Whoops, Broke NC

[Ahoy]

So my wife cheated twice (as far as I know) Once with my eventual replacement. The other was (I thought) an over-friendly thing that may have turned physical for a night when they were both in another state on holiday together.

I just found out that this other person (not my replacement) was basically in another relationship with her when she was going into town every weekend, getting away from where I lived! It even looks like he had started making plans to follow her interstate to go live with her and then she must have kicked him to the curb because his plans suddenly changed and he stayed put in the town I am moving to soon.

So it wasn't just an overly-friendly friendship thing, it was likely a secret relationship.

So I sent her an email. I just said: "Hey (Name) I know. I know all about (guys name). Who were you (full name)?

Not expecting a reply. Feel dumb. I'm sure it will get me nowhere. Not sure why I did it. I just think I wanted her to know that I'm aware of her indiscretions.

I think I'm more annoyed about this other guy, I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt but he really is a bit of a scumbag knowingly dating a married woman. I'll probably bump into him at least once a fortnight. I'm still working over how I'll deal with it. I'm not a violent person I'll never take the low road like that but I'll sure be working on my evil eye face for when I see him in the supermarket.

I'll also not be hiding his actions. Name and shame. I don't care if it causes gossip. I certainly wont be shouting it from the rooftops, but I won't shy away from my obvious distaste of him.

No further plans to contact my Ex. I know there is no point and it will get me nowhere. She can't answer the million questions i have. Guys just don't be dumb like me.

Cheers,

[thrownforaloop]

Don't feel dumb. I suppose it's better to get it off your chest than to bottle it up. Even if she doesn't respond or responds harshly, at least you got it out. 

Be careful though. When I recently found out my exBPDwife had been pregnant with the other guy's kid while we were still married, I confronted her over text--then she immediately flipped it around and started calling me a liar, drama seeking, crazy, etc. So, be careful of the lies/lashing out that follows!

[Mutt]

Hi Ahoy,



Don't be hard on yourself. Your wife was cheating. I felt betrayed and angry when I found out what I had suspected,  it turned out to be true that my exBPDw was sleeping with another man while I was home taking care of young kids.

I had given her the benefit of the doubt, because we were married with a young family, it didn't make sense to me that she would be impulsive and make a choice that would affect the lives on not just her but the entire family. She shut the door on our marriage, moved out and her boyfriend moved in with her.

I've been in those shoes, I sent my exBPDw emails when they came out, you have a right to feel the way you do.  Your wife made her choices, you didn't make them for her, give yourself a break.

[Leonis]

Was there a reply?

[Ahoy]

Was there a reply?

No reply (figure)

I followed up and said basically that I knew she would lack the courage to reply and it was funny that someone who told me cheating was the one thing she would never forgive yet she did it twice herself.

I scolded her and told her she should feel ashamed of herself and divorce me quickly and cleanly.

I am surprised by my actions, I think I just wanted her to know the jiq was up. No intentions to contact her further, I used my anger to clean out the last traces of her stuff from around my house today, a big deep clean before my move.

I'm not beating myself up for my actions as much as I knew of the futility of them. I just won't do it again

[Hopeful83]

Was there a reply?

No reply (figure)

I followed up and said basically that I knew she would lack the courage to reply and it was funny that someone who told me cheating was the one thing she would never forgive yet she did it twice herself.

I scolded her and told her she should feel ashamed of herself and divorce me quickly and cleanly.

I am surprised by my actions, I think I just wanted her to know the jiq was up. No intentions to contact her further, I used my anger to clean out the last traces of her stuff from around my house today, a big deep clean before my move.

I'm not beating myself up for my actions as much as I knew of the futility of them. I just won't do it again

Glad you're not beating yourself up. I sometimes look back and wonder whether I should have unleashed some of my anger. I took the 'high road' so to speak and cut all contact when all the crap went down, but I realise that I didn't get to release a lot of the anger back when I should have. Sometimes you just *need* to get it up and out, in whatever form that takes (well, within reason - I'm not advocating violence, although I must say my pillow has bore the brunt of my anger )

[Ahoy]

I think breaking NC was actually a good thing. It's been 4 days since I did and I can reflect a bit.

Although I didn't get a reply, I've had so much anger (not all at once) generated from this, it felt really good to unleash a lit of it on my ex and tell her how unimpressed I was.

Now that It's done, the anger has gone away and I feel that the release allowed me to have a semi-decent weekend, I wasn't stewing on what had happened and bottling my emotions up.

I see clearly why holding on to anger is toxic, however expressing some of it (like I did) is healthy.

One last thing, I recognize if I feel further anger down the road, I can't just email my ex again, that's not very fair at all to her, and certainly not healthy for me. I will seek other avenues to express/vent this anger, such as breaking plates or stealing ice cream from small children, you know, healthy expression =)

So in summary, I think NC is still awesome but in my case, this weekend, it needed to be done.