How would an exBPDgf feel about me having a new female interest?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Ok so Ive just returned from holiday.  I needed to get away for a week after I broke off the relationship with my exBPDgf 3 or 4 weeks ago.

Rewind 18 months ago, before i met my ex.  I met up with a girl that I knew 20 years ago... .she was going through a divorce at the time and I didnt want to get in the middle of that sticky situation and tbf I wasnt ready after my marriage breakdown, 6 months previously.

So back to present time -

Over the last couple of weeks I have struck up a conversation with this woman from a year and a half ago. (its not so intense - ha, I have learned my lesson!), but its polite and seems to be getting quite flirty etc.  Just before holiday we went for a drink. When she turned up, she looked really good.  Pretty, nice, self sufficient (4 kids tho - ouch!) and seemed to talk like a normal person (if that makes sense).  Ive tried to change the way Ive been thinking whilst on holiday. I guess Im trying (and still struggling) to detach, so I guess went into second gear with the new woman.  Weve chatted quite a lot and have asked her if she wants to meet on Thursday for a drink. She said she would if she could sort a babysitter.

Im not really sure what Im doing, whether its a rebound or simply a distraction, but I guess Im just going with the flow.

At xmas time the exBPDgf bought me two tickets to see my favourite comedian.  We were supposed to see it together on Thursday night.

As we were recycling every 3 days (urggh!), she said for me to send her 1 of the tickets and for me to keep the other, then see if we both meet.  I didnt send the ticket as I just thought that was a silly idealistic idea (particularly now).

So I basically have both tickets.

Now my issue is that I would like to take the new woman to the gig on Thursday (he very rarely tours), but my exBPDgf had applied for a job there.  She had an interview, but am not sure whether she got the job or not.  I know nothing about what she has done since I broke it off.

I read this amazing article from a recovered BPD.

www.borderlinepersonality.typepad.com/my_weblog/2008/06/lack-of-object.html

What I want to know is, if for some ridiculous piece of bad fortune, that my exBPDgf were to see us (i.e she is working there).  Would she cause a scene?  If she lacks object permanence, Im basically out of mind.  I.e. invisible to her.  But Ive her stories where the ex goes all "Glenn Close" if they see the non with a new woman / man. If i was invisible - why would she care, if I was there with someone new?

Or if she doesnt work there, do you think she would turn up? she knew how much I wanted these tickets. Theres been no evidence of stalking, but its making me nervous.  I really dont want to miss the show... .and its not fair that after she broke my heart and I just want to get on with life, that I should live in fear of what she could potentially do.

As my username suggests Im a confused bloke.

Any advice?

[confusedbloke]

Ok so Ive just returned from holiday.  I needed to get away for a week after I broke off the relationship with my exBPDgf 3 or 4 weeks ago.

Rewind 18 months ago, before i met my ex.  I met up with a girl that I knew 20 years ago... .she was going through a divorce at the time and I didnt want to get in the middle of that sticky situation and tbf I wasnt ready after my marriage breakdown, 6 months previously.

So back to present time -

Over the last couple of weeks I have struck up a conversation with this woman from a year and a half ago. (its not so intense - ha, I have learned my lesson!), but its polite and seems to be getting quite flirty etc.  Just before holiday we went for a drink. When she turned up, she looked really good.  Pretty, nice, self sufficient (4 kids tho - ouch!) and seemed to talk like a normal person (if that makes sense).  Ive tried to change the way Ive been thinking whilst on holiday. I guess Im trying (and still struggling) to detach, so I guess went into second gear with the new woman.  Weve chatted quite a lot and have asked her if she wants to meet on Thursday for a drink. She said she would if she could sort a babysitter.

Im not really sure what Im doing, whether its a rebound or simply a distraction, but I guess Im just going with the flow.

At xmas time the exBPDgf bought me two tickets to see my favourite comedian.  We were supposed to see it together on Thursday night.

As we were recycling every 3 days (urggh!), she said for me to send her 1 of the tickets and for me to keep the other, then see if we both meet.  I didnt send the ticket as I just thought that was a silly idealistic idea (particularly now).

So I basically have both tickets.

Now my issue is that I would like to take the new woman to the gig on Thursday (he very rarely tours), but my exBPDgf had applied for a job there.  She had an interview, but am not sure whether she got the job or not.  I know nothing about what she has done since I broke it off.

I read this amazing article from a recovered BPD.

www.borderlinepersonality.typepad.com/my_weblog/2008/06/lack-of-object.html

What I want to know is, if for some ridiculous piece of bad fortune, that my exBPDgf were to see us (i.e she is working there).  Would she cause a scene?  If she lacks object permanence, Im basically out of mind.  I.e. invisible to her.  But Ive her stories where the ex goes all "Glenn Close" if they see the non with a new woman / man. If i was invisible - why would she care, if I was there with someone new?

Or if she doesnt work there, do you think she would turn up? she knew how much I wanted these tickets. Theres been no evidence of stalking, but its making me nervous.  I really dont want to miss the show... .and its not fair that after she broke my heart and I just want to get on with life, that I should live in fear of what she could potentially do.

As my username suggests Im a confused bloke.

Any advice?

[once removed]

would it influence your decision one way or another to know how she might react?

[Lifewriter16]

I'd go if I were you. If your ex is there and causes a scene, she causes a scene. You'll handle it if it happens. The likelihood is that your ex isn't working there, so why not see that comedian rather than pass on the opportunity for an eventuality that probably won't even happen?

Lifewriter x

[confusedbloke]

Hi onceremoved.

I really don't know how to answer that - I guess I don't want to put the woman in a difficult situation.  Im probably just tired and overthinking... .But even if it isn't Thursday, how would she react if she saw us together on a different night? Even though she probably has a new interest herself... .  There are no laws to this "game" and I guess I want to be armed with as much knowledge from those that have experienced it.  Ive been distracted whilst on holiday but now Ive got home to the empty house, its all at the forefront of my mind again... .stupid brain!

Hi Lifewriter,

Yeah, that makes total sense.  I cant stop all eventualities (it doesn't help that Im an ex database developer - always about the logic, and "what ifs".  I think its because she seemed very excited about going with me at xmas... .and just concerned that she will try to ruin it for me.  But yeah, I think youre right, I really want to go.

All Im trying to do is take the advice of you guys that say take time for yourself. Just trying to get on with life after this seriously traumatic experience. 

Im avoiding anywhere she would go, blocked her on fb.  I can block her phone, but not texts. I have no interest in what she is up to - and its going to be a while before I can

I made a bit of a mistake on holiday and texted her asking for the keys back.  It was a polite text.  I never received a response, thankfully.  I shouldnt have texted, but it was because I was miles away and feeling a bit down.  I think because she never responded, it got me thinking that I am that invisible / piece or dirt to her, that she might do anything to make my life hell.  And as a result, paranoia set in... .I wont make that mistake again.

thanks - its a mine field

[once removed]

I guess I don't want to put the woman in a difficult situation.

whether she knows it or not, you are putting her in a difficult situation.

Im avoiding anywhere she would go, blocked her on fb.  I can block her phone, but not texts. I have no interest in what she is up to - and its going to be a while before I can

are you avoiding anywhere she would go? you think she may work there or otherwise might turn up.

[confusedbloke]

For the difficult situation - Do you mean in general or just the specific Thursday night?

I was just wanting to prepare myself in case she was there.  I just had a niggling feeling that she will somehow be there and just wanted some advice, whether to bother about it, not go to this gig, or just go anyhow.

[once removed]

i mean both. there are unresolved feelings here, and anticipations of your exes reaction. if your ex were there and did cause a scene, thats a difficult situation too.

the question isnt right or wrong and i dont think itd be right for me to tell you what to do or what not to do. what i would recommend is to examine three questions:

1. what is your motive for going

2. consider the best case scenario (she isnt there) and the worst case scenario (she is there and causes a scene). is it worth it?

3. how will you react if you see her?

[confusedbloke]

I think its just because she went too far - and it could have been serious for me... .hospitalisation etc.  Its freaked me out and I just don't want her anywhere near me... .(as difficult as it is to detach - which is crazy I know).

1 - Motive is to go as I love this national comedian and I don't want to be concerned if I get hassle.  Which I may not do, but she was quite physical.

2 - Yeah, changing my mind now - probably not worth the hassle as she will see it as one of the tickets is hers.  And if someone else has that ticket its going to validate her point of me being 'a cheat' and shes unpredictable then.

3 - If I saw her I would just make an exit, go to a different place and hope she didn't see me.


Or maybe she has hopefully moved on and I am just a distant memory... .I think that by the way there hasn't been contact Im inclined to believe that she has moved on and therefore I can move on... .  I dunno.

Bloody hell 

[confusedbloke]

Funny aswell thinking that I shouldn't have texted last week, but in a way its made me realise that I really am dealing with the mentality of a child. 

In a normal relationship breakdown youre polite with each other, and you know to answer texts or requests in a good way.  When your ex doesn't even respond to a nice request - its just ridiculous - but its how weve been conditioned by them to accept that not answering texts or being treated that way is normal.  It just isn't... .  And that's why Im a little anxious about Thursday...

[once removed]

I think its just because she went too far - and it could have been serious for me... .hospitalisation etc.  Its freaked me out and I just don't want her anywhere near me... .(as difficult as it is to detach - which is crazy I know).

ideally we are learning to stop walking on eggshells, and its good to get back to our normal routine without consideration for our exes. what you describe is also a legitimate consideration, and if you dont want her anywhere near you (natural feeling right now), no reason to put yourself in a situation that could be chaotic for all three of you. i guess a lot of it comes down to how likely you think it is that shed be there.

youre probably dead on about number two; you know her best. it would suck for anybody to see, but this might be perceived as the ultimate betrayal, whether thats logical, or her problem, or not.

Or maybe she has hopefully moved on and I am just a distant memory... .I think that by the way there hasn't been contact Im inclined to believe that she has moved on and therefore I can move on... . I dunno.

i dont think its at all crazy that you havent detached. in fact i think it should be acknowledged and tended to. grieve your relationship. what she does or doesnt do has no bearing on your process. your actions right now are to a certain extent dictated by hers, understandably so, but i think thats what has you tangled up here. it sounds contradictory, but when youre attached, it is.

you have time to decide what to do about the show. use some of that time to try to clear your head  

[confusedbloke]

Thanks for the advice. After careful consideration I have decided to take a friend. He knows her and if she was there I don't think she would cause a scene as she wouldn't want to look bad in front of him.

I think it's the safest / less stressful option. 

So yes, I'm going to see the gig and I can't wait!

[Stripey77]

Hi all... .

If I may just offer a very slightly different view.

Just take out the BPD element out of this, completely, if you can. Just pretend that isn't a factor.

Now, as I understand it (please correct me if I've got this wrong):

- your ex GF bought you the tickets as a gift when you were together - presumably with the intention that the two of you would go together.

- she has since indicated that she would like one of those tickets back, ok, under some romantic idealism, but forget about the 'why' for now.

- you have ended the relationship.

- you have since struck up a friendship with another woman and are thinking she could be a potential partner.

- there is a possibility that your ex is working at the venue of the gig.

- you still really want to go to this gig.

- you think it would be a good idea to go to this gig with this potential 'new woman'.

- you're asking us if we think there will be a reaction.


Still taking BPD out of this completely, ask yourself this, would you even need to ask this question if your ex was non-BPD?

Would you need to ask it if someone did this to your sister, friend, or other relative?

Would you need to ask it if someone did it to YOU?


Imagine that the shoe were on the other foot. How about that you had done something so lovely and thoughtful for someone as to buy them tickets like this, and then, for whatever reason (it really is totally academic) they broke up with you. How do you think YOU would feel if you then saw that person with another man, at the gig, using the tickets YOU bought for her?

Do the words 'a slap in the face' mean anything to you? I'm really sorry, and I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship or why it ended, but I can't actually believe that you would even consider doing this to someone, BPD or not. You didn't really need to ask us this question, did you? Of course you should still use the tickets. Of course don't overly worry about whether she is there or not. But take another woman? Just months after you left this one? Come on now confused... .you're not serious!  If anyone did this to anyone else,  we ALL know, it would create a reaction - hurt, anger, or both. But because there is BPD  involved, the feelings could be greatly magnified, and the consequences devastating. You know this, we all know this.  There's no need at ALL to take another woman to this gig. Take the friend, it's not just a safer option, it's also the more appropriate and moral one!

If I may be a little blunt, I believe what you're really asking is, would it be ok to go and rub my ex's face in it and do something that I know could cause a great deal of trouble? And then, any fall out or consequences could be written off as manifestations of her condition!  That, to me, is really unfair. It doesn't matter who hurt whom in the relationship - it's academic. And anyway, you ended it, which is the ultimate hurt, especially to someone with BPD.  But you must know, deep in your heart of hearts, that doing this to anyone, regardless of emotional disorders, would inflict unnecessary pain or at least, discomfort.

I have said this elsewhere, but people with BPD are still that - people. I've seen so many posts on these boards with people expressing a need for 'revenge' or wanting the ex partner to feel some of their pain, or to be made to hurt. Why? Why why why? What does this achieve, for anyone? It's an unnecessary expenditure of energy, and doesn't help us to heal. Misery does not love company, and most importantly of all, it is well known that the opposite of love is not hate. It's indifference.  

I'm not saying that you are deliberately trying to hurt her or incite a reaction, not on a superficial level at any rate. But look inside your heart a little bit harder, and examine your motives. You need to try to practise indifference, or at least give the impression of it, if the relationship is truly over for you. Bringing a new woman to something your ex planned to do with you, says to me that you are far removed from indifferent, and I'm sure your ex would feel the same.

[Aussie0zborn]

I strongly disagree with a lot of what Stripey wrote.

The fact is the tickets were bought for you - this is your show. She is no longer with you. She doesn't get to go. Wanting one ticket back? Sorry... .she ought to have the decency to say, "well, that show is HIS thing, I bought the tickets for HIM and I hope HE enjoys it".

Glad to hear you resolved your dilemma but I think you copped out. One thing I adopted from years of counselling in order to detox from BPD was, ":)on't worry about what may or may not happen in the future - you can't control it no matter how much you worry about it. Live your life and deal with it if and when it happens". This has led me to be free of unnecessary self-imposed stress.

So one day you may or may not bump into her. Deal with it on the spot like a gentleman and you'll be fine.

[WoundedBibi]

And I strongly agree with what Stripey wrote.

If your ex didn't have BPD wouldn't it be obvious to you that it would be hurtful to take another woman especially if your ex might actually be there as an employee?

And if the situation were the other way round, you had bought tickets for the 2 of you, you had applied for a job at the venue, wouldn't you be here posting with questions if she would be going with someone else, who it would be, would it be your replacement, would she dare to do that knowing you applied for a job there, would she dare to do that when the tickets were bought for the two of you? I think so. And a lot of reactions here if she did do what you thought of doing at first would be "what? She went with another guy? With YOUR ticket? To where you now work? She is trying to hurt you, to play a game with your feelings. What a witch!" Double standard.

[troisette]

I also agree with Stripey's reasoning.

[once removed]

i think everyone has valid points. on the surface, my own statements seem contradictory in that we dont want to walk on eggshells, and we want to return to normal, and do the things we enjoy, but we want to consider the thoughts and feelings of others, as well as downstream consequences for us.

going with a friend, in my opinion, is a good move 

[Lifewriter16]

going with a friend, in my opinion, is a good move 

I also think it's a good move.

Lifewriter x

[confusedbloke]

Hi everyone - thanks for your comments.

Ok so as everyone knows here, we come for advice.  We are all, all over the place trying to make sense of whats happened.

If she didnt have BPD, then no I wouldnt even consider taking another woman, because in a normal relationship you would keep your head down and not try to hurt anyone.  But when someone has been so cruel for so long - compassion has gone way out of the window.  Wasnt trying to be horrible to her, I just dont wish to consider her feelings anymore.  The tank is dry on that front. All I was concerned about was the 'new woman'... .And she isnt a love interest, and I have made my position clear on this front. She is a friend from 20 years ago... .Although I am a little concerned that she is more keen than I am. And this is because Im still messed up with my exBPDgf.

I have spent the last 15 months considering her feelings, trying to make her happy, trying to get her to just love me, basically being a nice bloke to her - which is something she says shes never had. But she just didnt want it.  She pushed me away big time, big, big time.  And now I have got to the stage where I simply cannot consider her anymore.  Im exhausted.  Im destroyed.  I want to move on with my life.  She had dominated everything I had done while we were together, she will not do it anymore.  We are over.  She wanted one of the tickets during a 24 hour speaking session, right before she went off grid for another 3 days.  I said she could have it if she gave me my house keys back.  No house keys arrived - so no ticket was sent.  Ive had enough of her.  I dont want revenge, my "revenge" will be to move on and forget about her.  Im not a vengeful person.  I will walk away.

And yes I ended it 4 weeks ago after 4 men came into the local pub to beat me.  If I hadnt had the kids with me then I would probably still be in hospital now - or a morgue.  I spoke to one of these blokes a few days later after it had calmed down and he told me he had a baseball bat in the car and was ready to use it.  He said he would explain to the others my side of the story after I broke down and cried in front of him.  He was ok actually. Others, being her landlord and ex-boyfriend who is miraculously back on the scene... .very convenient... .  Not that it bothers me.  I had that worry all along. I dont stress about him anymore.  I actually want her to be with him.  She scares me, shes his problem now - hence my question. I assumed they would be together, so thought "why cant I go with someone else?". "Why should I keep walking on egg shells in fear of what she will do, when she does as she pleases?". I know Im thinking of her as a "normal" person by saying that - but I dont care anymore.

I adored this woman, I worshipped the ground she walked on and she betrayed me on a grand scale.  BPD or not I will not accept that, and she will never see me or the kids again. The hell this woman has put me through is horrifying.  The self harming, my god I have pictures of a blood stained cabin on a ferry... .Christ I thought she had slit her wrists... .So many stories... .they are just not worth thinking about anymore.

I have an amazing relationship with my kids and Ive been quietly observing them lately and I have realised that even my 5 year old boy has more empathy and love than this woman.  There is nothing to her. Nothing behind the eyes... .shes empty - and its sad, but it aint my problem anymore.  I have realised that she has the mentality of an angry 3 year old, who has these most unbelievable tantrums.  My kids dont have tantrums because they are well loved and well looked after.  Me and my ex wife dont ever need to punish them or reprimand then - as its very harmonious and me and the kids all have fun and play together.  I do not need this woman / child around my children.  My kids are not brought up like this. 

I have been truly appalled at my exes upbringing - the things the poor girl has had to endure, just makes me sad... I wanted to make it better for her.  She even said at one point that she wished she would have had a dad like me when she was younger. But I endured her nonsense for so long and every man has his breaking point. I just wanted to make it better for her.  Not anymore.

I have been on a roller coaster of a ride for the last 15 months, and I will not be party to her torment anymore.  I am simply trying to move on, and thats why I asked the question, rather than just going ahead and doing it. I just wanted everyones input.

And as for gifts, imagine spending a lot of money on a necklace for a milestone birthday, after taking her away for a romantic weekend, only to have thrown at you and broken, because she got drunk and woke up in a mood.  Then ended up crawling along the pavement... .trying to reach for her shoes... .She is bad news and I really want to concentrate on me and my lovely children.

And thanks OzzieOz.  I just want to get on with my life.  Thats all.  Ive never been in this situation before.

I may sound a little angry, but I am not.  Ive just reached my breaking point, and I do not care anymore what she thinks.  As I say, I was just concerned for the 'new woman'.  But after thinking about it, I decided to take a friend.  Even now I will still be very nervous going with him.

Thanks for your comments tho stripey, its good to hear a different side

I just want to get my head in to a normal state again... .  I still cannot stop thinking about everything... .But Im thinking more about the bad times, than good now, and I think its helping?

[confusedbloke]

and just to add.  The reason I was so nice to the exBPDgf was because I wasn't a great husband.  I was not attentive or loving and she left.  So I just wanted to be different with the next woman I met.  I wanted to be the opposite of what I was.

Boy did I pick one there 

[confusedbloke]

Well after all that it appears to be a moot point.

Received a text from her this morning saying

"Hi I hope you're well. I'm sure you had no intentions of attending tomorrow night, but just in case I've cancelled the tickets. Also I'm working the gig Friday.  I doubt very much I'll bump into you, but just so you're aware is all. Thanks (her name).

She obviously got the job then.  So she cancelled the tickets in case I was still going. Spoke to my friend and he said you cant cancel them. The final insult. I won't be responding like I usually do. She'll be expecting my disappointment but am not gonna give her the satisfaction.

Well I guess I'll go elsewhere. And it's Thursday not Friday but you know always had to do detective work to understand her texts.

Cheers

[once removed]

 

thank you for reminding me about the situation with the four men, it adds a lot of context here.

i think youre right: she is bad news. i understand wanting to get on with your life, but she is still engaging, and baiting you. you would be wise to lay low, go off her grid to the extent you can, while she focuses her attention and drama elsewhere. you obviously cant do that forever, and im not encouraging you to, but i think your attitude thus far, along with not responding, or even going, are prudent and safe thinking. you also need time and space to heal, and thats difficult to do with her popping up.

it is a big step that your memories are becoming more balanced in terms of remembering the good vs the bad. id like to suggest you put them to paper, when i did so it really sank in for me, and was a milestone in my recovery.

we do understand where youre coming from, confusedbloke, and we feel for you. please keep posting - this is tough stuff to work through 

[Dhand77]

and just to add.  The reason I was so nice to the exBPDgf was because I wasn't a great husband.  I was not attentive or loving and she left.  So I just wanted to be different with the next woman I met.  I wanted to be the opposite of what I was.

Boy did I pick one there 

Same here, Bloke. I thought I really slacked of in my last r/s. So I made it a point to be a great boyfriend that time around.

I picked one doozy of a female to be great with. 

[confusedbloke]

Thanks Once... .Youre a really warm person.  

Yeah she knew how much I wanted to see him and she just cut me down.  Im not hurt by that anymore... . I once bought us "Thriller live" tickets - I love MJ and was looking forward to seeing it.  She went off grid and refused to speak to me, so I missed it... .again, for no reason at all and again at great expense.  Shes horrible.  I don't care if shes ill anymore.  Shes not the kind of person I need in my life.  Im a happy, friendly, popular, nice bloke with a good job, nice house, nice car, and nice kids.  I had just forgotten... . I had turned into someone awful.  I was thinking about it last night (as you do) and I realised that what she had done is made me into her.  She sucked my very soul out.  She made me high with excitement when she was nice to me (white) and so desperately sad, stressed and unhappy when she ignored me for days or attacked me (black).  Id turned into the black and white that she feels, and I had no control over it.  She really did make me into her... . God shes awful... .I don't need her near me anymore. There was no middle ground for me.  Its very weird.

As each hour goes by I feel stronger and stronger.  I have no desire to play her games anymore.  Today, Ive not thought about her every minute... .Maybe every 15.  I will get over this horrible person.  I will make myself do it.  I deserve so much better.  She will never get the best of me again.  As I said last night, Im not angry anymore, Ive just had enough.  I have quite literally switched the proverbial light off.  And I will certainly not respond to her text.  I have 3 children and I know how fickle they are.  But as I said, my 5 year old boy is more emotionally mature than what she is.  I dont need a fourth child, especially one with those seriously messed up issues. I dont need her.

I downloaded Fatal Attraction ( I think I mentioned it) - and that is what it felt like.  I think she has an extreme BPD (Im no doctor), but hearing what some of the people have been saying on here, I think that she seems to be worse.  Very violent, and willing to stop at nothing to see me in ruins. But, conversely, its actually probably a good thing that she has been so bad, as its made me realise that I will not have that around me.  If she had mild BPD, then I would probably find it hard to let go... . But because she was seriously crazy I guess Im finding it easier.  Had I known about BPD when I met her, things may have been different, but you only find out about it, coz you are curious as to why your partner behaves in this way and you end up here.  I cant believe how many poor souls there are out here, getting over the devastation of this kind of person.

I dont care about her past.  I dont care about her hurt.  I dont care about her.  She has lost me and she will have to deal with that. No more. Dont give a cr*p anymore.

Ive just had the best fun with my kids tonight.  I could never play with them before because it was like she was competing for my attention.  I actually think she saw my kids as peers.  Seriously! If I played with the kids, she looked like she was sulking.

I dont feel sad for her anymore.  I did last night.  But telling me she cancelled the tickets to my favourite comedian, just reinforced my decision.  I will come away from this part of my life fully recovered, and a lot wiser to what my needs are in life and fully back to my normal self.  Its been a good learning experience about myself.

I will keep you updated with my developments, but at the moment Im on a mission to rid that toxic poison from my life.

[confusedbloke]

Ha - no way Dhand - you can totally see where Im coming from.

When my marriage broke down I didn't even get a lawyer.  I trusted her implicitly.  We settled everything out of court and signed a few papers.  And my ex wife will always be my friend (as that's all she was really).  Because we love our kids and do not want them messed up.

I maybe went a bit overboard being all romantic 'n' stuff with the BPD woman, but bloody hell, did I pick one.  She seemed to fall for me so quickly.  I just thought she was obsessed with me.  TBH I liked it at first.  She gave me so much attention that I craved.  But as the weeks progressed, something wasn't right.  I just couldn't put my finger on it.  Because I put it down to obsession, I liked it I guess, so endured the torment.  It wasn't until it started to get violent that I though that this wasn't right.  And the more she became like that, the more I backed off and diud my own thing... .which made it worse... .My god - it was awful mate... .I feel for you too pal

[once removed]

thanks confusedbloke. youre very kind for saying so

I will come away from this part of my life fully recovered, and a lot wiser to what my needs are in life and fully back to my normal self.  Its been a good learning experience about myself.

this is a great attitude  . anger is a normal part of the grieving/detaching process, and you have every right to feel it. it is progress in and of itself, but be careful that you dont get stuck there; this is a person you had a lot of feelings for, who you now see as a horrible person. ive been there - there can be truth to both. as we work through the anger, it helps to put the spotlight on us, and as you said, learn about ourselves. most of us, if not all, lost a lot of ourselves in these relationships. if we want to learn from that experience, it helps to ask ourselves how and why.