Residual resentment and anger

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It's been almost a year since my break-up. The other day I was thinking about it all and I realised how this is definitely the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I guess it was the sudden nature of the whole ordeal - from him saying "you're the love of my life" to him being engaged to someone else within six weeks of the breakup. It all happened so quickly and without warning My therapist described it aptly other day when she said that my ex is like the living dead - he's alive, but he's a stranger to me. He may as well have died a year ago, because I don't know who he is anymore.

My issue right now is the resentment and anger. I'm only just starting to get back on my feet and it's hard. I'm having to rebuild my life from scratch; him and I were due to move back to my home country to start a business and the new chapter of our lives together. That all went out of the window and I was left trying to figure out what I was supposed to do with my life. All because of him and no fault of my own. My replacement gets an instant marriage after I was with him for three years. I know this is largely cultural, too, but it doesn't stop me from feeling so angry about it.

I'm resentful that I'm in this position and I'm angry at him for seemingly having got away with it all. I know it's irrational in a way because I have no way in knowing how he's feeling, how he's actually been all these months, what's gone on behind the scenes. But on a surface level, he's married, is working again, rebuilding his life. I'm still at square one. I cannot concentrate, I'm not as enthusiastic as I was before and everything takes ten times the amount of effort. I'm living with my family because I cannot afford to live alone at the moment. I honestly don't know what I want from my life.

I am trying to take each day as it comes, but I'm also frustrated. It just feels so difficult at the moment, I guess. I'm not too sure what I'm asking for here - maybe how you guys deal with the anger that's left in these situations? How you turn that attention back onto yourself even when it's the last thing you want to be doing? How you deal with the betrayal and sense of injustice? How do you rebuild a life when you don't even know what you want anymore?

Hopeful

[Hopeful83]

It's been almost a year since my break-up. The other day I was thinking about it all and I realised how this is definitely the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I guess it was the sudden nature of the whole ordeal - from him saying "you're the love of my life" to him being engaged to someone else within six weeks of the breakup. It all happened so quickly and without warning My therapist described it aptly other day when she said that my ex is like the living dead - he's alive, but he's a stranger to me. He may as well have died a year ago, because I don't know who he is anymore.

My issue right now is the resentment and anger. I'm only just starting to get back on my feet and it's hard. I'm having to rebuild my life from scratch; him and I were due to move back to my home country to start a business and the new chapter of our lives together. That all went out of the window and I was left trying to figure out what I was supposed to do with my life. All because of him and no fault of my own. My replacement gets an instant marriage after I was with him for three years. I know this is largely cultural, too, but it doesn't stop me from feeling so angry about it.

I'm resentful that I'm in this position and I'm angry at him for seemingly having got away with it all. I know it's irrational in a way because I have no way in knowing how he's feeling, how he's actually been all these months, what's gone on behind the scenes. But on a surface level, he's married, is working again, rebuilding his life. I'm still at square one. I cannot concentrate, I'm not as enthusiastic as I was before and everything takes ten times the amount of effort. I'm living with my family because I cannot afford to live alone at the moment. I honestly don't know what I want from my life.

I am trying to take each day as it comes, but I'm also frustrated. It just feels so difficult at the moment, I guess. I'm not too sure what I'm asking for here - maybe how you guys deal with the anger that's left in these situations? How you turn that attention back onto yourself even when it's the last thing you want to be doing? How you deal with the betrayal and sense of injustice? How do you rebuild a life when you don't even know what you want anymore?

Hopeful

[Hadlee]

I basically changed direction in my life.  New career, new hobbies and new friends.  It took a year for me to get to that point, but I got there.  During that year before I let go of the past, I was in a lot of pain, was bitter, confused, and angry.  I worked through those emotions - sat with them, felt them then let them go.

Once I had dealt with a lot of the pain I was in, things became clearer and a little easier.  I started to see a future again.  At that point I began digging deep within and focusing on my dreams.  I asked myself what my dream life looked like then I had my answer.  So, I went for it

Anger will still try and rear it's ugly head at times, but not very often.  I don't give it attention anymore.  My new life is too important now.  Life is too short and there is a big wide world out there to explore

As I move forward on my new path I am also slowly, but surely, deleting mutual friends out of my life (especially on Facebook).  I'm dealing with a little bit of guilt for doing that, however it just feels right.  I don't need any reminders of the past... .a past that was filled with unpleasant memories.

I think once you get to the point where you REALLY believe you deserve better is when you can start to rebuild.  It's a process and a damn long one at that.

Look after you  

[Nuitari]

I don't really have any helpful advice for you, mainly because I am in a similar situation. I just wanted to let you know that I can relate to your story in a big way. I lost my job because of my relationship with my ex. I've always been a very career oriented person, and I had a job that I truly loved. I counted myself luck that I was one of few who had a job they genuinely enjoyed doing every day. It was a passion of mine. My ex came along, and its as if I completely lost sight of who I was. I fell for her hard. I was ready to throw everything away for her. I ultimately did, and then she got to simply walk away while I lost everything. She used to look at me like I was her entire world. I'll never understand how someone can completely wreck the life of a person they claimed to love, and then walk away. I also had to move back with my family. I have a part-time job now, which I am grateful for, but it still isn't enough to get me back on my feet. Like you, I have to rebuild my life from the ground up. I can also relate to the anger and resentment. That's been the hardest part for me, the sense of injustice. I felt like I had found a soulmate. She let me believe we were going to have a future together, but instead I lost everything. Its been over a year, and I'm still slowly waking up to realization of everything that's happened. I still haven't processed it properly. I was dropped on my head and I'm seeing the stars, if that makes sense. None of it feels "real" to me yet.

I really wish I had some constructive advice for you. I just wanted to let you know your not alone.

[Hopeful83]

I basically changed direction in my life.  New career, new hobbies and new friends.  It took a year for me to get to that point, but I got there.  During that year before I let go of the past, I was in a lot of pain, was bitter, confused, and angry.  I worked through those emotions - sat with them, felt them then let them go.

Once I had dealt with a lot of the pain I was in, things became clearer and a little easier.  I started to see a future again.  At that point I began digging deep within and focusing on my dreams.  I asked myself what my dream life looked like then I had my answer.  So, I went for it

Anger will still try and rear it's ugly head at times, but not very often.  I don't give it attention anymore.  My new life is too important now.  Life is too short and there is a big wide world out there to explore

As I move forward on my new path I am also slowly, but surely, deleting mutual friends out of my life (especially on Facebook).  I'm dealing with a little bit of guilt for doing that, however it just feels right.  I don't need any reminders of the past... .a past that was filled with unpleasant memories.

I think once you get to the point where you REALLY believe you deserve better is when you can start to rebuild.  It's a process and a damn long one at that.

Look after you  

Thank you so much for sharing your story, busygall. It's so nice (and empowering) to read stories like yours, and you sound like you're in a much better place right now in more aspects than one.

I guess I'm at that point where most the pain has gone, so it's only natural I start looking at my life and what I want, and it's overwhelmed me. I've been so blinded by pain and self-doubt for all these months that I was numb to everything else. I guess the brain can only take to much! So now it's like: "okay, we've dealt with that pile of horsesh*t, now let's take care of you."

It's overwhelming to try and decide what you want from life again, though. I was having doubts about my career while him and I were still together, so this is nothing new. I guess it's a good opportunity to really take stock and decide on a route forward. I like the idea of thinking of my dream life and working backwards so to speak to figure out the steps I need to take.

I don't know, maybe I still have some healing to do.

Hopeful

P.s. what you said about deleting mutual friends on FB made me smile, as I did a cull the other day. I couldn't bring myself to months back but now I thought *SOD this now*.

[Hopeful83]

I don't really have any helpful advice for you, mainly because I am in a similar situation. I just wanted to let you know that I can relate to your story in a big way. I lost my job because of my relationship with my ex. I've always been a very career oriented person, and I had a job that I truly loved. I counted myself luck that I was one of few who had a job they genuinely enjoyed doing every day. It was a passion of mine. My ex came along, and its as if I completely lost sight of who I was. I fell for her hard. I was ready to throw everything away for her. I ultimately did, and then she got to simply walk away while I lost everything. She used to look at me like I was her entire world. I'll never understand how someone can completely wreck the life of a person they claimed to love, and then walk away. I also had to move back with my family. I have a part-time job now, which I am grateful for, but it still isn't enough to get me back on my feet. Like you, I have to rebuild my life from the ground up. I can also relate to the anger and resentment. That's been the hardest part for me, the sense of injustice. I felt like I had found a soulmate. She let me believe we were going to have a future together, but instead I lost everything. Its been over a year, and I'm still slowly waking up to realization of everything that's happened. I still haven't processed it properly. I was dropped on my head and I'm seeing the stars, if that makes sense. None of it feels "real" to me yet.

I really wish I had some constructive advice for you. I just wanted to let you know your not alone.

Hey Nuitari 

Thanks for sharing your story - it really helps to know others feel the same and go through similar experiences.

It makes sense that none of it feels 'real' yet. I use the word 'surreal' in therapy a lot and my understanding is that it's one of the brain's mechanisms to protect you. It's an overwhelming amount to process, so it's no wonder that it takes time for it all to sink in. There have been a couple of times over the last 12 months where I've seen the line between sanity and insanity quite clearly - it's difficult to describe, but yeah there have been times that it's been so overwhelming for my mind that I've felt myself slipping away, and that was a scary place to be in. Glad that that's over with and I hope to never see that 'place' ever again in my life.

"I'll never understand how someone can completely wreck the life of a person they claimed to love, and then walk away."

Yeah, I struggle with this, too. All our situations are similar and yet so unique, too. We'll never fully understand what happened and why they did what they did - and that's something I've had to try and accept. It's difficult to let go of, but ultimately we really only continue to do ourselves harm when we question every single aspect of the situation. I'm sure they wouldn't even be able to answer why they did what they did to us, so how can we even begin to fathom it? It's hard, though - I like to be able to make sense of the things that happen to me, and this is one thing I'll never be able to make full sense of.

Best of luck with your journey and I hope things start to fall into place for you soon.

[Ahoy]

I don't really have any helpful advice for you, mainly because I am in a similar situation. I just wanted to let you know that I can relate to your story in a big way. I lost my job because of my relationship with my ex. I've always been a very career oriented person, and I had a job that I truly loved. I counted myself luck that I was one of few who had a job they genuinely enjoyed doing every day. It was a passion of mine. My ex came along, and its as if I completely lost sight of who I was. I fell for her hard. I was ready to throw everything away for her. I ultimately did, and then she got to simply walk away while I lost everything. She used to look at me like I was her entire world. I'll never understand how someone can completely wreck the life of a person they claimed to love, and then walk away. I also had to move back with my family. I have a part-time job now, which I am grateful for, but it still isn't enough to get me back on my feet. Like you, I have to rebuild my life from the ground up. I can also relate to the anger and resentment. That's been the hardest part for me, the sense of injustice. I felt like I had found a soulmate. She let me believe we were going to have a future together, but instead I lost everything. Its been over a year, and I'm still slowly waking up to realization of everything that's happened. I still haven't processed it properly. I was dropped on my head and I'm seeing the stars, if that makes sense. None of it feels "real" to me yet.

I really wish I had some constructive advice for you. I just wanted to let you know your not alone.

Hey Nuitari 

Thanks for sharing your story - it really helps to know others feel the same and go through similar experiences.

It makes sense that none of it feels 'real' yet. I use the word 'surreal' in therapy a lot and my understanding is that it's one of the brain's mechanisms to protect you. It's an overwhelming amount to process, so it's no wonder that it takes time for it all to sink in. There have been a couple of times over the last 12 months where I've seen the line between sanity and insanity quite clearly - it's difficult to describe, but yeah there have been times that it's been so overwhelming for my mind that I've felt myself slipping away, and that was a scary place to be in. Glad that that's over with and I hope to never see that 'place' ever again in my life.

"I'll never understand how someone can completely wreck the life of a person they claimed to love, and then walk away."

Yeah, I struggle with this, too. All our situations are similar and yet so unique, too. We'll never fully understand what happened and why they did what they did - and that's something I've had to try and accept. It's difficult to let go of, but ultimately we really only continue to do ourselves harm when we question every single aspect of the situation. I'm sure they wouldn't even be able to answer why they did what they did to us, so how can we even begin to fathom it? It's hard, though - I like to be able to make sense of the things that happen to me, and this is one thing I'll never be able to make full sense of.

Best of luck with your journey and I hope things start to fall into place for you soon.

This struck a chord with me. My job requires me to be logical and after 8 years at it, I feel I have become a reasonable logical person.

So of course when things started to tank I thought "no worries at all, I'll just explain everything clearly and orderly and everything will be fine!"

WRONG! None of what happened on her part made sense to me, it does now in a 'you can't pally logic to the illogical' kind of way.

The point is, surreal is a word I use a lot too, I think my logic driven brain needs to delve into her psyche and truly learn why she did what she did. I get caught in these 'thought loops' maybe they are ruminations  but I think it's just my brain still trying to understand.

Thankfully I'm 13 weeks out and I'm coping much better, these thoughts still occur daily, mostly at the start/end of the day. I can't wait to be 12 months out, I think I'm just patiently waiting for my brain to accept ill never truly understand and move on!

[Leonis]

It's been almost a year since my break-up. The other day I was thinking about it all and I realised how this is definitely the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I guess it was the sudden nature of the whole ordeal - from him saying "you're the love of my life" to him being engaged to someone else within six weeks of the breakup.

Mine said the same thing this February; about how she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. Then, something miniscule tipped her over the edge beginning of April. Now, the family thinks I apparently "coerced" her back into the relationship last July after our first breakup by "harassing" the entire family.

How you turn that attention back onto yourself even when it's the last thing you want to be doing? How you deal with the betrayal and sense of injustice? How do you rebuild a life when you don't even know what you want anymore?

I looked back on my hobbies. I want to make progress on things. Working in the medical field, I have to keep up with my certification if I want to keep my job. As for the betrayal, I can only forgive because her situation is truly pitiful. There are few things as sad as going through your entire life being (willfully) ignorant to the reasons why none of your intimate relationships are working.

I hope you've had goals in your life before you dated your BPDex. I'm only 27, so I still want to further my career in the field of pathology whether it be medical school or pathology assistant school. In addition, I'm also into fitness and somewhat competitive gaming (paradoxical, I know). In a way, you could say I'm drowning myself in things I like to do to numb the pain.

[Hopeful83]

This struck a chord with me. My job requires me to be logical and after 8 years at it, I feel I have become a reasonable logical person.

So of course when things started to tank I thought "no worries at all, I'll just explain everything clearly and orderly and everything will be fine!"

WRONG! None of what happened on her part made sense to me, it does now in a 'you can't pally logic to the illogical' kind of way.

The point is, surreal is a word I use a lot too, I think my logic driven brain needs to delve into her psyche and truly learn why she did what she did. I get caught in these 'thought loops' maybe they are ruminations  but I think it's just my brain still trying to understand.

Thankfully I'm 13 weeks out and I'm coping much better, these thoughts still occur daily, mostly at the start/end of the day. I can't wait to be 12 months out, I think I'm just patiently waiting for my brain to accept ill never truly understand and move on!

Yeah, I identify with this - my logic just cannot comprehend it, because it truly makes no sense. We talk of red flags so to speak, but these things happen (in my experience anyway) at such a distance from one another that it's hard to connect the dots. I don't intend to self-blame for what happened, although I do know now I would never ever put up with someone raging at me - but could I have predicted from his rages that he'd do what he did? Not in a million years.

I guess it boils down to those dreaded words: letting go. Letting go scares me, but I prefer to think of it as a yoga teacher once described it in a class I attended. She said it helps to think of letting go as just leaving things as they are, without judgment. Just leaving them be. I guess I'm scared of things no longer existing, of them just vanishing (just like essentially he did). It's always been an issue of mine. Leaving them be suggests they're still there, but you're just leaving them alone. I prefer thinking of it like that.

[Hopeful83]

I looked back on my hobbies. I want to make progress on things. Working in the medical field, I have to keep up with my certification if I want to keep my job. As for the betrayal, I can only forgive because her situation is truly pitiful. There are few things as sad as going through your entire life being (willfully) ignorant to the reasons why none of your intimate relationships are working.

I hope you've had goals in your life before you dated your BPDex. I'm only 27, so I still want to further my career in the field of pathology whether it be medical school or pathology assistant school. In addition, I'm also into fitness and somewhat competitive gaming (paradoxical, I know). In a way, you could say I'm drowning myself in things I like to do to numb the pain

Yeah, I buried myself in reading loads of books and doing yoga. I did have goals before him. For the past two months, though, I just haven't been interested in much. It's only now that I'm starting to reawaken so to speak and try to put everything back together, and it's hard. It's easier to just go back to bed and try to forget - in the short term. In the long term it puts you back a step, every single day, which is why I've started showing up at my desk and I'm trying to do little bits, day by day. Just difficult to stay focus and i hate that everything takes me longer than it used to. I guess I need to accept where I am on my journey and carry on showing up until it gets easier.



There are few things as sad as going through your entire life being (willfully) ignorant to the reasons why none of your intimate relationships are working.



Very true. Logically, I know that in the long run I'll be way better off than he is. It's just hard to always think of things logically I guess.

Thanks for sharing - it really does help.

[Ahoy]

It's been almost a year since my break-up. The other day I was thinking about it all and I realised how this is definitely the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I guess it was the sudden nature of the whole ordeal - from him saying "you're the love of my life" to him being engaged to someone else within six weeks of the breakup.

Mine said the same thing this February; about how she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. Then, something miniscule tipped her over the edge beginning of April. Now, the family thinks I apparently "coerced" her back into the relationship last July after our first breakup by "harassing" the entire family.

How you turn that attention back onto yourself even when it's the last thing you want to be doing? How you deal with the betrayal and sense of injustice? How do you rebuild a life when you don't even know what you want anymore?

I looked back on my hobbies. I want to make progress on things. Working in the medical field, I have to keep up with my certification if I want to keep my job. As for the betrayal, I can only forgive because her situation is truly pitiful. There are few things as sad as going through your entire life being (willfully) ignorant to the reasons why none of your intimate relationships are working.

I hope you've had goals in your life before you dated your BPDex. I'm only 27, so I still want to further my career in the field of pathology whether it be medical school or pathology assistant school. In addition, I'm also into fitness and somewhat competitive gaming (paradoxical, I know). In a way, you could say I'm drowning myself in things I like to do to numb the pain.

I'm going to disagree, I'm into fitness and gaming (and drinking full strength coke, even more paradoxical?) but I find doing both can indeed be very distracting, however I'm also of the opinion that they can both be very useful tools in helping process our relationships in a semi-distracted kind of way.

For example, going for a long run. This does cause me to think of my ex, zoning out thinking about it helps pass time and hit that 'zone' where I'm not thinking about how far I have to go. I just make sure I'm listening to motivational music so I use these thoughts to think about the future and how better off I am.

Gaming? when I first split I played the entire dragon age inquisition campaign (70+ hours) it was captivating but it also let me grieve at my own pace without causing me to become completely overcome with all the emotion!

[Ahoy]

Yeah, I identify with this - my logic just cannot comprehend it, because it truly makes no sense. We talk of red flags so to speak, but these things happen (in my experience anyway) at such a distance from one another that it's hard to connect the dots. I don't intend to self-blame for what happened, although I do know now I would never ever put up with someone raging at me - but could I have predicted from his rages that he'd do what he did? Not in a million years.

I guess it boils down to those dreaded words: letting go. Letting go scares me, but I prefer to think of it as a yoga teacher once described it in a class I attended. She said it helps to think of letting go as just leaving things as they are, without judgment. Just leaving them be. I guess I'm scared of things no longer existing, of them just vanishing (just like essentially he did). It's always been an issue of mine. Leaving them be suggests they're still there, but you're just leaving them alone. I prefer thinking of it like that.

Thanks for this little nugget of insight! I find thinking of it this way to be much better off than how I think of letting go now. Letting go to me right now is equated to walking down the airport terminal to catch a flight, knowing i'll never see that person again, never turning my head to look back at them.

Leaving it as it is. Great stuff. Work on my part in this relationship, learn from my mistakes and then leave it be. I've learned a lot tonight!

[Hopeful83]

Yeah, I identify with this - my logic just cannot comprehend it, because it truly makes no sense. We talk of red flags so to speak, but these things happen (in my experience anyway) at such a distance from one another that it's hard to connect the dots. I don't intend to self-blame for what happened, although I do know now I would never ever put up with someone raging at me - but could I have predicted from his rages that he'd do what he did? Not in a million years.

I guess it boils down to those dreaded words: letting go. Letting go scares me, but I prefer to think of it as a yoga teacher once described it in a class I attended. She said it helps to think of letting go as just leaving things as they are, without judgment. Just leaving them be. I guess I'm scared of things no longer existing, of them just vanishing (just like essentially he did). It's always been an issue of mine. Leaving them be suggests they're still there, but you're just leaving them alone. I prefer thinking of it like that.

Thanks for this little nugget of insight! I find thinking of it this way to be much better off than how I think of letting go now. Letting go to me right now is equated to walking down the airport terminal to catch a flight, knowing i'll never see that person again, never turning my head to look back at them.

Leaving it as it is. Great stuff. Work on my part in this relationship, learn from my mistakes and then leave it be. I've learned a lot tonight!

So glad to hear it. Yeah, it made more sense to me, too. I prefer to just think of leaving things be rather than letting go. Sounds very terminal when you put it that way I suppose and I've never been too good at seeing it that way.