Healing from the abuse.

[HoneyB33]

Hello everyone,

I wanted to post on here a bit of my story. And what I'm struggling with today.

It's been two years since my relationship with my ex. While I do not have any desire to go back or anything like that, it's taken me a lot to recover. I have finally come to understand that she had BPD.

My relationship with my ex from the start was basically her idolizing me for several months. She about wanted to be me, and in the midst of everything I was clearly carrying the emotional weight in the relationship. She did small things like going to the store and buying me a candy bar, and then when we'd get in fights, she'd be SO hurt that I didn't realize her efforts.

After several months, and being extremely exhausted with her, I was ready to be out. Of course in light of FOG, I felt obligated to try and stay. Loyalty. During the relationship, I just didn't understand that people operated like this, so I spent endless efforts trying to get her to understand. As I have read about waif borderlines, her hypersensitivity cut me into a million pieces. Always making me believe that I was hurting her, and yet she always threw herself in the way of the "bomb".

In the end, she accused me of everything, and every little moment that I slipped up with imperfections, she was right there to make me feel bad about them. At the time I thought this was reasonable. That she was hurt by me, and that I was hurting her. Now I see that it was beyond unfair.

While traveling in a different country, I hit a breaking point. I began withdrawing because my anger was SO intense, and I found myself constantly irritable. Of course I just blamed myself for this, and spent endless efforts trying to control myself.

My ex and I had a talk in which she was basically wanting more from me, to which I said, "I have nothing left to give." And as I'm sure many of you can guess, a discard came soon after that.

She blamed me for the failure of the relationship, that I was "victimizing" her, and slowly eroded me to believe that all the other abusive relationships I had experienced were my fault because I was "victimizing" these ppl. One of which was a NPD friend.

She basically broke me down so much into believing that I was an abuser. I saw that I was so angry and "critical" that I finally caved and believed her. She pushed and pushed me to believe I had trust issues, and that was why we were failing. And finally she tried to convince me that I had BPD under the reason being that she prayed and felt God led her to this. I'm strong in my faith, and was SO broken down, I accepted that I was the one with BPD. I believed that I had "abandonment" issues, when that was only a problem because she'd drop me every time I wouldn't just back down, and expected her to take responsibility. In short I saw my emotions, most of which she was creating in me, and accepted that I was the one with the problem. I even started going to therapy, believing I had BPD. Thankfully I have an amazing therapist who very quickly dismissed that.

I was so confused at how someone who SO "loved" me could just throw me away like nothing, and it made me believe that I wasn't as "great as I thought I was". Because I felt like I had no other explanation. I deeply struggled with all of these lies and accusations for years, and thought that I had just been fooling myself. These accusations have greatly hindered me from being myself.

I'd appreciate anyone's advice around all of this. I am gaining some clarity. And I do realize that this person didn't love me, but just idealized me. I guess that doesn't bother me so much anymore. I just want to get back to myself. So many ways that this person was ill made me ill. Like her rejecting her own "negative" emotions, and then literally having her "feeling change" the second I wouldn't back down about how I felt.

I'm very grateful to understand BPD, and it's brought much light to why these things happened, and help not take them personally.

[Ahoy]

Witch, hermit, queen, yes they are all damaging BPD sup-types (or whatever we classify them as) but I think the BPD waif is by far the most insidious and mentally damaging to their partners.

Mine was a waif and looking back at the insight I have gained since my discard (13 weeks) I see a lot of myself In your post. What struck me in analysing the course of our relationship was (like you) the projecting and blame shifting on to me. I have no idea if it's deliberate or just cause/effect of BPD but nearing the end I completely felt that I wasn't a good enough husband and I was losing her.

The entire focus of our relationship had shifted to her and how HER happiness was important (never mine). In the few months leading up to the end, I lost myself, my whole existence was wrapped up in how to make her happy and sustain things. No matter what logic or reasoning I applied to her, I was still wrong, she was distant and blaming me for things being that way.

Now initially after we separated I had truly lost my identity, I had no idea what my hopes and dreams were and even if I still liked my hobbies! I was a complete mess. I can now say that I am exactly the same person as I was going into the relationship, my interests, hopes and dreams are still the same, only she is not a part of it. I'm glad I realised this, I hated feeling lost for those two months... .

One last thing, I do believe they 'love' but like most people on here, I feel it is a very immature love, maybe like an infatuation, it certainly was never as special and unique as us non's believed it to be evidenced by how quickly most of us were discarded and replaced.

Please don't dwell on her accusations, I feel you copped some hardcore projection, let the FOG clear and work on issues YOU identify with yourself NOT HER.

Cheers,

[married21years]

Witch, hermit, queen, yes they are all damaging BPD sup-types (or whatever we classify them as) but I think the BPD waif is by far the most insidious and mentally damaging to their partners.

Mine was a waif and looking back at the insight I have gained since my discard (13 weeks) I see a lot of myself In your post. What struck me in analysing the course of our relationship was (like you) the projecting and blame shifting on to me. I have no idea if it's deliberate or just cause/effect of BPD but nearing the end I completely felt that I wasn't a good enough husband and I was losing her.

The entire focus of our relationship had shifted to her and how HER happiness was important (never mine). In the few months leading up to the end, I lost myself, my whole existence was wrapped up in how to make her happy and sustain things. No matter what logic or reasoning I applied to her, I was still wrong, she was distant and blaming me for things being that way.

Now initially after we separated I had truly lost my identity, I had no idea what my hopes and dreams were and even if I still liked my hobbies! I was a complete mess. I can now say that I am exactly the same person as I was going into the relationship, my interests, hopes and dreams are still the same, only she is not a part of it. I'm glad I realised this, I hated feeling lost for those two months... .

One last thing, I do believe they 'love' but like most people on here, I feel it is a very immature love, maybe like an infatuation, it certainly was never as special and unique as us non's believed it to be evidenced by how quickly most of us were discarded and replaced.

Please don't dwell on her accusations, I feel you copped some hardcore projection, let the FOG clear and work on issues YOU identify with yourself NOT HER.

Cheers,

wot he said

boy this is similar 

[WishIKnew82]

Oh my. This is so recognizable. Especially the blame shifting. Not understanding that reaction of the day to day crazyness is what drove me emotionally instable. He didn't understand that BPD means it comes from within not as a reaction to things. He was blaming me and telling anyone including his psychologist that I was the BPD one with narcissim thrown in there. I had to visit a therapist also or take pills (?) for my illness or else he would leave. I went to real low places during those times.

It scares the crap out of me to think that he may even be on boards like these getting support!

It is a hell of a lot of work to get over these kinds of relationships. It has been almost a year for me but I can totally see not being over it in a year from now. I feel for you since it is mindblowing that you've probably done all you could and even went as far to visit a therapist about your supposed illness. How insane are these relationships. It is so crazy from a more neutral point of view but I totally get how it can happen.

Did she contact you after of paint you black to others?

[WishIKnew82]

The entire focus of our relationship had shifted to her and how HER happiness was important (never mine). In the few months leading up to the end, I lost myself, my whole existence was wrapped up in how to make her happy and sustain things. No matter what logic or reasoning I applied to her, I was still wrong, she was distant and blaming me for things being that way.

Now initially after we separated I had truly lost my identity, I had no idea what my hopes and dreams were and even if I still liked my hobbies! I was a complete mess. I can now say that I am exactly the same person as I was going into the relationship, my interests, hopes and dreams are still the same, only she is not a part of it. I'm glad I realised this, I hated feeling lost for those two months... .

Cheers,

Again. Another recognizable part. His happyness was all that the relationship was about. I was nothing after all those years. And now comes the real kicker. He even claimed when I couldn't take it no more that I was not interesting and had no personality and interests and was jealous of his! He destroyed my sense of self and never wanted anything to do with my interests. After years of treating me like that I truly was empty. But to hear it from him like it was something that I was already was such a kick in the balls. Absurdity at its best. I even started thinking if he was right. But fortunately, like you, time did show me who I was and what my dreams were and my interests. And they are coming back to me slowly but surely. Becoming who I was is such a crazy thing since I can't believe I lived like not being myself for all those years.

[married21years]

The entire focus of our relationship had shifted to her and how HER happiness was important (never mine). In the few months leading up to the end, I lost myself, my whole existence was wrapped up in how to make her happy and sustain things. No matter what logic or reasoning I applied to her, I was still wrong, she was distant and blaming me for things being that way.

Now initially after we separated I had truly lost my identity, I had no idea what my hopes and dreams were and even if I still liked my hobbies! I was a complete mess. I can now say that I am exactly the same person as I was going into the relationship, my interests, hopes and dreams are still the same, only she is not a part of it. I'm glad I realised this, I hated feeling lost for those two months... .

Cheers,

hey apparently i am crap in bed now?

ROFLMFAO 

Again. Another recognizable part. His happyness was all that the relationship was about. I was nothing after all those years. And now comes the real kicker. He even claimed when I couldn't take it no more that I was not interesting and had no personality and interests and was jealous of his! He destroyed my sense of self and never wanted anything to do with my interests. After years of treating me like that I truly was empty. But to hear it from him like it was something that I was already was such a kick in the balls. Absurdity at its best. I even started thinking if he was right. But fortunately, like you, time did show me who I was and what my dreams were and my interests. And they are coming back to me slowly but surely. Becoming who I was is such a crazy thing since I can't believe I lived like not being myself for all those years.

[HoneyB33]

All of your replies feel like soothing medicine to a burn. Yes. All of this. Yes.

I hate that I have spent so much time being lost in all of these things, and that it's taken me this much time to work back to the BPD label that she tried to put on me, and realize the truth of it. I was reading more into narcissism, but that was leaving me feeling like only pieces were fitting to the picture. Like for example they tell you that this person never loved you and was only using you. Well, like you said Ahoy, I knew that she had some broken 3 yr old "love" for me. I know it's not real love in that she didn't care about me. But I knew there were emotions there. Anyways, I finally feel some relief in understanding. It's kind of like I went from one side--being blamed as the problem. That didn't fit. But when I tried finding relief in all these other half understandings, I felt forced to believe things that I knew were not true to my situation.

Ahoy, your words so resonate with me. That is exactly what happened with my ex. She was SO about her happiness, and just breaking me to pieces the second I tried to take care of myself. I so relate to how much you lost yourself. I've definitely been struggling to believe in a lot things, myself, and my faith since all of this.

WishIKnewBetter82, ugh. I feel you so much. That's exactly how things happened to me. It was like my ex was forcing me to believe I was this damaged horrible person, and if I wouldn't believe her, then she would leave me. It was so twisted, because of course the second I went, "Ok, maybe it's me". She basically sealed the hole and left me buried alive. It was the most horrific experience. My ex contacted me a few small ways after. Always under a reason. Needing to make sure I got my stuff or whatever. I did run into her at a coffee shop when I was back home, and she walked strait up to me SO happy to see me. I was so in shock seeing her I said two words to her, and then just stared her down (mostly just out of shock). She got so scared she literally back away from me, and crawled back to her "friends". That's what a waif does though, makes you believe you're terrifying because of how weak and pathetic they are. I can also see how my ex would try to make me feel like I was the one that was less, after she had emptied me of everything. It's horrific what these ppl do to you.

[C.Stein]

I see the love my ex gave me was conditional on the love I gave her.  She was mirroring the love I gave her and I don't believe there was much self-generated love on her part.  She needs the love of another to love herself, or perhaps even like herself.  Sex and "love" provide her with identity and self-worth.  She absorbed my love like a dry sponge and reflected it back to me.  That said, I do believe she had genuine feelings for me at one time I just don't think there was any depth to those feelings.  This conclusion is evidenced by how easily she could throw me emotionally under the bus and how easily she replaced me with no apparent guilt or remorse. 

[SWLSR]

Abuse is what they do, the minute we get involved with them we are going to be abused.  The only way for us to heal is to get away from them.  You have done the first step your road to recovery is begining

[HoneyB33]

I agree with you C.Stein. I guess the biggest thing for me is seeing this as a reflection upon them, and not upon my self as a good partner.

[babyducks]

Hi HoneyB,

I wanted to stop in and welcome you to the site.    It can be very helpful to share our stories as we move forward.  You will notice a lot of similarities in the stories here.   And you will notice that many of us end up healing from the same type of abuse.

What caught my eye in your story was when you said:

My relationship with my ex from the start was basically her idolizing me for several months... .Always making me believe that I was hurting her, and yet she always threw herself in the way of the "bomb".

That's a poignant way of explaining it.  And you are right it is abusive.    People who function this way in the interpersonal realm have tried and true methods of creating bonds by misusing fear, excitement, intensity and anger.   A guy by the name of Dr. Patrick Carnes calls them Betrayal Bonds and has written a great book about how to break free of exploitive relationships.    A betrayal bond or a trauma bond isn't a 'normal' relationship and we don't function normally in it.   Because of the intense inconsistency, that roller coaster of going from being soul mates to being totally destructive we end up forming trauma bonds.   At least I believe most of us do.   It is the same kind of bond that kidnap victims end up forming with their aggressor.   Here is this person who has the capacity to wound you terribly, or love bomb you like you have never seen before, of course  there is a natural inclination to try and minimize the hurting and maximize the loving.   That's how all of neuropsychology works after all.   It's a natural process.

Zari Ballard says:

Trauma bonding is more descriptive of the attachment dilemma that occurs from the type of trauma caused to our emotions (i.e. betrayal and neglect, over and over and over). It’s the type of bonding that can easily occur via passive-aggressive manipulation (i.e. sex, lies, silent treatments)

She pushed and pushed me to believe I had trust issues, and that was why we were failing. And finally she tried to convince me that I had BPD under the reason being that she prayed and felt God led her to this. I'm strong in my faith, and was SO broken down, I accepted that I was the one with BPD.

Again this resonated with me.   I hope you have a glimmer that the manipulation of your faith as a tactic to force your compliance to her wishes is pretty emotionally vicious in a subtle and underhanded way.    There is just so much wrong with that.   

She was SO about her happiness, and just breaking me to pieces the second I tried to take care of myself. I so relate to how much you lost yourself. I've definitely been struggling to believe in a lot things, myself, and my faith since all of this.

Yes you are both correct. Reframing this has been helpful to me.  My partner was diagnosed Bipolar 1 and BPD.   I am always trying to determine when I was sharing a relationship with her, or when I was sharing a delusion of her mental illness with her.   I believed I was having a relationship.  I wanted to be sharing a relationship.    I hoped to be having a relationship.   My actions were driven from my understanding of what a relationship was or should be.  A lot of her actions/emotions came from her illness, her distorted view of reality and her need to have a object to provide supply.   

It was the most horrific experience.

It sounds like it.    And I want to give you all sorts of credit for being courageous enough to come here and share your story.       We certainly understand what you have experienced.   And the aftermath of it all.   

I'd appreciate anyone's advice around all of this. I am gaining some clarity.

My two cents, for what they are worth?   I think it is possible that we heal from the abuse the same way that people who have a (mild) case of c-PTSD do.    Commit to living in the truth at all costs.   Be kind and compassionate to yourself.   Focus on yourself and the future and limit the concentration on her and the past.

'ducks

[C.Stein]

I agree with you C.Stein. I guess the biggest thing for me is seeing this as a reflection upon them, and not upon my self as a good partner.

We can't be afraid to look at ourselves through all this.  It is too easy to point the finger at the ex and say disordered.  A relationship is a dynamic of two and our own behavior needs to be examined, not only for our own personal growth, but to ensure we don't get caught in another unhealthy relationship again.  

What I struggle with the most and perhaps what has hurt me the most was how much belief and trust I placed in her in spite of what my gut was telling me.  When that was betrayed it devastated me and what followed that betrayal has destroyed me.  I believe everyone deserves a chance and I wanted to give her a chance because in many ways she was "the one".  Where I failed myself was not seeing where giving her a chance turned from being fair and healthy to unhealthy and destructive to my own well being and our relationship.   I let her compromise my core self and that should never ever happen.

There are things I did right and there are things I did wrong, considering the strong possibility of BPD.  Would knowing have made a difference in my case ... .I honestly don't know.  In some ways I think yes but in the most important ways probably not.  My behavior cannot prevent her "dark side" from being expressed, even if it might have mitigated it somewhat.  My behavior cannot keep her honest and faithful.  My behavior cannot prevent her from manipulating my emotions and putting her own petty needs ahead of my emotional well being.  My behavior cannot prevent her from making bad decisions and choices.  My behavior cannot prevent her from acting impulsively without any thought to the consequences.  

This is just who she is and I need to accept this, regardless of the amazing person she is when her dark side is quiet.  She thinks she has it under control ... .she doesn't.  I need to convince myself that the end result would have been the same regardless of what I did.  I need to convince myself if we had stayed together it would have gotten worse not better.   I need to believe in my ability to see a future with her would have led to a life of misery and pain.   I need to believe these things because I can't let go if I don't.  I need to believe in myself again because if I don't I will never find a way out of this dark pit.  

The woman I believed in, the woman she wants to be, is simply not a tangible reality.  The woman I fell in love with can never be truly realized, it was all fantasy and contingent on my ability/willingness to turn a blind eye to every hurtful and destructive thing she did ... .to turn a blind eye to her "dark side".

[HoneyB33]

babyducks thank you so much for such a thoughtful reply. For sorting through the things I said, and giving your opinion on them. It's so refreshing to be validated in what I went through, and in light of that I totally welcome people's experience, guidance, and opinion.

I'm actually reading a book about Trauma Bonds currently. I really appreciate how you showed in light of what I said, this person intentionally trying to create that trauma bond, and how the things were abusive. That is really helpful. It totally makes sense that she "threw herself in front of the bomb" because she was trying to create that. Trying to make me the "bad person" and then give me the "acceptance" to cement that.

Thank you again for showing the abuse in light of my faith. I guess I still believed that as her being "lost", but it was totally used against me to try and force me into believing something untrue about myself, and not only that, but trying to force me to accept their disorder as my own. I honestly am having a hard time seeing the abuse. Most of my broken programing placed things like that under misunderstandings rather than abuse. That's the place that I'm really trying to break down in my mind. Where I believe things are someone's misunderstandings, or "weaknesses" and see that no, this is abuse. So you pointing out all of these things has been really helpful towards that.

Yeah, I think in some backwards way where I was having this "normal" relationship with disordered ppl, it's made me regret things. Like feeling "stupid" for how I was trying to operate normally, and that's definitely not how I need to see this. But I can say it's tempting to fall into that because I was having a normal experience with someone's disordered reality. Like specifically my mother too. I'd totally eat up when she'd get in that nice mode (usually around co-workers) and I'd be like, "Yay, a mom!" And just realizing it was totally her lies. Sad.

"Commit to living in the truth at all costs.   Be kind and compassionate to yourself.   Focus on yourself and the future and limit the concentration on her and the past." This is definitely something I agree with you on, and what I am working towards in myself. My only question with this is in regards to needing to see the abuse in my past. Like all the things I listed above and the need to reframe them in my mind to realize what was abuse. It's not really being hung up on this person or anything, it's more a need to recognize abuse for what it is. So I guess that would go into the category of the truth you listed. Do you have any advice towards that? Thank you again for your words of truth!

C.Stein I do agree with what you said. When I was talking about needing to see this as them not me, I wasn't negating my responsibility. I meant that a huge area that I have struggled in is believing that I had fault for things in this relationship that were not my fault. I.e my ex blaming me as the disordered one, the abuser, etc. So I drastically need for myself to get all of these false things off of me, SO THAT I can really work on what IS mine. I so totally agree. I look at why I was in this relationship, what drove me there, what I believed, what I allowed to happen. I totally get why you make this point, because I think ppl can easily get stuck in just being victims to this, and not use it to grow and be free from abusive relationships.

The two things you pointed out is what I'm really working on. Knowing that all that I do can not stop another person's behavior and choices. That is definitely an area that I needed to learn in all of this. I endlessly tried to get this person to understand, change, behave differently towards me, and learning to separate myself from ppl in this way is definitely a deep work I'm doing.

What you also said in the end of what you need to convince yourself and believe--that's where I am at. And that's what I meant with this statement about what is hers, and what is mine. Needing to believe that while I allowed things, I am not at fault for a person's abuse towards me. That I really did do things right, though I did things "wrong" because all my goodness didn't include myself. But I also need to know that this person is disordered, and that it isn't a true reflection upon me as a person. This relationship refelects where I was at, and that is something I am fully taking on. But what I'm fighting for is to NOT take on this distorted images this person left me with, of myself. To NOT believe that I'm less of a person because this person left me. To not believe I was abusive, but was in fact standing up for myself. To not believe I'm the disordered one. The largest reason I was with this person was in fact because I couldn't step into my confidence enough to know that I was not the one with the problem. Because for whatever reason, I felt bad seeing her as the one with issues, so I took on things that were not mine at all. So there are a lot of reasons to look at why I let this happen. But I do need to separtate that she was the disordered and abusive partner, not me.

[cc 69]

Hi honeb33 that's the good thing about being around people who generally rate to your pain the shifting of blame is what they do the with even thinking I got blamed for putting her in debt the funny about that is she couldn't any  loans so like a good little boy I got many loans on my name which I'm left paying nice I think trick and she in debt mmmm in fact things got so tight after son was born I would walk 6 miles to and from work I asked for her to find some work to help out with the running of the house which she did but then told her family I forced her to work I was the villan in thier eyes from day one so after our final break up painting me black to them was so easy the fact I brought her daughter up as mine for 6 years doesn't cut the ice she won't talk to me any more cos of what been drip fed into her god help what my son has to put up with cos he defends me even at the age of 5 blame toxic they will be no more easy pickings off me I'm getting stronger by the day and hope everyone can feel the same

[Mars22]

I see the love my ex gave me was conditional on the love I gave her.  She was mirroring the love I gave her and I don't believe there was much self-generated love on her part.  She needs the love of another to love herself, or perhaps even like herself.  Sex and "love" provide her with identity and self-worth.  She absorbed my love like a dry sponge and reflected it back to me.  That said, I do believe she had genuine feelings for me at one time I just don't think there was any depth to those feelings.  This conclusion is evidenced by how easily she could throw me emotionally under the bus and how easily she replaced me with no apparent guilt or remorse. 

This whole post really resonates with me as well. So many similarities. Ahoy and C.Stein ... so very true. Spot on actually. Very scary to stay the least... I was with a waif and it felt like psychological warfare after a while. Inside I knew the behavior was wrong but, i stuck around. Yes, 'cause I thought she was 'the one'. It seemed she would just wear me down, as I was her emotional punching bag; taking all the hits of blame and accusations. My true happiness and emotional well-being were NEVER a consideration. After about a year, I'm realizing just now that I subconsciously began to pull away both intimately and emotionally and that's perhaps when it really peaked. She was then mirroring the actual unaffectionate person she created in me. How does somebody get close to anybody when the relationship is constantly emotionally shifting from 'I love you' to 'I hate you', and your cause of all the problems and hate? Jeez... .what  a ride.

[Beacher]

I quickly identified with the word ' gas lighting' in my relationship, and it seems to have also happened with yours. YOU are made out to be the one with issues, not them. After a while you begin to believe it but thank god your therapist quickly dispelled that for you. So many issues, it's all about their feelings and not yours, even when he threw me on the floor and I had bruises it was all about how he was feeling and lots of tears. Geez Louise!

Be kind to yourself. I'm feeling a lot of post traumatic stress from my relationship but realize I have to be patient and go through the feelings before I am back to semi normal. I also had a lot of idolization ( you're the one I've been waiting for forever, I thank God for you every day, ect ect) only to be cut down and humiliated the next day. What a crazy merry go round! Take care and know you are not alone.

[C.Stein]

C.Stein I do agree with what you said. When I was talking about needing to see this as them not me, I wasn't negating my responsibility. I meant that a huge area that I have struggled in is believing that I had fault for things in this relationship that were not my fault. I.e my ex blaming me as the disordered one, the abuser, etc. So I drastically need for myself to get all of these false things off of me, SO THAT I can really work on what IS mine. I so totally agree. I look at why I was in this relationship, what drove me there, what I believed, what I allowed to happen. I totally get why you make this point, because I think ppl can easily get stuck in just being victims to this, and not use it to grow and be free from abusive relationships.

Own what is yours to own, nothing more, nothing less.  One of the most difficult things to overcome in these types of relationships is feeling responsible, whether it is directly stated by your ex or through subtle manipulations and your own tendencies (ex. codependent traits).  I know I have struggled with this, particularly in the first 4 months post trash bin.  I do even now feel responsible, like I failed her, and I did in some ways.  More importantly though I failed myself and this is without a doubt the hardest thing to process internally.  This is where the growth potential lies, in seeing how we failed ourselves and perhaps by extension failed in the relationship (or not).  We have to learn these painful lessons if we are going to realize something positive from the wreckage our ex's left behind.

Never ever accept blame for her actions or excuse hurtful abusive behavior.  While you can forgive what she has done to you, never forget or excuse it.

The two things you pointed out is what I'm really working on. Knowing that all that I do can not stop another person's behavior and choices. That is definitely an area that I needed to learn in all of this. I endlessly tried to get this person to understand, change, behave differently towards me, and learning to separate myself from ppl in this way is definitely a deep work I'm doing.

This is a tough one here because how you act/behave in the relationship can have an impact on the other person.  That said, they are an autonomous and unique individual and you cannot control them.  When the cards are on the table people will be who they truly are and there is nothing you can do/say or way you can behave that will change that.

What you also said in the end of what you need to convince yourself and believe--that's where I am at. And that's what I meant with this statement about what is hers, and what is mine. Needing to believe that while I allowed things, I am not at fault for a person's abuse towards me. That I really did do things right, though I did things "wrong" because all my goodness didn't include myself. But I also need to know that this person is disordered, and that it isn't a true reflection upon me as a person. This relationship refelects where I was at, and that is something I am fully taking on. But what I'm fighting for is to NOT take on this distorted images this person left me with, of myself. To NOT believe that I'm less of a person because this person left me. To not believe I was abusive, but was in fact standing up for myself. To not believe I'm the disordered one. The largest reason I was with this person was in fact because I couldn't step into my confidence enough to know that I was not the one with the problem. Because for whatever reason, I felt bad seeing her as the one with issues, so I took on things that were not mine at all. So there are a lot of reasons to look at why I let this happen. But I do need to separtate that she was the disordered and abusive partner, not me.

Being thrown away without a doubt compromises your self-confidence to the core.  This is even more the case with a borderline.  Accepting our ex is not the person we fell in love with is the most difficult thing to process about our exs IMO.  I continue to struggle with merging the good side of my ex and her "dark side".  It is this struggle, the inability to merge and accept the whole, that keeps me in my pit of darkness.  I don't want to believe my ex could do that things she did ... .and I don't want to believe I let her.  What I lost here was confidence in myself and my ability to accept what I was seeing was true and saying enough is enough.  I didn't have the confidence to walk away because I wanted so much to believe in her and to believe that what I saw in her would prevail.  Because of this I was abusive ... .I abused myself!

In your attempt to set your mind straight again remember your actions during the relationship are the truth!  Her words have no weight or substance.

[Ahoy]

I agree with you C.Stein. I guess the biggest thing for me is seeing this as a reflection upon them, and not upon my self as a good partner.

We can't be afraid to look at ourselves through all this.  It is too easy to point the finger at the ex and say disordered.  A relationship is a dynamic of two and our own behavior needs to be examined, not only for our own personal growth, but to ensure we don't get caught in another unhealthy relationship again.  

What I struggle with the most and perhaps what has hurt me the most was how much belief and trust I placed in her in spite of what my gut was telling me.  When that was betrayed it devastated me and what followed that betrayal has destroyed me.  I believe everyone deserves a chance and I wanted to give her a chance because in many ways she was "the one".  Where I failed myself was not seeing where giving her a chance turned from being fair and healthy to unhealthy and destructive to my own well being and our relationship.   I let her compromise my core self and that should never ever happen.

There are things I did right and there are things I did wrong, considering the strong possibility of BPD.  Would knowing have made a difference in my case ... .I honestly don't know.  In some ways I think yes but in the most important ways probably not.  My behavior cannot prevent her "dark side" from being expressed, even if it might have mitigated it somewhat.  My behavior cannot keep her honest and faithful.  My behavior cannot prevent her from manipulating my emotions and putting her own petty needs ahead of my emotional well being.  My behavior cannot prevent her from making bad decisions and choices.  My behavior cannot prevent her from acting impulsively without any thought to the consequences.  

This is just who she is and I need to accept this, regardless of the amazing person she is when her dark side is quiet.  She thinks she has it under control ... .she doesn't.  I need to convince myself that the end result would have been the same regardless of what I did.  I need to convince myself if we had stayed together it would have gotten worse not better.   I need to believe in my ability to see a future with her would have led to a life of misery and pain.   I need to believe these things because I can't let go if I don't.  I need to believe in myself again because if I don't I will never find a way out of this dark pit.  

The woman I believed in, the woman she wants to be, is simply not a tangible reality.  The woman I fell in love with can never be truly realized, it was all fantasy and contingent on my ability/willingness to turn a blind eye to every hurtful and destructive thing she did ... .to turn a blind eye to her "dark side".

I jumped on here for a bit of a read, as much as I'm on the way to accepting all this mess and rebuilding my life, sometimes it helps to read some words of wisdom and really hammer home how futile all the thoughts of a 'perfect life' really are.

I escaped relatively early (3.5 years total) no way was a life with her going to be bountiful and joyful, I would have lost myself piece by piece until I was a doormat.

Great post, a good reality check. I can go back to being productive... .we'll semi-productive, playing computer games while thinking about the part I played in all of this.

[C.Stein]

I escaped relatively early (3.5 years total) no way was a life with her going to be bountiful and joyful, I would have lost myself piece by piece until I was a doormat.

Yes, and this is a bitter pill to swallow.  We saw a beautiful future, invested ourselves in that future and in that person, to only have it taken slowly away.  I think one of the things about relationships with borderlines that makes the end so incredibly painful is we open our hearts to them completely, letting them touch us in ways no one ever has before.  It takes an enormous amount of trust and belief in a person to allow this to happen and when that is betrayed it destroys us.  This is certainly my case and I suspect many here will probably feel the same.

[Ahoy]

I escaped relatively early (3.5 years total) no way was a life with her going to be bountiful and joyful, I would have lost myself piece by piece until I was a doormat.

Yes, and this is a bitter pill to swallow.  We saw a beautiful future, invested ourselves in that future and in that person, to only have it taken slowly away.  I think one of the things about relationships with borderlines that makes the end so incredibly painful is we open our hearts to them completely, letting them touch us in ways no one ever has before.  It takes an enormous amount of trust and belief in a person to allow this to happen and when that is betrayed it destroys us.  This is certainly my case and I suspect many here will probably feel the same.

Yep 100% agree. It's also important to remember that we made ourselves vulnerable to a disordered person too! So if/when we start dating and our partner is emotionally healthy, we have to keep this in mind because otherwise trust/betrayal issues could easily sabotage a future budding relationship.

Being able to trust is vital. I think I WILL be trusting in the future BUT I will be a lot less naive. At least I hope anyway. Dating is a LONG way off in the future... .