Post Discard Communication

[DazedD40]

Ok so some of you know my story so i wont bore you all with a recap.

Now i know i should really stop all communication and block my ex pwBPD however im struggling to close the door shut. I'm struggling to understand myself on this at the moment as my gut instinct is telling me to run to the hills, go no contact and basically disappear off her radar completely, however, i don't want to come across as immature or weak by doing this and feel i must project a sense of, i'm doing just fine thank you, to her. Stupid right?

What's bugging me is why my ex feels the need to stay in contact with me via text. The texts she sends are often pointless although she will sometimes go off on one about missing me but i sense a lot of the time she is feeling me out. She is the one that initiates the text conversations as i don't see or feel the need to text her about things. Im just wondering why she wants to keep communication open after dumping me out of nowhere, treating me like dirt in the process whilst blackening my name with her friends and family.

Its painful for me as i feel she's friend zoning me and im sure she must have other men she is also texting following our split but then that part of me that loves her kicks in and i start wondering if she is worried about me moving on as i haven't gone running back to her begging for us to get back together. I play it cool and keep myself distant but obviously i cant help but wonder what is going on and it feeds in to the weak side of me that wants her back.

Some guidance and understanding is sought after and any help or advice as to why shes doing this and how i go about dealing with this would be appreciated.

[C.Stein]

Now i know i should really stop all communication and block my ex pwBPD however im struggling to close the door shut. I'm struggling to understand myself on this at the moment as my gut instinct is telling me to run to the hills, go no contact and basically disappear off her radar completely, however, i don't want to come across as immature or weak by doing this and feel i must project a sense of, i'm doing just fine thank you, to her. Stupid right?

Why do you feel the need to project this image of yourself to her?  How do you really feel here ... .are you doing "just fine"?

Some guidance and understanding is sought after and any help or advice as to why shes doing this and how i go about dealing with this would be appreciated.

I am sure you know no one can know what is going on in her head.  She might be wanting to keep you in her "orbit" just in case, especially if she hasn't "moved on" yet.  She might be friendzoning you ... .etc.   It is disrespectful at best.  :)o you see an opportunity to define and enforce a boundary here?

[Leonis]

I am sure you know no one can know what is going on in her head.  She might be wanting to keep you in her "orbit" just in case, especially if she hasn't "moved on" yet.  She might be friendzoning you ... .etc.   It is disrespectful at best.  :)o you see an opportunity to define and enforce a boundary here?

Yeah, like my ex essentially has decided that she'd rather be a spinster cat lady as she prophesied.

But, she obviously hasn't moved on to the point where she wants nothing from me. She still wants some of the physical intimacy without actually being committed to the relationship since I was her first, knows how to get her off, and disease free. Hell, if I stay in the state (I'm still planning on going for more schooling), the booty calls may continue to happen until she's bored or possibly when she feels like she wants to fulfill the next step of her prediction of being a single mother and not deal with the dad.

[DazedD40]

C.Stein, i'm trying to be "fine" i really am. I'm trying my hardest to show the world i'm fine and dandy and that this isn't hurting me. Surely i should be fine now i know what/who she really is. Surely i should be able to pick myself up out of bed each day and carry on with a smile on my face. Surely i should be fine and be able to reply to her messages. I don't want her to know or see i'm not fine, i don't want her knowing, sensing, seeing, finding out i'm not ok. I've had to many public break downs over her since and before the split and i've needed to knuckle down at work and at home when i have my kids as it feels there are to many eyes on me so yeah i project to everyone that i'm ok but i'm finding this increasingly difficult to do whilst she texts me acting all matey with me.

Im not fine at all!

I've come close to cutting her off and last night i came very close to messaging her and telling her that i think the contact is bang out of order and that i think shes taking me for a mug texting me whilst probably texting others. I thought she would have taken the hint and stopped texting seeing as i never text her first but i guess the more i reply the more she see's it as acceptable to contact. I guess im enabling her arent i?

[C.Stein]

C.Stein, i'm trying to be "fine" i really am. I'm trying my hardest to show the world i'm fine and dandy and that this isn't hurting me. Surely i should be fine now i know what/who she really is. Surely i should be able to pick myself up out of bed each day and carry on with a smile on my face. Surely i should be fine and be able to reply to her messages. I don't want her to know or see i'm not fine, i don't want her knowing, sensing, seeing, finding out i'm not ok. I've had to many public break downs over her since and before the split and i've needed to knuckle down at work and at home when i have my kids as it feels there are to many eyes on me so yeah i project to everyone that i'm ok but i'm finding this increasingly difficult to do whilst she texts me acting all matey with me.

Im not fine at all!

It is OK to not be fine.  There is only so much  faking it until you make it  you can do.  We need to process the pain not pretend it's not there.  I personally don't care if my ex knows I am hurting ... .and she does as I have told her.  Of course she doesn't care that I am.

I've come close to cutting her off and last night i came very close to messaging her and telling her that i think the contact is bang out of order and that i think shes taking me for a mug texting me whilst probably texting others. I thought she would have taken the hint and stopped texting seeing as i never text her first but i guess the more i reply the more she see's it as acceptable to contact. I guess im enabling her arent i?

Yes, you are enabling her, but more importantly what are you doing to yourself in the process?

[DazedD40]

Hurting myself  

I dont know why im doing it? I know the smart thing to do is cut her off and each day i wrestle with this. I go from, right that's it, to, i cant cut her off. By rights i should have told her my exact thoughts about her but i dont see the point in doing this. I do know though that im starting to feel like im losing my self respect the more i reply to her. I think this is another reason she is texting me all the time, its like shes trying to push my buttons, kinda back me in to a corner so i snap at her and tell her to leave me alone. I really dont know but i do know its not healthy.

Its just taking that step and cutting her off and leaving the relationship behind which is what im finding the hardest thing to do. I thought about just ignoring the messages, that way i avoid an argument or hurtful words being said from both sides.

I just feel rather weak and pathetic as i no longer know what im trying to hold on to anymore as really theres nothing to hold on to is there? 

[bAlex]

My ex also wanted to be friends, didn't work. She strung me along for months with all kinds of push-pull behaviour and confusing txts etc. It keeps you stuck.

Thing is, what do YOU want to happen here?


You wanna move on?

You want her back?

[C.Stein]

Hurting myself  

I dont know why im doing it? I know the smart thing to do is cut her off and each day i wrestle with this. I go from, right that's it, to, i cant cut her off. By rights i should have told her my exact thoughts about her but i dont see the point in doing this. I do know though that im starting to feel like im losing my self respect the more i reply to her. I think this is another reason she is texting me all the time, its like shes trying to push my buttons, kinda back me in to a corner so i snap at her and tell her to leave me alone. I really dont know but i do know its not healthy.

Its just taking that step and cutting her off and leaving the relationship behind which is what im finding the hardest thing to do. I thought about just ignoring the messages, that way i avoid an argument or hurtful words being said from both sides.

I just feel rather weak and pathetic as i no longer know what im trying to hold on to anymore as really theres nothing to hold on to is there?  

I get it man.  Letting go of the hope and the dream you shared with her is incredibly difficult.  There are parts of me that still "hope" even though that hope got burned to dust by her a long time ago.

There comes a time when we have to take control back ... .to refuse to continue to be pulled down into the darkness by our exs.  I know it is hard and she is making even harder by tethering you into her orbit.  You need to take control of the tether and cut it now.  :)on't wait for her to cut it because you and I both know at some point she will.

Take control of your life back! 

[DazedD40]

It's not like i want her back as i can clearly see how toxic she is for me and i can no longer ignore the red flags that were always there during the relationship. I cant go back although i do know that if she presented the idea of getting back together i would probably consider it stupidly but that is because im addicted to her in a very unhealthy way and this i know.

Its stupid as if i was one of my friends presenting this to me id be like, run you fool, cut contact yet i find myself bargaining with myself over it. I feel like im going mental.

Im a strong fella, built well, look hard as nails, work as a doorman yet this girl has reduced me to a wreck where even though the answers and what is best for me are staring me in the face im to scared to make the jump in to a world without her even though im damaging myself in the process and even though i have all the answers in front of me yet i continue to battle myself daily.

Im holding myself in my own prison cell here!

[Mutt]

Hi DazedD40,

We can't control what somebody else does, we control what we do and how we react to others. If our ex does X than we respond with Y. You have the right idea with emotionally detached responses, if you tell her that it bothers you that she texts others than wouldn't reassure her that there is an emotional attachment?

No contact or controlled contact is for self protection. Its not a hard and fast rule you could remain in contact when you feel stronger down the road. You may also change your mind and not want to remain in contact.

[C.Stein]

Im holding myself in my own prison cell here!

You have the keys to the cell my friend, let yourself free! 

[DazedD40]

Your last post said it all C.Stein, ":)on't wait for her to cut it because you and I both know at some point she will".

I've got to get in there first as i know she will cut me off and then the hurt will come back again. I'm hurting as it is but i guess any false notions i have that we can live happily ever after vanish and the hurt of abandonment will start again.

Taking control? Jeez now theres a scary prospect!

[DazedD40]

Hi Mutt,

"You have the right idea with emotionally detached responses, if you tell her that it bothers you that she texts others than wouldn't reassure her that there is an emotional attachment?"

Am i reading this right in thinking you mean im doing the right thing by not replying saying crazy things such as, i know your texting others and seeing other guys so why you bother with me?

[Mutt]

That's right. If you don't want to keep in touch, I suggest to tell her once to stop texting then if she texts my response would be to give none. Don't text back, lead the way. I keep things business like with my exBPDw, I respond to switch in switch off says with the kids, I don't respond to baiting, friendliness or anything that's none of her business and I don't ask her about her business.

[DazedD40]

Yeah ive stayed well back from asking her questions about what and who shes doing as well as stayed away from shedding to much light on what im up to. I want to have a go at her and pull her up on her narcissistic behaviours towards me but i keep telling myself there's no point as it'll fall on deaf ears and get turned around on me as she always does turn things around on me. I work with some of her friends which is difficult. One of my senior bosses is one of her mates. I try my hardest at work to show im not fazed, can do my job and actively take place in some work place banter so they think im fine and dandy and report this back to her if they do do that. That face is slipping off though. I guess ive been trying my hardest to fake it to myself that im ok and that i will be ok. I feel that if she knows im in pain and upset that will feed her ego so i try to pretend that i am what you see when you look at me, a big scary hard ass. Inside i feel like a feeble, weak and broken man that wants the ground to swallow me whole.

Its so hard to let her go and cut that contact as i feel like im closing a part of myself down. Sounds daft but i can lay there at night and once i relax it honestly feels like theres half of me missing.

I just need to find the courage to make the leap in to a world without her.

Thank you guys your replies have helped a great deal this afternoon. Also had a little cry, i think i may have been holding it in for a while as not cried over her in a week or so now. To busy trying to fool myself in to thinking im big, hard and ugly to get through this without breaking down in to a wreck.

[Mutt]

Hi DazedD40,

It's tough. Do you feel depressed? Have you talked to an MD? Do you have a T?

[DazedD40]

I had my anti deps increased to 40mg recently which kinda did the job and although im not in therapy at the moment due to cost, i can call my t on the phone. I try not to do this as i dont want her thinking im taking the mickey. I talk to my best friend about it a lot but he's very much pro me so doesn't see things objectively at times which is ok as he's my mate and has my interests at heart so in his eyes she is the enemy thats hurt his mate.

I feel im getting on with things ok, such as eating and sleeping better than those first few weeks following the split. Guess i have to remember that its only five weeks ago since the discard and in that time lots of positives have happened such as taking on an extra job to help with the financial fall out and im busting a gut at work in an attempt to divert my thoughts and feelings. 3 weeks ago i couldn't get up off the sofa nor eat. Im starting to exersize a bit more again now as well so im trying my hardest to get back on track. Guess sometimes i have to remember that this isnt going to just go away.

[Meili]

I work with some of her friends which is difficult. One of my senior bosses is one of her mates. I try my hardest at work to show im not fazed, can do my job and actively take place in some work place banter so they think im fine and dandy and report this back to her if they do do that.

Hey DazedD40.

Maybe it would help if you focused less on what others may tell her and what she may think (because you'll never truly know anyway) and just focus on you and what you think?

Focusing on her is wasted energy. Right now you need your energy. You need it to bolster yourself. You need it keep yourself upright. Don't give it away to her. That's another step in regaining control of yourself and your life.

Is there something that you can do for you, just for you, that you can focus on? Even better, is there something that you wanted to do during the r/s but couldn't/weren't allowed to do that you can now do?

[DazedD40]

Thank you for that as you've just woken me to the fact im focussing on her as opposed to myself. Got to love these boards for the power of the words others write in reply. I really hadn't seen it like that and thought i was focussing on myself but clearly i haven't been.

Im kinda financially in a mess at the moment so anything id like to do is restricted due to this however i have started playing football twice a week now and i have made plans of sorts in my mind that i would like to work towards. Working my full time job as well as my doorman job is a great help also. Working the doors means i am out in a social environment and although i am there doing a job i find the social side, meeting people and having some banter with people really helps. I am trying to push myself with things. I got bored with being stuck on the sofa but man alive its hard not to retreat to it some days. 

[Mutt]

DazedD40,

That is good to hear that you're treating your depression. Is there a group that you can join in your area where you share the cost for a therapist in a group setting? Do you have a service with therapists that donate their time or have a sliding scale?

[Meili]

Thank you for that as you've just woken me to the fact im focussing on her as opposed to myself. Got to love these boards for the power of the words others write in reply. I really hadn't seen it like that and thought i was focussing on myself but clearly i haven't been.

Im kinda financially in a mess at the moment so anything id like to do is restricted due to this... .

Thank you for saying that. I often feel foolish when I post things (deep insecurity issues here) and that they are meaningless. But, this isn't about me, so, back to you... .

It's good to hear that you're doing things that you like and getting off the sofa. Staring blankly at a TV or wall is just another form of denial and escapism.

As for the lack of funding, is it possible for you to put back a little each week so that you can watch your "fun fund" grow? This will help keep you focused on you because you have something tangible to see and can watch the progress as it grows. It will also serve as a reminder that you need to and are doing something solely for you. I used to have a glass jar that I would put the coins and bills in so that I could see it grow. Do you think that something like that would work for/help you?

[DazedD40]

I'm pretty poor when it comes to money management so an aproach to saving that was and watching the pot grow would maybe work for me. To reliant on my card and then bury my head in the sand. She used my finances as a vehicle to up and leave me which is hilarious seeing as it was with my help and our savings together that we cleared her debt off with. She still lives with her parents at her age and she has the cheek to use my finance as a reason to dump me.

Sometimes I get angry being on these boards as I think I should be strong enough to not have to come to an online support forum but on my life they save my bacon, whether through lurking around reading, posting and reading the replies. If left to my own devices is get fully sucked back in to begging her to come back. I'd be stuck on the sofa 5 weeks later sitting in my pool of self pity. This place helps remind you that it's time to somehow break away for good, gives insight when all is foggy and gives logic to the most unlogical things.

Thanks everyone as you've helped me through a difficult day.

[Meili]

If left to my own devices is get fully sucked back in to begging her to come back. I'd be stuck on the sofa 5 weeks later sitting in my pool of self pity.

Yep! This would be true for me also!

[DazedD40]

DazedD40,

That is good to hear that you're treating your depression. Is there a group that you can join in your area where you share the cost for a therapist in a group setting? Do you have a service with therapists that donate their time or have a sliding scale?

I'm sure I could get some cheap counselling. My T is golden and I'd like to go back to see her. I had inner child therapy with her many years ago but we still need to finish that because, yep you guessed it, I came away from therapy because she was in my life saying, you don't need that your fine.

I shall have a look locally what's available though.