I guess I'm pretty co-dependent.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I've known it for a while, but today just really reinforced it for me. I had a long, stressful day. One of the worst in months. When I was with my BPDx, she would listen to my ranting and venting and play with my hair and offer to cook for me and we'd make love and I'd feel better.

I'm now more than a year and a half out. Detachment has been happening but not as fast as I would like. No contact since more than a year ago. Had some dates, talked to some women for a few weeks or months each, but nothing solid has formed.

Today, I had no one to vent to. I've been seeing this girl for a couple of months but I didn't know if she would be willing to put up with my grumpy butt tonight. I decided to try talking to her about my bad day and she just vanished on our conversation. We exchanged our social and gaming network info early on - her idea! - so for the past few hours I've seen her blogging and playing games and ignoring my messages.

That's fine, I guess. I can't force people to try and cheer me up. It just sucks to have been with someone who was always there for me, and now I don't have anyone like that at all. It makes me feel ignored and invisible and like I don't matter. It's not the end of the world, I'll feel better, some distraction or other will help me get over it all by myself. I just hate how often I need to dig myself out of a bad or lonely mood lately. It seems like I should be getting stronger and more self-reliant but instead I just feel more isolated and inconsequential every time I find myself in a situation where I want someone to talk to but can't find anybody.

[Fox Mulder]

I've known it for a while, but today just really reinforced it for me. I had a long, stressful day. One of the worst in months. When I was with my BPDx, she would listen to my ranting and venting and play with my hair and offer to cook for me and we'd make love and I'd feel better.

I'm now more than a year and a half out. Detachment has been happening but not as fast as I would like. No contact since more than a year ago. Had some dates, talked to some women for a few weeks or months each, but nothing solid has formed.

Today, I had no one to vent to. I've been seeing this girl for a couple of months but I didn't know if she would be willing to put up with my grumpy butt tonight. I decided to try talking to her about my bad day and she just vanished on our conversation. We exchanged our social and gaming network info early on - her idea! - so for the past few hours I've seen her blogging and playing games and ignoring my messages.

That's fine, I guess. I can't force people to try and cheer me up. It just sucks to have been with someone who was always there for me, and now I don't have anyone like that at all. It makes me feel ignored and invisible and like I don't matter. It's not the end of the world, I'll feel better, some distraction or other will help me get over it all by myself. I just hate how often I need to dig myself out of a bad or lonely mood lately. It seems like I should be getting stronger and more self-reliant but instead I just feel more isolated and inconsequential every time I find myself in a situation where I want someone to talk to but can't find anybody.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Fox Mulder, Don't beat yourself up!  We all need a shoulder to cry on from time to time.  Doesn't necessarily mean that you are "pretty codependent."  Perhaps the problem is that you are seeking solace from an SO, though you don't seem to have an SO at the moment.  What about friends or family with whom you can chat when you feel the need to vent?  Sometimes it's better to talk with someone who is not in the SO role, in my view.  Another option might be to look into seeing a T.  I do, just to keep me on track.  I also get the sense that you are putting unnecessary pressure on yourself in terms of detachment not happening "as fast as you would like."  Suggest you relax and let go of the outcome, which in my view will expedite your recovery (I know this may sound counter-intuitive).  It's a Zen thing!

LuckyJim

[joeramabeme]

Fox Mulder

I can relate to what you are saying about wanting, what I call, a life-partner.  Someone who gives a hoot that wants to hear about your day and provide you with a sense of belonging and place in this world.

Toward the end of my marriage I was talking with my therapist about this very thing, I received a surprising response from him.  His words were; you wouldn't be the first guy to feel a little neurotic without a woman in his life.  I was so happy to hear that.  Not codependent, normal, just like others.  Codependent would be allowing yourself to be compromised so you could be with someone that would listen but also add some other component that was not suitable for your well being.

Like you, I received a lot of strokes from my ex BPDw, it meant so much to me to have someone listen to and seemingly care about my life, my woes etc.  But the fact was, it came with a steep price tag that cost me as much or more than the payoff I received.

Here is something to think about.  There are healthy people that are just naturally geared to being caring individuals; they want to know about you and others and take interest in all parts of peoples lives.  If your gaming friend is more interested in gaming than you, perhaps it is time to move on.  You can make this desire of yours part of your dating profile and criteria; looking for a caring woman that can share my daily life with me.  Lots of people can relate to that need.  Nothing at all wrong with it either.

Wish you the best.