Promise to myself to heal and let go - the pathway back to serenity

[cherryblossom]

Only I can make the decision to b happy and only I can put this into practice. I truly want to let go, which means actively having this in mind -think my excessive rumination and replaying of events is partly to do with me still clinging to hope. I have to actively use distraction and radical acceptance to help. I think I need to stay away from the detaching boards as much as possible now as feel I have done enough licking my wounds. Unless its to support others when i feel like i hav the extra reserve. I think this board may b more useful at my stage of detaching. Never thought of hope as a negative quality before but find it damaging now. Positivs action is better than hope. Hope seems passive and victimg to me now. May be wrong this is just my feeling about it right now xxx

[Herodias]

Only I can make the decision to b happy and only I can put this into practice. I truly want to let go, which means actively having this in mind -think my excessive rumination and replaying of events is partly to do with me still clinging to hope. I have to actively use distraction and radical acceptance to help. I think I need to stay away from the detaching boards as much as possible now as feel I have done enough licking my wounds. Unless its to support others when i feel like i hav the extra reserve. I think this board may b more useful at my stage of detaching. Never thought of hope as a negative quality before but find it damaging now. Positivs action is better than hope. Hope seems passive and victimg to me now. May be wrong this is just my feeling about it right now xxx

Good for you! I know what you mean... .It probably doesn't help to go over it and over it. It gets old. So what are you doing to make things better for you? I actually have gotten into taking pictures of Birds of all things... .It is very challenging, but I am actually selling my photos on canvas at work! I am really thrilled to have a hobby and make a little bit of money at it too. Makes me feel good.  My friends want me to get out more, but I am not ready to do that yet... .

[cherryblossom]

That's great Blue!

Creativity is very healing /empowering!

I started crocheting these crazy dog hats with pom poms for friends-people love them -haha!

I have a student atm and an essay to do, but once I'm back from my hols June 4th- I can focus on an idea I have for a play-I have a friend who is an actress and she can point me in right direction, knows people who share my vision-I trust her opinion and she feels it is a very original -very of the moment type production -I'm excited to get stuck into this. I also have songs I want to produce -need to brush up my guitar skills first -so another positive focus -I know what you mean about getting out there -I assume you mean dating? -I'm not ready for that I want to fall in love with myself again more first xxx

[Lucky Jim]

Hey CB, I echo your sentiments about rumination.  One technique that helps me is to say "Cancel" or ":)elete" to myself, out loud if necessary, when I find myself starting to ruminate about my former marriage to a pwBPD.  Then, I intentionally switch my focus to something positive.  It really works!  You might try it.  As for hope, I find it helpful to let go of any particular outcome and to allow things to unfold naturally, which is easier said than done, but makes a difference for me.

LuckyJim

[cherryblossom]

Thanks lucky jim i will give those tips a good shot! A phrase that has helped me is- let go and let god (and god can mean anything ) am off on hols 2moz! Cant wait!

[heartandwhole]

Hi cherryblossom,

I'm with you about the hope thing. I also experienced hope as a negative while detaching; in fact, the moment hope truly died for me, I felt a kind of freedom. I didn't have to torture myself about my decisions anymore. It sounds cynical, but I just stopped believing in anything that was said, done, or even felt in my relationship with pwBPD. That allowed me to let go, and I'm grateful for that.

Yes, I felt depressed and hurt a lot, but I was free, and that was the key for me, I think. If we trust life to unfold with some kind of intelligence, I think we don't need hope as much, because we accept what is happening (which doesn't stop us from working to change any situation, too).

Have you tried meditation? Even 12 mins. a day can make a big difference for peace of mind and reduction of anxiety, etc.

Nice to have you on the P.I. board, keep sharing your wisdom!

heartandwhole

[Lucky Jim]

Yes, I felt depressed and hurt a lot, but I was free, and that was the key for me, I think. If we trust life to unfold with some kind of intelligence, I think we don't need hope as much, because we accept what is happening (which doesn't stop us from working to change any situation, too).

Great stuff, H&W!  I agree on personal freedom.  Now I strive to make my life a journey towards authenticity.  I let go of outcomes and let things unfold naturally, as much as possible.  What I find intriguing is that, by letting go of the outcome, I often bring about the outcome!  It's a curious Zen paradox, but works for me.

LuckyJim

[heartandwhole]

Great stuff, H&W!  I agree on personal freedom.  Now I strive to make my life a journey towards authenticity.  I let go of outcomes and let things unfold naturally, as much as possible.  What I find intriguing is that, by letting go of the outcome, I often bring about the outcome!  It's a curious Zen paradox, but works for me.

LuckyJim

Thank you, Lucky Jim!  I think your approach is awesome. This theme of acceptance also made me think of the Zen story about the Farmer's Son... .in which the refrain, "Who knows if it's good or bad" (paraphrasing), reflects the farmer's attitude toward whatever happens in his life. I like that outlook because it assumes that the human mind can't always see the bigger or long term picture, in which life events can often turn out "better" than he/she has imagined.

[Lucky Jim]

Thanks, H&W.  Agree w/you and enjoy the story about the Farmer's Son.  For the same reason, I avoid making good/bad judgments, because sometimes good things come out of negative experiences, and vice-versa.  Though occasionally I get discouraged, for the most part I find that no matter what happens, it's all an opportunity for growth.  Strange as it may sound, I'm actually grateful for the lessons learned in the BPD crucible, though am glad that experience is behind me now.

LuckyJim

[cherryblossom]

glad i started this thread -something positive to come back to -went down a rabbit hole for a bit!

taking more steps towards letting go -and I mean of everything!

Becoming more of an observer and joy/light seeker -life is or can be full of pain to varying degrees- but we don't need to suffer-my ultimate realization-and I truly hope to one day meet someone who shares this philosophy. It is ok to be sad, unhappy, low and it's ok to be free, happy and blissed out -everything is fine one way or the other -there is no need to put on a front or hide or deny or be strong -it is ok to ask for support - it is ok to be ok and ok to not be ok !

I too strive towards authenticity -honoring and acknowledging pain -and its doorway to understanding what needs attending to in myself and greater pathway to self compassion


I nabbed a great quote of someone's wall that resonated with me well as I am in the healing sphere:

by kwabena foli:

how did you know you were meant to be a healer?

... .because i kept falling in love with broken people

then why are you alone?

because I'm broken too

so I'm falling in love with myself

to get a taste of my own medicine


sublime!

[HoneyB33]

Yep, I totally relate to what you said. How weird is it to come to a place of seeing your "good" qualities with "flaws", and your "bad" qualities as, "Oh wow, that was actually a good thing?" (Like your anger trying to protect you).

I can totally understand the hope. I felt like that for a long time. I think for me now, it's more of a matter of feeling able to stand up for myself. My ex pulled the rug out from under me every time I tried to stand up for myself, and so it's trying to build that back.

LuckyJim I have found your post very helpful lately, so thank you for that.