My Introduction

[thrownforaloop]

Hey Everyone,

New here. I had been married for two years (together for five) with a woman with BPD. It was unknown to me that she had it for the majority of our relationship--I thought she was different because she's very high functioning autistic. Anyway, she was fun in the beginning, but then started to yell at me or put me down frequently. I just made do and occasionally I would argue back, but I didn't fully understand how little responsibility she can take for her own actions.

She was a home body for most of our relationship, but then a few months ago, she started working. This led to her going out with coworkers and before long, she was going out a couple nights a week with guys she met from work or out in bars, etc. As I continued to express how uncomfortable I felt with her situation, she seemed to stay out even longer--3am or so. Eventually, after several weeks of torture to me, I eventually discovered that she had secretly been calling/texting one particular guy every single day.

I walked out on her. She threatened suicide three times and I still refused to go back to her. I called an ambulance three times that night. Anyway, as time has gone on, I've discovered from her friends that she had been making out with the other guy at bars and even mentioned being pregnant with his kid (before we had separated). My wife recently actually admitted to having been in love with the guy too. What I think hurts the most, is that she told me (only for the sake of hurting me) that she had secretly been going on dates with the guy for a while--something that she kept putting off with me. To quote her, "You know how you said I've been living like I'm single lately? Well, I haven't been. I've been going on dates. So no, I haven't been acting single."

Anyway, it's been a rough few months. I would love to do NC, but we share custody of her child. The boy was just three when I met him (seven now), and his bio dad wasn't in the picture, so I stepped up. Now, since I have even less rights than a normal father, I'm sure I'll have some challenges ahead. Honestly, if it weren't for him, I'd get the hell out of this state... .but I'll stick around as long as I can still get some time with him.

[joeramabeme]

Hi thrownforaloop

Welcome to BPD Family!

Sounds like this is a very difficult and painful experience, sorry to hear about what is going on.  Are the two of you able to be civil with one another?  Has she been threatening cutting you off from the child or is there a possibility that having shared parenting responsibilities is giving you some hope for a future with her?

[thrownforaloop]

Hi thrownforaloop

Welcome to BPD Family!

Sounds like this is a very difficult and painful experience, sorry to hear about what is going on.  Are the two of you able to be civil with one another?  Has she been threatening cutting you off from the child or is there a possibility that having shared parenting responsibilities is giving you some hope for a future with her?

Hey Joeramabeme,

Thanks for responding. We have been fairly civil with each other. For a few weeks, I was trying to contact her as little as possible. She was going back and forth between threatening to cut me off from him and telling me that I haven't been seeing him enough. I've been picking him up about three times a week though.

She hasn't really had our son much--she has been having him stay with her mother. So, it's strange that she was just texting me that I still need to go back to parenting and can't forget about him (I think she's projecting).

Another note, yesterday when I went to pick him up from my exwife, she told me she missed me. She hugged me and was being sentimental, which was a hard trap not to fall into. She mentioned that she never slept with other guys, that she never really dated and that she only said that to hurt me etc. etc. All obvious lies, trying to get my sympathy for her, but it was very hard not to try to believe them. Sigh.

[Mutt]

Hi thrownforaloop,



I would to join Joeamabeme and welcome you to the family. I would find it though to hear my wife tell me that she hasn't been acting single because she's been dating. Ouch. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I'm glad that you decided to join us. Many members here can relate with you and off you support and advice.

Your SS3 ( step son 3 ) stays with her mom often and was with you three nights out of the week? Is she still staying out until 3AM? It doesn't sound like she's spending a lot of time with SS3. Poor kid. Have you tried marriage counselling? Do you have a T ( therapist )?

[thrownforaloop]

Hi thrownforaloop,



I would to join Joeamabeme and welcome you to the family. I would find it though to hear my wife tell me that she hasn't been acting single because she's been dating. Ouch. I'm sorry to hear that you're going through this. I'm glad that you decided to join us. Many members here can relate with you and off you support and advice.

Your SS3 ( step son 3 ) stays with her mom often and was with you three nights out of the week? Is she still staying out until 3AM? It doesn't sound like she's spending a lot of time with SS3. Poor kid. Have you tried marriage counselling? Do you have a T ( therapist )?

Thank you for the welcome! It feels great to have a place to visit during the day as my sadness takes over, haha.

Thanks for the lingo! And no, since I left the house a month ago, my ex has not been spending much time with SS7 (sorry, I meant he was 3 when I met him). My ex has has actually been acting like it's my fault that she hasn't been seeing him much--blames me for leaving. I'm not sure how that effects her ability to keep him with her at the house though.

As far as I know, she's probably still going out. I try not to keep tabs on her, it would probably make me feel sick to know. Yesterday, she mentioned she got her nipples pierced... .(don't know why she told me), but I assume that means she's still doing the party thing.  I know she doesn't like to be alone, so she's probably attaching herself to the other man. Yesterday, when I went to pick up SS7, I noticed a book on Arabic in the house, which is the language the man she cheated with speaks. So, it appears that she is still involved with the guy. She's said that instead of staying at home, she's been staying at her girlfriend's house. Though... .realistically... .it's probably with the guy.

I tried to schedule a marriage counselor a month and a half ago when we were in the middle of all of our problems. But, by the time the schedule opened up, I had already found out she was cheating for a while and I broke it off. However, I went by myself to the counselor last week and I really enjoyed it.

[Mutt]

You'll find that it helps to see a T and talk to a support group concurrently   I would advise to listen to your intuition if you suspect that your spouse is cheating. I can relate. My ex wife was going out and not returning home until late and sometimes she didn't come back home until the next morning and said that she had stayed at her sisters. She would also accuse and blame me that she couldn't stay at home because of the way that I was treating her and which was distortions of her mind. We were together for 7 years and married for 4 and she was cheating with another man that she met through a family friend.

How is SS7 doing? Did you move out of the family home? I will give you a link to the legal board. We have many boards at bpdfamily which should cover all of your needs. Members on the legal board can get prepped for a divorce with a person that suffers from a personality disorder and you'll know what to expect.

Family law, divorce, and custody

[thrownforaloop]

Thanks, I'll see if I can find a local support group. As far as her cheating, my stomach hurt for the last two months of our marriage--I knew something was wrong. She's admitted to kissing the guy, but still denies having slept with him. Though, she did tell a family friend that she was pregnant with his kid. Who knows.

I'm sorry to hear you went through that. Did you end up finding out and breaking things off? Did you stay NC afterwards?

My SS7 is okay, though a little moody lately. He's mostly upset that he's been living with his grandma--she's really not much fun.  I moved out of the house as soon as I confronted my ex about her lies. I've been staying with my cousin, so it hasn't been the best place to have my SS7 stay for overnights. I'm still not sure where I will move to, but honestly, I'm trying to take it slow because I may not be ready to be in a place by myself, emotionally-wise.

Thank you for the other link!

[Mutt]

I think that we're similar in a way with  values. I couldn't make sense of what was going on because it was incredibly intense with her devaluations and she wanted me to move out. We went through a series of separations over the years and this time she said that she told all of her friends and family that she was leaving me. I confronted her and asked her if it was about another man and she laughed it off. I was in denial and I trusted her too much, she moved out with the kids and three weeks after she moved out she came out with her boyfriend, everything made sense with her behaviours over the last year of our marriage. That being said, that was deal breaker for me, I didn't want to take her back after cheating and her treatment of me in front of our kids. I didn't want to teach the kids that mom can walk on dad and dad will take her back.

Tha is god to hear that you're taking things slowly and not rushing. It sounds like SS7 is stressed, that is good that he's spending time with family and sad to hear that he's not getting a lot of attention with mom. I hope that you get to spend quality time with him.

[thrownforaloop]

I'm really sorry to hear that. That was really messed up of her to do. I suppose that's what makes them BPD--they always have a backup plan ready to go. The more I think back to when my ex started cheating... .I wonder if I may have triggered it. For instance, one of the first few times she started going out clubbing, I told her I was very upset and by the time she got home at 3am, I told her I wanted a divorce (though I said it out of immaturity and hurt, not seriousness). I wonder if this triggered her into thinking I was unstable and to start making a backup plan. Who knows.

Just heard from someone who follows her on social media that she has been posting pictures of her and the other man on her account. Ugh. Trying to move on and not be hurt by it. I try to remind myself that she has a mental illness and that I shouldn't take it personally. She cheated on all her old boyfriends, and on me and will continue to cheat on everyone in the future, unless she seeks help.

[joeramabeme]

I told her I wanted a divorce (though I said it out of immaturity and hurt, not seriousness). I wonder if this triggered her into thinking I was unstable and to start making a backup plan.

Hmm, I had a similar experience where I began to ignore the rages based on her contrived fantasy stories and she figured that I was abandoning her and that is when she began to check out and make alternate plans. 

So, in some ways you may have triggered her, yet, their finger is always on the trigger due to fear of abandonment.  It is a deep dilemma; prove that you are willing to normalize insanity as the pathway of proving your love or claim your feelings of anger and confusion and then risk ending it all for standing up for your own rights.

This is difficult stuff.  On the one hand we have become freed from the insanity and on the other we are left alone with an attraction that defies logic and sense.  I think this is where the work has to take place for us non's; why do we feel this unending attraction to someone who we know is emotionally unstable and also be willing to forgo our own needs in the process.  This is probably too deep a question for where you are at now, but in time, you will come to ask this question.

Hang in and keep posting.  Clarity will come but it does take time and a lot of support like what we find here on BPD Family.

JRB

[thrownforaloop]

Thanks for the response, JRB.

The question you posed about being attracted to someone emotionally unstable is a good one. I'm glad to be out now though, as confusing as everything was.