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Author Topic: She admitted she wants me back  (Read 9218 times)
Icanteven
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« Reply #30 on: May 23, 2016, 01:09:38 PM »

This is what I think: I loved my ex very much but she is mentally ill. It will be years and years before she is capable of a healthy, intimate r/s (if ever). If she said something like this to me, I wouldn't see it as manipulative, I would see it as true in the moment. She might feel it and believe it as she's saying it, but there's no guarantee that her feelings about us wouldn't change to something completely different a week later.  So I wouldn't trust it.

I'm only a few months out, but this is exactly where my head is at the moment (though with my undulating stages of grief, wait a few hours and I'll be in a different place.  SO MUCH FUN!).

After she left wifey dropped tons of hints that she was ambivalent about her decision, but dropped even more hints that we are really, truly, honestly, over and done with.  She could call in three months saying she had made a huge mistake, but it would take a sea change in behavior for our relationship to work.  Then again:

This whole situation feels... .troubling, to be honest. I'd think very carefully about how deep you want to go with her. pwBPD require YEARS of therapy to be in a successful r/s.   The one thing I learned (the hard way) in my r/s: words are easy. Anyone can say anything. When words and actions align, then the person is probably someone trustworthy. When words and actions don't align, watch out.  Her words and her actions don't align. She misses you, she would appreciate you if she had another chance, this new guy treats her poorly... .but yet they're still sharing a bed and a life together.

I can't tell you how close to home this quote hits.  My wife would tell me fifty times a day that she loved me: by text, by email, calling me at work several times a day, telling me at every commercial break (literally), telling me any time she'd leave a room, telling me ALL. THE.  TIME.  Our last fight, I asked her to tell me the last thing she had done to show me she loved me.  She blanked.  I blanked.  I could recite a list as long as my arm of things I had done as demonstrations of my love and devotion to her, as could she, but she came up empty when it came to what she was doing to show me she loved me.  No problem telling me she loved me.  No actionable intelligence to suggest it was true.

If I had a dollar for every time my wife told me she loved me in 2016 I could go on a pretty nice vacation.  If I had $100 for every time my wife showed me she loved me in 2016 I would have zero dollars.  These are not the sour grapes of a jilted husband; this is a situation where quite literally I asked my wife point blank and she was speechless.  Show me.

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ForeverDad
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« Reply #31 on: May 23, 2016, 01:17:47 PM »

A typical but distorted perspective of pwBPD is that ended and ending relationships are perceived as abusive ones.  Seems like despite her moving on quickly to another relationship, in her mind she had you simmering on the back burner so that when that one was failing she could invite you back again.

However, nothing really has changed.  Any proclaimed insights won't last unless she has been in intensive therapy and been diligently applying it in her life and perceptions.

The one thing I learned (the hard way) in my r/s: words are easy. Anyone can say anything. When words and actions align, then the person is probably someone trustworthy. When words and actions don't align, watch out.

Promises are so easy to make, only actions over time and be trusted.

Without successful therapy over years on her part — and solid boundaries on your part — then if you allow her back into your life, you will be recycled and eventually spit out yet again.

I wish it weren't so but that's the reality.
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #32 on: May 26, 2016, 03:51:04 PM »

After 1 week of contact I went no contact again. We were chatting every day, she was mostly talking about stuff from the old days, memories, she probably knew that had an impact on me. To me, the conversations felt flirty. However, not even once did the concersation go the way of her talking about being unhappy in her relationship or leaving the guy, like she said when she initiated contact. I never brought it up, as I wanted to see if she would talk about it on her own.

I politely told her today that I didnt felt comfortable with this situation, us talking while she was with someone else. That I hoped she would understand and that who knows, perhaps in a different living situation someday we might have contact again.

She responded very short and emotionless. That she can decide for herself who she talks to. Of course, I wasnt talking about what she could and couldnt do, I was talking about my own boundaries. She gave me a virtual thumbs up and that was that.

I guess she doesnt like it one bit, as ive seen her reply so emotionless when things dont go her way, but that is not my problem. I have to have boundaries. I started to develop some feelings again already. Its bad enough to have that with a BPD ex, but even worse to have for someone that still is in a relationship.

I am convinced Ive made the right choice, but of course the sack of stones in my stomach try to convince me otherwise. Something tells me I havent heard the last from her, but at least Ive made clear my boundaries and shot down any chance for a triangulation. Im worth more than that!
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steelwork
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« Reply #33 on: May 26, 2016, 04:28:01 PM »

Not only does it sound like you made the right choice, but you took your leave with graciousness and sensitivity. There ought to be more like you.
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #34 on: May 26, 2016, 04:37:53 PM »

Not only does it sound like you made the right choice, but you took your leave with graciousness and sensitivity. There ought to be more like you.

Thank you so much for the compliment! But I have to note that I was not always like this, Ive made years and years of mistakes with her because of my weak boundaries and thoughts of not wanting to be alone. Its incredible how five years in a toxic, on and off relationship can destroy you. But in the past 1,5 year without her Ive rebuilt myself and stronger than ever. So thats at least one gift to take out of these relationships, even though we have to go (and sometimes still have to go) through hell to get there.

Im not a religious man but Ik praying tonight to stay strong, to keep holding on to my choice and for her to respect my choice. I seriously don't know if I can resist if she brings out bigger guns to tempt me. Oh well, one day a time.
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Rayban
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« Reply #35 on: May 26, 2016, 08:15:05 PM »

Not only does it sound like you made the right choice, but you took your leave with graciousness and sensitivity. There ought to be more like you.

Thank you so much for the compliment! But I have to note that I was not always like this, Ive made years and years of mistakes with her because of my weak boundaries and thoughts of not wanting to be alone. Its incredible how five years in a toxic, on and off relationship can destroy you. But in the past 1,5 year without her Ive rebuilt myself and stronger than ever. So thats at least one gift to take out of these relationships, even though we have to go (and sometimes still have to go) through hell to get there.

Im not a religious man but Ik praying tonight to stay strong, to keep holding on to my choice and for her to respect my choice. I seriously don't know if I can resist if she brings out bigger guns to tempt me. Oh well, one day a time.

CloseToFreedom, hang in there man. I wish I had half the strength and insight that you've shown when I was dealing with pretty much the same situation as you're dealing with now. It seems like she loves the attention, even craves it from any man, especially one that she's been intimate with, and is keeping his distance. I think it's the chase they enjoy most. Getting you to come back, when she knows you've worked so hard to keep your distance.

Speaking from experience, I gave in ... .multiple times and the result was always the same. Got me back, had great sex, and then would try to weaken my boundaries even more by saying stuff like this.

Excerpt
She responded very short and emotionless. That she can decide for herself who she talks to. Of course, I wasn't talking about what she could and couldn't do, I was talking about my own boundaries. She gave me a virtual thumbs up and that was that.

She tried to get me to give into her completely, by saying that No one tells her what to do, and demanded that I accept her as she is. This was followed by her ''punishing me'' by doing the very things I told her I didn't like (flirting with other guys, lying, being bossy) I can't prove it, cause we never lived together (Thank God) and I wasn't with her 24 hours a day, but I know she cheated on me multiple times.

Typical pattern would end with her devaluing me when I refused to accept her behavior. She would discard me to be with someone else, and ultimately draw me back in when she sensed I was detaching.

Stay strong, you deserve better.
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C.Stein
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« Reply #36 on: May 27, 2016, 08:02:08 AM »

I am convinced Ive made the right choice, but of course the sack of stones in my stomach try to convince me otherwise. Something tells me I havent heard the last from her, but at least Ive made clear my boundaries and shot down any chance for a triangulation. Im worth more than that!

Very mature and self-aware response to the situation CtF.   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I know how hard it must have been to set that boundary but it was one that needed to be set.   Her response should show you that nothing has changed with her.  It is all about her and has nothing to do with you.  The strength and maturity of your decision and how you enforced your boundary is commendable.  You have taken a huge personal step forward here.  Stay strong and believe in yourself.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

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ForeverDad
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« Reply #37 on: May 27, 2016, 09:40:04 AM »

I politely told her today that I didn't feel comfortable with this situation, us talking while she was with someone else... .  She responded very short and emotionless. That she can decide for herself who she talks to.

So she doesn't have that perspective, that she ought to have respect for her current BF.

Of course, I wasn't talking about what she could and couldn't do, I was talking about my own boundaries.

That's a key insight.  Boundaries are for you.  You've learned you can't make boundaries for others, particularly her.  The only person you can have control over, and rightfully so, is yourself.  And since you don't share children with her then you can also control whatever contact you do (or don't!) have with her.
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JQ
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« Reply #38 on: May 27, 2016, 12:22:51 PM »

Hi CTF,

You've received a tremendous amount of feedback here both positive and some that has been triggered by negative memories. I've read your responses & you seem to be a very strong minded person, but it took a lot of work & time to get there after your break up with your BPD.

BPD is a Very Serious Cluster B Mental Illness that has it's origins in genetically altered brain passed down from a parent. Even with decades of therapy there will NEVER be a cure, but some level of "management" of the behavior.  It means that the behavior will always be there because their brain is defective.  This concept is hard for some to grasp because at the heart of most of those in the forums we want to believe, we NEED to believe they love us as much as we love them. When in reality we NEED to love ourselves.  From what I've read, you've learned to do that, another HUGE step on your path of knowledge!

You have seem to grasp this concept with taking the 1-1/2 to work on yourself. Going to the gym, working the body & mind. You're taking your time getting back into another r/s knowing that you're susceptible to the callings of someone who has BPD. This is a huge step in recognizing your own weakness in regards to this Mental Illness and in your own behavior as a NON.

You recognize you are possibly weak when it comes to your exBPD, I would argue we all were at some point and some still are. I couldn't tell you with 100% if my exBPD reached out to me, called me while she was with replacement number 2,583 if I wouldn't flirt with her that might lead to something else. I've done it before, but after my own T recognized and pointed out my behavior I actually did what you did and pointed out that I was uncomfortable of having flirty, sexual content conversations while she was still "dating" my replacement.  She tried to justify it to me as she saw things in her own thought process, but I resisted her feeble attempt and held my ground.  Her demeanor changed, & like others and you pointed out, she went distant and said good bye. Only to call me a short time later to tell me that things were over with them. In reality it wasn't.

Like others have pointed out, the replacement is probably at his wits end, mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted like we all were at that point with our own BPD r/s. He's NOT validating her as he did in the beginning and she's chumming the waters to see if you going to bite.  And if she gets a positive indications that you're available she's going to put you on the back burner as others have said until it's time to recycle you once again.

C.Stein, Makersmarkman, Steelwork among others have giving you some good insight, have giving credit to your thought process of how this is going to play out once again if YOU allow it too. You have remained strong, the temptation is certainly there, but have you retrained yourself to be strong enough to gut it out and continue down this very successful path you've chosen? 

Remember at the core is her Cluster B Mental Illness, it's never, NEVER going to get better ... .EVER.  

J
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #39 on: May 27, 2016, 12:25:33 PM »

Thank you all for the support, it really helps  

Yes it was hard to set that boundary although I anticipated more resistance, it was hard for me just like its hard for a recovering junkie to say no to the drugs laying in front of him. Knowing it is bad for you and can send you through a downwards spiral again.

Sometime in my life there MIGHT be an opening for a healthy return to each other but ONLY if I have proof she has done the work for a long time, she's single, im single and things are actually looking like changes within her personality have occured. Im more than aware that this might never happen and Im trying to make peace with that like I have been the past 1,5 years, going on wih my own life.
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #40 on: May 27, 2016, 12:30:02 PM »

Hi CTF,

You've received a tremendous amount of feedback here both positive and some that has been triggered by negative memories. I've read your responses & you seem to be a very strong minded person, but it took a lot of work & time to get there after your break up with your BPD.

BPD is a Very Serious Cluster B Mental Illness that has it's origins in genetically altered brain passed down from a parent. Even with decades of therapy there will NEVER be a cure, but some level of "management" of the behavior.  It means that the behavior will always be there because their brain is defective.  This concept is hard for some to grasp because at the heart of most of those in the forums we want to believe, we NEED to believe they love us as much as we love them. When in reality we NEED to love ourselves.  From what I've read, you've learned to do that, another HUGE step on your path of knowledge!

You have seem to grasp this concept with taking the 1-1/2 to work on yourself. Going to the gym, working the body & mind. You're taking your time getting back into another r/s knowing that you're susceptible to the callings of someone who has BPD. This is a huge step in recognizing your own weakness in regards to this Mental Illness and in your own behavior as a NON.

You recognize you are possibly weak when it comes to your exBPD, I would argue we all were at some point and some still are. I couldn't tell you with 100% if my exBPD reached out to me, called me while she was with replacement number 2,583 if I wouldn't flirt with her that might lead to something else. I've done it before, but after my own T recognized and pointed out my behavior I actually did what you did and pointed out that I was uncomfortable of having flirty, sexual content conversations while she was still "dating" my replacement.  She tried to justify it to me as she saw things in her own thought process, but I resisted her feeble attempt and held my ground.  Her demeanor changed, & like others and you pointed out, she went distant and said good bye. Only to call me a short time later to tell me that things were over with them. In reality it wasn't.

Like others have pointed out, the replacement is probably at his wits end, mentally, physically, emotionally exhausted like we all were at that point with our own BPD r/s. He's NOT validating her as he did in the beginning and she's chumming the waters to see if you going to bite.  And if she gets a positive indications that you're available she's going to put you on the back burner as others have said until it's time to recycle you once again.

C.Stein, Makersmarkman, Steelwork among others have giving you some good insight, have giving credit to your thought process of how this is going to play out once again if YOU allow it too. You have remained strong, the temptation is certainly there, but have you retrained yourself to be strong enough to gut it out and continue down this very successful path you've chosen? 

Remember at the core is her Cluster B Mental Illness, it's never, NEVER going to get better ... .EVER.

J

Thank you for your well thought out post. I am fully aware the illnes within her never truly goes away, and like I said the only chance of a future recycle hangs on the fact if she has the tools to cope with it on her own, to have the tools that wont make it effect the relationship and me so much. And that it never cures completely is ok - as triggering as it is you have to remind yourself that this unique personality is what attracted you in the first place. Its just that it isnt sustainable long term without her having obtained proper tools. Im not trying to justify her behaviour, Im stating the facts as I see them.

For now, ive absolutely made the right choice. Onwards it is!
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C.Stein
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« Reply #41 on: May 27, 2016, 12:37:44 PM »

For now, ive absolutely made the right choice. Onwards it is!

Good Good Good.  Do not put your life on hold hoping/waiting for something that will probably never happen.  Life is too short. 
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #42 on: May 28, 2016, 10:17:15 AM »

For now, ive absolutely made the right choice. Onwards it is!

Good Good Good.  Do not put your life on hold hoping/waiting for something that will probably never happen.  Life is too short. 

I wont and I dont! You are absolutely right. Whatever happens, whatever she chooses to do, im going on with my life. If she ever contacts again we'll see then.

One thing, while talking she mentioned she got help, therapy. She was never diagnosed as BPD, its just my suspision and i never called her that (although she would call me a BPD often Laugh out loud (click to insert in post), as she studied stuff in that field... .). Anyway apprently she figured out she is highly sensitive.

It could be possible she's that and not BPD of course and I cant know for sure, much less you people, but I highly doubt thats the right diagnosis.
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bAlex
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« Reply #43 on: May 29, 2016, 08:52:55 AM »

She'll be back, you can count on it.

Just remember one thing, treating women like princesses is all good in theory but in reality it works better in smaller doses. I made this mistake and it was very much the biggest reason she lost interest and started acting out.

I've seen this situation with my ex as well, her current relationship is over, you can count on that. She's probably planning her exit already.

You seem to be in a pretty solid place right now. Seems like she needs you more than you need her. I'd take her back and get rid of her if she displeases me. Just my opinion.
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #44 on: May 29, 2016, 09:29:05 AM »

She'll be back, you can count on it.

Just remember one thing, treating women like princesses is all good in theory but in reality it works better in smaller doses. I made this mistake and it was very much the biggest reason she lost interest and started acting out.

I've seen this situation with my ex as well, her current relationship is over, you can count on that. She's probably planning her exit already.

You seem to be in a pretty solid place right now. Seems like she needs you more than you need her. I'd take her back and get rid of her if she displeases me. Just my opinion.

Fine and dandy but it doesn't matter in how much of a good place you are, these people have a way to get to you and destroy what's inside you. Yes I feel strong right now, but if I'd get back with her I'd be afraid of losing all the progress slowly but surely.

Anyway, haven't heard from her since I told her this wasn't going to fly while she was in a relationship last wednesday. So at least she respects that boundary. For now. I don't know if she's really planning to end the relationship even if she more or less said so, it could also be she was just testing the water to see how I'd react. Or me saying I dont want contact while she's in a relationship perhaps has accelerated the process. Who knows. No point in pondering about it.
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C.Stein
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« Reply #45 on: May 29, 2016, 09:33:10 AM »

Monkey Bars.
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #46 on: May 29, 2016, 09:36:54 AM »

Monkey Bars.

I had to look that up hahaha. But probably yes
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #47 on: May 31, 2016, 04:19:05 AM »

Well that didn't take long.

Received a text this morning "I miss talking to you"

sight... .would blocking be the way to go then? I feel bad about doing that, kinda.
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bAlex
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« Reply #48 on: May 31, 2016, 04:32:32 AM »

Do you want her back?
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« Reply #49 on: May 31, 2016, 04:36:40 AM »

sight... .would blocking be the way to go then? I feel bad about doing that, kinda.

it really depends on what you want to do, and how it effects you emotionally when she reaches out. blocking her could cause her to escalate. frankly, so could replying or ignoring. so i think your wants and needs are paramount here. you have options.

if her reaching out upsets you, tempts you, otherwise keeps you stuck, blocking her can be a tool for your own emotional protection. is there an option to block the receipt of her texts without her knowing?

not replying is another option. you stated your boundary. you were quite clear. "i miss talking to you" can frankly be interpreted as a demand, one for which no reply is necessary. should you go the route of ignoring/not replying, there may be a followup(s), or not. it could consist of pleading, or attacking, or both, and likely burn out relatively quickly if you continue to not respond. how might this effect you emotionally?

replying reneges on your boundary, and communicates that it might as well not exist. it might be tempting to reply with something like "i miss talking to you too, but i already stated my boundary". thats redundant and opens the line for debate. i think if you were inclined to reply (it doesnt sound like you are), id wait until she says or does something more substantive to reply to.

edit: even that is a risky strategy and communicates all she has to do is keep at it or find the right thing to say, and youll reply.

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     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
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« Reply #50 on: May 31, 2016, 06:58:38 AM »

Well that didn't take long.

Received a text this morning "I miss talking to you"

sight... .would blocking be the way to go then? I feel bad about doing that, kinda.

She's reaching for that next bar on the monkey bars CTF, or in this case she's reaching for the bar behind her.  There is nothing good about this scenario.

I understand your hesitancy to block.  As many of us know, when the ex goes silent after we have been thrown away it hurts bad ... .really bad.  As much as NC may be a tool to use for our healing it is also a weapon, unintentional or not.  It hurts to be shut out like you don't exist regardless of the reasons.

Whatever you do here it needs to be done with your eyes wide open and if you choose to respond your words chosen very carefully.
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« Reply #51 on: May 31, 2016, 07:54:32 AM »

I've tried to engage with my eyes open. I saw nothing good coming out of either replying or not replying/blocking, so I just chose what I felt like I should do, I replied. I told her that I already explained my boundary/thoughts on the situation. What the future holds for us I can't predict (as I'm REALLY not sure what I want, bAlex... .really, I don't know if I'd even want her back), and that I don't feel comfortable with the situation of us talking about this stuff until she is single. I didn't tell her these things just now, as I told them the last time, no use in repeating myself. I followed it up with that perhaps its best for her to really think about how she feels about her own situation, as well as what she is hoping to get from me / what she thinks of me. To really think hard about that, instead of constantly trying to get into contact. Maybe its my sane mind thinking its just logical to think things through before you make any life changing choices.

In reply she basically told me she already thought things through for a good while and she knows what she thinks of her current situation and of me. Which is basically her reinforcing what she said last time, she is unhappy with her current partner and misses me (of course, how BPD really experience this is beyond anyone's guess). That she has even talked to her mother about it already. So that last thing tells me something, because my god did her mother hate the fact that we were both so unhappy in the relationship and I bet even hearing my name made her stressed out. She wanted nothing more than us just leaving each other alone. Which I can understand. So that she talks about it with her mother (if its true) at least tells me she is serious about it, because it must be a pain in the ass to talk about the situation. Anyway, she says she already thought long and hard about it, but that these things take some time. Time as in, to set things up to get her own place or whatever, not so much emotionally.

I can understand that, but at the same time, we were living together when we were in a relationship and she had no problem in leaving me in a heartbeat to get back to her parents when things went south. So why would it take time with this one? Well, perhaps she isn't welcome anymore at her parents house, that is an option. Anyway, thats not my problem.

So yeah, that's it. I have no idea what the future holds. I have no idea if she thinks it will be easy to get me back once she's out of her current situation, but I can tell you, it will NOT be easy. I would need a LOT of convincing to get back in that situation, and months and months of experience with the 'new her' (if that even exists) to judge if she has changed for the better. I haven't told that to her, but that's how I stand in all this. On one hand I am satisfied with my current live and the huge progress I've made, on the other hand of course Im a human, I cannot deny the pull of what I once thought was my lifepartner. But I am perfectly capable of deciding, when things would come that far, that this will not be a healthy option for me. In all fairness, that's the bigger chance of happening.

Is leaving a small window half open for your possible BPD ex for her to prove herself in the long run, a healthy option or a recype for disaster? If I stay as strong as I am now and keep her at a distance until she has proven herself enough over time, is it possible that I will be able to make the right choice further down the line? I have no idea as I've never been in this situation. It somehow feels like playing with fire.
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C.Stein
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« Reply #52 on: May 31, 2016, 08:21:59 AM »

Anyway, she says she already thought long and hard about it, but that these things take some time. Time as in, to set things up to get her own place or whatever, not so much emotionally.

IMO this is it here.  If she does this (in bold) and can stand on her own two feet and be single for a period of time then and only then would I believe she might be sincere here.  Otherwise I see this as nothing more than her looking for an easy out of her current "unhappy" relationship.

Is leaving a small window half open for your possible BPD ex for her to prove herself in the long run, a healthy option or a recype for disaster? If I stay as strong as I am now and keep her at a distance until she has proven herself enough over time, is it possible that I will be able to make the right choice further down the line? I have no idea as I've never been in this situation. It somehow feels like playing with fire.

I don't necessarily see it as a recipe for disaster under the conditions above and that you are cracking the window with no other expectation than to be her friend at some point.  I would not under any circumstances put your life on hold for her.  If you are still single when and if she shows sincere and genuine feelings for you (i.e. not looking to use you as an out) and you can build an authentic friendship with her, then and only then would I consider rekindling a romance.
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #53 on: May 31, 2016, 09:11:56 AM »

IMO this is it here.  If she does this (in bold) and can stand on her own two feet and be single for a period of time then and only then would I believe she might be sincere here.  Otherwise I see this as nothing more than her looking for an easy out of her current "unhappy" relationship.

I don't necessarily see it as a recipe for disaster under the conditions above and that you are cracking the window with no other expectation than to be her friend at some point.  I would not under any circumstances put your life on hold for her.  If you are still single when and if she shows sincere and genuine feelings for you (i.e. not looking to use you as an out) and you can build an authentic friendship with her, then and only then would I consider rekindling a romance.

Agreed on both accounts. I want to watch things unfold from a distance to know if she can walk the walk, we all know BPD can talk the talk.

And as far as stopping life for her goes, absolutely not. I remain in a good place in my life. I go to the fitness, work is going great, my social life is fantastic. I am not stopping that and if I somehow happen to bump into someone that peaks my love interest, then good for me.
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C.Stein
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« Reply #54 on: May 31, 2016, 09:18:33 AM »

IMO this is it here.  If she does this (in bold) and can stand on her own two feet and be single for a period of time then and only then would I believe she might be sincere here.  Otherwise I see this as nothing more than her looking for an easy out of her current "unhappy" relationship.

I don't necessarily see it as a recipe for disaster under the conditions above and that you are cracking the window with no other expectation than to be her friend at some point.  I would not under any circumstances put your life on hold for her.  If you are still single when and if she shows sincere and genuine feelings for you (i.e. not looking to use you as an out) and you can build an authentic friendship with her, then and only then would I consider rekindling a romance.

Agreed on both accounts. I want to watch things unfold from a distance to know if she can walk the walk, we all know BPD can talk the talk.

And as far as stopping life for her goes, absolutely not. I remain in a good place in my life. I go to the fitness, work is going great, my social life is fantastic. I am not stopping that and if I somehow happen to bump into someone that peaks my love interest, then good for me.

Good deal man!  Very healthy attitude.  I know how hard it is to totally let go and if I were in your shoes I may also be struggling because my ex was at least a friend ... .although given the way she ended things I should probably not believe that anymore.
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Ahoy
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« Reply #55 on: May 31, 2016, 09:23:56 AM »

IMO this is it here.  If she does this (in bold) and can stand on her own two feet and be single for a period of time then and only then would I believe she might be sincere here.  Otherwise I see this as nothing more than her looking for an easy out of her current "unhappy" relationship.

I don't necessarily see it as a recipe for disaster under the conditions above and that you are cracking the window with no other expectation than to be her friend at some point.  I would not under any circumstances put your life on hold for her.  If you are still single when and if she shows sincere and genuine feelings for you (i.e. not looking to use you as an out) and you can build an authentic friendship with her, then and only then would I consider rekindling a romance.

Agreed on both accounts. I want to watch things unfold from a distance to know if she can walk the walk, we all know BPD can talk the talk.

And as far as stopping life for her goes, absolutely not. I remain in a good place in my life. I go to the fitness, work is going great, my social life is fantastic. I am not stopping that and if I somehow happen to bump into someone that peaks my love interest, then good for me.

You sir, have healthy boundaries. And I am jealous of this. A wise decision mate!
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #56 on: May 31, 2016, 09:31:20 AM »

Good deal man!  Very healthy attitude.  I know how hard it is to totally let go and if I were in your shoes I may also be struggling because my ex was at least a friend ... .although given the way she ended things I should probably not believe that anymore.

Yeah that's the thing, things didn't end with her and me because of cheating, because of some huge financial scam or other stuff you often read on here. Things ended because we had arguments and more arguments, and they were wearing me down. At the end of the five year relationship I was a shell of my former self, with no clear identity or own life anymore. I NEVER EVER want to get back to that. At the same time, I cannot deny the feeling of having found a 'soulmate' that people so often talk about here, one of the first clues after the break up that clued me on that she might be BPD.

I just don't want to be one of those persons that come on here or other forums that think 'oh well, THIS time she has changed' or 'oh, THIS time I know how to keep my boundaries'. I KNOW the damage they can do and the way they can penetrate your shield. I don't want to presume I know how to handle it this time. That's the thing that is keeping me at a distance and she will have to do LOTS of work to get closer to me so that I can slowly let my guard down. And chances are she won't even want to do that, and if that is the case, its end of story. Simple as that.


You sir, have healthy boundaries. And I am jealous of this. A wise decision mate!

Thank you for the feathers Ahoy but I would not say that is completely true. If I was 100 percent healthy I wouldn't even consider contact with her. There remains a small (but important) part of me that has a weakness for her and thats the part that:

a) makes things blossom into a possible beautiful new thing with her;

b) she will use to destroy me all over again;

c) I will always carry with me but it won't ever open up for her again.

I constantly feel kind of 'dirty' so to speak, when it comes to this. It felt more 'pure' when I wasn't into contact with her and just moving on. I am still moving on but the contact is opening up future possibilities and it just feels strange, like I am not supposed to do that, of course also after reading so much about BPD and experiences with them on this and other forums for almost 2 years.

At least I know I've done the work the past couple of years, that's something. I just don't want to lose the work again.
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C.Stein
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« Reply #57 on: May 31, 2016, 10:17:57 AM »

Good deal man!  Very healthy attitude.  I know how hard it is to totally let go and if I were in your shoes I may also be struggling because my ex was at least a friend ... .although given the way she ended things I should probably not believe that anymore.

Yeah that's the thing, things didn't end with her and me because of cheating, because of some huge financial scam or other stuff you often read on here. Things ended because we had arguments and more arguments, and they were wearing me down. At the end of the five year relationship I was a shell of my former self, with no clear identity or own life anymore. I NEVER EVER want to get back to that. At the same time, I cannot deny the feeling of having found a 'soulmate' that people so often talk about here, one of the first clues after the break up that clued me on that she might be BPD.

Yea, I get it.  I definitely felt the same, numb and lost myself somewhere along the line ... .and only after 2 years.  We didn't have many arguments although I could see the potential for that developing down the road.  But then as with you, and many of us, the depth of the connection we developed is undeniable.  Unfortunately that bond is tenuous at best and not likely a shared bond.

I just don't want to be one of those persons that come on here or other forums that think 'oh well, THIS time she has changed' or 'oh, THIS time I know how to keep my boundaries'. I KNOW the damage they can do and the way they can penetrate your shield. I don't want to presume I know how to handle it this time. That's the thing that is keeping me at a distance and she will have to do LOTS of work to get closer to me so that I can slowly let my guard down. And chances are she won't even want to do that, and if that is the case, its end of story. Simple as that.

That is the thing isn't it?  Knowing what I know now the relationship would undoubtedly be better ... .BUT ... .the major issues that destroyed me from within and destroyed the relationship are still there.  They are hers to own not mine and until she faces them nothing will ever change.  There is no amount of change I can undertake that will mitigate these issues or magically make them go away and I would merely be subjugating myself to living again with near constant fear and anxiety.  This is not the life I want to live and I would rather be alone than to live like that again.

As each cycle occurs for her I think all she learns is how to conceal it better but it is still there doing the damage.   It truly breaks my heart that this is how it is and will always be with her.  I denied the truth for far longer than I should have.
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Startingafreshafter18yrs

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« Reply #58 on: May 31, 2016, 11:04:10 AM »

Sorry for just jumping in on the thread but I feel I been in the same situation as yourself and all I can say is run for the hills pal. Just more heartache to come out of it and if your in a good place now believe me you won't be if you go back down that road.
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CloseToFreedom
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« Reply #59 on: June 01, 2016, 05:47:31 AM »

Thanks for the feedback folks. Both C.Stein and Startingafreshafter18yrs. I hope you understand I take all your replies seriously.

Anyway, I woke up today and found out eventually I was blocked on the app program all of a sudden.  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) No idea what is going on. Maybe second thoughts, maybe a way to punish me for setting boundaries. Who knows. You never know with these people.
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