When full No Contact is not an option

[Rayban]

There are situations where complete no contact is not possible. In my case I work with my exBPDgf, and I have to see her everyday. While I'm not obliged to speak with her, we sometimes have to work on the same project. I was devalued and painted black, (hopefully forever) after her most recent recycle attempt.

We aren't currently working on the same project so I'm just doing my best to ignore her. I Haven't spoken to her since last Friday. Now she's trying to get a reaction out of me. When we were together, I would often tell her that I hated when she spoke to a male coworker. I thought their interactions went above what normal professional work relationships should be. I've known him for many years. He is married, and I don't think he would cheat on his wife with her (although everything is possible) I think he just enjoyed the attention of a younger woman. He would stand very close to her, sometimes touch her arm, and of course she allowed it. I would see this which would drove me nuts.

Of course she said I was over reacting, and maybe I was but it still made me jealous. Today I had the door to my office open and has he passed by her office, she said, don't worry I'm not checking you out. She knew my door was open, and I'm convinced she did this on purpose so that I would hear. Ultimately I know it shouldn't matter and she's not my problem anymore, but there are still somethings that bother m;

1. Why can't she just let me be.

2. What has she told other people, that she so desperately wants to get a rise out of me?

3. I considered this guy a friend, and he knew we were together, why does he go along with it?

Do I just keep going no contact, and not respond (grey rock) and hope this will go away when she will get bored?

Thanks

[confusedbloke]

You have got serious work to do my friend.  Luckily my exBPD has not come back into the local pub as people are on my side (amazingly)... .but you have to see yours everyday.  That's bad.  It must be killing you... .

Anyway I was with my ex wife for 13 years (not BPD) and was devastated when it ended... .I want on non crazy forums (ha) about how to deal with the situation and I came across the 180 plan... .Ill start a new thread - see what you think

[Mutt]

Hi RayBan,

I would find it difficult too to work in the same office space with an expwBPD.  I think that at the onset, it's a hard recovery stretch because often we don't get closure, our feelings are invalidated and we're shown much sympathy or empathy when our ex partners quickly attach themselves to another person and idealize. It's tough but it does get better.

To answer your question about why she won't just let you be, BPD is an attachment disorder and our ex partners don't completely detach. I think that you have the right idea with not responding, depersonalize the behaviors and become indifferent to the behaviors. Hang in there.

[Dhand77]

RayBan,

I know the feeling pal. It reminds me of exactly what you told me yesterday in the Sixth Sense thread. Keep up the NC and don't react, she wants you to react. I knew it yesterday, my ex finally broke the unspoken agreement to get a reaction out of me, just like every single thing she has done after we split, just to get a reaction and keep the attachment going in some form or fashion, wether negative or positive. At my job, I've been talking to girls she don't like. In fact, for 4 years she would repeatedly tell me that one girl she didn't like was her cousin. When we were apart, and I finally was able to talk to her with no repercussions, I found out they weren't even related! Talk about weird!

BPDs are immature and they are gonna act immature. Don't react. Be indifferent even if it sucks. Keep up the NC as much as you can. This crap will only make you stronger.

[Anez]

RayBan,

I work with mine and agree with what Dhand said - keep no contact going and don't let any of her actions push you into breaking NC. I know it's hard - mine is doing similar things with a coworker and it sucks and hurts still after all these months. But just let your frustrations out in the car on the way home, or talk to a friend, or post here.

As for when you're working on a same project with her just be business cordial and nothing more.

Ahhhhhh, working with our exBPD. Was so fun during the infatuation stage, so miserable after the discard.

[Mutt]

But just let your frustrations out in the car on the way home, or talk to a friend, or post here.

Hi RayBan,

I would like to add working out in a gym is a good outlet for stress.

[Rayban]

Thanks for the replies . It's extra motivation to keep no contact, even though its hard as heck.

Mutt It's funny you mention that, I've been mulling over joining a gym, and I'm going to to do that this weekend. I've also realized that I have to eat better and take better care of myself in general. I'm not blaming that on my ex, but if that's what it took to improve myself, well at least it's one advantage to come out of this miserable experience.

[Mutt]

Thanks for the replies . It's extra motivation to keep no contact, even though its hard as heck.

Mutt It's funny you mention that, I've been mulling over joining a gym, and I'm going to to do that this weekend. I've also realized that I have to eat better and take better care of myself in general. I'm not blaming that on my ex, but if that's what it took to improve myself, well at least it's one advantage to come out of this miserable experience.

Hi RayBan,

My advice is go for it and join a gym, everything else will fall into place with eating healthier and taking better care of yourself. You'll feel and sleep better.

[Dhand77]

I also highly suggest some new clothes, and change your hairstyle. The break up pretty much destroyed the guy I used to be and completely changed my mindset, so I changed my apperance to reflect that. Then the compliments started rolling in. Then the confidence grew. Once the confidence grew. The detachment started getting easier. Once that got easier, meeting new females became a no brainer. It's what helped me recover A LOT. Apparently, my BPDex expected me to curl into a ball, cry and pine over her for the rest of my life. Yeah, that's not happening. This is a great point in all of our lives for us to springboard into something new, take advantage of that RayBan!

[married21years]

get another job!

i got another country to get away!