Progress Report

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's a week since the strange Facebook interactions with my ex's family, which ultimately ended up with me blocking them. I noticed that my ex also blocked me on Facebook because I can no longer see our archived conversations. Whether or not she blocked my email and phone, I don't care to find out.

Brief background: broken engagement that took over a month (mid-April to end of last month) to resolve. NC for a week now.

Been trying my best to keep myself busy. I believe I'm stuck somewhere between stage two and stage three of the detachment process. When I'm distracted by my hobbies, friends, etc. I feel okay, especially after the revelation that her family would believe that I forced my ex to come back and date me last summer when she first broke up with me by using the family as leverage; thus, indicating the issue wasn't just confined to my ex alone.

However, whenever I have downtime or even laying in bed, I start to feel this void that's darker than black. It defies all logic. My emotions cannot agree with the conclusion that I actually dodged a bullet. I felt like I was losing sleep even after allocating 7-8 hours to rest. I felt worse than the days when I get 4 hours of sleep before all this went down.

[Leonis]

It's a week since the strange Facebook interactions with my ex's family, which ultimately ended up with me blocking them. I noticed that my ex also blocked me on Facebook because I can no longer see our archived conversations. Whether or not she blocked my email and phone, I don't care to find out.

Brief background: broken engagement that took over a month (mid-April to end of last month) to resolve. NC for a week now.

Been trying my best to keep myself busy. I believe I'm stuck somewhere between stage two and stage three of the detachment process. When I'm distracted by my hobbies, friends, etc. I feel okay, especially after the revelation that her family would believe that I forced my ex to come back and date me last summer when she first broke up with me by using the family as leverage; thus, indicating the issue wasn't just confined to my ex alone.

However, whenever I have downtime or even laying in bed, I start to feel this void that's darker than black. It defies all logic. My emotions cannot agree with the conclusion that I actually dodged a bullet. I felt like I was losing sleep even after allocating 7-8 hours to rest. I felt worse than the days when I get 4 hours of sleep before all this went down.

[NCEA]

I can relate. I've been like this for 3 months before me and the ex started talking again and the depression vanished from one moment to the next. It was incredible. 3 months of low sleep and sadness and a void - gone , after a 15 min conversation.

My name here is NCEA because that's what I was going for before that convo. Now I'm thinking if the depression is so bad, it's better be LC and stay friends and just move on with your life.

I know it might be hard to believe but sooner than later you'll meet someone else. We should accept that we'll always love our exs, even 5 years from now. I still think daily about my 9 years ex, that ended five years ago.

[Leonis]

My depression comes and go. If I don't have something to occupy myself at the moment, my heart sinks. I don't have the urges to cry, but just an uncomfortable heavy heart.

This is one of those times I wish I was either an emotionless badass or simply a jerk who just doesn't care.

[NCEA]

Yes. Heart sinks, a void, feeling I've lost my other half. It's amazing how we all describe the same feelings.

[Leonis]

Yes. Heart sinks, a void, feeling I've lost my other half. It's amazing how we all describe the same feelings.

The scary part is, I not only miss her emotionally, but also physically. I'm afraid this may not go down well if she manages to contact me in the near future. In a few months, maybe I'm more composed by then.

[Moselle]

Leonis it sounds like you're in a tough spot. Hang in there, keep working at it. It does get better

[Leonis]

I think the hardest part at the moment for me is resisting the urge to contact her.

I keep thinking that during my days off, starting Monday, I want to send a text to her. However, that's probably not a good idea.

[Moselle]

No its not a good idea at all.

You mentioned below tbat you dodged a bullet. Are you about to jump up and say to the gunman.  " Hey I'm over here. Take another shot". I dont think so

I know its hard, but move on to healthier things.

[Leonis]

No its not a good idea at all.

You mentioned below tbat you dodged a bullet. Are you about to jump up and say to the gunman.  " Hey I'm over here. Take another shot". I dont think so

I know its hard, but move on to healthier things.

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm beginning to turn into a masochist?

[C.Stein]

My emotions cannot agree with the conclusion that I actually dodged a bullet.

I still feel this way at 10 months at times, although I am much closer to accepting it.  Perhaps one of the things we have the most trouble with accepting is that we were so blind, either intentional or unintentionally, to what was happening.

[Moselle]

The emotional side takes longer and there is often childhood stuff that needs to be worked on. Can you see a therapist or a counselor about this?

[Leonis]

I'll be blatantly honest. The first time we broke up, I was really upset. Part of me wished our relationship actually went to the physical level. That happened 2 months later, and somehow we ended up back together to broken up an engagement this April.

This time, I'm not sure where I'm going with her. I have to keep myself in check every now and then to make sure I won't do anything I regret.

[Leonis]

Update 6/5/16

She texted me this morning. It was about have a nice day at church. I told her that I got off work a bit late so maybe not today. She wished me well resting. We ended it with talking about me having 9 days off coming up and I wished her having a nice 7 off as well.

[sweet tooth]

However, whenever I have downtime or even laying in bed, I start to feel this void that's darker than black. It defies all logic. My emotions cannot agree with the conclusion that I actually dodged a bullet. I felt like I was losing sleep even after allocating 7-8 hours to rest. I felt worse than the days when I get 4 hours of sleep before all this went down.

This has happened to me, too. I've had periods of lethargy, poor sleep, etc. on and off for 3 months. The worst month was the worst. I was very irritable, depressed, and just unpleasant. I'm usually very pleasant. There was a drastic change.

[Leonis]

And... .she just sent me a picture of how her friend jury-rigged his crockpot. She's at work right now, Sundays are usually slow.

It used to be a thing between us that we send random pictures to each other on Sundays.

[sweet tooth]

And... .she just sent me a picture of how her friend jury-rigged his crockpot. She's at work right now, Sundays are usually slow.

It used to be a thing between us that we send random pictures to each other on Sundays.

How are you feeling? What do you want to do with this?

[Fr4nz]

However, whenever I have downtime or even laying in bed, I start to feel this void that's darker than black. It defies all logic. My emotions cannot agree with the conclusion that I actually dodged a bullet. I felt like I was losing sleep even after allocating 7-8 hours to rest. I felt worse than the days when I get 4 hours of sleep before all this went down.

Sadly... .I can relate. Sometimes, even after more than a whole year of N/C and some dates with wonderful ladies, I still feel this "dark void", especially towards the evening/night.

That's mind-boggling, even though it greatly reduces over time. For me, the worst part happened to be the first 3 months of NC.

As NCEA said, I think we have to come to terms that we will bring with us these feelings (which represent a trauma) for quite some time.

[Leonis]

How are you feeling? What do you want to do with this?

I feel like it's really a conversation without substance. But, I'm just like whatever... .no need say more than needed.

From reading other people's experience, she could be hinting that she's seeing someone or just pulled a picture from one of her friends' Facebook, but who knows.

I'm currently in "watching the world burn" mode as I just feel like jabbing at the hornet's nest to see a reaction.

[NCEA]

My emotions cannot agree with the conclusion that I actually dodged a bullet.

I still feel this way at 10 months at times, although I am much closer to accepting it.  Perhaps one of the things we have the most trouble with accepting is that we were so blind, either intentional or unintentionally, to what was happening.

I felt the same for 3 months. Then we started talking again and she was / is mostly fine, but then at times... .when she's in the mood I'd hear a voice telling me "this wouldn't work in a million years". We had sex about two weeks ago for the first time in almost a year and I clearly remember telling myself "she's crazy"... .We were both pretty drunk after a night out at the Cannes film festival.

In the past three months I told "our story" to three different female friends. They started CRYING (for real) and then asking me "why are you doing this to yourself?"

My answer to them was a story of something that happened between us last year, during the first 9 days we spent together (24/7 for 9 days). At one point we've put our palms in front of each other withOUT touching. I suddenly felt warmth all the way to my shoulder. My entire arm was burning and of course, she felt it too.

I'm not really a spiritual person and if someone else would tell me this story I'd say he's nuts and out of his mind... .but it happened to me. It was magnetism, for real. We had it too when we just put our lips really close to each other but not touch.

I think that this crazy attraction and not really being able to understand it is what gets the both of us so worked up with each other, which results in tension, which results in her running away from me.

[sweet tooth]

My emotions cannot agree with the conclusion that I actually dodged a bullet.

I still feel this way at 10 months at times, although I am much closer to accepting it.  Perhaps one of the things we have the most trouble with accepting is that we were so blind, either intentional or unintentionally, to what was happening.

I felt the same for 3 months. Then we started talking again and she was / is mostly fine, but then at times... .when she's in the mood I'd hear a voice telling me "this wouldn't work in a million years". We had sex about two weeks ago for the first time in almost a year and I clearly remember telling myself "she's crazy"... .We were both pretty drunk after a night out at the Cannes film festival.

In the past three months I told "our story" to three different female friends. They started CRYING (for real) and then asking me "why are you doing this to yourself?"

My answer to them was a story of something that happened between us last year, during the first 9 days we spent together (24/7 for 9 days). At one point we've put our palms in front of each other withOUT touching. I suddenly felt warmth all the way to my shoulder. My entire arm was burning and of course, she felt it too.

I'm not really a spiritual person and if someone else would tell me this story I'd say he's nuts and out of his mind... .but it happened to me. It was magnetism, for real. We had it too when we just put our lips really close to each other but not touch.

I think that this crazy attraction and not really being able to understand it is what gets the both of us so worked up with each other, which results in tension, which results in her running away from me.

That magnetism you spoke of is called "chi" or "qi/ki." Look it up. It's big in Eastern cultures.

I've had that feeling happen without another person. It's not necessarily sexual or a form of attraction. If you were to actually touch each other it would have actually cut the Ki off.

[NCEA]

My emotions cannot agree with the conclusion that I actually dodged a bullet.

I still feel this way at 10 months at times, although I am much closer to accepting it.  Perhaps one of the things we have the most trouble with accepting is that we were so blind, either intentional or unintentionally, to what was happening.

I felt the same for 3 months. Then we started talking again and she was / is mostly fine, but then at times... .when she's in the mood I'd hear a voice telling me "this wouldn't work in a million years". We had sex about two weeks ago for the first time in almost a year and I clearly remember telling myself "she's crazy"... .We were both pretty drunk after a night out at the Cannes film festival.

In the past three months I told "our story" to three different female friends. They started CRYING (for real) and then asking me "why are you doing this to yourself?"

My answer to them was a story of something that happened between us last year, during the first 9 days we spent together (24/7 for 9 days). At one point we've put our palms in front of each other withOUT touching. I suddenly felt warmth all the way to my shoulder. My entire arm was burning and of course, she felt it too.

I'm not really a spiritual person and if someone else would tell me this story I'd say he's nuts and out of his mind... .but it happened to me. It was magnetism, for real. We had it too when we just put our lips really close to each other but not touch.

I think that this crazy attraction and not really being able to understand it is what gets the both of us so worked up with each other, which results in tension, which results in her running away from me.

That magnetism you spoke of is called "chi" or "qi/ki." Look it up. It's big in Eastern cultures.

I've had that feeling happen without another person. It's not necessarily sexual or a form of attraction. If you were to actually touch each other it would have actually cut the Ki off.

Yes. Well a few months later, when it was off/on with this same girl, I went out to a night club and just walked up to girls and asked them to put up their palm like that.

Almost all of them "got it" (what I wanted to check) and put their palms up and if there was no "heat" I'd say "thanks, have a nice evening" and leave.

I did this maybe 10 times until with this one girl I felt it, and she felt it too, but weakly. We started talking but it was off and I left after about 3-5 minutes. We discussed how we could both feel some warmth but not too much.

I'm NOT a spiritual guy AT ALL but this is all a real story. I think this should be some kind of a speed dating system where you just test for chemistry with putting your palms real close and seeing if you feel anything.

[Leonis]

She just texted me about how I'm doing with studying for the MCAT, etc.

Guess she is bored and kept up by her roommate's family visiting. She's supposed to be at work by 5am.

[Leonis]

She just texted me about how I'm doing with studying for the MCAT, etc.

Guess she is bored and kept up by her roommate's family visiting. She's supposed to be at work by 5am.

Anyways... .so the conversation gradually carried on into:

1. What I am going to do for my 9 days off

2. If I was moving because she's thinking about moving out of her current place (does this sounds like severing ties with "friends"?)

3. If I changed my schedule

Prodding for info. I sense a recycling coming up. Or... .she's just surprised that I didn't make a fuss to her after the nonsense her siblings pulled on me last week.

[Leonis]

Update 6/7/16

Well, met up. Had lunch. Hopped in bed together. Things were great until we started talking about the past. It's like I witnessed the whole cycle in about 8 hours.

[Fr4nz]

Typical BPD :D

[Leonis]

Typical BPD :D

Basically, she got really mad as we talked about the past, especially the recent event that involved her siblings. It's just kind of funny how she still chose to have sex, etc. with me beforehand.

So, it turns out that I wasn't really an "angry" person. She just hates how apparently "negative" I am because I tended to not have positive comments about work, etc. She conveniently dismissed all the fun things that we did on the grounds that my first comment is usually not something positive about life (seriously, that's nitpicky). I asked her why didn't she just tell me upfront that she didn't like the way I carried conversations? Of course, she made excuses such as it took a while to figure out what it was and insisted that she mentioned it before. Of which, I asked her if she actually brought up in a serious conversation or one of those side comments?

At the end of the day, are you kidding me? Why the hell are you so freaking FRAGILE? Wow, my partner made a negative comment. Let me just not tell him so I can hold it against him later by breaking it up.

Again, she pointed out how I wasn't "gentleman" enough to pay for things, etc. over the instances where I didn't pay for things. I hate it when some women do that. "Are you sure you are okay with paying?" of which she's always replied,"yeah, I'm sure". Like really? If you really wanted me to treat you like it's 1950s, let me know because I've had experiences where the woman was offended that I paid for things in full. People just need to bloody communicate what they want in a world of such diversified preferences. he expects people to treat her nice since she treats people nice, but the definition of nice here seems to be some sort of equivalent exchange.

Speaking of money, she claimed that I apparently got mad over she spend $250 on clothes. I don't recall that because I told her she should get some new goods after seeing how well-used her pajamas, etc. were. It would seem contradictory for me to say that and blame her for buying clothes. I even asked if I thought she spent $250 on ONE item, so I misunderstood? She was like no.

Anyways, she was extremely upset about the letter I wrote to her that I also forwarded to her sisters and the Facebook incident involving her brothers. I don't claim what I did there were right, but I made a stand and told her I pretty much had my hand forced. I probably shouldn't have justified, but it did made her angry. She threatened to post something similar once she reactivates her FB after her interviews. And told me examples of stuff she could post. One of them being "cheap". And another being me telling her to abort our first child.

Our "first child" was conceived when she was still on Accutane. It's a known teratogen. Of course, I would rather have her abort it than keeping it. She still insisted the tissues she pushed out was the fetus, but I flat out told her I just took her word for it because I couldn't really tell anyways.

I made a point telling her that why is it that she praised me for my patience with her and expected me to have plenty of it when I wasn't allowed to expect patience from her with me? She gave me the silent treatment.

She drove off angrily and told me that I didn't win the girl. 

As if she was trying to get back together. Good grief! After making comments about how it was so much easier to breakup with me than her previous ex, which involved the police, she goes about making it sound like she was considering reconciliation in order to take a jab at me.

I've always learned that love keeps no record and hold no grudges (1 Cor.13). It's funny how she came from a supposedly religious background and constantly rejected even the good things that can be learned from it since her youth.  I guess I just didn't consider this a red flag while we dated.

[sweet tooth]

It's obvious to me that the two of you do not respect or trust either. Have you ever considered the possibilities that:

1. You are compulsively having sex with her?

2. You are addicted to the drama?

[Leonis]

It's obvious to me that the two of you do not respect or trust either. Have you ever considered the possibilities that:

1. You are compulsively having sex with her?

2. You are addicted to the drama?

I've thought about that. I think you are probably right. Like, I don't know why we both still try to tango with each other.

[sweet tooth]

It's obvious to me that the two of you do not respect or trust either. Have you ever considered the possibilities that:

1. You are compulsively having sex with her?

2. You are addicted to the drama?

I've thought about that. I think you are probably right. Like, I don't know why we both still try to tango with each other.

Well, here are some questions you can ask yourself:

1. What is she providing me that I want/need?

2. What am I providing her that she wants/needs?

3. Is this a healthy dynamic that will ultimately result in happiness? (I think you already know the answer)

4. Do I want this to continue?

5. What part of the dynamic can I change?

It's probably more important at this point to focus on yourself rather than her. I'm saying this because you can't control what she feels, thinks, or does. However, you can change your own thoughts and behaviors.   

[NCEA]

What about them just really loving each other , despite all the problem?