deal with it.

[somuch]

It is interesting to read all this. My H had horrible ED in the beginning and then again when we first separated. He would rage about it. He also had ED issues with his first wife. Once we figured it out, our sex life was phenomenal. Both of us have agreed on that. HOWEVER, whenever he is feeling insecure, he will accuse me of being a f'ing whore because it is good and I must've done everyone in my path for our sex to be that good. I happen to feel super comfortable with him during sex, we always have this great connection and I try to get him to see the point that he tells me it that it has never been better for him either. He can hear that sometimes but we always get back to what a whore I am at some point. Breaks my heart. I will miss the good sex if we divorce but I will NOT miss being called a whore.