Got recycled... Feeling frustrated and sad

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi all,

So I posted in the "saving a relationship near breakup or in breakup" board last week. My diagnosed exBPD bf contacted me and gave me the glimmer of hope that maybe we could work things out (We have been broken up for a couple months - and got back together for a few weeks in that time). When we first texted I was very calm cool and collected and told him about all the good things happening in my life at the moment (wanted to make sure he knew he couldn't break me down). That's when he started toying with my emotions and telling me how much he missed me and how sorry he was for being so messed up in the head. Over the course of the week he became vulnerable and would start to let me in on the emotions he was feeling and how low he would get and always be on the verge of tears. We hungout a couple times and had a really good time. He asked me if we could hangout and keep things light and fun and reconnect and then we could get back to a place of working on things. I stupidly agreed knowing full well that if we were to get back together that it should have been more on my terms and what I needed. Well we were planning on having a nice night together but before we were going to hangout he cancelled and said that he loves me so much and I am an amazing person but he feels that if we hangout that I will become hurt because it won't result in us getting back together. He said his main focus right now is to make money (he is very broke right now) and try and heal on his own. A relationship is his last priority. I feel beyond stupid for believing his lies and getting caught up in the web again. I know I can't be hard on myself but my gut was telling me that this wasn't right. One second he wants to be with me and the next second he doesn't know and the next he just does not at all. When I talked to him yesterday he still wanted to remain in contact but I said absolutely not. He got mad about that (figures). He just wants me to be there for him when its convenient for him and that's not fair to me at all. From yesterday moving forward I am going complete NC. This has gotten ridiculous. I deserve someone that is sure of me and treats me GOOD. Even during the last few days of us talking he became very cold and disconnected and just plain mean. I just want to move on with my life  :'(

[myselfandi]

Hi all,

So I posted in the "saving a relationship near breakup or in breakup" board last week. My diagnosed exBPD bf contacted me and gave me the glimmer of hope that maybe we could work things out (We have been broken up for a couple months - and got back together for a few weeks in that time). When we first texted I was very calm cool and collected and told him about all the good things happening in my life at the moment (wanted to make sure he knew he couldn't break me down). That's when he started toying with my emotions and telling me how much he missed me and how sorry he was for being so messed up in the head. Over the course of the week he became vulnerable and would start to let me in on the emotions he was feeling and how low he would get and always be on the verge of tears. We hungout a couple times and had a really good time. He asked me if we could hangout and keep things light and fun and reconnect and then we could get back to a place of working on things. I stupidly agreed knowing full well that if we were to get back together that it should have been more on my terms and what I needed. Well we were planning on having a nice night together but before we were going to hangout he cancelled and said that he loves me so much and I am an amazing person but he feels that if we hangout that I will become hurt because it won't result in us getting back together. He said his main focus right now is to make money (he is very broke right now) and try and heal on his own. A relationship is his last priority. I feel beyond stupid for believing his lies and getting caught up in the web again. I know I can't be hard on myself but my gut was telling me that this wasn't right. One second he wants to be with me and the next second he doesn't know and the next he just does not at all. When I talked to him yesterday he still wanted to remain in contact but I said absolutely not. He got mad about that (figures). He just wants me to be there for him when its convenient for him and that's not fair to me at all. From yesterday moving forward I am going complete NC. This has gotten ridiculous. I deserve someone that is sure of me and treats me GOOD. Even during the last few days of us talking he became very cold and disconnected and just plain mean. I just want to move on with my life  :'(

[Lifewriter16]

Hi myselfandi.

Nice to have you here.

The to-ing and fro-ing, wanting to get back together and then changing his mind, wanting to be just friends and then freaking out because it's not getting back together, wanting to move to be nearer me and breaking up the very next day, being upset because he thinks I won't be his wife and then backing off completely and going no contact AND then starting the process all over again, is exactly what happens with my BPDxbf. And it happens as quickly as you are describing. We get back together for 2 weeks, possibly 3 and then he picks a fight over something and we split up again. I'm not surprised that you want out. You do deserve someone who treats you well. It's okay to want out. You must do what's best for you regardless of what he says or does to try and change your mind.

Love

Lifewriter

[bunny4523]

I know I can't be hard on myself but my gut was telling me that this wasn't right.

ALWAYS follow your gut.  I met with a therapist that specializes in BPD after my breakup.  I was telling her that I'm confused because on paper my exBPD partner seemed so much much different than my ex husband but yet I ended up in an abusive relationship again... .over ten years of healing and leaving the last abusive relationship.

When I shared my story of how my exBPD and I met, I said to her "it didn't feel right to me, I was actually not interested at all in him but he continued to pursue me and convince how great we would be together." I had chosen jerks in the past and thought my picker was off and maybe I should give this nice guy a chance.

She told me I have my answer... .I just didn't listen to it.  I didn't trust myself and follow my gut.  Since then, I've been more in touch and trusting my gut and it's amazing how well it works.  

He might be playing the push/pull with you to see how much you really love him so of course he would get mad that you didn't chase him and beg for him to stay.  It's a test you will have again and again if you choose to try and work on this relationship.  Only you will know when you have tried enough and are ready to move on.  Follow your gut  If the thought of working things out, gives you anxiety and the thought of moving on gives you a sense of relief... .well then move on.  Stay focused and get through it. Find someone who will love you the way you love them... .

I am in an amazing relationship with someone else now and I can't even begin to explain to you the differences.  It can happen for you too.

[Leonis]

Sorry that you are going through these uncertain times.

My ex and I did something similar (she's not diagnosed) since the so-called breakup back in mid-April. During the back and forth, we still did things together and even slept with each other. Without too much detail, there were just too many mixed messages.

I felt sad, like you. I felt maybe I was not good enough, etc.

Finally, an event involving two of her siblings pushed me over the edge and allowed me to be happier with the way things turned out. I realized how utterly ridiculous the whole premise was the whole time. Sure, my ex has emotional/trust issues that stemmed from her childhood, but having an entire family enabling her and defending her actions while making it sound like I forced the relationship going by "harassing the family" and "coercing" her was the last straw.

Point being, you deserve so much better. You may not be perfect, but that doesn't make you less. You need someone who doesn't get triggered by the most obscure and minute things. There is a point where we all have to be accountable for our actions because a person can't pretend he doesn't understand forever when he clearly knows something is off.

You should feel bad for him, but not feel bad for whatever you've tried to save the relationship.

She told me I have my answer... .I just didn't listen to it.

This. I had the feelings every now and then from October last year onwards, but I felt guilty because I thought I would have hurt her feelings deeply when she finally decided to work things out with me.

[HoneyB33]

Oh I so know this experience. It's so crazy until you learn about BPD. My ex was literally telling me how she wanted to marry me and have children, and then the next day telling me how she just said that because it's how I felt. They can string you along for so long because most of the time you're just fighting to get back your own footing. But of course, they just come and knock you down the second you try to stand up for yourself. Horrible. It's not worth any of it. These ppl make you believe that you are not the valuable partner that you know you are. They completely destroy your self-esteem. Get away from the crazy. Listen to the FOG. If you're doing anything out of those reasons, stop. I stayed with my ex and worked so hard because of those very reasons. And all I got was my self-esteem destroyed and her off with someone else because "they're a good person". Trying clearly, to make me feel like I was a bad person. They poison the well of your goodness. Get out.

[myselfandi]

Hi myselfandi.

Nice to have you here.

The to-ing and fro-ing, wanting to get back together and then changing his mind, wanting to be just friends and then freaking out because it's not getting back together, wanting to move to be nearer me and breaking up the very next day, being upset because he thinks I won't be his wife and then backing off completely and going no contact AND then starting the process all over again, is exactly what happens with my BPDxbf. And it happens as quickly as you are describing. We get back together for 2 weeks, possibly 3 and then he picks a fight over something and we split up again. I'm not surprised that you want out. You do deserve someone who treats you well. It's okay to want out. You must do what's best for you regardless of what he says or does to try and change your mind.

Love

Lifewriter

Exactly! Our last breakup reasoning was beyond stupid. We had plans to hangout and I just asked if I could stay in and see him first thing the next day. He raged on me! Went absolutely crazy. I love him beyond words can say. And he knows that. And he constantly tells me how much he loves me. But he just isn't ready to put the work into our relationship anymore. He wants the easy way out for everything in life right now. I'm sad because you tell yourself that love conquers all. But it truly doesn't. I need to remind myself time and time again that he is sick and nothing in his life is going to change unless he takes drastic action to improve it. I'm finally at the point where I am completely ready to not feel like this anymore. I am ready to be happy and healthy again.

[myselfandi]

I know I can't be hard on myself but my gut was telling me that this wasn't right.

ALWAYS follow your gut.  I met with a therapist that specializes in BPD after my breakup.  I was telling her that I'm confused because on paper my exBPD partner seemed so much much different than my ex husband but yet I ended up in an abusive relationship again... .over ten years of healing and leaving the last abusive relationship.

When I shared my story of how my exBPD and I met, I said to her "it didn't feel right to me, I was actually not interested at all in him but he continued to pursue me and convince how great we would be together." I had chosen jerks in the past and thought my picker was off and maybe I should give this nice guy a chance.

She told me I have my answer... .I just didn't listen to it.  I didn't trust myself and follow my gut.  Since then, I've been more in touch and trusting my gut and it's amazing how well it works. 

He might be playing the push/pull with you to see how much you really love him so of course he would get mad that you didn't chase him and beg for him to stay.  It's a test you will have again and again if you choose to try and work on this relationship.  Only you will know when you have tried enough and are ready to move on.  Follow your gut   If the thought of working things out, gives you anxiety and the thought of moving on gives you a sense of relief... .well then move on.  Stay focused and get through it. Find someone who will love you the way you love them... .

I am in an amazing relationship with someone else now and I can't even begin to explain to you the differences.  It can happen for you too.

I am considering going into therapy as well. I want to learn more about myself and why I let him get away with certain behaviors for so long. But I also struggle because I feel like this man doesn't deserve another ounce of attention from me. I have given this person my everything. And I feel like therapy is just giving him more attention. Does that make sense?

He definitely likes to test me and see the boundaries I am willing to push for the relationship. I will no longer give him that. I can't wait for the day I am in an amazing relationship with someone who loves me back just as much as I love them and will never leave me! I thought my ex would never leave me because we were so in love. Turns out I was very wrong in that regard.

[myselfandi]

Hi Leonis!

We have definitely been sleeping together on and off. That is the one place that doesn't hold one complication for us. It's the last place we have where the peace is and where we can truly connect without the problems and sadness. I know that it wasn't healthy but I'm only human!

It's weird because I know I am more then good enough. Not to sound full of myself but multiple people in our lives have told him that he will never get someone like me again and even that I am too good for him.

I'm sorry you went through that with the family. Luckily enough I am VERY close with his family. Talk to his mom almost everyday. I think that's one of the things that makes me really sad. I love his family so much and they are a big part of my life. I know I will always have them in my life but it will never be the same.

Thank you for the kind words. I do deserve much better and at some point he definitely needs to take accountability for the things he has done and the pain he has created for both of us. More and more I am starting to feel bad for him. Bad enough that I know I need to remove myself and move on.

[bunny4523]

Hi myselfandi,

I can completely relate to not wanting to give him another second of your life. I remember feeling annoyed that I HAD to go back into therapy because of my ex's crap but then I realized it was for me.  He tormented me for 5 months and I didn't want to let him ruin even another day, hour or minute. 

He took some things away from me and I wanted them back.  My self esteem, my clear minded thought process, my character... .I wanted to get him out of my head once and for all. All the things he had done to me and when they had been done was all mixed up.  The confusion in the words he said one minute and then the opposite another minute.  He loves me so much turned into me not being worthy my being dismissed because I was tired and not talkative.  I needed the merry go round of all the craziness I had experiended to stop. 

Therapy did that for me.  So did writing it out - lots of letters.  I never sent any of them... .they were mine.

I still work with my exBPD partner.  It's been almost a year now since our breakup and I am stronger than ever.  In relationships, I like to own my mistakes and try to make things better.  In this relationship, my lesson was to learn I deserve better and to walk away. 

There is this thing I saw online about a frog.  A frog is in a pot of water on a stove and the pot is slowly warmed.  As the water temperature increases, the frog exerts energy to adjust its body temperature to sustain the heat.  Once it gets too hot for the frog, he begins to try to hop out.  But the frog is tired from adjusting its body temperature and it dies. 

The question is "what killed the frog" 

The moral is: it was the frog's own inability to decide when to jump out that killed him - there are situations when we have to adapt and adjust to people/situations but there are also times when we need to know when to get out.      

[HurtinNW]

Hello myselfanid!

In case no one has welcomed you yet, welcome to the family! 

As others have said, this push-pull, on-and-off again is classic PD behavior. My ex did this more times than i can count. Like Lifewriter, he couldn't go more than two or so weeks without raging and breaking up with me. Literally a week before our final break up, he was saying he wanted to go look at rings with me. After four years of recycles, I was more than a little cautious. I had something else to do that day, and within a week, he had found a reason to blow up at me and break up with me (again). While yelling at me one of the things he said was I hadn't gone to look at rings, so it was my fault he was breaking up with me. Um, if he had genuinely wanted to marry me he wouldn't be breaking up with me!

These disorders are just plain crazy making.

For me it's been helpful to go to therapy and find out why I kept reengaging with someone who is incapable of caring about my feelings and needs. Therapy is also really helping me heal and feel better about myself, so I can look for a decent, loving partner and trust I am on the right path.   

[myselfandi]

Thanks bunny4523!

It sounds like we have been in very similar situations. I am very open to therapy and I am going to start looking into different therapists right away.

I can't believe you work with your exBPD partner! That must have been difficult.

I know time heals all, and I am positive when I stick to NC that I will start feeling better sooner then I expect. Just have to stay strong and stick with it!

[myselfandi]

Thank you for welcoming me HurtinNW!

It is like walking on egg shells around them. The most normal of disagreements for a healthy relationship are like a war with your ex. I guess I always have a hard time grasping the concept of them wanting to marry you and have children one second and then the next they don't want any of that. My ex and I even have matching tattoo's unfortunately. But I truly thought (and I'm sure he did too for a period of time) that we were getting married.

I think it would be very helpful for me as well to find out why I kept reengaging even when he wasn't treating me properly. I know I didn't deserve any of it but I kept letting it happen because I wanted to be with him so bad. And because he would show remorse for his actions, he isn't completely heartless like some of the BPD ex's I have read about on here (thank god) but I don't know if that even makes it much easier.

[Leonis]

It is like walking on egg shells around them. The most normal of disagreements for a healthy relationship are like a war with your ex. I guess I always have a hard time grasping the concept of them wanting to marry you and have children one second and then the next they don't want any of that. My ex and I even have matching tattoo's unfortunately. But I truly thought (and I'm sure he did too for a period of time) that we were getting married.

Yes! It feels like you are walking on eggshells. The ironic part is, they'll say you make them feel like that. Little disagreements will become a huge mess. The truth is, many of them desire sincere and deep relationships, but their inability to regulate their emotions cause them to act impulsively without considering the consequences and implications of their actions.

My ex actually told me herself that she decided she wanted to marry me on her own in October of last year. At the time, I was cautious about our relationship because we got back together in July and there was a minor incident of her breaking down out of nowhere in August. Well, the rest is history. No wedding. No nothing.

I think it would be very helpful for me as well to find out why I kept reengaging even when he wasn't treating me properly. I know I didn't deserve any of it but I kept letting it happen because I wanted to be with him so bad. And because he would show remorse for his actions, he isn't completely heartless like some of the BPD ex's I have read about on here (thank god) but I don't know if that even makes it much easier.

And my ex wasn't completely heartless either. She did mention, even in writing, that the whole relationship falling apart could be attributed mostly to her. But... .what they say and what they tell others are all very different to what they are actually thinking in their head.

I could tell you the reasons why I wanted to reengage her. I have a bit of the "rescue" tendency. I felt it was my responsibility to stick it through with the person I care about through thick and thin. The difference between that and a healthy approach? I didn't quit when I noticed that she wasn't pulling her own weight in getting help. It was me trying to push a rock up a hill all by myself. When you are the only one pulling, it becomes exhausting.

Part of the reengagement, for me, was also the fact that I value personal relationship dearly; not necessarily in the most healthy way either. I came from a rough family background and the idea of losing relationships not because of what I've done seriously bothers me. Therefore, I do everything I can to hold things together when they should probably left falling apart.

[HurtinNW]

Thank you for welcoming me HurtinNW!

It is like walking on egg shells around them. The most normal of disagreements for a healthy relationship are like a war with your ex. I guess I always have a hard time grasping the concept of them wanting to marry you and have children one second and then the next they don't want any of that. My ex and I even have matching tattoo's unfortunately. But I truly thought (and I'm sure he did too for a period of time) that we were getting married.

I think it would be very helpful for me as well to find out why I kept reengaging even when he wasn't treating me properly. I know I didn't deserve any of it but I kept letting it happen because I wanted to be with him so bad. And because he would show remorse for his actions, he isn't completely heartless like some of the BPD ex's I have read about on here (thank god) but I don't know if that even makes it much easier.

There are some good articles here, including the one on Breaking Up with Someone With Borderline, which talk about how these relationships keep us engaged. I'd highly recommend going through and reading the articles and lessons.

My ex doesn't seem heartless, either. But it remorse is not the same as self-reflection. It is possible for someone to feel bad about making trouble, and yet not really take accountability for their behaviors.

My ex goes from raging to saying he is a failure, is sorry, and so forth. In the past I took this for remorse. But real remorse means identifying how you hurt someone, empathizing with their feelings, and trying to repair the damage. My ex stops at the feeling of regret, which is really about him, not me. He regrets his behaviors only because he isn't getting what he wants at the moment. He knows he is messing up his life but it is all about him.

My therapist has been good at helping me discern the difference between real remorse and what she calls "the drama." For my ex the regret is just part of the same drama. These inflated, catastrophic-sized emotions are his ways of self-soothing. He actually is soothed by staying in this drama bubble of feeling sorry for himself.

My own reasons for staying engaged:

I am fiercely loyal

I don't give up easy

I was madly in love with him

I thought he was my soul mate

I am afraid to be alone

I am afraid no one will ever love me

I am afraid what my ex said about me is true

I was dismantled by his abuse and started to believe it

I wanted to return to the early days of being idealized

I was abused as a child and the relationship reenacted that abuse

I was repeating the same dynamics of my family

I was hoping for a different ending

So for me the reasons include our specific relationship dynamics as well as my personal issues. It's been very helpful to start to understand these reasons.

[myselfandi]

And my ex wasn't completely heartless either. She did mention, even in writing, that the whole relationship falling apart could be attributed mostly to her. But... .what they say and what they tell others are all very different to what they are actually thinking in their head.

I could tell you the reasons why I wanted to reengage her. I have a bit of the "rescue" tendency. I felt it was my responsibility to stick it through with the person I care about through thick and thin. The difference between that and a healthy approach? I didn't quit when I noticed that she wasn't pulling her own weight in getting help. It was me trying to push a rock up a hill all by myself. When you are the only one pulling, it becomes exhausting.

Yeah... .even when his family and friends ask about me. He says "I love her with all my heart, I have nothing bad to say about her" which confuses everyone in his life! When I talked to him yesterday he said he hates how hard this is because nothing significantly bad happened in our relationship to make it easier for either of us to move on. Which still isn't true, because he did so many awful things to me yet I still stuck by his side through it all. I just never did anything awful to him. I was really good to him.

I have the same rescue tendency as you. I kept wanting to save him because he would tell me all of the sad emotions he was feeling and it tugged at my heart strings. I didn't want him to feel sad and defeated and just all around hopeless. And yes, pushing that rock up the hill all by yourself is completely exhausting. He hasn't been taking the steps to better his mental health (even though he has an official diagnosis). I think he will keep coasting through life hoping that one day all of the bad thoughts will go away.

[myselfandi]

There are some good articles here, including the one on Breaking Up with Someone With Borderline, which talk about how these relationships keep us engaged. I'd highly recommend going through and reading the articles and lessons.

My ex doesn't seem heartless, either. But it remorse is not the same as self-reflection. It is possible for someone to feel bad about making trouble, and yet not really take accountability for their behaviors.

My ex goes from raging to saying he is a failure, is sorry, and so forth. In the past I took this for remorse. But real remorse means identifying how you hurt someone, empathizing with their feelings, and trying to repair the damage. My ex stops at the feeling of regret, which is really about him, not me. He regrets his behaviors only because he isn't getting what he wants at the moment. He knows he is messing up his life but it is all about him.

My therapist has been good at helping me discern the difference between real remorse and what she calls "the drama." For my ex the regret is just part of the same drama. These inflated, catastrophic-sized emotions are his ways of self-soothing. He actually is soothed by staying in this drama bubble of feeling sorry for himself.

My own reasons for staying engaged:

I am fiercely loyal

I don't give up easy

I was madly in love with him

I thought he was my soul mate

I am afraid to be alone

I am afraid no one will ever love me

I am afraid what my ex said about me is true

I was dismantled by his abuse and started to believe it

I wanted to return to the early days of being idealized

I was abused as a child and the relationship reenacted that abuse

I was repeating the same dynamics of my family

I was hoping for a different ending

So for me the reasons include our specific relationship dynamics as well as my personal issues. It's been very helpful to start to understand these reasons.

Me ex did the exact same thing. He would go into a rage and then when he came out of it he would apologize profusely but never actually made the changes to get better. The most he did was go to one counselling session and then got an official diagnosis after having the craziest suicidal rage moment. But even after that he never went to see a recommended therapist. They just say sorry and then hope it will all go away after that. They promise they won't do it again or they will try harder to not have emotional outbursts and be hurtful. But like we have all said, actions speak louder then words. He always has gotten me with his words.

I stayed engaged for many of the same reasons as you. But at the end of the day our fierce loyalty should be going to someone who is going to give it right back. We deserve someone to fight for us.