What is the age of your ex ?

[Herodias]

I am just curious of the age of our exes here... .does it make any difference? Do they mature over time? Mine will be 35 in June. He seemed to get a bit better about his drinking as he got older I met him at 25... .but in my case the behavior got worse with violence and cheating. I know someone whose Mother has it and she is in her 70's. She always feels left out and has an on and off relationship with her boyfriend and seems to think everyone who is really taking advantage of her is her friend. Her family needs to watch out for her. I think the person in the r/s with them know best, so anyone with older BPD's I am wondering if life is still full of drama... .A counselor told my exes parents when he was in high school that he would grow out of it... .Hmmmm... .

[insideoutside]

My friend is 48

[Makersmarksman]

41

[troisette]

Mine's in his sixties Blue.

I've read much about older people with BPD. Many contradictory comments:

That it gets better with age.

That it doesn't improve with age but coping/concealing mechanisms are developed.

That it gets worse with age.

That the type of BPD can change with age, ie classic playing out can become quiet.

I am none the wiser.

I guess that, like so much about BPD, it varies according to the individual.

[love4meNOTu]

46 Blue...

[john83]

My ex is 45... .unmarried, no kids with a string of abusive partners (by her reckoning)... .I was soo different to all the others however  


and now I'm just like them... .

[joeramabeme]

54

[Herodias]

This is very interesting... .I think that goes to show you that they don't necessarily "grow out of it"... .

[confusedbloke]

40.  My opinion is that they will get worse... .buiding up more bitterness and more of a resistance to let go and be loved

[Herodias]

40.  My opinion is that they will get worse... .buiding up more bitterness and more of a resistance to let go and be loved

I suppose they will have more experience on how to manipulate people too... .

[confusedbloke]

Yeah - a self preservation thing I guess.  Its a shame really... .Coz everyones capable of love... .Just a shame they never got it at the right stage... .

[drummerboy5]

My exBPD/npd is 32 never lived on her own

[Itstopsnow]

My ex just turned 35. I think it doesn't get "better" maybe "less" acting out as they age. Because they can't keep up the secret lifestyle as actively as they could when they were younger and more  spry. I think the BPD thing gets less as they age for those reasons alone. Their mental and emotional state doesn't change. And I'm talking about people in there 70's 80's and above that have BPD. That's when I think behaviors may get less severe. But only for the reasons I stated. They physically can't keep up with it. The aches and pains of older age catches up.

[Dhand77]

36. When I met her Aunt, she finally thought her niece matured. Once the aunt caught wind of the break up. The first thing she said was "She still an immature little girl."

[Narkiss]

51. Didn't know him when he was younger but he said that he was utterly selfish 20 years ago and still struggles every day against it. I think he has more self control now but years more triggers built up. My mother has a BPD cousin who is nearly 90. She is a nightmare. She raged at her husband on his deathbed

[neverloveagain]

My ex is 28 now and is in full river flow.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Mine is 40.  I'm 31.  He seems to be getting more extreme with every relationship.

[Ahoy]

26, I thought she was so mature for her age... .

[Herodias]

Ahoy, I thought mine was mature at 25- turns out he had lots of therapy at that point and he was mirroring me- hmmm... .

[LilMe]

Mine is 60 and is just as bad as when he was younger; maybe worse  :'(

[sadmike1]

37... .going on 15 

[sweet tooth]

Late 20s chronologically. 5 emotionally.

[strongerthanU]

Hey blue,

Mine is 55(56in three months)but seriously acts like he's 75. Some things did mellow over the years, I have been with him since he was 26 however, other things have intensified.

[Narkiss]

Stronger: what has intensified and what has mellowed?

[once removed]

im not an expert on the subject, but i do have some personal experience, though it doesnt so much pertain to BPD.

my father has difficulty regulating his emotions, and can display a temper. he has always recoiled at suggestions of really any kind of mental health treatment. as he has aged, i think the tendency is fundamentally still there, and comes out on occasion, but for years (over a decade) the frequency has drastically lessened, to the point that such behavior is very, very rare.

its been a while since ive read about BPD traits lessening or remitting with age, but ive always had the impression that with age, its largely the issues with emotional regulation (or frequency or intensity of dysregulation) that may lessen over time. age mellows a person. hormones change. seems reasonable to me that that could lessen, for example, the inappropriate displays of anger, and the frequency of them. i could see impulsive behaviors lessening. suicidal behaviors might lessen. mood swings might be less extreme or frequent.

it all, of course, depends on the person. behaviors can certainly become more ingrained, and therefore worsen, in a given person. someone lower on the spectrum might at some point no longer meet the criteria for a diagnosis, but still fundamentally have many of the same issues.

my ex recently turned thirty by the way. probably too young for me to gauge that sort of thing.

[Stolen]

Ex is now 50. Knew her since she was 17.  Didn't know the terms then, but there was always uncontrolled anger (dysphoric rage... .), splitting, problems with intimacy (engulfment?), lack of empathy, no building of goodwill, etc. Seems like quite the laundry list now, but I attributed virtually all of it to the evil MIL, who I was determined to save her from.  And we all know how that turns out. 

Anyhow, peaks and valleys as we moved through life, having children clearly triggered something down deep, and then the oldest approaching adolescence while ex ran into peri-menopause provided for the perfect storm.  I'd say 42 was the onset of the worst, and extreme and  rapid enough that I was originally thinking brain tumor.  Eight years later and so much damage done that even if she were to organically recover, I don't think she could ever face what she has wrought.  So it remains horrible, with two daughters forever scarred by the experience.

[Phenomenal Woman]

40.  My opinion is that they will get worse... .buiding up more bitterness and more of a resistance to let go and be loved

I suppose they will have more experience on how to manipulate people too... .

I can definitely agree with this. My ex is 47 and loved to profess he is wiser and knows the real deal as he would put it

[JQ]

Hey Blue,

I'm glad you asked this question and would agree that they "ON'T GROW OUT OF IT"!   My BPD step mother is 71 and until last year was abusing a Fentanyl pain patch for over ten years, Oxy. Other pain pills, alcohol just to mention a few. Drug & alcohol abuse is a key identifier for BPD.  I spent months with her weaning her off of the Fentanyl patch after the doc refused to reissue the script after the state was cracking down. Then she turned to pills she could get by other means.

My BPD step sister is about to turn 49, abuses prescription meds & alcohol.  My first exBPDgf is 49, abuses alcohol and still has her own flock of flying monkey's. Her mother died still having trips to the mental ward at a local hospital well into her 70's. My more recent & 2nd exBPDgf is 51 and abuses alcohol, and continues to exhibit extreme  BPD behavior after 25 plus years of advanced mental health professionals trying to "manage" her Cluster B mental Illness.

I'm sure there are others that have been in my life but chose to leave the situation before the flying monkey's took flight.

At least 5 important women in my life all having BPD and none are any closer to managing their Cluster B mental illness.  I've seen those on the staying board who have been with their BPD spouse for more then 30 yrs for different reasons. I can't NOT imagine dealing with constant flying monkey's and riding the crazy train roller coaster day in and day out for 30 yrs ... .but they are of a different generation and have a different mind set. I recently met a woman in her early 70's who just divorced her husband after 45 years because of his crazy flying monkey behavior. She told me she wanted her last few years free of the chaos, pain and hurt that she had experienced for so many years.

Interesting topic ... .we learn everyday don't we?   

J

[strongerthanU]

Narkiss,

The behaviors that mellowed over time I guess it's more morphed rather than mellowed. In our early marriage anger and over the top rage was normal. Verbal abuse always accompanied his anger implying my stupidity and just how dumb he thought I was etc... .I would get horrible looks after his tirades and he would hiss and make animal like sounds my direction. Silence would then ensue for a couple of days.

It was always followed by what I call superman sex (haha) great lengths would be gone to to impress and woo me in the bedroom. Honestly I was like a frightened little animal after that treatment and sexual prowess really didn't impress me.

I separated from him after ten years and four babies and went thru co dependency treatment. We reconciled and he relapsed to angry behaviors and other things after about 8 months post separation.

When he realized I just wasn't gonna hangout and put up with the gross anger and verbal crap. His isolating behaviors really amped up and progressed quite a lot up to present.

What this looked like is: was always introverted but now won't do holidays with family, hides out in his man cave, won't do shared meals even with me, quit traveling with me about fifteen years ago but talks incessantly about his bucket list of travels and has a lot of anger towards me for not making his travel dreams come true.

I and my h both worked in the fitness industry, we are an attractive, fit couple. For his age my h looks amazing but acts old and decrepit. It is soo sad to me, I can see the weariness all over his face.

He has sunk into angry silences that go on for weeks rather than just a couple of days to the point of moving out of our bedroom for a week or two at a time.

H has always been financially irresponsible and has sabotaged finances but now fantasizes about retiring at 57 with having blown thru retirement funds, tells everyone we are quitting jobs moving to Hawaii, I see a very delusional person.

H was one of the hardest working most diligent people I have ever known in respect to work. Soo hope that gives you some perspective on my experience... .I reached my break point a year ago right now and we are just beginning separation proceedings he thinks I'm nuts of course!

[londons]

hi all, my separated ex is 49.  i am 57.  he takes unbelievable care of himself physically, but is at a standstill emotionally.  he just sent me an e mail yesterday stating that he gave up on all therapists as they are all "full of crap".  last week's email from him said all the therapists he has seen have "bailed" on him.  i hate to say it, but as i went to a few visits with him, they did kind of bail on him !     most said,  "move on from me, im not qualified... ."      at one visit,  my ex told the therapist he wanted to talk about his being sexually abused as a young boy (which took A LOT of courage for him to do!  he keeps it so internalized! )    and the therapist replied, "let's not open that can of worms"     what the hail?    i was like, YES! please open that can of worms!  here is a can opener!      i know you have to keep looking for the right therapist, but my ex probably tried 15 in just the 9 years i was with him.  sorry i got off track on your question  blue, i guess the answer to your question is age is not an indicator!  we have seen ages from 17 to 75.       as my ex got more and more comfortable with me from the age of 40 to 49, he started making progressively worse decisions and never fully trusted me... .the accusations made me cry because he was soo wrong.  i had eyes for only him, and i will always love him... .   hugz, londons