Devaluing and then Discard

[Confused108]

Hi guys! I hope everyone is doing well. I have a quick question . Devaluing is that basically when your BPD starts to see you in a Diffrent light? For example my ex as I said in previous posts found me on FB in 2013. Sent me the friends request and I was stupid and excepted it. Well long and behold she started prasing me blah blah for 2 years. Last June i took her bait. Again stupid me. Well anyway I went from her lover, to her friend maybe more, to her friend , then all hell broke lose and I was discarded. So what my ex BPD did was it a form of devaluing me? Thanks guys!

[Rayban]

These are hyper sensitive people. They could feel the slightest inkling of abandonment . For me, devaluation began when I called her out on her behavior. I became a reminder for her of what ever shes trying to forget.

She needs validation from a new source or sources. Once she has found that, the discard isn't too far away.

[C.Stein]

I see devaluing as a process where someone who once valued you, for whatever reasons, begins to not value you for any reason.  It can take a variety of paths and for a pwBPD I think one big reason for devaluing at the end of the relationship is because perceived need(s). real or not, are not being met in their mind.  You then cease to hold any value and are discarded.  There are also the fears of engulfment and abandonment that play heavily into this.  This is probably just the tip of the ice burg though.

[once removed]

Well anyway I went from her lover, to her friend maybe more, to her friend , then all hell broke lose and I was discarded.

it sounds like the dynamic changed several times in a relatively short period. what kinds of things happened in between? can you elaborate?

[C.Stein]

For me, devaluation began when I called her out on her behavior. I became a reminder for her of what ever shes trying to forget.

You became a mirror of her true self, not the person she wants to believe she is.   In the beginning you validated her "good side" and she successfully hid her "dark side" from you.  When that mask starts to crack the mirror also starts to crack, exposing parts of her dark side that she is desperately trying to hide.  When the mask finally shatters it is all over.  The mirror has gone dark and all she sees is the darkness within herself.  You no longer see only her good side but also her dark side ... .you no longer are a source of validation, a mirror for the good.  You have become an exceptionally painful reminder of what she is trying to hide from.  At that point you begin to lose value and it can happen quickly or over time.  When you are discarded she is not so much running away from you but rather running away from herself.

[2010]

You became a mirror of her true self, not the person she wants to believe she is.  

SHE became a mirror of YOUR false self, the person YOU wanted to believe she is.

In the beginning you validated her "good side" and she successfully hid her "dark side" from you.

In the beginning SHE validated YOUR "false self" and she successfully hid reality from you.

When that mask starts to crack the mirror also starts to crack, exposing parts of her dark side that she is desperately trying to hide.

When YOUR mask starts to crack HER mirror also starts to crack, exposing parts of YOUR TRUE self that YOU are desperately trying to hide.

When the mask finally shatters it is all over.

When YOUR mask finally shatters it is JUST BEGINNING.

The mirror has gone dark and all she sees is the darkness within herself.  

YOUR mirror has gone dark and all YOU see is the darkness within YOURSELF.

You no longer see only her good side but also her dark side ... .you no longer are a source of validation, a mirror for the good.

You no longer see only YOUR good side but also YOUR dark side ... .SHE IS no longer a source of validation, a mirror for the good.

You have become an exceptionally painful reminder of what she is trying to hide from.

SHE has become an exceptionally painful reminder of what YOU are trying to hide from.

At that point you begin to lose value and it can happen quickly or over time.

At that point you begin to BECOME VERY VALUABLE TO THE DISORDER and it can happen quickly or over time.

When you are discarded she is not so much running away from you but rather running away from herself.

You are NEVER discarded she is running away from you but ALSO UNABLE to run away from A PUNITVE PARENT FIGURE that exists inside her distorted perceptions.

[Leonis]

You are NEVER discarded she is running away from you but ALSO UNABLE to run away from A PUNITVE PARENT FIGURE that exists inside her distorted perceptions.

Very interesting. I think my ex and her siblings never got over the fact that their mother was a witch to them. She's calmed down more and more now because of signs of dementia.

[C.Stein]

You became a mirror of her true self, not the person she wants to believe she is. 

SHE became a mirror of YOUR false self, the person YOU wanted to believe she is.

In the beginning you validated her "good side" and she successfully hid her "dark side" from you.

In the beginning SHE validated YOUR "false self" and she successfully hid reality from you.

When that mask starts to crack the mirror also starts to crack, exposing parts of her dark side that she is desperately trying to hide.

When YOUR mask starts to crack HER mirror also starts to crack, exposing parts of YOUR TRUE self that YOU are desperately trying to hide.

When the mask finally shatters it is all over.

When YOUR mask finally shatters it is JUST BEGINNING.

The mirror has gone dark and all she sees is the darkness within herself. 

YOUR mirror has gone dark and all YOU see is the darkness within YOURSELF.

You no longer see only her good side but also her dark side ... .you no longer are a source of validation, a mirror for the good.

You no longer see only YOUR good side but also YOUR dark side ... .SHE IS no longer a source of validation, a mirror for the good.

You have become an exceptionally painful reminder of what she is trying to hide from.

SHE has become an exceptionally painful reminder of what YOU are trying to hide from.

At that point you begin to lose value and it can happen quickly or over time.

At that point you begin to BECOME VERY VALUABLE TO THE DISORDER and it can happen quickly or over time.

When you are discarded she is not so much running away from you but rather running away from herself.

You are NEVER discarded she is running away from you but ALSO UNABLE to run away from A PUNITVE PARENT FIGURE that exists inside her distorted perceptions.

This is an all too true reversal showing how a relationship, particularly a dysfunctional one, is a dynamic of two people.   I can easily relate most, if not all of this to my own relationship, experience and inner self.  While it is important to try and understand their side of the coin, it is our side that really matters as we are only capable of changing ourselves.  The most difficult journey we will ever take is the one within.

Thanks 2010, your perception and input are invaluable.

[Confused108]

Well anyway I went from her lover, to her friend maybe more, to her friend , then all hell broke lose and I was discarded.

it sounds like the dynamic changed several times in a relatively short period. what kinds of things happened in between? can you elaborate?

Hi Once. Yea it was totally "nuts" it all happened a year ago June . She told me she still loved me. Then literally the next day was talking as if she never said it. Then it went back to I love you. 2 weeks after that she texted me and told me to go back to my ex wife . That my ex BPD was not interested anymore. I was like what the heck? Then it was fine. Another week after that she texts me again and says she can't do this and that tears are her companion. And she will respect the fact that she will die alone. Then that phase went. She was good for like 3 weeks straight and I thought we would be ok then she started raging out of nowhere. Then she started triangulating me with one of her exs . The guy she hooked up with online in Dec 2014 when I passed at going to visit her for 2 weeks in Canada. I guess he replaced me .Ten she started with all of a sudden we have to see if this can work? I'm giving it a try she said to me! Outta the clear blue sky! Because in the beginning it was I want you back and that's it! Because we never broke up with eachother. My mother did that. So... .Now it goes to I'm excited to have you back as my friend... .Maybe more! Then it quickly went to my friend... .And all the while she wants to have sex with me and loves me... .To one night thru a text we had a minor disagreement regarding a tatoo and all of a sudden she needs space and time . I didn't hear from her for 2 days. Texted her no response. I got the feeling she was trying to ghost me. Anyway I had gotten into a really bad car accident that almost killed me . Totaled my car etc. . She found out and never even texted me or called! All she did was write on my FB page I'm sorry that must have been hard on you. Take the time to take care of you. Hope you are ok. Take care of yourself! I was like what the heck! I texted her and told her we need to talk. She said oh I can't I'm going out with friends and u need to rest. Then she was supposed to come down in October and we would spend a few day together and. Ow this was out the window. She said oh I'm not coming now in October I'll let you know when I will come down! Then that was it. I later find out she never went out with friends she was on FB probably talking to her next vicinity since she was already in the process of discarding me and I had no idea what the heck was going on! So I text her again and she does not reply. Then I do it a few more time. No reply. Then I said to her it's obvious you ended this and I had to figure this out myself. So just send the Bears back I sent you. You won't be needing them anymore. Again NO response. Well at 3 am she sends me an email telling me that after all this time she felt it was very hard to communicate with me and that we are truly Diffrent as adults. Take care of myself I really am a kind soul! I was LIVID! All the crap she just said to me and accuse of why she was walking away was all Bull$hit LIES! Then she says oh I never truly walked away u til now! I called her cel at 4am. Asking her what the heck is going on? I loved her and wanted this relationship. Her words I don't love you. I don't love you romantically and don't k ow why I said that to begin with. I love you as a friend and that's it. And in my next relationship sh says... .At this point I just tuned her out and then she said it I might just focus on my buisness... Since this hellish Nightmare began it was a roller coaster of pure hell. Fine one day and either that same day hours later or the next she was looking to bail out! And the funny thing is after she ended it... .That Weekend she was stalking my FB page! I tried a last ditch effort to get her back and she said oh I really don't love u now. After all the things you posted on FB were obviously directed toward me! So if you really don't love me what the hell are you doing on my FB page. That's my discard! Oh and all the while telling me outrageous lies of how her brother molested her and one of her exs raped her. To add to this stage worthy Oscar she unfriended them on FB. Well guess who is back ! The molester and the rapist!

[DazedD40]

My ex, I think started devaluing me around Feb of this year. She went out on a night out, after telling me she was home, in bed and going to sleep, obviously not wanting me to know she was off cheating on me. Her story of that night has to many inconsistencies which really made me think that she cheated on me. Ever since that night I noticed a change in her, a darkness in her eyes and that's when she really upped her manipulation on me but I could feel the change and the distance creep back in before she discarded me without a word of warning in May of this year. She's still kicking around sending me txt messages trying to emotionally cripple me up, like last night sending me txts asking if I have my boys over this weekend. As soon as I said I did she went quiet. I'm guessing this was so she knew the city bars and clubs were safe for her to find a one night stand without me being around last night.

I've taken an interesting aproach to getting over her now. I'm taking the same aproach and have thought back to the way she manipulated me, used me, all the red flags I ignored etc which has made it very easy for me to split her sorry arse black in my own mind. All the ___ I had for 4 years with her, the lies, the cheating, the game playing have made it easier to forget the good times. When I think of her now I think of her as an arsehole. Makes the healing process a lot easier for me.

[once removed]

that does sound like quite a roller coaster, confused.

Well anyway I went from her lover, to her friend maybe more, to her friend , then all hell broke lose and I was discarded.

it sounds like the dynamic changed several times in a relatively short period. what kinds of things happened in between? can you elaborate?

Hi Once. Yea it was totally "nuts" it all happened a year ago June . She told me she still loved me. Then literally the next day was talking as if she never said it. Then it went back to I love you. 2 weeks after that she texted me and told me to go back to my ex wife . That my ex BPD was not interested anymore. I was like what the heck? Then it was fine. Another week after that she texts me again and says she can't do this and that tears are her companion. And she will respect the fact that she will die alone. Then that phase went. She was good for like 3 weeks straight and I thought we would be ok then she started raging out of nowhere. Then she started triangulating me with one of her exs . The guy she hooked up with online in Dec 2014 when I passed at going to visit her for 2 weeks in Canada. I guess he replaced me .Ten she started with all of a sudden we have to see if this can work? I'm giving it a try she said to me! Outta the clear blue sky! Because in the beginning it was I want you back and that's it! Because we never broke up with eachother.

what were your responses to these things?

[Confused108]

To be honest I just thought she was scarred. She told me this thru a text at 430 am in The end of August of last year. Like 2 weeks before she ended things for good. She said I am missing your love but am afraid of it. I k ow you but I don't know you.  You poor your love on or shut it off completely . Their is no black or white. I am afraid to make a full commitment because I am reminded of what happened when I did in the past. Then she started to say $hit I so didn't mean to send this or I did I'm so so sorry if I woke you. This was word for word of her text to me. Funny thing is I never took my love away from her so I am guessing it was pure projection at this point. I knew she was so afraid of being with me again . Losing me caused her to go into a mental hospital as I had mentioned before. I feel she thought she would lose me again and in her mind be commited again. But I wouldn't leave her. She was the one who chose to leave.

[once removed]

To be honest I just thought she was scarred. She told me this thru a text at 430 am in The end of August of last year. Like 2 weeks before she ended things for good. She said I am missing your love but am afraid of it. I k ow you but I don't know you.  You poor your love on or shut it off completely . Their is no black or white. I am afraid to make a full commitment because I am reminded of what happened when I did in the past. Then she started to say $hit I so didn't mean to send this or I did I'm so so sorry if I woke you. This was word for word of her text to me. Funny thing is I never took my love away from her so I am guessing it was pure projection at this point. I knew she was so afraid of being with me again . Losing me caused her to go into a mental hospital as I had mentioned before. I feel she thought she would lose me again and in her mind be commited again. But I wouldn't leave her. She was the one who chose to leave.

im trying to get a sense here of action/reaction. there is a lot about her actions, and it sounds like the status of the relationship was primarily on her terms.

its harder to see, objectively, how the relationship played out for you if your actions, reactions, responses, are missing in the bigger picture.

you say you wouldnt leave her. what was stopping you?

[Confused108]

To be honest I just thought she was scarred. She told me this thru a text at 430 am in The end of August of last year. Like 2 weeks before she ended things for good. She said I am missing your love but am afraid of it. I k ow you but I don't know you.  You poor your love on or shut it off completely . Their is no black or white. I am afraid to make a full commitment because I am reminded of what happened when I did in the past. Then she started to say $hit I so didn't mean to send this or I did I'm so so sorry if I woke you. This was word for word of her text to me. Funny thing is I never took my love away from her so I am guessing it was pure projection at this point. I knew she was so afraid of being with me again . Losing me caused her to go into a mental hospital as I had mentioned before. I feel she thought she would lose me again and in her mind be commited again. But I wouldn't leave her. She was the one who chose to leave.

im trying to get a sense here of action/reaction. there is a lot about her actions, and it sounds like the status of the relationship was primarily on her terms.

its harder to see, objectively, how the relationship played out for you if your actions, reactions, responses, are missing in the bigger picture.

you say you wouldnt leave her. what was stopping you?

I agree once. Now that I stepped back and looked at everything that went on last summer once she knew she had me where she wanted me it was all her. I loved her. When I say I wouldn't leave her I was referring to her always looking to end this. But as I have educated myself regarding the BPD traits . Now I am full aware of when she would say to me oh I'm not interested anymore it was her "testing me". Trust me once if I would have known just how mental my ex really was I would never ever excepted that friends request Feb of 2013. I would have ran!

[Confused108]

And In regard to my actions with this relationship I and trust me when I say did nothing but tell her how much I missed her all those years and loved her. How I wanted a life with her. That was my end. I feel I was a trigger for her. Our breakup by my Mom way back in 1987 that my ex went into a mental hospital only months later. I feel she is afraid to love me. I feel deep down inside her she feels I'm going to leave her again. And she had told me she believed my mom when she told her I was dating another person when I was not! She believed that all these years even tho back then when I did see her I told her it was not true.