Family situation...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi,

So, I am the eldest son of a mother with BPD. She doesn't believe she has it. I live with her, for various reasons. Mostly, her issues are directed at my dad and stepmother, both of whom she is very angry with, and has been for a long time.

I found out yesterday that my dad has cancer. It's not the worst, but it's not very good, either. I had hoped that knowing this about my dad would help my mum be less angry. But, alas, no. She is still furious with my dad, berating him for telling my youngest brother the nature of his prognosis. It's hard, because my mum's behaviour towards me is very loving and 'normal', but going on behind the scenes is this anger, all the time. So that sucks. It's awful to think that my mum is so damaged in this part of herself that she finds it easier to be angry with my dad than to empathise.

The funny thing is, I can deal with my mum. Finding out this about my dad has made me decide that I'm going to tell her that if she really wants to support me, she'll stop behaving as though she hates my dad. The desire I had to keep the peace and keep my mouth shut has been superseded by knowing that I don't necessarily have a huge amount of time left with my dad, and if I want to get through this, I need my mum to be her best self (which she truly can be, there are parts of her that make her an amazing mum), and so I'm going to ask it of her. Worst comes to worst, she says no, says negative stuff about my dad, we fight, it blows over, and I'm really no worse off.

I actually have the most fears about my stepmum. She definitely doesn't have BPD, but she does have a black-and-white view of things at times. I love her, and I know she loves me. The thing is, the situation with my mum has made my relationship with her very difficult. Her highest value is honesty, and I learned from the age of 13 that being honest could lead to the people I love most being angry with me, so I find honesty very scary, and also not always beneficial. I often avoid telling her things, because I'm so afraid that she will 'problematize' my actions. For example, my youngest brother has a court-ordered phone call with my mum once a week. A while ago, my mum wasn't at home, so I messaged my dad and stepmum to tell them that my brother needed to use my mum's mobile number to talk to her. Anyway, I got a message back from my stepmum asking me not to be a 'go-between' for my mum, suggesting that it was harmful to me to be fulfilling my mum's needs. From my perspective, I was simply conveying information that would allow my mum and brother to have their *usual* phone call, which, like I said is by court-order. However, my stepmum saw it through the lens of my mum's BPD. I'm not surprised at this, because she's never seen the good things about my mum firsthand.

I just feel tired. I don't know what to do. I feel alone and hopeless. I feel like a bad brother, son and stepson. I feel like there's no point in loving anyone, because it just hurts, and even when you love someone, it's not enough.

Does anyone have any advice? I need to make things better as much as I can. I don't want to lose my relationship with my stepmum if my dad dies, because I love her still, and because she's the mum of my two sisters, whom I love so much.

I don't really know what the point of this is, other than to vent a bit and just see if anyone has any insights that might help.

[Invictus14]

Hi,

So, I am the eldest son of a mother with BPD. She doesn't believe she has it. I live with her, for various reasons. Mostly, her issues are directed at my dad and stepmother, both of whom she is very angry with, and has been for a long time.

I found out yesterday that my dad has cancer. It's not the worst, but it's not very good, either. I had hoped that knowing this about my dad would help my mum be less angry. But, alas, no. She is still furious with my dad, berating him for telling my youngest brother the nature of his prognosis. It's hard, because my mum's behaviour towards me is very loving and 'normal', but going on behind the scenes is this anger, all the time. So that sucks. It's awful to think that my mum is so damaged in this part of herself that she finds it easier to be angry with my dad than to empathise.

The funny thing is, I can deal with my mum. Finding out this about my dad has made me decide that I'm going to tell her that if she really wants to support me, she'll stop behaving as though she hates my dad. The desire I had to keep the peace and keep my mouth shut has been superseded by knowing that I don't necessarily have a huge amount of time left with my dad, and if I want to get through this, I need my mum to be her best self (which she truly can be, there are parts of her that make her an amazing mum), and so I'm going to ask it of her. Worst comes to worst, she says no, says negative stuff about my dad, we fight, it blows over, and I'm really no worse off.

I actually have the most fears about my stepmum. She definitely doesn't have BPD, but she does have a black-and-white view of things at times. I love her, and I know she loves me. The thing is, the situation with my mum has made my relationship with her very difficult. Her highest value is honesty, and I learned from the age of 13 that being honest could lead to the people I love most being angry with me, so I find honesty very scary, and also not always beneficial. I often avoid telling her things, because I'm so afraid that she will 'problematize' my actions. For example, my youngest brother has a court-ordered phone call with my mum once a week. A while ago, my mum wasn't at home, so I messaged my dad and stepmum to tell them that my brother needed to use my mum's mobile number to talk to her. Anyway, I got a message back from my stepmum asking me not to be a 'go-between' for my mum, suggesting that it was harmful to me to be fulfilling my mum's needs. From my perspective, I was simply conveying information that would allow my mum and brother to have their *usual* phone call, which, like I said is by court-order. However, my stepmum saw it through the lens of my mum's BPD. I'm not surprised at this, because she's never seen the good things about my mum firsthand.

I just feel tired. I don't know what to do. I feel alone and hopeless. I feel like a bad brother, son and stepson. I feel like there's no point in loving anyone, because it just hurts, and even when you love someone, it's not enough.

Does anyone have any advice? I need to make things better as much as I can. I don't want to lose my relationship with my stepmum if my dad dies, because I love her still, and because she's the mum of my two sisters, whom I love so much.

I don't really know what the point of this is, other than to vent a bit and just see if anyone has any insights that might help.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Invictus14!

I am glad you found us here and have joined our family. Let me just say that I am sorry about the news regarding your dad. That is hard and sad, not only for you but for all around him.

BPDs tend to emotionally react very strongly to any perceived rejection in their lives. It could be that with your mom's distorted thinking, she may be dealing with the thought of your dad's mortality, and thus a sense of her feeling she'll be left alone, even though she isn't married to him any longer. BPDs self sooth in manners that are not very soothing to the rest of us, and they will make anything about themselves so that they maintain attention.

I learned from the age of 13 that being honest could lead to the people I love most being angry with me, so I find honesty very scary, and also not always beneficial. I often avoid telling her things, because I'm so afraid that she will 'problematize' my actions.

Learning to trust other people when you have been raised by a pwBPD is a very tough thing. It takes time to build trust, and since you've been hurt by sharing, naturally you will tend to withdraw and want to protect yourself. I also feel the same way many times, as I was raised by an uBPDm.

I just feel tired. I don't know what to do. I feel alone and hopeless. I feel like a bad brother, son and stepson. I feel like there's no point in loving anyone, because it just hurts, and even when you love someone, it's not enough.

Does anyone have any advice? I need to make things better as much as I can. I don't want to lose my relationship with my stepmum if my dad dies, because I love her still, and because she's the mum of my two sisters, whom I love so much.

If you take time to read some other posts from members here, I think you'll find that you are not alone in your feelings. I fully believed, like you, that everyone I loved would hurt me, and that is a painful place to be. Have you ever thought about talking with a T? Since I've been seeing one, he has helped me tremendously to fight through the sadness, feelings of guilt (FOG), and is helping me learn to trust. Who do you have that is a support to you, a friend to listen to you? Does your dad understand that your mom may have BPD?

Here is a link about dealing with the FOG which may help you:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog



Wools

[Turkish]

I just feel tired. I don't know what to do. I feel alone and hopeless. I feel like a bad brother, son and stepson. I feel like there's no point in loving anyone, because it just hurts, and even when you love someone, it's not enough.

Does anyone have any advice? I need to make things better as much as I can. I don't want to lose my relationship with my stepmum if my dad dies, because I love her still, and because she's the mum of my two sisters, whom I love so much.

It's been said that for every feeling there is a need. You summarized it succinctly here, Invictus14. Aside (or beyond) from what you stated, however, what is your deepest need, apart from the behavior of others in your life?

What do you think of the FOG article that Woolspinner2000 linked?

Turkish