mother in law with undiagnosed BPD

[4/10/62]

My biggest challenge - goal is getting my mom in law to accept help.  "everyone else is the problem"  But she really needs help as her relationships with her family members has deteriorated over the last 4 months.  Many threats of suicide (no plan though).  I feel trapped because I've no clue how to approach the subject with her.  My husband is overwhelmed with emotions.  Reading about the affects of BPD mothers on their children, has opened my eyes about the childhood my husband often talked about - but I couldn't really understand.  Now I do.

[Turkish]

Hello 4/10/62,



While it's good that you have become more empathetic to how your H grew up, it's not your job to make everything better for your MIL. Easy to say, I know, but it's not. It sounds, however, that your husband may be overwlemed, and he's fortunate to have you for support. 

What types of suicide threats has she made, are they specific "I'm going to kill myself," or "I want to die." The latter may be ideation, but it's not as actionable. Maybe this will help:

Depression and Suicidal Ideation

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

Who else in the family is involved here?

Turkish

[P.F.Change]

Hi, 4/10/62, and welcome!

It is understandable that you want to help your MIL. I can tell you care about your husband and want to help him, too. BPD is a disorder that causes a lot of pain for the person who has it and their entire family.

Turkish has shared some good resources with you. Suicide threats should always be treated with seriousness; at the same time, it is also important to have boundaries so that you will not be manipulated and held hostage by those behaviors. Have you or your husband ever sought professional guidance for yourselves? A good therapist can be very helpful in navigating this kind of relationship.

One thing to keep in mind is that you cannot make your MIL see that she needs help. There may be a situation in which emergency professionals may involuntarily admit her for psychological help (i.e., in a suicidal situation), but even then she is unlikely to seek continued treatment. The person you can help right now is you. You are here, and that is a good step. Getting Our Values and Boundaries in Order is a resource that helped me when I first came here. Learning to identify your boundaries and honor them will be very important. One tool that I have found very helpful for communicating my boundaries is TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth.

I hope you will keep looking around and let us know how things are going.

Wishing you peace,

PF